As usual it's a busy Monday for the non-blog section of our lives, but since I've got a little bit of free time I figured I'd drop by for a sec in case I can't get something up later.
One of the hotter topics of discussion in recent months has been the disparity between the elite upper class and the working class citizens of this town and all across the nation. More recently this angle has been tapped by Fitzy in his "Ok, maybe I backed downtown a little too fervently" mea culpa.
After his initial plea for downtown to start trying to appeal to the working class he paired up with what became the epitome of elitism during the recent election, Paragary's. In an attempt to repair it's damaged (rightfully or not) public image, Paragary's enlisted Fitzy to find a name for it's much touted rooftop terrace. While explaining the contest concept to readers, Fitzy made sure to sprinkle in nuggets about how Paragary's is trying to appeal to the working class. So much for trying to distance himself from his downtown apologist image.
Having never actually been to Stockton's Paragary's we decided to hit it up during the aptly named Cold Pub Crawl this weekend (more on that whole experience later). Now, we all fully admit to being six sheets to the wind when we walked in, when one starts off the night with 4 Jagerbombs that tends to happen. But as soon as we walked up to the bar the bartender immediately tried to rush us over to a small corner of the restaurant away from the bar designated for crawlers. We made it about 3 steps in before the guy said "Pub crawlers over there!" in a somewhat worried and disdainful fashion. He of course pointed us to the shitty half-bar that had their drink special of hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps called a Peppermint Patty. It was the worst drink special out of all the bars on the pub crawl. The message was clear to us, our kind isn't welcome at Paragary's. God forbid we want to spend a night of drinking at the actual bar. So much for trying to appeal to the working class. We'll be sure to bring out Monopoly Man monocles next time.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Kinda Shit to do for this weekend
So shit, I've been slacking this week. Sorry. I almost forgot to d the Shit to do post but then I realized there's only one thing to do this weekend. Pub Crawl on Saturday. They're expecting 500 people. So yeah, it should be a pretty badass time.
Sorry again for the complete lack of posts today. Been kind of a hectic week.
Sorry again for the complete lack of posts today. Been kind of a hectic week.
Quick Links for Dec. 5th
We're in day 4 of at least 7 and it looks like 7 days might be a conservative guess. Why? Kelly Lau decided it would be a great idea to give a jailhouse interview where she admits guilt. Not to the Record of course, but to ABC7 (KGO). As expected, it's 15 different types of crazy. Lau and husband Mike Schumacher had a court appearance in Stockton yesterday. Hey look, Stockton's technically on national tv! At least our not yet 12-story courthouse. People are going to be impressed when someone's rights are violated in such a twisted manner that it grabs national headlines in 2013.
Think fast! A car ended up hitting a cop car after being spotted spinning donuts, who do you think is the culprit? If you said "some douchebag in a Honda" then you win! You also know Stockton very well. Douchebags in Hondas are a worse plague than Peruvian flute bands.
In "not at all surprising" news, there's rumblings that the Arena Football League might fold soon amid reports that only 6 teams really want to continue into the 2009 season. If the league folds or at least suspends operations, what does that mean for Stockton's afl2 team? What? You didn't know we had an afl2 team? Yeah, the Lightening. Yup, afl2, for those not good enough to get into the regular afl. As you would expect it's exciting football. I'm guessing nobody will notice or care about what happens to the Lightening. Just like before.
Think fast! A car ended up hitting a cop car after being spotted spinning donuts, who do you think is the culprit? If you said "some douchebag in a Honda" then you win! You also know Stockton very well. Douchebags in Hondas are a worse plague than Peruvian flute bands.
In "not at all surprising" news, there's rumblings that the Arena Football League might fold soon amid reports that only 6 teams really want to continue into the 2009 season. If the league folds or at least suspends operations, what does that mean for Stockton's afl2 team? What? You didn't know we had an afl2 team? Yeah, the Lightening. Yup, afl2, for those not good enough to get into the regular afl. As you would expect it's exciting football. I'm guessing nobody will notice or care about what happens to the Lightening. Just like before.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Quick Links for what we're pretty sure is the real Dec. 4th
Teen Slave reaches his 3rd day in the news cycle as it looks like media outlets from all over are going to ride this story at last through the weekend (which can't be good news for Tracy driver safety) No real interesting news was revealed today unless you only read the print edition (unlikely since you're, you know, reading this site). The Record did finally go for the shocked neighbors angle and got some quotes from neighborhood parents who were shocked such a thing could happen so close to home. They also included what we're considering a veiled jab at the conflicting escape stories that were out there. And finally they tried to convey the severity of his living conditions while not giving us at least one gruesome detail, which is just mean.
Speaking of mean things, Stockton Unified School District is letting it's seniors take the SATs for free on Saturday. Where's the mean part you ask? They're going to use an auto-dialer to call every senior in SUSD at 6 am on Saturday morning. Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Slick, I don't have any seniors in my house, so that's not really that mean." I hope you don't live near a church then because an hour later at 7 (again, on a fucking Saturday)churches all over Stockton are going to ring their bells to presumably make everyone in Stockton hate kids. I live within close proximity to 3 churches with a 4th less than a mile away, the phone calls are enough of an annoyance, why bug the rest of Stockton? I get 2 days off a week and Saturday is one of them, who the fuck are these people who think loudly ringing bells throughout the city at an hour earlier than I wake up for actual work days is a good idea? Are you one of those people who once woken up can't get back to sleep? Yeah, me too. Fuck you Kirk Nicholas. How would you like it if I called your ass at 2 am? I'll be awake (no thanks to your bullshit, media-whorey, initiative) just finishing up another night of binge drinking. In conclusion, go ass fuck a cactus Mr. Nichols and anybody else associated with waking me up before noon on Saturday.
While we're on the subject of complete fuckshovels, the Stockton Symphony cancelled their spring concert series much to the chagrin of old, white people everywhere who think kids can't be cultured musically without listening to some boring ass Mozart. They claim it's a preemptive budget cut and then the story notes that symphony conductor and noted douchebag Peter Jaffe eats up nearly a 10th of their budget. Which of course begs the question, they get paid to do that shit? Really? We understand all the practice that goes into these things but they play like 5 concerts a year. The symphony isn't even a job for those people, it's a hobby. Yet somebody gets paid almost $100,000 to wave a stick around while keeping that smug "I'm better than you" look on his face the whole time? I can give condescending looks too, how can I get that gig? I'll do it for half.
Oh and that contest Fitzy's having to name the roof of the Hotel Stockton? He found out later that it already has a name. Hooray publicity stunts! Best part? The name is/was "The Rooftop Garden of the Hotel Stockton" which, besides the word "garden" and adding a "top" at the end of roof, is the exact name (give or take the word "old") we came up with when making fun of this story in Monday's Quick Links.
Don't forget to nominate the person you think should be the Real Stocktonian of the Year. Our e-mail is off to the right as always.
Speaking of mean things, Stockton Unified School District is letting it's seniors take the SATs for free on Saturday. Where's the mean part you ask? They're going to use an auto-dialer to call every senior in SUSD at 6 am on Saturday morning. Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Slick, I don't have any seniors in my house, so that's not really that mean." I hope you don't live near a church then because an hour later at 7 (again, on a fucking Saturday)churches all over Stockton are going to ring their bells to presumably make everyone in Stockton hate kids. I live within close proximity to 3 churches with a 4th less than a mile away, the phone calls are enough of an annoyance, why bug the rest of Stockton? I get 2 days off a week and Saturday is one of them, who the fuck are these people who think loudly ringing bells throughout the city at an hour earlier than I wake up for actual work days is a good idea? Are you one of those people who once woken up can't get back to sleep? Yeah, me too. Fuck you Kirk Nicholas. How would you like it if I called your ass at 2 am? I'll be awake (no thanks to your bullshit, media-whorey, initiative) just finishing up another night of binge drinking. In conclusion, go ass fuck a cactus Mr. Nichols and anybody else associated with waking me up before noon on Saturday.
While we're on the subject of complete fuckshovels, the Stockton Symphony cancelled their spring concert series much to the chagrin of old, white people everywhere who think kids can't be cultured musically without listening to some boring ass Mozart. They claim it's a preemptive budget cut and then the story notes that symphony conductor and noted douchebag Peter Jaffe eats up nearly a 10th of their budget. Which of course begs the question, they get paid to do that shit? Really? We understand all the practice that goes into these things but they play like 5 concerts a year. The symphony isn't even a job for those people, it's a hobby. Yet somebody gets paid almost $100,000 to wave a stick around while keeping that smug "I'm better than you" look on his face the whole time? I can give condescending looks too, how can I get that gig? I'll do it for half.
Oh and that contest Fitzy's having to name the roof of the Hotel Stockton? He found out later that it already has a name. Hooray publicity stunts! Best part? The name is/was "The Rooftop Garden of the Hotel Stockton" which, besides the word "garden" and adding a "top" at the end of roof, is the exact name (give or take the word "old") we came up with when making fun of this story in Monday's Quick Links.
Don't forget to nominate the person you think should be the Real Stocktonian of the Year. Our e-mail is off to the right as always.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Well, fuck. (Update)
Sure, now you update the story. Less than a half hour after I posted today's Quick Links the Record updated their story about Teen Slave's escape and the capture of his aunt. It appears both the Record and the Chronicle were right, the Chronicle was just righter and more thorough in tracking down quotes. The kid did go for a ride in a van, probably where he picked up the dropped padlock key, then escaped over the back wall once they got home.
Sure, they took their sweet time, but they finally got the correct escape story up. Which, considering it's a story about an escape, is kind of sad. Still no quotes from neighbors or family members though. I guess "Hi, I'm Keith Reid from the Record" doesn't carry the gravitas that a "Hi, SF Chronicle, do you have a minute?" phone call does. We can only imagine the uphill battle the Tracy Press faces.
Sure, they took their sweet time, but they finally got the correct escape story up. Which, considering it's a story about an escape, is kind of sad. Still no quotes from neighbors or family members though. I guess "Hi, I'm Keith Reid from the Record" doesn't carry the gravitas that a "Hi, SF Chronicle, do you have a minute?" phone call does. We can only imagine the uphill battle the Tracy Press faces.
Quick Links for Dec 3rd
So that whole teenage slave story is in it's second day, and new information continues to slowly surface. Nothing really juicy so far, the AP apparently found Kelly Lau's MySpace which revealed she was a Raider fan (which gives more credibility to our meth assumption. Sorry, too easy) and, more shockingly, a Girl Scout leader. SFGate does provide some conflicting information though. While the Record's articles say he escaped from a possibly moving car after picking up a dropped key, the SF Chronicle says he escaped through the backyard by "vaulting" (their word, not ours) over the 8-foot wall separating the house from the gym that he escaped to.
They also caught his abusive aunt this morning in Berkeley near the Telegraph area (another drug indicator!). That Chronicle article also provides more information that the Record's article/website post says wasn't immediately available. The Chronicle was able to interview Lau's mother who asks the same questions we do about how this could have gone on for so long. Like how a 9-year old didn't question why there was a guy chained up in the garage, or at least mention it in passing to Grams. Lau's mom also gives the fishy explanation her daughter gave her as to why they had an extra kid and what the deal with the old black lady who looked like a dude was. The Chronicle article also mentions that Lau's husband, Michael Schumacher had repeatedly asked InShape to make the 8-foot wall the boy escaped over taller over the past year. So there, that's what we know now, with little thanks to the Record and many thanks to the BaconBabe for pointing us to the Chronicle's more informative stories.
Not that we can completely blame the Record, they're short staffed right now as everyone tries to sneak in some vacation time before the end of the year. Including crime reporter and Police Chief Robocop supporter Christian Burkin who expressed fears that someone might steal his desk while he's gone in a blog post. All we ask for is photographic proof of whatever prank the rest of the Record staff pulls (which can be e-mailed here). We suggest moving the entire desk into the bathroom.
That Delta meeting happened yesterday, and while the trustees didn't declare themselves trustees for life they did chastise the current Student Government while not really revealing too much new information. They did try and place the blame on previous ASBG administrations and their old advisor, who also may have helped fix an ASBG presidential election to keep a muckraker out if I remember what the loser that year said correctly. There is a pretty interesting list of thinly veiled perks given to student senators, including possibly the worst tradition ever in embroidered luggage for incoming senators. They also were allegedly allowed a ludicrously expensive coat budget. That's right, flea market money went to buying ASBG senators coats and even t-shirts. We were funding their fucking wardrobe, which means they at least have a future as rogue Vice-Presidential candidates. The lesson is painfully obvious, go to Delta and learn how to mismanage money. The trustees can't stay within their Measure L budget. The ASBG allotted way too high a percentage of the budget to themselves. Hell, I was a Delta student and I'm horrible at budgeting out my money. This doesn't bode well for those lifeskill classes we heard about last month.
The City of Stockton showed it has the decisiveness of pretty much all of my ex-girlfriends by approving a scaled down Wal-Mart for Weston Ranch. We understand that the whole point of the big box ban was to force it to keep people supporting local businesses, but is forcing them to be under 100,000 square feet (and the blueprints call for it to be 4 square feet smaller than the limit) really going to make that much of a difference? Apparently not as it'll still have a grocery section, just a smaller one. Which will totally encourage people to continue patronizing local supermarkets. Or it'll just be really cramped because it's less than half it's original size and Wal-Mart will still try and cram in as much shit as possible. Doesn't anybody remember the old Wal-Mart? It was a cramped shithole and that was in a decent area, imagine how quickly things will go to shit in Weston Ranch.
We've grown to accept the Record's practice of posting quick snippets of breaking news and then teasing us by saying to read more about it in tomorrow's Record. News happens throughout the day and their increasingly understaffed writers need time to do their due diligence and get quotes and such. But now they've gone and posted the Worst. Teaser. Ever. First of all, you don't tease lame holiday features. Especially when you then post another one 2 fucking minutes later. Lame holiday features suck and there's absolutely no way you can get people excited about them in advance. They're filler. You don't tease filler. You're basically saying "It's going to be a slow news day tomorrow!" And while we appreciate the warning, Recordnet should probably stick with actual breaking news. Like all the information the Chronicle provided about slave boy that the Record neglected to relay.
They also caught his abusive aunt this morning in Berkeley near the Telegraph area (another drug indicator!). That Chronicle article also provides more information that the Record's article/website post says wasn't immediately available. The Chronicle was able to interview Lau's mother who asks the same questions we do about how this could have gone on for so long. Like how a 9-year old didn't question why there was a guy chained up in the garage, or at least mention it in passing to Grams. Lau's mom also gives the fishy explanation her daughter gave her as to why they had an extra kid and what the deal with the old black lady who looked like a dude was. The Chronicle article also mentions that Lau's husband, Michael Schumacher had repeatedly asked InShape to make the 8-foot wall the boy escaped over taller over the past year. So there, that's what we know now, with little thanks to the Record and many thanks to the BaconBabe for pointing us to the Chronicle's more informative stories.
Not that we can completely blame the Record, they're short staffed right now as everyone tries to sneak in some vacation time before the end of the year. Including crime reporter and Police Chief Robocop supporter Christian Burkin who expressed fears that someone might steal his desk while he's gone in a blog post. All we ask for is photographic proof of whatever prank the rest of the Record staff pulls (which can be e-mailed here). We suggest moving the entire desk into the bathroom.
That Delta meeting happened yesterday, and while the trustees didn't declare themselves trustees for life they did chastise the current Student Government while not really revealing too much new information. They did try and place the blame on previous ASBG administrations and their old advisor, who also may have helped fix an ASBG presidential election to keep a muckraker out if I remember what the loser that year said correctly. There is a pretty interesting list of thinly veiled perks given to student senators, including possibly the worst tradition ever in embroidered luggage for incoming senators. They also were allegedly allowed a ludicrously expensive coat budget. That's right, flea market money went to buying ASBG senators coats and even t-shirts. We were funding their fucking wardrobe, which means they at least have a future as rogue Vice-Presidential candidates. The lesson is painfully obvious, go to Delta and learn how to mismanage money. The trustees can't stay within their Measure L budget. The ASBG allotted way too high a percentage of the budget to themselves. Hell, I was a Delta student and I'm horrible at budgeting out my money. This doesn't bode well for those lifeskill classes we heard about last month.
The City of Stockton showed it has the decisiveness of pretty much all of my ex-girlfriends by approving a scaled down Wal-Mart for Weston Ranch. We understand that the whole point of the big box ban was to force it to keep people supporting local businesses, but is forcing them to be under 100,000 square feet (and the blueprints call for it to be 4 square feet smaller than the limit) really going to make that much of a difference? Apparently not as it'll still have a grocery section, just a smaller one. Which will totally encourage people to continue patronizing local supermarkets. Or it'll just be really cramped because it's less than half it's original size and Wal-Mart will still try and cram in as much shit as possible. Doesn't anybody remember the old Wal-Mart? It was a cramped shithole and that was in a decent area, imagine how quickly things will go to shit in Weston Ranch.
We've grown to accept the Record's practice of posting quick snippets of breaking news and then teasing us by saying to read more about it in tomorrow's Record. News happens throughout the day and their increasingly understaffed writers need time to do their due diligence and get quotes and such. But now they've gone and posted the Worst. Teaser. Ever. First of all, you don't tease lame holiday features. Especially when you then post another one 2 fucking minutes later. Lame holiday features suck and there's absolutely no way you can get people excited about them in advance. They're filler. You don't tease filler. You're basically saying "It's going to be a slow news day tomorrow!" And while we appreciate the warning, Recordnet should probably stick with actual breaking news. Like all the information the Chronicle provided about slave boy that the Record neglected to relay.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Quick Links for Dec. 4th 2nd (oops)
We can really only start off this edition of the quick links with one article. What the fuck Tracy? Slave boy from Sac? Really? We're a site that chronicles the ridiculous things that happen in San Joaquin County, but that's a bit much. They had him shackled in their home for what appears to be a while and nobody noticed? I was skeptical of this story when I first read it but it looks like it's true as they're now looking for the kid's aunt and his captors are being held on $1.2 mil bail. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say meth was somehow involved.
The next chapter in the Delta flea market/ASBG scandal plays out live tonight! Actually it'll probably be a bunch of bitching by ASBG that everyone's out to get them (just like real government! Shouldn't have ran for office if you couldn't stand the unending media scrutiny kids.), then trustees will say "tough shit" because...wait, that makes too much sense considering we're talking about a group that collectively has the common sense of Al Davis. So in response the trustees will probably agree and hand the ASBG President a cashier's check for the remaining amount of the Measure L funds while declaring themselves the kings and queens of Delta until the end of time while Raul Rodriguez laughs maniacally. By the way, the fact that the Delta cops handled this whole investigation is just adorable. Look at them getting their investigation on as if they were real cops. We're not at all surprised it took them 5 years since we knew about ASBG's monetary abuses to finally figure it out themselves.
If we can't trust drug dealers named "Sack", then who the hell can we trust? I feel bad for the victim, all the guy wants to do is smoke a little herb and he gets shot. Then he's gotta go tell the cops he got shot buying weed, and then he's gotta go to the hospital to get his wounds treated. You know how long that guy probably had to wait to get his burn on? Forfuckingever. This is why I have the rule of only purchasing shit from people with real names and not somebody who says "Call me Snoopy, and this is my associate Woodstock." I know, I'm being nitpicky, but this is California. Californians shouldn't be getting shot at during pot deals. That's what coke and meth are for. (Oh wait, we've already penciled in meth as the illegal teenage slave trade drug) People should not be getting shot at for something they have special stores for. Even if the nearest store is an hour away (coughhintathowtosolveproblemcough).
The next chapter in the Delta flea market/ASBG scandal plays out live tonight! Actually it'll probably be a bunch of bitching by ASBG that everyone's out to get them (just like real government! Shouldn't have ran for office if you couldn't stand the unending media scrutiny kids.), then trustees will say "tough shit" because...wait, that makes too much sense considering we're talking about a group that collectively has the common sense of Al Davis. So in response the trustees will probably agree and hand the ASBG President a cashier's check for the remaining amount of the Measure L funds while declaring themselves the kings and queens of Delta until the end of time while Raul Rodriguez laughs maniacally. By the way, the fact that the Delta cops handled this whole investigation is just adorable. Look at them getting their investigation on as if they were real cops. We're not at all surprised it took them 5 years since we knew about ASBG's monetary abuses to finally figure it out themselves.
If we can't trust drug dealers named "Sack", then who the hell can we trust? I feel bad for the victim, all the guy wants to do is smoke a little herb and he gets shot. Then he's gotta go tell the cops he got shot buying weed, and then he's gotta go to the hospital to get his wounds treated. You know how long that guy probably had to wait to get his burn on? Forfuckingever. This is why I have the rule of only purchasing shit from people with real names and not somebody who says "Call me Snoopy, and this is my associate Woodstock." I know, I'm being nitpicky, but this is California. Californians shouldn't be getting shot at during pot deals. That's what coke and meth are for. (Oh wait, we've already penciled in meth as the illegal teenage slave trade drug) People should not be getting shot at for something they have special stores for. Even if the nearest store is an hour away (coughhintathowtosolveproblemcough).
Awards season begins!
So it's December, and blog law dictates that we do some sort of end of the year award. Considering I was so callously overlooked for Stocktonian of the Year, we thought it'd be a good idea to honor our own favorite Stocktonian.
Problem is, we don't know who that is yet. Which is why we're enlisting the help of you, the reader. I guess what I'm trying to get at is we need your nominees for the Real Stocktonian of the Year Award.
Every year, the actual Stocktonian of the Year award always goes to some crusty old fuck who shared a steam at the country club with Alex Spanos sometime in the 20s, and that's total bullshit. This year's winner, David Rea (who was actually at the country club when he found out he won), won because he "got the business community to support the arts like they never had before." Which makes sense considering he's, you know, retired and pushing 90. Apparently this is a lifetime achievement award. Which is total bullshit because the Stocktonian of the Year for 2008 should win the award for shit they did in 2008.
Which brings us to the criteria for the nominees. To be eligible for our prestigious award, this person (or inanimate object if you feel like nominating the Sheraton/Lexington Waterfront Hotel and Spa and Bar and Grill and Feed and Fuel at Downtown Stockton) must have done something extremely newsworthy in/for Stockton. Nick Diaz brought EliteXC to Stockton and on top of that, branded Stockton with a way better slogan than "Celebrate Stockton". He'll probably be in the running.
But it's not just positive things, we want people who embody Stockton. And, let's face it, right now nothing embodies what's going on in this city than the hilarious fuckups that have occurred over the year. We're pretty sure Bryan Bjork doesn't live in Stockton, but he's a shoe-in for a nomination just for the sheer magnitude of his rodeo fuckup. Delta President Raul Rodriguez will probably get a nod for the negligent management of the Measure L funds. Sure, that didn't all happen this year, but never has a list of his administration's fuckups been put in plain black and white like it was this year.
But enough of who we think should be nominated. This is about you, all 30 of our readers. E-mail us with your nomination suggestions by the end of the week and next week we'll pick 8 finalists. And for the record, Fitzy isn't eligible because sucking isn't newsworthy enough. Unless of course it's finally revealed that his columnist picture is actually 20 years old and Fitzy's pushing 100.
Problem is, we don't know who that is yet. Which is why we're enlisting the help of you, the reader. I guess what I'm trying to get at is we need your nominees for the Real Stocktonian of the Year Award.
Every year, the actual Stocktonian of the Year award always goes to some crusty old fuck who shared a steam at the country club with Alex Spanos sometime in the 20s, and that's total bullshit. This year's winner, David Rea (who was actually at the country club when he found out he won), won because he "got the business community to support the arts like they never had before." Which makes sense considering he's, you know, retired and pushing 90. Apparently this is a lifetime achievement award. Which is total bullshit because the Stocktonian of the Year for 2008 should win the award for shit they did in 2008.
Which brings us to the criteria for the nominees. To be eligible for our prestigious award, this person (or inanimate object if you feel like nominating the Sheraton/Lexington Waterfront Hotel and Spa and Bar and Grill and Feed and Fuel at Downtown Stockton) must have done something extremely newsworthy in/for Stockton. Nick Diaz brought EliteXC to Stockton and on top of that, branded Stockton with a way better slogan than "Celebrate Stockton". He'll probably be in the running.
But it's not just positive things, we want people who embody Stockton. And, let's face it, right now nothing embodies what's going on in this city than the hilarious fuckups that have occurred over the year. We're pretty sure Bryan Bjork doesn't live in Stockton, but he's a shoe-in for a nomination just for the sheer magnitude of his rodeo fuckup. Delta President Raul Rodriguez will probably get a nod for the negligent management of the Measure L funds. Sure, that didn't all happen this year, but never has a list of his administration's fuckups been put in plain black and white like it was this year.
But enough of who we think should be nominated. This is about you, all 30 of our readers. E-mail us with your nomination suggestions by the end of the week and next week we'll pick 8 finalists. And for the record, Fitzy isn't eligible because sucking isn't newsworthy enough. Unless of course it's finally revealed that his columnist picture is actually 20 years old and Fitzy's pushing 100.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Quick Links for Dec. 1st
If you haven't figured out we're going to take almost every holiday off by now, well, now you know. We weren't really in any condition to post this weekend anyways. I'm having computer problems again, Duke was in some sort of turkey/alcohol induced coma (seriously, he spent about 75% of this weekend sleeping), and Bris...we'll Bris started drinking at 9 am on Thanksgiving eve if that gives you any idea as to what he was up to this weekend. At least he didn't sleep with his ex this time. On with the Quick Links!
Remember that seemingly-endless rambling post about Fitzy's attempt at public image repair from last week? Guess who's still at it? And he brought some of his downtown friends with him. Yup, Paragary's has enlisted Fitzy to enlist us (us meaning Stockton as a whole, not us personally) to name the roof of the old Hotel Stockton. (Our suggestion? "Roof of the old Hotel Stockton". It's catchy and imaginative.)
Ignoring the fact that this still wouldn't technically qualify as a free lunch since our tax dollars helped subsidize Paragary's and helped renovate the actual building (something noted in the fucking column, bang up job Fitzy/whoever wrote that headline), this idea should go over as well as the last time Stockton had a naming contest when some imaginative son of a bitch named the Thunder's roommate the Lightening. Basically everybody will think it's rigged and some jackass will win with the most obvious name ever (hence our "Roof of the old Hotel Stockton" idea).
After getting the contest basics out of the way, Paragary's goes into full damage control mode after a couple of local candidates successfully used the restaurant as a symbol of the city's inept spending. Of course Fitzy doesn't ask the guy about the infamous $10 burger, instead Randy Paragary talks about his pastas and salads which allegedly have prices on par with other establishments around the city. Plus there's the blatant overture for our approval with the addition of happy hour pricing from 3-6, which is really a weak fucking happy hour. 3-6? We have jobs fuckass. I don't even get home until 5, and your mea culpa to the "working stiff" is a happy hour that ends an hour after a majority of the workforce gets off? Take a page out of BWDW Fats' book and extend happy hour until 8 and we'll talk. That or try working out a deal with your neighbors so the cops aren't trying to shut down parties up there at midnight.
While we're on the subject of downtown, we're not sure which is sadder. The fact that we apparently need a 12-story courthouse (not that we're questioning the need for a new courthouse, but that much? Really?), or the fact that that would make it the tallest building in Stockton.
Lodi residents are fighting to take back the streets from gangs. Gangs that account for less than 1% of police calls. I wish I was making that statistic up. That percentage of a percentage is apparently enough to cause dozens (that's right, dozens) of Lodi residents to have two town-hall style meetings to address the subject. That's right, they had two whole meetings and the best they could come up with was a neighborhood watch program. The first meeting was apparently to discuss what refreshments to bring to the second meeting. Lodi PD presumably spent that time planning their extensive Thanksgiving Eve prevention program because, like us, they know Lodi's real problem is bars going a smidge over capacity on heavy drinking nights. God forbid young people enjoy the downtown district they spent years revitalizing.
Sweet, we're finally getting some much needed aid for all these foreclosed homes. The city is working feverishly to find a way to pump all $9 mil downtown. You WILL live there dammit. Whether you like it or not.
And finally, we have to link to this story for a couple of reasons. For one, Littlejohn is perhaps the best last name of all time, and also because he was apparently chasing the slowest criminals of all time. If I have the timeline correctly, Littlejohn walked up to his car and realized it had been broken into, went and got a description of the getaway car from mall security, then saw the car on Pacific and decided to chase them, only to end up being the one chased. Now I know mall parking lots can be pretty hard to navigate, but the robbers only made it to Pacific fucking Avenue? And if the mall cops saw the getaway car, shouldn't they have at least gotten the license plate number Littlejohn was allegedly after? Or maybe chased them down while they made the long trek from the parking lot to Pacific Ave? And how the fuck do you end up behind someone you're chasing? Needless to say, there's a lot of unanswered questions, and we probably haven't heard the whole story.
Oh, and even we're not sure how the Niners beat the Bills. But few things are more satisfying than watching your team kill another team's playoff chances. Especially when your own team's playoff chances ended during the first month of the season.
Remember that seemingly-endless rambling post about Fitzy's attempt at public image repair from last week? Guess who's still at it? And he brought some of his downtown friends with him. Yup, Paragary's has enlisted Fitzy to enlist us (us meaning Stockton as a whole, not us personally) to name the roof of the old Hotel Stockton. (Our suggestion? "Roof of the old Hotel Stockton". It's catchy and imaginative.)
Ignoring the fact that this still wouldn't technically qualify as a free lunch since our tax dollars helped subsidize Paragary's and helped renovate the actual building (something noted in the fucking column, bang up job Fitzy/whoever wrote that headline), this idea should go over as well as the last time Stockton had a naming contest when some imaginative son of a bitch named the Thunder's roommate the Lightening. Basically everybody will think it's rigged and some jackass will win with the most obvious name ever (hence our "Roof of the old Hotel Stockton" idea).
After getting the contest basics out of the way, Paragary's goes into full damage control mode after a couple of local candidates successfully used the restaurant as a symbol of the city's inept spending. Of course Fitzy doesn't ask the guy about the infamous $10 burger, instead Randy Paragary talks about his pastas and salads which allegedly have prices on par with other establishments around the city. Plus there's the blatant overture for our approval with the addition of happy hour pricing from 3-6, which is really a weak fucking happy hour. 3-6? We have jobs fuckass. I don't even get home until 5, and your mea culpa to the "working stiff" is a happy hour that ends an hour after a majority of the workforce gets off? Take a page out of BWDW Fats' book and extend happy hour until 8 and we'll talk. That or try working out a deal with your neighbors so the cops aren't trying to shut down parties up there at midnight.
While we're on the subject of downtown, we're not sure which is sadder. The fact that we apparently need a 12-story courthouse (not that we're questioning the need for a new courthouse, but that much? Really?), or the fact that that would make it the tallest building in Stockton.
Lodi residents are fighting to take back the streets from gangs. Gangs that account for less than 1% of police calls. I wish I was making that statistic up. That percentage of a percentage is apparently enough to cause dozens (that's right, dozens) of Lodi residents to have two town-hall style meetings to address the subject. That's right, they had two whole meetings and the best they could come up with was a neighborhood watch program. The first meeting was apparently to discuss what refreshments to bring to the second meeting. Lodi PD presumably spent that time planning their extensive Thanksgiving Eve prevention program because, like us, they know Lodi's real problem is bars going a smidge over capacity on heavy drinking nights. God forbid young people enjoy the downtown district they spent years revitalizing.
Sweet, we're finally getting some much needed aid for all these foreclosed homes. The city is working feverishly to find a way to pump all $9 mil downtown. You WILL live there dammit. Whether you like it or not.
And finally, we have to link to this story for a couple of reasons. For one, Littlejohn is perhaps the best last name of all time, and also because he was apparently chasing the slowest criminals of all time. If I have the timeline correctly, Littlejohn walked up to his car and realized it had been broken into, went and got a description of the getaway car from mall security, then saw the car on Pacific and decided to chase them, only to end up being the one chased. Now I know mall parking lots can be pretty hard to navigate, but the robbers only made it to Pacific fucking Avenue? And if the mall cops saw the getaway car, shouldn't they have at least gotten the license plate number Littlejohn was allegedly after? Or maybe chased them down while they made the long trek from the parking lot to Pacific Ave? And how the fuck do you end up behind someone you're chasing? Needless to say, there's a lot of unanswered questions, and we probably haven't heard the whole story.
Oh, and even we're not sure how the Niners beat the Bills. But few things are more satisfying than watching your team kill another team's playoff chances. Especially when your own team's playoff chances ended during the first month of the season.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Top 5 pieces of advice for a drunken Thanksgiving Eve
With tomorrow being Thanksgiving we kicked around some ideas to help local residents out with the holiday season. Considering we're a collection of guys in their mid-twenties, cooking tips are pretty much out of the question. As are decorating tips, although I hear Bris Isaak has some interesting ideas for centerpieces. But there is one thing we can dole out advice on. You guessed it, drinking.
Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.
Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.
Tip #1 Arrive early
Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.
Tip #2 Don't drive
While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.
There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.
There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.
And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.
Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up
Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.
We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.
Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex
While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.
Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?
Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.
Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing
Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.
Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.
Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.
Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.
Tip #1 Arrive early
Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.
Tip #2 Don't drive
While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.
There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.
There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.
And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.
Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up
Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.
We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.
Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex
While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.
Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?
Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.
Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing
Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.
Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.
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