Quick Links for May 18th

Jesus tapdancing Christ it's hot. Welcome back summer. Luckily summer also brings us women wearing little-to-no clothing so I say bring it on sun! Sorry we're so late today, things have been busy behind the scenes here. We're on the verge of a fairly big announcement but I don't want to tip my hand quite yet. Just know it'll happen sometime this week. But until then Quick Links!

So much for the government harshing our mellow

Last week Mike Fitzgerald was in the middle of getting his Peter Tosh on, he blogged a reader's e-mail about worries that the government's weed would totally suck. Fitzy's argument was that it was better than the alternative, Mexican Tony Soprano weed. And he was right, government weed would be a great alternative to Mexican ganj. Not because of violence, but because Mexican weed sucks, and the feds a hoarding some straight up kill. So yeah, even when he's right, Fitz is still hilariously wrong.

Hey, speaking of The Man, fuck you Steve Moore

Before we get started we'd like to note that this never would have happened if Baxter Dunn were still alive (note: that's a joke, I'm pretty sure he's still with us). That being said, my bulshit detector went off so violently while reading this I thought it was on the fritz. Specifically this line:

"If I were trying to close down Lost Isle, I'd go straight after their liquor license," Moore said.

Which is a fine excuse except that you can't bleed somebody dry by just pulling their liquor license. Pulling the liquor license is an instant kill. If this were Mortal Kombat Steve "Smokey" Moore's fatality would be pulling the liquor license. But he's not going for the fatality, he's going for the green. No, not the green from the previous item, I'm talking about the root of all evil. The county can't get any money out of Lost Isle if they just shut them down. But if they make them jump through hoops to get those extra special permits that always pop up at the last second, fine them, and make them hire extra security (who, spoiler alert!, are often off-duty cops) then they can make some bank. Sure, not as much bank as they would make selling legalized pot and pot accessories, but still enough to make it worth their while. Plus, they'll get them to throw in a special dock just for making them drive out there to do (guh) their jobs.

Look, drunk people are going to fight. Don't punish Lost Isle because there's stupid people. Any bar on any given night can have that one retarded guy with the slutty friendly girlfriend and if she does the wrong thing while dude's got one too many drinks in him, shit's going down. If there's a UFC PPV on, the chances of this happening increases roughly 8000%. Sure, a guy died last year. But hey, Bogey's is still open. I guess what I'm saying is that while security proportionate to the crowd is important, don't ruin everybody's fun because some people are dicks and you're pissed you have to actually work and feel like applying a little political pressure.

And now let's see what Don Blount sa...aww, man. (Still cool though)

Words can't express how disappointed we were when we opened today's paper and saw Michael McCollum's column on photography lighting. Don't get me wrong, ever since I got that digital camera for my birthday I've been taking pictures like I'm some sort of teenage girl going through that artsy phtograpjhy stage (no picture of myself in the morror, yet) , so the lighting lesson was pretty interesting. But, I hate to admit it, but I've grown to anticipate the musings of noted wordsmith Don Blount every week. Sure, sometimes it's boring but sometimes he gives us gems like this:

"However, let's put some other words to Stockton.

Words like: theater, symphony and opera."

I could go on but lists are really more Mike Klocke's thing. But with lofty writing like that, you can't help but anticipate the prose that graces the A2 section only once a week. But hey, cool pictures work too.

Quick Links for May 15th

Sexy Friday is here, and I'm feeling a little Quick Linky today Quick Links!

RIP Wayman Tisdale 1964-2009

Some days just start off shitty. Today is one of those days. Former King, successful jazz musician, 3-time All-American with Oklahoma, bad motherfucker, one of my favorite NBA players, and all-around good great guy Wayman Tisdale lost his battle with cancer this morning at the age of 44. Tis discovered he had cancer 2 years ago when a cyst was found under his right knee after he broke his leg. They ended up having to amputate (!) that leg in August but the cancer returned and we're less one awesome dude.

I'm not sure what more I can add to this but Sactown Royalty's Tom Ziller said it best. Fuck you cancer. Fuck you.

Technology is awesome (via Digg)

Want to go see an IMAX movie on a big fucking screen? Well, make sure to double check whether or not the alleged IMAX movie theater you're planning to go to has one. Someone has complied a Google Map of which theaters have the actual huge IMAX screens and which ones just have slightly better digital quality. And if you missed yesterday's post, Stockton has a LIEMAX.

Congratulations UOP class of 2009. You're officially fucked, just like the rest of us (NSFW Porky's clip at the end)

UOP's graduation is this weekend and I was planning on offering advice to the outgoing seniors entering the real world, but Drew Magary beat me to it on Deadspin. My favorite (and the most accurate) passage:

"Guess what, fuckos? Party's over. You're out of college now, and your parents are now too poor to nurse you through grad school. No more fantasy life for you. No more ice luges. No more intellectual discourse. No more ripe teenage pussy. That's all over now. YOU ARE FUCKED. Your days will now consist of searching for a job in a marketplace where no available job of any sort fucking exists. Your commencement speaker will probably tell you your class "faces enormous challenges," or some bullshit euphemism like that. This is a lie. A challenge is something you can overcome. You, on the other hand, are completely, unavoidably fucked. You're not going to cure cancer. You're not going to stop wars. You're not going to save the planet. If you're lucky, you may stumble upon a $2 coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios one day. That will be about it."

So yeah, congrats. You wasted 4 years of your life on a worthless degree class of 2009. No, our educational system isn't broken at all, why do you ask?

Hopefully you still remember how to bullshit from all those papers you had to write, that's the only skill you use in the real world. And don't bother applying for that bartender job on craigslist to make ends meet. That Asian kid who always ruined the curve in your statistics class just took it. He was really good at bullshitting.

Noone was really fooled by Tony Amato's grandstanding...until Fitzy came along

Fitz took a break from his latest attempt to relate to the common man to praise Tony Amato for fixing what was mostly a clerical error and for pushing more students towards earning almost completely useless degrees. Naturally he ignores simple things, like the fact that Tony Amato wasn't even around for the 2007 Record story that they blew up and then dramatically ripped in half.

Of course the other question Fitzy doesn't even bother to ask is should we be pushing these kids towards college. Is that putting too much pressure on their parents to afford it? Hell, do they even need college? Yeah, yeah, kids are our future, whatever. But there are some kids who just aren't built for that shit. And frankly, I don't want the kid who decided he'd rather hang out with his friends in Oakland than go to school studying to be a doctor. That kid better not be our future. Unless his future is being a janitor.

But on top of all of that, don't we need to fix our increasingly expensive and increasingly useless educational system first before we start shipping kids off to places that don't properly teach them how to bullshit? Why Fitzy, who just last week was predicting a watershed change in the American way of life, doesn't question whether or not this system even works is beyond me. He's too busy praising a guy who just said "Hey, let's enforce the dropout guidelines." Presumably while crying.

Only Fitzy Can Miss the Point so Badly to Make us Argue Against Marijuana Legalization

Since pushing for the legalization of the demon weed last week Mike Fitzgerald's blog has apparently turned into his own version of "High Times". I guess when Schwarzenegger said now was the time to debate its legalization Fitzy decided that debate would happen on his blog. Which is both very pro-active and very un-stoner like of him.

One post in particular stood out, naturally it's the one where Fitzy puts his ignorance on full display.

A reader e-mailed him coming out against legalization, not because he's a party pooper, but because the man would totally keep the quality of that shit down through their regulations and stuff man! And while that's an interesting concept about one possible outcome of ending the reefer madness (even though I think, if anything, quality would probably increase because it's not like the government would grow it themselves), Fitzy's firm in his belief that quality Mary Jane is an acceptable sacrifice to stop the Mexican Tony Soprano (a term I wish I was making up).

So, because we can, here's the flaws in Fitzy's rebuttal. For one, this is Cali-motherfucking-fornia. And on top of that, it's Northern California. I don't know where or when Fitzy bought his last sack, but nobody smokes that shitty, Mexican dirt weed here. Nobody's smoked that shit since like the 70s. All the grass floating around here is from the Bay Area/Mendocino County, where, as the reader states, they got their shit down. Those "narco-states" that Fitzy finds so menacing realized long ago that they can't compete with the hippies and have moved onto, you know, actual narcotics (hence the term "narco-state").

It's actually kind of funny that Fitz invokes the name of Tony Soprano (mostly because combined with the Godfather and Scarface, that seems to be all he knows about the mafia lifestyle, so it must apply to the Mexicans too, right?), because if he just watched that show a little bit closely he'd see where the real problem(s) with his entire theory lies. For one, the big drug problem isn't pot, it's pretty much everything else harder than pot. Meth, Coke, Heroin, all over the fucking place. How he didn't realize this while talking to those homeless people I'll never know. When homeslice said that most homeless people were just looking for their next high, he sure as shit wasn't talking about some Medocino Greeno.

But let's imagine for a second that the big illegal drug trafficking racket was pot. Would legalizing it stop that at all? Just because it's legal doesn't mean people still won't try and sell it tax-free illegally. You can buy bootleg DVDs at the flea market for fuck's sake. Legalizing something is not a deterrent for illicit sales, if anything they'd benefit because without having to give their slice to the government, they'd have cheaper prices than in the stores. So not only would it not stop these theoretical pot cartels, but the government would still have to crack down on the illegal sales of bootleg weed. So the theory that legalization would save millions on enforcement is short sighted at best.

But let's pretend (yes, pretending within imagining. Just roll with it), that somehow these cartels can't take the heat from the legal competition and give up selling the reefer. Guess what? They're not going away. No, they spent too much time networking and setting up a system and paying guys to go to America and set up the operation. There's too much money invested to pack it up and go home, so they start selling the harder, illegal drugs (you know, the one's they're actually selling in the real world right now).

So even if we did live in Mike Fitzgerald's mythical wonderland where the Tijuana Cartel (which is a fucking ridiculous name, they're the Arellano-Felix Organization and they're fucking everywhere, not just TJ.) is just hucking pot and killing anybody who stands in their way, his solution just ends up where we are now, with the pushers pushing harder drugs.

Look, we're all for the legalization of pot and we're all for the getting the debate started (obviously since we're engaging the debate), but like we said last week the reason all those prohibitionists are so willing to dismiss Fitzy's arguments for legalization is because he's presenting flawed, weak arguments. Legalizing pot isn't going to neuter organized crime just like the end of alcohol prohibition didn't. They're a business with a sophisticated network, they'll just do what other businesses do when someone eats of their market share. They'll adapt and find new markets to dominate. If they just went away, well then they wouldn't be the tough, scary sons of bitches Mike Fitzgerald says they are.

The excitement is brewing

I don't know if you realized this, but Stockton cant spend its money right.  Shocking, yes.  But I cannot take the credit for breaking this.  I have to credit Fitzy, wait, Siders, wait, was it Fitzy?  

Timeline!

10:41am Fitzy 

Writes vague synopsis of data table from CalPers showing employees making over 100k per year.  Tells us people from Stockton are on list (shock!).

11.28am  Siders

Siders does more than just give a link with vague references.  He gives names, monthly totals, and annual earnings from these pension plans in a nice table.  Lets us know how many Stockton employees currently make up that list. 

2:34 pm Fitzy

Fitzy now goes in depth with some hard news reporting....in an e-mail someone sent him saying his interest had been piqued by the previous vague blog post.  So in doing research, John Beckman, CEO of the Building Industry Association of the Delta is the one who breaks down his findings.

There were three posts in the matter of hours, two offered a little more information, and one is, well, I don't know.  I can appreciate the columnist trying to break news.  Honestly you should get a gold star for this, you really should.  You did some digging I guess, although I still am curious how you magically happened to be looking in the Bay Area businesses for sale and came up with that.  You used your contact, did some digging, left a message, and got a response.  You know, actual journalism, instead of this mess in my Sunday paper that hurt my head.  But if you want to stick with it, then go all the way through with it.  I shouldn't be reading about Stockton and Anaheim having similar numbers of 100k employees on the payroll from a guy whose not involved.  And no, printing his e-mail doesn't count.  You should be the one working those numbers to give actual analysis.  

I know its a rush to see who might be better, or who might break it first.  And I'll assume that the news came across the newsroom in a similar fashion.  But its ok to take your time and make it look professional when posting it, instead of just being the first to post it.

Old man Fitzy misses the way we were

It's a slow news day (again), so it's time to take a look at Fitzy's column from Sunday. And well, there's a lot to look at.

I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be some sort of anti-sprawl commentary, but it gets lost among the old-timey prosey (those are actual words, right?) style he attempts to write in to describe his childhood ride to Gilroy.

I would love to sympathize with Fitzy. I too hate the sprawl that kills the agricultural land that makes/made San Joaquin Valley relevant. But he makes his point in such an old man "back in my day" sort of way that I just can't bring myself to agree with him. The growth he's complaining about, no matter how poorly planned, was needed. Everybody wants things to remain simple in their small town. Lodi's turned it into an art form. Morada's not even an actual town and it actively combats growth. One of the biggest issues at the mayor's town hall meeting in "the SOUTH!" was how shit wasn't like it was back in the day. Of course shit's not like it was back in the day, that's what makes it back in the day.

Everybody likes to wax nostalgic about a simpler time but simpler doesn't necessarily mean better. Things fucking change, it happens. Growth is inevitable, whether it be personal growth or municipal growth it's going to happen. Towns, like people, have and should always have aspirations to better themselves.

The challenges Tracy is facing aren't any different than the challenges every town goes through when experiencing growing pains. They'll figure it out and they'll be a better community for it. Whether you're a town or a person how you face challenges defines who and what you are. Tracy, as Fitz noted, isn't the town it once was. It's grown, and that's not a bad thing. He just presents it as a bad thing because it didn't grow into what he wanted it to be. Same goes for his constant championing of downtown Stockton. They too are going through some growing pains and Fitz is there trying to keep the status quo. He wants it to be some upscale area where everybody's classy and he can feel safe walking around in a smoking jacket while he and Randy Paragary smoke their pipes (sadly, filled with tobacco. Although sometimes I wonder about him) on the roof of the Hotel Stockton. Well, downtown's growing in a different direction. His response? He pretty much called us petty dicks. Twice.

I'll try and wrap this up soon, but I guess my argument is that, contrary to Fitzy's claims, the quality of life is better than it was when his dad was driving him to Gilroy in that symbolic Chrysler-made Dodge Polaris. Towns, people, everything is constantly changing. Change isn't bad, and change doesn't define who we are as a community. Tracy, Stockton, Gilroy, Lodi, wherever aren't defined by shrinking farmland and cookie-cutter communities. We're defined by how we, as a community, react to that change. And I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of change going on right now.

We're not on the cusp of a giant shift or historic change, it fucking happened. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The very real challenges we're already facing and how we react to them will define our generation. We need to tackle these challenges head on, come up with new ways to move forward. Instead, Fitz apparently wants us to got back to the simpler way things were (note: he never outright says so, but the lamenting of growth combined with the whole quality of life thing seems to insinuate as much. So let us assume for argument's sake), even though that model broke a while back and was replaced by the faltering one we have now. I hate to sound like a politician (or the motivational speaker I seem to be channeling today) but we can't go backwards. That's not progress. We have to go forward, fight back if you will.

We're just in a particularly tough fight right now. One of our eyes is swollen shut so we can't see how much time is left in the round and the economy's peppering us with body blows. Fitzy apparently wants us to cry "No más" and go back to a simpler time that he understands. I don't wanna go out like that. We'll figure it out, I'm not sure how, but we'll figure it out. He said it himself, every generation will do better than it's predecessor. Falling back on the simpler days of yesteryear isn't doing better. And frankly, it's kind of sad.

I don't know how other cities are going to react to this fight, but I know Stockton. We're not a town of pussies God dammit. We're fighters. Sure, our opponent knocked out Chrysler, but we won't go down like that. Remember, real fighters are from Stockton.

Quick Links for April 30th

Sorry about the impromptu day off. BlogSpot/Blogger changed a few things with their site that hinders our regular posting ability. We're back for today, so let's knock out some Quick Links! While I contemplate a switch to WordPress.

Somewhere, Alan Pettet is channeling his inner Mr. Burns and letting out an "Exxxcellent"

So it's April 30th, which means it's the City Council's self-imposed soft deadline to have a deal in place with the Stockton Police Officers Association so they can get their budget in on time. So naturally there's still no deal in place and labor talks have ended. And, as with any milestone in this debacle, the number of planned layoffs has jumped again! This time it's jumped up 9 more officers bringing the grand total of the most optimistic budget plan to 52. The city is presumably waiting until those 9 cops have knocked up their wives or at a loved one's funeral (or in the hospital after injuring themselves disposing of that dangerous looking bag of lawn clippings) before dropping off layoff notices in their mailboxes. Of course, that number will shrink once the city offers retirement incentives to some of the older cops who have higher seniority and the resulting higher paychecks. So really, even though we're just a month away from the hard budget deadline, we're still playing the same posturing game we were playing 6 months ago. Now that's progress.

Fuck, it's always something with Tracy

Well, that Swine Flu pandemic that's claimed one whole life in the US (Note: it could be more by now, but well, I don't care) has finally (maybe) hit SJ County. Where? Tracy of course. Was there really any doubt? God's latest dumping ground takes another hit, and just as they gained a false sense of security after the Cantu case! We assume Tracy resident and one time fill-in poster BaconBabe is devastated by this news. Mostly because she hates media overkill as much as we do. Not to mention everybody hates uppity parents bitching about the safety of their children. Hey, speaking of...

This all makes a lot more sense when you realized the SUSD board of trustees is actually the student government

Ok, well at least they're acting like they have the maturity level of the students they have power over. We'd tackle each of these stories individually but frankly, we don't care. We don't have kids and it looks like all of this is just petty, political posturing. There's the guy (Anthony Silva) who's bitter that he lost reelection by one vote, and he just happened to show up the day another guy presents his case to recall the trustee that beat him out. Yeah, Silva's not bitter/petty at all. Then there's other board members bitching about one guy's vote on a seven person board, which makes total sense. And then there's my favorite story, "Tony Amato shouldn't use the rarely used district SUV that he pays the lease for, so let's pick up the tab for that and pay Amato $650 more a month." Confused? Yeah, so was the dumb broad who brought it up, now the district's out another $7,600 plus $650 a month to Amato. But it's ok, it's not like we're in a recession or anything. It's not like retarded populist sentiment is to crucify any sort of avoidable, non-essential spending, even with private money.

How do you know when your article/column is biased?

When the subject calls you to thank you for its fairness and accuracy when it was anything but fair and accurate. Apparently Randy does great business when the biggest festival of the year is in town, imagine that. He also has 3 potential buyers going through the motions with his broker. So soon, affordable food will be available in that space. But until then, you can continue paying twice the price for half the food! But really, this is all about some petty subsidy boycott. Not affordability, at all.

We're #19! We're #19!

In what can only be described as the most obvious example of link-baiting this side of Politico (a practice we encourage by the way), Christian Burkin has complied 2007's violent crime stats into national rankings in a response to Forbes' most recent list declaring us the 5th most dangerous metropolitan statistical area.

He used the crime stats for actual cities as opposed to the previously mentioned MSAs and lowered the population threshold for list inclusion to 100,000. Basically he used the stats and rules normally used when violent crime rates rankings are made instead of Forbes' lazy way of doing things. The result? Well, Detroit's not even the most dangerous city in it's state. Flint, Mich. beats by a whole extra violent crime per 1,000 people. Oakland is actually 5th behind those 2, St. Louis, and Memphis. And Stockton ranks a low, but still impressive 19th (take that Buffalo!).

Suspicious by their absence is Las Vegas, which is kind of funny considering there's not really a metropolitan area around Vegas, just more desert. But hey, math was never our strong suit so we'll trust CB on this one. But we may have to rethink our wager with Sin City now.

Fitzy's latest love is a "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss" kind of situation

We did miss one other thing on Friday, something big. Something that let's you know that spring is in the air, everyone has that little extra spring in their step, birds chirping, all that crap that let's you know it's time for some good ol' fashioned summer lovin'. That's right, Fitzy's in love again! He's now apparently spurned the advances of IFG's Stephen Grossman, on the same day he bought him a Dylan/Nelson/Mellencamp concert too! That bitch!

Yes, he's spurned Grossman (from now on known as the Ex Cannon) in favor of a man who knows Fitzy's true love, downtown revitalization. Yes, in a move not unlike that one girl you know who only dates douchebags in emo bands who wear more eyeliner than she does, Fitzy has fallen hard for Revitalization Director David Harzoff. Whom you may or may not remember from this little incident. He's also known as the guy who replaced longtime Fitz love Steve Pinkerton, who left Fitzy after 12 blissful years to take a better job in Manteca and then blogged about it to presumably rub it in his face ("look how happy I am over here without you!").

What turn of events could cause Fitzy to switch horses so quickly? Well, he was wooed with some pillow talk about downtown housing that got him so hot and bothered he chased down Harzoff after the event at Casa Flores (without paying! OMG this is straight out of a Hugh Grant movie!) and said "Talk dirty to me."

Of course, all that dirty talk was theoretical because we have no money to actually, you know, do anything. But Fitzy was still fascinated and gazed longingly into Herzoff's eyes as he spouted off bullshit for him to report to the masses.

Included in that bullshit is a plan to revitalize the nicest area near downtown (Fremont Street) and tear down a state office building (which I'm sure the state would love) and replace it with more shops and cafes. And then he wants to bring in a developer to turn the B+M building into 4 different things, a first floor family style restaurant complete with it's own gourmet hot dog window, a second-floor dance club (because we don't have enough douchey Euro bars as it is), and a third floor private club (because if there's one thing we've learned from this whole thing it's that the citizens of Stockton love snooty private clubs for the rich). Sound ambitious? Yeah, he's pretty proud of himself. From the column:

"'All of a sudden, that plaza starts feeling a lit more like a district,' Harzoff said approvingly."

Sure, I guess, but this is all just in theory. Like when Bris, Duke, and I talk about buying up Stockton Stooges and opening up our own bar. But, like the downtown's redevelopment district, we're broke so those talks stay just that, talks. David Harzoff doesn't go down as easily. Again from the column:

"This sticking point is being addressed in two ways, Harzoff said. First, he is merging two Port redevelopment districts with the downtown district."

So taking money from other districts to fund even more downtown projects? Yeah, Stockton's voters will love that.

"Merging it with two districts at the port, where business is robust, gives it access to millions. But, Harzoff hastened to add, all these dollars will not be taken from the port, which is generating sorely needed jobs."

So we'll merge downtown's district with two port districts because the downtown district has no money, but we won't be taking money from the port? Makes total sense.

"The second policy shift is balance. A share for downtown, a share for the port, a share for the southside and other districts. Not robbing Peter to pay Paul until Peter threatens a recall."

(Reads that paragraph again.)

(Reads entire column again.)

(Reads paragraph again)

(Downs shot of whiskey)

Umm, what? A share of the port district money? A share of the revenue generated from downtown? A share of redevelopment money in general? A share of delicious pie? What the fuck is he talking about? (Note: We know what he's talking about, he just never actually says it in the column. Which could confuse people who don't know exactly how redevelopment funds work. Which, judging by that town hall meeting last week, is a lot of people.)

Fuck this, I'm done. Fitzy's entire column is a load of bullshit. More championing for the downtown district he's been so fond of. It's like he just ignored the last few years happened, you know, the part where everybody got fed up with the consistent flow of cash into one concentrated area. But instead of completely ignoring that, he just wants to make that concentrated area bigger so we can pump even more cash downtown, yet somehow balance that cash and send it southside as well.

Look, we're all for having a decent downtown entertainment district. We'd love to have more venues for drinking and catching some local band, but for the love of God not now. Nobody's saying let's completely abandon downtown since it's failed, what we're saying it slow the fuck down and let the rest of us catch up. And while we're catching up, concentrate on other areas of Stockton.

Downtown's future was never in doubt, we just don't know exactly what that future will entail. People will come around and downtown will thrive. It may not thrive like Fitzy or others wanted it to thrive (as a hub for the rich movers and shakers of the area), but it will find its niche that's decidedly Stockton and that's when more growth may be warranted. Smart growth, not this trial by error shit Harzoff's spouting (which is what got us in this mess in the first place).

Downtown's going through changes right now, people are realizing that maybe trying to be like other cities is a bad idea (I swear to God the next person who mentions San Antonio's River Walk is getting punched in the mouth), we just need to be like Stockton. Unfortunately those in charge haven't figured out what Stockton is yet. Once they have we can act, but until then shut the fuck up about pumping more cash downtown. We're fucking tired of it.

Poor Randy Paragary, if only we weren't such bitter pricks he'd be successful!

Well, we were right. Mike Fitzgerald is the last guy who should be covering this Paragary's story. It's news, and old Fitzy is too biased to treat it objectively like any newsperson should. So, for those of you playing along at home, it's time to play....
(Insert game show theme here)

Spot! The! Bias!

Yes, it's Spot the Bias, the game show where we take somebody's article or column and pick it apart and point out where the writer displayed obvious bias against or in favor of their subject! Today's contestant is Fitzy and his column about the possible sale of Paragary's. Paragary's being Fitzy's favorite downtown restaurant he will obviously be biased in favor of anything Randy Paragary says. What constitutes bias you ask? Well, it could be an adjective, it could be ignoring other factors for the one you want to push, or it could be contradicting something said in the previous paragraph with the very next quote and not saying anything about it. Yes, this will be a glorious example of damning somebody with their own words. But first, the setup!

"Paragary's Bar & Grill, the beautiful but controversially subsidized restaurant that city leaders hoped would help catalyze downtown Stockton's revival, is up for sale.

Price: $555,000, batteries not included. Hopefully neither are the restaurant's challenges."

Here's hoping he lists all of the restaurant's challenges and not just the one he always harps on, but that's all part of the game. So let's play...

Spot! The! Bias!

Our first piece of bias is a personal favorite because it involves damning people with their own words (which I love doing) and it involves this week's Out-of-Context Quote of the Week!

"'It's not a case of sell or close,' Paragary said. 'I'm exploring all options.'"

All options? Then, what about this?

"If it doesn't sell, Paragary said, he will tweak offerings to better suit a standoffish Stockton market."

Oh, hi Out-of-Context Quote of the Week. What's that? Exploring all options includes tweaking the menu for the market before threatening to take your ball and go home? Surely that's not bias. That's just bad business practices.

The bias is in calling Stockton standoffish. We're not dating Paragary's. We're not having a fight with Paragary's where we, as a city, passive-aggressively critique its hair. We're just not eating there because we don't like the expensive food and the snooty atmosphere. That's not standoffish, that's making a business decision based on the factors I just listed. That subsidy thing is old hat, we're way past that now. Even Bris, Duke, and I; the most stubborn people I know, gave up on that subsidy thing a while back and visited Paragary's with predictable results. The reason Paragary's failed is not because of some petty subsidy-based boycott. So let's stop all that talk right now. Ok?

"(The ad) refers to the $2.7 million subsidy - five years of free rent - that generated opposition and a partial boycott"

Care to quote anybody saying they boycotted Paragary's specifically because of the subsidy? No? BIAS! And just bad journalism too. At least it's not like Fitzy fed all of this to Randy Paragary during his interview and Paragary responded with "Yeah, what you said."

"'I've been told through e-mails and letters to the editor and even to my face that certain people do not go there because of what you just described,' Paragary said."

Oh well. At least he got somebody to comment on the "boycott", even if it was Paragary himself. At least people told him how they felt to his face as opposed to sneaking an ad up on San Francisco's Craigslist two weeks ago without telling the city or even his own fucking investors. But let's move on with the game, can you give us vague examples of other subsidized businesses that aren't boycotted because apparently all subsidies are created equal?

"The public has subsidized development - sprawl - in sums that dwarf the Paragary's deal. But they don't boycott subdivisions. The city gave its sports teams a deal sweeter than chocolate covered macadamia nuts. Nobody boycotts the arena."

Again, no quotes from people who say the Arena is ok but Paragary's isn't. It just is man. That arena is always sold out, and everybody supports the Thunder 100%! Oh wait, we don't. Those games don't sell out and one of the tenants of the Arena (the Cougars) are also trying to leave. So really it's the same fucking thing. But hey, when he does get another quote about boycotts, it comes from the same fucking source, Randy Paragary.

"'We,' Paragary said, "bore the brunt of subsidy fatigue.'"

Because, as you know, we forced him to take that place rent free at gunpoint. Man, will the bias ever stop?

"Other brunts poor Paragary bears:"

...

Poor Paragary? Poor Paragary? How can anybody take this seriously anymore? The possible sale of Paragary's is a news story. Fucking write it with some semblance of objectivity you elitist fuck!

Sorry about that, let's continue with the plight of poor millionaire restaurateur Randy Paragary.

"Retail shops never materialized on the Hotel Stockton's ground floor, and downtown is still Skid Row to many."

Oh hey, reasons that aren't subsidy based. It's nice that this is everybody's fault but Paragary's. Fuck it, let's jump to the last piece of glaring bias so we can summarize.

"Therefore, 'in retrospect, I don't think of it as a subsidy,' Paragary said, making a good point. 'I think the deal we made was truly market. Free rent in that location is market. It's just a reality. Anybody who operated in that location will need free rent for a while.'"

Ignoring the fact that he brings up the subsidy again. Think of the last time you saw a reporter remark that the quoted subject made a "good point". Can't think of one? That's because they don't. He can make a point, but when you comment one the quality of that point you're pushing objectivity to the side.


Ok, now that we got all that journalismy bias stuff out of the way, let's get to the main issue here. Mike Fitzgerald and Randy Paragary are basically saying it's our fault for the failure of Paragary's because we don't want to eat there for whatever reasons. They're painfully wrong. Randy Paragary has one person and one person alone to blame for the failure of his Stockton restaurant, and his name is Randy Paragary.

Paragary didn't study the market he was basically paid to enter. He opened a high-class ritzy restaurant in a working-class, blue collar town. Yes, nobody likes it when rich people get financial breaks, but nobody's thinking "Oh man, that guy doesn't pay rent, fuck him" anymore. It's been a while, we've all pretty much given Paragary's a shot. It's not a fit for our town. It fits Sacramento because that place is filled with douchebags who like to pretend their cowtown is some ritzy political metropolis. Stockton doesn't have delusions of grandeur (ok, well it's citizens don't. City Council is another story). We are what we are. If Paragary had done just a simple study of the new market he was getting in to (which any good businessman should do before entering a new market), he would have seen that. But instead he chose to blame everything and everybody else. It's our fault we don't like the atmosphere, it's our fault we can't afford the prices, it's our fault the food tastes like shit, and it's our fault that the customer service is inexcusably bad. And most importantly, it's our fault we're not classy enough to "get" Paragary's. Well fuck you Randy Paragary, I'm classy as hell. At least I tell people I'm moving to their face instead of having them find out via Craigslist you classless fuck.

So yeah, it looks like we were right. The last person to write this story besides Randy Paragary was Mike Fitzgerald. And even then he got help from Paragary. Which is kind of fitting, those two are class acts.

Out of Context Quote of the Week!

Fuck it, I know it's only Tuesday and I know we should wait for the actual column to come out but this one was too much. Your out-of-context quote of the week is a look into the business practices of Randy Paragary from Mike Fitzgerald's blog:

"If it doesn't sell, Paragary said he will tweak his offerings to better suit a standoffish Stockton market."

In other words, he's looking to sell before trying the simple business practice of changing his menu and/or prices. You, Randy Paragary, are a classy motherfucker. And with business practices like that, I can't imagine why your business isn't profitable.

Mike Fitzgerald is probably the wrong guy to cover this Paragary's story

In our excitement over news of the eventual sale of Paragary's and Fitzy's reaction to said sale we forgot something (I blame residual affects from yesterday's high holiday). Namely, should Mike Fitzgerald be the one reporting on it? The conflict of interest chart I keep in my wallet sadly says "no".

Why? Well, for one Fitzy hasn't really hidden the fact that he's pals with Randy Paragary. He even went as far to hold a contest on his blog attempting to name the already named roof of the old Hotel Stockton.

More recently he called our understanding of subsidies into question, because subsidies are what I take into consideration when I'm constemplating where to eat. Quality of food, service, atmosphere, and price have nothing to do with it. Plus he argued that we shouldn't hate on Paragary's because it wasn't the recipient of the biggest subsidy. Yet, he never mentions what other places received larger subsidies because all subsidies are created equal apparently.

But, perhaps most damning, is what he mentioned in his initial blog post about the future sale of Paragary's:

"I'll check this out later today. If this is legit, please consider going in with me on this venture."

He's a potential buyer! I know the Record doesn't really give a shit about conflicts of interest, but this seems like a big one. He could skew the coverage to scare away potential buyers! Which is a way more effective way to scare off buyers than talking to employees and customers (oh craigslist, you're so full of hilarity).

So yeah, as much as we'd love to see it for our own twisted purposes, Mike Fitzgerald is the last guy who should be covering the possible sale of Paragary's, besides perhaps Randy himself.

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye

Hilarious news out of downtown Stockton today. Yesterday Mike Fitzgerald happened upon a Craigslist ad for business space that suspiciously resembled venerable snooty restaurant, and purveyor of randomly placed billboards, Paragary's.

After waiting a whole half a day for a response (and taking time to take a jab at the ABC/Garden/whoever owns it this week Buffet and it's plastic palm trees) Randy Paragary returned his call and confirmed that he is in fact a shitty restaurateur leaving.

Thank fucking God. Now hopefully somebody good will buy the space and make it useful to a majority of Stockton. I always thought a kick ass Mexican restaurant would be perfect there. Or maybe an Applebees. Bris and Duke vote for a microbrewery. Preferably one that doesn't have a menu change every time we visit (coughValleyBrewcough). Which would also be awesome.

We can't wait for Fitzy's column about this tomorrow. Will he turn on longtime ally Randy Paragary? Will he defend his friend's decision to leave even though he pays no rent and really only has to lower prices and cut the high class bullshit to be successful? Or will Mike direct his rage at the City Council for attracting multiple tenants with lucrative deals (Thunder, Lightening, Cougars, Paragary's) only to have the owners of all of them say "fuck it" and walk away? Or perhaps he'll talk to ex-loverRedevelopment head Steve Pinkerton about it! Stay tuned for tomorrow's Fitzy column which we're already predicting will be a gem.

Until next time, fuck you Randy Paragary. Nobody wanted you here in the first place.

Writer's workshop with Mike Fitzgerald!

It's tough coming up with daily content for this site. I don't say this to garner pity, I say it to make a point. One of the features we came up with to help generate that content is the Quick Links, which is basically a list of multiple stories that we make fun of. We fully admit to it being lazy writing, but we can get away with that because we're unpaid bloggers who do this in our free time. If you're a paid writer who has, say, 3 columns a week, we expect a little more.

But Mike Fitzgerald's column Sunday wasn't just an example of lazy writing, it was like a lazy writing clinic. By our count, there's at least 3 lazy writing techniques in just that one column. Missed them? Feel free to follow along at home.

As we said, lists are lazy writing. Lazy writing we're guilty of but lazy writing nonetheless. Anytime someone starts a column off with "A few random thoughts." or "Some loose items for a lazy summer Sunday." they're pretty much saying "I couldn't think of anything so watch me blow smoke out my ass." Fitzy does this occasionally. Don Blount's done it already during his short but illustrious stint as the Monday columnist. Mike Klocke not only throws up random lists but also usually lists the same things (more often than not his columns are an El Guapo roll call). And of course Bob Highfill has made the meandering mind droppings column an art form. Tomorrow one of Must Be's bulletpoints will probably be "I wonder when that Nick Diaz fellow is going to fight again. It's been a while hasn't it?" (By the way, watching Diaz pretty much bitch slap Frank Shamrock for a round and a half was glorious. And the Stockton crowd was out in force Saturday night).

But anyway, yeah, lists only work when the items are related. When you're jumping from budget cuts to book shilling to a glorified obit it kind of kills any flow the column could have had. And trust me, I know all about killing the flow of a column/post.

Next, and the one I take biggest issue with, is playing devil's advocate. Presenting something unthinkably stupid and then saying "Just kidding! But it's an interesting thought, ain't it?" Fitzy not only does this, but he couples it with his populist crusade against "frivolous" government spending (OMG! They're spending money! You guys don't have any! Follow me with your torches and pitchforks!). He spends a majority of his column on this one item in which he suggests killing the Asparagus Festival and the presents and then shoots down arguments to keep it. All in the interest of playing Devil's advocate. Of course he forgot one big reason why his idea doesn't hold water, but it would kill the whole discussion right away so he doesn't bring it up. Plus it also makes his whole excess government spending crusade look bad. And we can't have that.

Anyway, the big hole in his entire argument is that, as he states in his column, the city spends roughly $526,000 on the Asparagus Festival. $300,000 of that going towards police OT. But the city's budget shortfall is $31 million. So his entire bad idea is based on the premise that the city would make up less than 1/60th (or 1/30th if you want to count the 2010 Asparagus Festival as well) of the budget disparity by eliminating one of the few entertaining events we have left since the city raped the spirit of St. Patrick. Of course, this lapse in logic hasn't stopped him before in calling for the elimination of free coffee/water for government employees (saving the city $32,938, which is such a small fraction of the budget shortfall it's not even worth calculating. Also, ironically suggested during another list column), so why should it stop him now?

And then of course there's the last bit of lazy writing, copying and pasting. Which is pretty much what he did with that part about Vernell Jefferson. Maybe I've just spent too much time at the Duke family household, but a large family is hardly a big deal. I used to know a family in Lodi that boasted 22 kids (yes, they were Mormon), so this reprint of an obit doesn't impress me at all. So yeah, saying "Hey did you catch this?" and then reprinting it is way lazy. Sure, we do it all the time. But more should be expected from Fitzy. He's a well-paid columnist in a field that's seeing across the board cutbacks, and we're just a bunch of anonymous drivel.

Is that you Clyde? Seriously, this isn't cool! I'm the symbol this town needs! Not you!

Yesterday in the Quick Links I relayed the story of a proposed group of vigilantes that would "activate" (their words, not mine) if the city were to lay off 43 police officers this summer. Everybody and their mothers agreed that it was a horrible idea... ok, well everybody with a brain did (oh, and Mike Fitzgerald). Others called in to say "I have a death wish! Sign me up!" Which really wasn't that surprising.

What was surprising was that somebody called up to say they had that idea already. No really, they even have uniforms. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Angels of Christ (Ok, technically it's given by David Siders). They are by far the most depressing militia of all time.

They're run by (or at least represented by) Martin Hernandez of Stockton who decided to protest the proposed layoffs of at least 43 of Stockton's finest. Because, you know, the city wants to lay those officers off.

As if that uniform (which if our knowledge of all things Olden Polynice is correct, can't be legal) wasn't depressing enough, this group comes complete with delusions of grandeur!

From Siders' blog:

"Hernandez said there are 16 people in his group and that he has detained perhaps 20 people in three months for the Stockton Police Department to arrest."

Oh, so their working with Stockton PD. I wonder what they have to say about this uptick in vigilantism.

"Officer Pete Smith, a department spokesman, said, 'I’ve never heard of Angels of Christ.'"

Hmmm, that seems to directly contradict Hernandez's comment. Do they just drop criminals off on the Police Department's stoop? Surely they have more training than the Stockton Armed Militia.

"Hernandez said he learned in Sacramento 10 years ago how to arrest people and use weapons"

Oh, well that's in no way comforting. Nothing says "safety" like 10 year old detainment tactics. At the very least they're a bunch of big guys. You know, like bouncers or something. Somebody imposing looking and this disheveled, unemployed man is just their spokesperson.

"Hernandez, of Angels of Christ, is at the podium... He is introducing Sandra, who he said is also an Angel of Christ."

Aww, isn't that adorable. They let women into their group. Sandra must be some sort of Amazon woman if she can hang with the AoC.

"Sandra said she is a teenager."

What. The. Fuck. Fucking teenagers!?

So let me get this straight. Stockton's proposing laying off upwards of 90 police officers and the residents of our fair city come back with multiple vigilante groups patrolling the streets with one involving teenage girls? Seriously!? This is the best fucking idea we can come up with?

I hate to sound like an elitist (that's Fitzy's schtick) but this is why we have our current government structure. The residents of Stockton can never eeeeeeeeever bitch about the horrible ideas presented by the City Council again. Sure, some of them may present silly ideas like declaring bankruptcy. But that idea pales in comparison to having an armed, overmatched group of vigilantes roaming the most dangerous areas of Stockton or replacing sworn officers with sad-looking dudes and teenagers. Hell, compared to impending vigilante warfare declaring bankruptcy looks like as good an idea as a Scarlett Johannsen topless scene.

Sadly, the national media is picking up on these stories. They love to exploit crazy people apparently. In the previously linked Fitzy article the World's dumbest attorney Ron Stein said he had an appointment his morning to talk to the Associated Press. Great, because if there's one thing Stockton needs it's more negative press. Is it too early to start drinking bourbon?

We don't want to repeat ourselves but....

State a motherfucking opinion in your motherfucking columns!

We harped on this as early as 2 weeks ago. And well, we'll continue to do so until somebody at the Record shows they got a pair. Let's run down the list again shall we?

Let's start with Fitzy who's Sunday column seems to be warning us that there are Mexican gangs in Stockton. Allow me this moment of faux indignant surprise...

Whoa whoa whoa ! When the fuck did this happen? Gangs from fucking Mexico? Who would have thought that a town where the majority of the population is Latino would have Latin gangs? Thank you Mike Fitzgerald for bringing this to the attention of the people of Stockton. Without this column people would probably just assume that drugs just magically appear out of thin air. I'm just floored that the Norteños and Sureños aren't some sort of club like the Elk's lodge! Those guys are gangs!? Feuding gangs!? Jesus tittyfucking Christ how are we going to combat this? Quick! Get Commissioner Gordon on the phone right away! We need to alert Batman as soon as fucking possible!

Ok, sorry if that was too sarcastic for you, but I was just flabbergasted when I read that column on Sunday. The whole point of the column as far as I can tell is "there's a Mexican drug war". Which is like saying "the economy's not doing so hot right now" or "the Kings aren't an elite team this year". Shit like that just doesn't need to be said, it's just fucking known. Hell, even my 12-year old sister knows about the gangs in Stockton. Anybody who even takes a cursory glance at McNair High knows there's gangs in Stockton. At the very least, if a column's not going to state an opinion, it needs to be informative. This column was neither. Stay tuned for Fitzy's next column entitled "The Earth is round and the Sun will rise tomorrow morning." Although to be fair Peter King thought that column was a fascinating read.

As useless and insulting as Fitzy's column was, at least he didn't pretend it was anything but informing the people of what they already knew. Editor in Chief Mike Klocke's column seems to just be a laundry of list of shit that sucks right now. Which would be fine if:

A. He didn't just do that 2 weeks ago.

B. Was right about half the items on that list. Like saying there's been an uptick in crime when the crime statistics for last year haven't been officially released yet and preliminary glimpses at crime statistics actually indicate a possible slight downturn in violent crimes. (Not to mention we already know that 2008 had the fewest homicides since the days of Disco)

And C. Actually came through with the opinion the headline teases.

For those too lazy, the headline is "There's really only one way to fix Stockton's huge problems". Which would be a fine headline if he actually presented that one way in the actual column. Is he trying to say we should be more like Tracy? Because we can't. Our problems are inherently different. Tracy's not in the middle of a budget crunch. They're not considering layoffs. They're actually increasing hours for cops to find Sandra Cantu. All shit we can't do.

Is he saying we should band together as a community like Tracy has? That's a nice idea but Ann Johnston's been preaching that for months now and that's not really going to fix the problem, it's just a coping mechanism for us. Which is fine, but everybody helping out their neighbor isn't going to make $31 million dollars magically appear. It isn't going to turn the job market around. It isn't going to make downtown profitable. It will just help us get through these tough times.

The only real solution he does offer is this:

"It's becoming more apparent that the only way out of the fiscal mess is through layoffs or contractual concessions with law enforcement (police and fire)."

So, in other words. They're pretty much fucked. Which we really already knew. And that's really only one solution to the growing list of problems facing Stockton and the World today. Even if PD and FD are forced to take concessions and/or layoffs the economy would still suck. Houses with shaggy lawns will still have For Sale signs in front of them. And city workers will definitely still be pissed off at the City Council. Thanks for offering up even the tiniest sliver of hope and then just reminding us that we're completely and totally fucked Mike. Because it's not depressing enough when those thoughts are in the back of my head, you have to go and bring them to the forefront twice in the span of a month.

And then, well, then we get to Don Blount. Don wants you to know that his credit card number got stolen. Why? Frankly I don't know. Why does Don do anything these days? It's becoming more and more apparent that we missed the mark when coming up with a name for Don's column. It's not "Shit Don Blount Saw" it's like we're reading his fucking diary.

No really, observe.

Dear Diary,

Ted Bestolairdes hasn't apologized to me yet. He's such a meany.

Love, Donny

Dear Diary,

I saw some of those old fashioned typewriters and thought about buying one but I didn't. I showed good self control. I think I deserve some Ben and Jerry's for showing such restraint. Americone Dream is just the best.

Love, Donny

Dear Diary,

Some scary dogs were fighting in my driveway. I scared them off though because I'm so big and strong. By the way, did you know Obama's black like me? It's amazing. I bet Obama could scare off stray dogs too. So in a way, President Obama and I are a lot alike. Kind of like we're related. But not brothers, that would be racist. Gotta go, taking the kids on a hike.

Love, Donny

And of course today's entry...

Dear Diary,

Somebody stole my credit card number! Sure I didn't incur any actual losses and my credit card company caught it really quick but if it could happen to me it could happen to anybody! The internet is a scary place.

Love, Donny

The best part is that last one was actually written like a letter to the identity thief. But god Lord, you're writing for a newspaper Don, not your fucking Twitter feed. Quit using the newspaper to update your family and the rest of the world about what's going on in your life. Noone cares. At least this column was somewhat informative. Even if it did miss simple things like "Make sure your anti-virus software and firewall are up-to-date" and "take precautions to prevent keyloggers". Although, to be fair, high-tech phrases like "firewall" and "keyloggers" probably go right over the heads of the average Record reader. I can just see some 70 year old shut in attempting to set the wall behind her computer on fire to prevent those evil hackers from getting those pictures of her grandson her daughter e-mailed to her that she can't figure out how to access. At least it'd give the Fire Department another reason to say "See! You guys need us!"

And that is how you state a motherfucking opinion.

Our newest feature the Out-of-Context Line of the Week

Throughout the week while reading the Record I see quotes and sentences that, out of context are either randomly hilarious or just completly and totally wrong. So we've decided to finally start writing them down and feature the best one at the end of the week in a new feature we call:

Out-of-Context Line of the Week!

It's a catchy name, we know. We actually had this idea a few weeks ago but just now found the perfect out of context sentence to kick it off. You can probably guess what it is. We've featured the guy who typed it a lot this week. Well, more than usual. But anyway, here it is, in all it's hilarious glory....

The one thing that interest me was the hermaphrodite.
-Mike Fitzgerald (from his March 31st blog entry)

Wow, Fitzy's just cleaning up the accolades this week. Congrats!

The obvious Quick Links for April 3rd

Oh hey, it's Sexy Friday. Awesome. Although today is a sad day. Mark your calendars. Why? Because April 3rd 2009 is apparently the day obviousness died. How so? Well, let's find out in today's Quick Links!

Captian Condescending and Captian Obvious are the same person! No wonder you never see them both in the same place!

In yesterday's Quick Links we mentioned how the main advantage of bottled water wasn't it's purity, but it's convenience. So you can imagine my total lack of surprise when I opened the paper this morning and saw that Fitzy had dedicated an entire column to the fact that bottled water is basically tap water. Oh my God! So shocking!

We'd love to agree with Fitzy because bottled water is essentially repackaged tap water, but he makes his point in such a condescending manner (which is really his trademark, hence the Captain Condescending moniker) that we can't help but disagree with him. Specifically this line:

I see that University of the Pacific students are swearing off bottled water. Lunatics elsewhere are not.

Lunatics? Really? We made this point yesterday but we'll do it again. The main selling point for bottled water is NOT its purity. It's the convenience of the bottle. You don't have to worry about spilling it like with a regular cup because of the screw on cap, but when you're done with it it's disposable. Frankly, I don't want to have to carry a fucking canteen with me after I finish off its contents. It's much easier to just throw away. Does that make me a thoughtless bastard? In the minds of hippies, yeah, probably. But hey, you can usually recycle those fucking bottles anyways. So using the waste excuse for water bottles is a moot point because they're recyclable and if you really wanted to, you could refill that cheap plastic bottle just like it's more expensive canteen brother. They're the same fucking thing. Only this time the theoretical PT Barnum is laughing at all the hippie douchebags carrying around a $4 cumbersome piece of plastic.

Oh, and about that cost part. Way to pick the most expensive version of bottled water. Vending machines in general are one giant ripoff because, again, they're there for convenience! Any asshole knows that you can go into a fucking store and buy a whole case of bottled water for wayyyyy cheaper than 5 cents an ounce. Using the vending machine price is like me saying clothing is overpriced and then citing the prices at Urban Outfitters or some other weaksauce hipster store with $100 jeans instead of citing the average prices. Nice try Fitz, but your argument doesn't hold water (rimshot).

Well, that's one way to get your case dismissed

Considering the way things have been going downtown lately, I'm surprised they didn't postpone this decision because the defendant wasn't present. There isn't really much to this story but it fits our death of obviousness theme today. Plus this line might be my new favorite joke involving journalism, mostly because they had to get a spokesperson to say it. I wish I had been in the room for this:

A dead person can't be prosecuted, a court spokeswoman said.

You just know there was some meeting where an editor told the writer that they needed to get somebody credible to corroborate it while the writer presumably slammed their head against their keyboard and questioned their career choice for the 35th time that day.

Saving the best for last

Economy in a nose dive!? What the fuck!? When did this happen!? How are we just hearing about this now!? Fucking A! Somebody has to do something! Oh my God, the stock market! When were you going to get around to telling us about this shit!? Thank God there's places like the UOP Business Forecasting Center to warn people about this economic freefall before it's too late! Quick! Get Governor Scwarzenegger and Barack Obama on the phone fast! They're going to want to hear about this as soon as possible! Man, it's a good thing we caught this early or else we might be really fucked.

Kind of reminds a guy why they got in to journalism in the first place. To inform the people of what they didn't know. And to think, people say newspapers are dying. (sigh) Somebody pass me the scotch.

The actual Quick Links for April 2nd

Hey look, news! And not "Low level public official calls someone a dirty Commie news", actual news! Let's just dive right the fuck in.

Not guilty? Really?

Oh hey, Teen Slave's back in the news. Remember him? Nothing really earth shattering came out of this latest court appearance. They did add charges of child abuse in relation to Schumacher and Lau's 4 other kids. Oh, and everybody but Mike Schumacher plead not guilty (Schumacher needed time to look over the new charges). Which is funny considering Kelly Lau gave that jailhouse interview way back when this first started where she tried to pin the whole thing on the abusive non-aunt. Gotta love people from Tracy. When they bring the crazy, they fucking bring it

This just in! Bottled water is bullshit!

It's stories like these that make me fear for future generations. UOP really needs an entire awareness WEEK to tell people that bottled water isn't any more pure than tap water? Isn't that common knowledge? Bottled water is for convenience, not purity. Of course, being a college full of dirty hippies, UOP couldn't let that stand. So, if you sign a pledge they'll give you a reusable canteen so you don't damage the planet with all that wasteful plastic you throw away. Of course, really I'd probably just throw the canteen away after the first use because really it's no different than a regular water bottle, it just doesn't come prefilled with water. Leave it to dirty hippies to pass out refillable water containers to replace a water container that you can already technically refill. It's all about awareness man!

Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, but I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man...


That was a fucking intimate encounter? This is why we rarely write stuff in advance. Less than a half hour after I posted the previous post, Fitzy posted the hermaphrodite story on his blog and it was ridiculously underwhelming. We were expecting something measured that would depict s/he as relatively normal but, you know, with both parts. But instead we get a story about some crazy fucking wiccan. I'm both relieved and disappointed at the same time. The writer tried to throw in stuff about duality and shit in there but frankly, it wasn't all that fascinating. She tried to paint s/he as someone who walks like a woman and talks like a man (Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-Looooola!) but everything she says about s/he screams "insane woman" to me. They also sound suspiciously like this person. So congrats Fitzy, instead of helping out the transgendered, you just made people think they're more insane than most crazy women. At least I can stop worrying about Fitzy being too blue even for us. I also pray this is the last time I have to use the hermaphrodite tag.

This is what we get for slacking off

We were kind of busy yesterday so we were only able to throw up the Casey post. We're well aware shit happened yesterday but we just couldn't get to it. Plus I don't particularly feel like making jokes about a missing 8-year old. We like to keep it light here. Sure, we'll make fun of the Teen Slave but he was occasionally chained to a fireplace and had an escape that had varying levels of difficulty depending on which version was being reported at the time. (Oh hey, looks like it's scaling a wall again today. Must have been difficult to do while jumping from a moving car.)

Anyways, we missed some stuff so we need to play catch up. I guess this is kind of a mini-Quick Links. Although if I wake up tomorrow and nothing happened (this was mostly written late last night), then I totally reserve the right to make this the actual Quick Links. But for now, let's call it...

Here's what we missed...

Annnnnnd it's officially creepy!

Well, that didn't take long. Fitzy took what was just a simple morbid curiosity and turned it into a very wrong version of Penthouse forums. Look, we got nothing against hermaphrodites. For one, it's a birth thing. It's not like they choose to be both. Plus, let's face it, hermaphrodite is just a fun word to say. I'm having fun typing it right now. But really, and I mean no offense by this, I don't want to read about how one gets down and dirty. And I'm a curious motherfucker. I'm the one who tried to push the Nasty Fetish Final Tournament as educational (by the way, Necrobeastiality is a juggernaut). But there are some things I just don't need to know about. Granpappy Casey might think I'm a pussy for thinking so, but I don't care.

What I do care about is that it didn't get posted. If Mike Fitzgerald's blog was more disgusting than mine for two days in a row I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm pretty sure I just would have hung up my keyboard. Would you blame me? I mean I came back with a ruptured fucking hemorrhoid (another fun word to say/type, although I admittedly stole that clench-inducing anecdote from the KSK mailbag). Had he posted that story, it would be like a poker game where I bet big with a full house and he comes back with 4 of a kind. ("I see your anal bleeding, and I'll raise you shemale sex.") When that happens you stand up, shake the winner's hand, and just walk away. There's nothing more that can be done. That's what it would have been like had Fitzy outraunched me two days in a row. Fucking scary just thinking about it.

Although I have to admit "hermaphrodite bureau" did make me laugh.

Have we mentioned that David Siders is a bad ass lately?

So yeah, that City Council budget meeting thingy? David Siders showed why the internet is awesome and made that meeting his bitch. He liveblogged the shit out of it and really, I'm just in awe of the whole thing. How can anybody in newspapers say the internet isn't toally awesome after this? It's basically his notes for the resulting story. And for a guy like me with a ridculous appetite for information (But again, not about hermaphrodites), this shit is fucking gold. There's no editor to cut the little interesting parts. Like the fact that, in order to allow time to discuss alternatives, they set a soft deadline for the 30th..of April! Which is a laughable deadline considering how long it's taken us to even get this far. Of course, calling for the presentation to be to the entire council instead of the Budget and Finance committee, and then sending it down to them anyways always helps speed things up. At this rate we'll have a state budget before we have a city budget. Oh did I mention that Obama stimulus money (or as I like to call them "hope dollars") isn't going to be divided up until May or so (that is, if we are to believe News10)? And even if they pushed the soft deadline the hard deadling (June 1st) is only 30 fucking days later. Like we've been saying, this City Council has a knack for timing. Yep, we're totally fucked.

How dare you insult such a great champion...no, a great American like that

We've had our issues with Don Blount, but like all of the stuff on here it's all in good fun. But, well, he crossed a line this time. You can insult me, my family, my friends, my writing, my livelihood, but you do not insult an American hero like Joey Chestnut. The man is the very definition of a national trasure. Jaws has given up a lot to bring the Mustard Belt back to the US where it belongs. Remember when he burst onto the scene in 2005? He looked young and showed tenacious eating skills. We saw him live at the 2008 Asparagus eating competition pictured in Don's post. We were actually only about 15 feet behind that cameraman. The man had aged significantly over the previous 3 years. He's roughly our age but he looks like he's in his mid to late 30s now. Look, here's a picture of when he won the belt in a proud day for every American:


That's 2007, just 2 years ago. Now go back and look at him in 2008. He's probably shaving years off his life to show that the most patriotic motherfucker is a God damn American. No, really. Read that Wikipedia page I linked to earlier. Shit, if you're too lazy here's the important part:

According to legend, on July 4, 1916 four immigrants had a hot dog eating contest at Nathan's Famous stand on Coney Island to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic.

Joey Chestnut's not just a guy who can eat a shitload of asparagus and hot dogs. He represents America, on it's birthday no less, to prove to the rest of the world the America is better and more patriotic than they'll ever be. Even if it means he'll probably die in a way that will forever link him with Elvis and Mama Cass. If that doesn't make somebody a national treasure then what the fuck does?

God, I am so jazzed for the end of April.

Quick Links for March 31st

Oh hey, I finally stopped feeling like my head was trying to eat itself from the inside out (Note: this part was written earlier today. I don't get all day hangovers on $25 worth of drinks). I'm totally never drinking again...until tonight when the 7 jolly days of drinking continues. In honor of that, let's try and bang out some Quick Links.

Even when they time shit perfectly, the City Council has horrible timing

We almost missed this because the city announced this in the late-afternoon on a Friday in a classic newsdump, but guess what? Those cops are still probably getting laid off. Except now instead of 29, it's 45. And most of them found out after returning from the funeral for those 4 Oakland police officers. Yeah, it was a classy move.

Especially classy when you consider two things. The layoff notices were given to the lowest officers on the seniority chart, some who won't be laid off if officers with higher seniority decide to take the city's retirement buyout package thingy (its technical name by the way). So really, depending on who takes they early retirement thing, a lot of those officers won't actually be laid off. The other thing is, these were layoff notices announcing possible layoffs in June that we already fucking knew about. Sure, the addition of 16 more possible layoffs was surprising, but the last thing a guy wants to see when he just got back from a funeral is a reminder that his job is in jeopardy. It was the definition of a total dick move.

I guess we now have an idea as to how Fitzy voted in the Nasty Fetish Tourney

If I may channel Bill Simmons for a second...

There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there's this sentence from Mike Fitzgerald's blog:

The one thing that interest me was the hermaphrodite.

I don't really know what I can add to that. I swear to God I didn't make that up. That actually appeared in Fitzy's blog post about the closing of Gottschalks (wait, that was still open?). Is this some sort of joke? Like an early April Fool's Day kind of thing?

He barely even let's that sentence settle in before he assails you with the mental image of a deep-fried hermaphrodite (which was the most popular booth at the Oakdale Testicle Festivle by the way. And yes, that's real too. This is what happens when you take away the chocolate. And Yahoo deserves a Pulitzer for that headline and lead) without even so much as a warning. Again, I'm not kidding. I would make some sort of joke about how he seems way too eager to know about the sex life of a hermie but I'm just in total awe of that post. How the fuck is his blog more raunchy than mine today? That's just fucking depressing. And to think I thought his ego smothered his sense of humor in it's sleep years ago. Hey wait, what's this...

Time to rifle off a letter to the editor of National Lampoon!

Only Mike Fitzgerald would precede a deep-fried hermaphrodite joke by taking something written in the Onion too seriously. I guess this means his sense of humor really is dead. Which says all sorts of creepy things about the above item.

Ah, there's that joke I was looking for. I knew it'd show up eventually. Man, it feels good to laugh again.

Hippie fiiiiight!k

You know, we haven't checked in on Briefcase Breitler lately. Let's see what's going on over at his blog. What's this? Saturday was that lights out hour thing? And on top of that somebody counter-promoted an event just to piss all the dirty light pollution hippies off? That's fucking funny. Sure, it's not Fitzy wistfully reminiscing about his missed opportunity with a shemale funny, but it's still pretty hilarious. Of course, we're all for anything that pisses off those dirty hippies.

Happy Communist Organizer day! Now what the hell are we forgetting?

So it's the end of March and it feels like something's missing. Let's run down the monthly checklist.

Completely destroy some stupid idea Fitzy wrote about: Check

Take the city to task for horrible timing: Check and check

Point out Lori Gilbert's affinity for the elderly (Which we hear is a 3 seed in the Nasty Fetish NIT): Check (last item)

Get punched by a midget: Check

Drink: Check, check, and check.

Hmmm, it seems like something's missing. Oh wait, now I remember! It's time for...

March's Rube of the Month!

I know you're probably thinking we totally forgot about it since it's the very last day of March, but we didn't. We just saw something earlier this month that had rubian potential and had to wait for it to play out. Well, it played out like we expected and that's why March's Rube of the Month is a man we talk about quite a bit on here, Mr. Michael Fitzgerald. I'm honestly kind of surprised it took this long for him to earn the distinction. Sure, he was directly involved in last's month's ROTM, but this time he actually gets the nod himself. What can I say? He's a double threat. He's the player-coach of rubes.

So why does Fitzy deserve such a lofty distinction? It's simple really, he allowed his man crush on newish booking agent Stephen Grossman to cloud his judgement. Specifically this line:

Grossman said next week he should be able to announce two new events for the arena.

That was two weeks ago. Let me check the paper real quick...yeah big fat goose egg. Again.

Are we nitpicking? Yeah, a little bit. But when we read that our response was "Yeah, whatever. We'll believe it when we see it." But then again, we're horrible skeptics. It's a quality that's easy to develop when you've lived in Stockton as long as we have. We've had guys promise great acts and fall through before *coughRalphWhite*cough*. Thing is, Fitzy's lived here way longer than we have. He should be just as skeptical if not more. Which is really why he's this month's rube. He should know better than to trust the guy with the least enviable job in the city (well, you know, besides Gordon Palmer's).

I could call Grossman every week and he'd probably say something along the lines of "We're really really super close to booking a big act" just to get me off his ass (you know, so Fitzy can reaffix his lips). I wouldn't print anything like that because it's vague and there's really no information in there. Fitzy prints it because he wants to make his pal look good. And then when nothing happens, he looks like a fucking stooge. And that, my friends, is how Mike Fitzgerald earned his very first Rube of the Month award. It almost definitely won't be his last.

Let the countdown to somebody pointing out the event announcement that we probably totally missed begin. (Note: Vincente Fernandez doesn't count because that's a fucking gimmie)