It's not officially the start of a season until the Record trots out their events calendar on the front page of the LENS section. We'd link to it but putting it up on their website would make too much sense. Why reference things in the paper when you can just visit their bullshit online events calendar that's full of every weaksauce fundraiser and bake sale put on by the few people in this town tech-savvy enough to understand how to work it? But as usual, the edition printed in the actual paper was missing a few rather important pieces of information. I got the brain trust together and here are the 5 biggest omissions in no particular order.
1. April 8th Ports Exhibition Game vs. the Rivercats
Yes, I know the game's already on the calendar, but their missing the most important piece of information. It's a battle of the California League Champs and the AAA National Champs. AAA ball doesn't come to Stockton often, so it's kind of a big deal. So of course the Record completely ignores that angle. The only way we know about it is because we stumbled upon the Ports' Front Office blog , which is actually a pretty decent read for you Ports fans.
2. April 11th Strikeforce Shamrock vs. Diaz HP Pavillion San Jose, CA
This is Nick Diaz's first fight since the EliteXC show in Stockton and Frank Shamrock's first fight in a long time. Both are local products so it makes total sense that the Record hasn't said a fuckng word about this upcoming card. Nevermind the fact that Elk Grove's Scott Smith is also fighting that night. I thought I saw Jake Shields (local fighter number four) on the card too but now it says TBA instead of his name so I assume he's injured. But still, Stockton's own Nick Diaz vs. Lockeford's own Frank Shamrock in the main event of a Showtime fight card doesn't warrant a sentence of coverage? Is the Record's entire sports department high? They're more than willing to fellate the local hockey, arena football, indoor soccer, and minor league baseball teams but they're not willing to cover what's arguably one of the hottest, fastest growing sports in the country? Especially one featuring at least 3 fighters with local connections? Aren't newspapers supposed to eat this shit up? They even list some random fucking boxing event at Arco at the end of the month and don't even list who's fighitng. MMA isn't WWE guys, it's a real fucking sport. Fucking treat it like one.
3. May 23rd Journey Live in Concert Raley Field Sacramento, CA
Let me get this straight, Sacramento can book Journey for an outdoor show in their baseball stadium and we can't? Fuck you IFG. Also, I gotta ask, what the fuck is the Mayor's Hike and Bike event that's listed there instead? You get an opportunity to hike and ride a bike with Ann Johnston? How would you keep up? Mountain goats can walk up steeper hillsides than people can. And why would anybody pay $20 for that? I know the city's hard up for money but that's not what I had in mind when Mayor Johnston started talking about volunteerism. I'll volunteer my time, not my wallet. And if I'm going to open that sucker up, it better be for something I can't do by myself for free.
4. Fats Party Bus to A's game (Date TBD)
OK, so we're running low on events. We're bloggers so we're naturally shut-ins. But BWDW Fats usually takes a bus to an A's game that results in some debaucherous levels of drinking around this time. I'm pretty sure Ben already knows which games but I'm too lazy to call his ass. Either way, this is way better than half the stuffy, boring events listed on the calendar. Plus, Fats has way better food than Paragary's. Whoever pays $40 for that Around the World bullshit next week is a fucking dumbass.
5. June 7th WEC 41 Urijah Faber vs Mike Brown for the WEC Featherweight title Arco Arena
Major MMA event number 2 that the Record missed. Faber is a Sacramento product and considered one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in the world. No really, MMA expert and AOL Fanhouse blogger Michael David Smith just listed Brown and Faber as 9th and 10 respectively in his Top Ten Pound-for-Pound fighter post yesterday. Faber lost his Featherweight title to Brown last year after holding it for a considerable amount of time and gets his rematch in his hometown. Two of the top ten pound-for-pound fighters in the World going toe-to-toe in a rematch for the title is a huge fucking deal. I'll definitely be there pulling for the California Kid to reclaim his title. So naturally the Record has no idea about it and would rather promote a Jewish Food Festival (even Bris Isaak thinks this is ridiculous, just don't tell his mom that).
Showing posts with label top 5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label top 5. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Quick Links for St. Patrick's Day with a bonus Top 5!
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Quick Links time.
Because if there's one thing we need on TV, it's more reality shows
Hey, you know what we need? A really boring sports-related reality show. Out of the 3 major sports, which is the lowest rated? Basketball? Ok, that's not boring enough. What if we made it women's basketball? The WNBA's ratings have steadily declined every year it's been in existence. That's a perfect boring reality show! But wait, that Candace Parker might actually be the Jordan with (c-cup) tits that the WNBA has needed for years. We can't take the chance that this show could be good. What about women's college basketball? Wait, their skill level is too high. Somebody might actually be entertained. What's a level of competition that noone outside scouts and parents care about? I got it! High school women's basketball! And better yet, we'll make it a sheltered private school so the smallest percentage of Americans can identify with these girls!
Yeah, if you couldn't tell, we think this is the worstest idea ever presented of all time...ever! It's so bad that, even before he'd read it, I asked Bris for his worst idea for a reality show and his response was "Knight School" but for women's basketball. Which is sadly way too close to reality. While we understand this series is probably destined for Lifetime, if anywhere, and is in no way anywhere near our demographic (which is funny since we're basketball die hards), I still decided to get the brain trust together for a mini top 5.
Top 5 things we'd rather watch than Nationally Ranked
El Duke: I'd rather watch a full season of America's Next Top Granny Porn Star than this shit.
Bris Isaak: I'd rather watch Lori Gilbert go down on her life partner.
Slick: I'd rather watch a locally-based version of The Hills, presumably called "The Foothills".
El Duke: I'd rather watch a remake of The Godfather staring Dane Cook as Don Corleone.
Slick: I'd rather sit through an entire Jonas Brothers concert.
Although, to be fair, Bris noted he is interested in seeing how St. Mary's coach Tom Gonsalves justifies implementing a full court press when his team is up by double digits.
Talk about last second...
Buried beneath the second page of Don Blount's review of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" (isn't relationship humor hilarious? And yes, this is the return of shit Don Blount saw), is actual news. Thanks Record redesign! KRS-One is coming to Stockton....tomorrow. Yes, in a turnaround that would make E-40 jealous, the show was just announced today and takes place at 9 p.m. tomorrow. This is kind of a big deal considering The Blastmaster is one of hip hop legends and he changed the face of battle rapping as we know it. Not to mention he's one of the few socially conscious rappers left. What? Did you forget that rap can have a message? Either way, this show is going to kick ass.
Going back to the well
Lori Gilbert took a break from writing about her favorite subject to write about the state journalism last week, this week she's back inside her wheelhouse. Although this time her subject is slightly younger than her average subjects, she's only 50. Unfortunately that subject is a fucking doll. Lori reveals her painfully lonely childhood (and considering she kept them and felt the need to bring them to the newsroom, adulthood as well) of playing with dolls. It's typical boring Lori Gilbert bullshit. And I can't believe I read the whole thing.
Ok, that's it for today. I can't believe I haven't had a drink yet today. Fucking work.
Because if there's one thing we need on TV, it's more reality shows
Hey, you know what we need? A really boring sports-related reality show. Out of the 3 major sports, which is the lowest rated? Basketball? Ok, that's not boring enough. What if we made it women's basketball? The WNBA's ratings have steadily declined every year it's been in existence. That's a perfect boring reality show! But wait, that Candace Parker might actually be the Jordan with (c-cup) tits that the WNBA has needed for years. We can't take the chance that this show could be good. What about women's college basketball? Wait, their skill level is too high. Somebody might actually be entertained. What's a level of competition that noone outside scouts and parents care about? I got it! High school women's basketball! And better yet, we'll make it a sheltered private school so the smallest percentage of Americans can identify with these girls!
Yeah, if you couldn't tell, we think this is the worstest idea ever presented of all time...ever! It's so bad that, even before he'd read it, I asked Bris for his worst idea for a reality show and his response was "Knight School" but for women's basketball. Which is sadly way too close to reality. While we understand this series is probably destined for Lifetime, if anywhere, and is in no way anywhere near our demographic (which is funny since we're basketball die hards), I still decided to get the brain trust together for a mini top 5.
Top 5 things we'd rather watch than Nationally Ranked
El Duke: I'd rather watch a full season of America's Next Top Granny Porn Star than this shit.
Bris Isaak: I'd rather watch Lori Gilbert go down on her life partner.
Slick: I'd rather watch a locally-based version of The Hills, presumably called "The Foothills".
El Duke: I'd rather watch a remake of The Godfather staring Dane Cook as Don Corleone.
Slick: I'd rather sit through an entire Jonas Brothers concert.
Although, to be fair, Bris noted he is interested in seeing how St. Mary's coach Tom Gonsalves justifies implementing a full court press when his team is up by double digits.
Talk about last second...
Buried beneath the second page of Don Blount's review of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" (isn't relationship humor hilarious? And yes, this is the return of shit Don Blount saw), is actual news. Thanks Record redesign! KRS-One is coming to Stockton....tomorrow. Yes, in a turnaround that would make E-40 jealous, the show was just announced today and takes place at 9 p.m. tomorrow. This is kind of a big deal considering The Blastmaster is one of hip hop legends and he changed the face of battle rapping as we know it. Not to mention he's one of the few socially conscious rappers left. What? Did you forget that rap can have a message? Either way, this show is going to kick ass.
Going back to the well
Lori Gilbert took a break from writing about her favorite subject to write about the state journalism last week, this week she's back inside her wheelhouse. Although this time her subject is slightly younger than her average subjects, she's only 50. Unfortunately that subject is a fucking doll. Lori reveals her painfully lonely childhood (and considering she kept them and felt the need to bring them to the newsroom, adulthood as well) of playing with dolls. It's typical boring Lori Gilbert bullshit. And I can't believe I read the whole thing.
Ok, that's it for today. I can't believe I haven't had a drink yet today. Fucking work.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Top 5 pieces of advice for a drunken Thanksgiving Eve
With tomorrow being Thanksgiving we kicked around some ideas to help local residents out with the holiday season. Considering we're a collection of guys in their mid-twenties, cooking tips are pretty much out of the question. As are decorating tips, although I hear Bris Isaak has some interesting ideas for centerpieces. But there is one thing we can dole out advice on. You guessed it, drinking.
Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.
Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.
Tip #1 Arrive early
Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.
Tip #2 Don't drive
While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.
There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.
There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.
And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.
Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up
Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.
We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.
Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex
While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.
Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?
Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.
Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing
Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.
Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.
Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.
Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.
Tip #1 Arrive early
Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.
Tip #2 Don't drive
While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.
There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.
There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.
And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.
Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up
Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.
We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.
Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex
While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.
Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?
Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.
Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing
Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.
Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch
When we heard the news that cartoonist Berkeley Breathed was retiring (again), and ending his comic Opus, we were kind of sad. Sad because Opus was one of the few actually funny comics out there, and kind of because the Record stopped printing it a while ago. Too political apparently. Pussies. Also kind of because we don't really read comics that much anymore. The Record's comics page has always sucked. Which is surprising considering they do surveys periodically and actually seem to make changes based on our input. They must have lost our survey card. They also ignore common sense. Like the last survey they did resulting in, if memory serves correct (have to go by memory, there's no link to those stats. Or at least I pray to God there isn't), "Zits" being one of the higher rated comics. Yet they neglect to include it in the Sunday comics. "Get Fuzzy" is also one of the better comics that's featured in the Mon-Sat editions, but omitted from Sunday. Yet, for some unknown reason, they continue to print "Cathy" every Sunday. And "Classic Peanuts". That shit wasn't funny the first time around. If that's a classic then where the hell is the classic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Prince fucking Valiant? What the fuck is that shit?
So without further blabbering, here's the...
1. "Watch Your Head"
We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?
2." F-Minus"
Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?
3. "Family Circus"
Where's the fucking joke?
I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.
4. "Mutts"
Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).
5. "Dennis the Menace"
A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.
Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.
So without further blabbering, here's the...
Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch
1. "Watch Your Head"
We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?
2." F-Minus"
Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?
3. "Family Circus"
Where's the fucking joke?
I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.
4. "Mutts"
Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).
5. "Dennis the Menace"
A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.
Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Top 5 Downtown events that need to happen
If there's one thing that's stalled the revitalization of downtown, it has to be the complete dogshit event booking that's gone on. In the few years that the Arena has been open, there's been exactly one event that they've had that made any of us go "Oh shit! I have to go to that!" (the EliteXC fights).
To be fair we never thought the Arena was a good idea. We're too close in proximity to not one, not two, but 4 major cities with better venues. Who in their right mind would skip over San Jose, SF, or Oakland to come to little ol' Stockton? Just Gwen Stefani apparently.
Besides the Hollaback girl, we've been treated to a cornucopia of county fair-level talent (and we're including Hannah Montana in that category). Part of the problem, as we've stated before, is the piss poor job done advertising events that come downtown. It sends the message to promoters considering Stockton that we won't help at all. And when we do help, it's to the wrong people and done the wrong way. $75,000 of taxpayer money and what did we get? A shitload of now embarassing billboards. (Please tell us that those "postponed" signs aren't going to be up until the Rodeo allegedly happens next year.)
Advertising problems aside, the main problem is fairly obvious. Events we want to see aren't coming to Stockton. IFG's job is to attract promoters to Stockton, they're not doing their job. The problem is, they're not looking in the right places. We may not be big time promoters, but even we can think up 5 events that should not only be easily bookable, but they'll actually sell tickets. That's right, Top 5 downtown events that need to happen. (Note: We did next to zero research on this list, so feel free to tell us if we're wrong or if they've already attempted these things.) Let's do the damn thing.
Play a Thunder game outdoors at Banner Island Ballpark
We'd worry a bit about ice refridgeration issues outside, but the Arena's track record with that hasn't exactly been sterling so we can look past it. The NHL's attempts at outdoor hockey were regarded as successes, so why can't we do it? We're not the biggest hockey fans, but outdoor hockey intrigues us. We can only assume other casual fans might give it a shot too. Great way to advertise the city and garner some interest in a team that, let's face it, isn't very interesting.
Bring back the HS state wrestling tournament
Alright, as former high school wrestlers we'll admit we're a little biased with this one. But Stockton clearly misses the boost the economy got when the best wrestlers from all over the state came to Stockton for a few days. The tournament left for Bakersfield when it outgrew the Spanos Center. Now we have a bigger venue and a convienently located hotel to house them, it's time to try and lure them back. IFG, we're looking at you. Speaking of tournaments...
Collaborate with UOP for a college basketball tournament at the Arena
When we had the initial idea for this list a while ago, one of the ideas tossed around was bringing the Kings back to Stockton. Since that's already happened, this seems like a great alternative. Like the state tournament, bringing in a bunch of college basketball players from all over the country would boost the economy and get people going downtown. All it takes is one decent sized team to anchor the thing as the attraction school (Gonzaga anybody?) and people should come out to see a big time program that we really never get during UOP's regular season. Depending on pricing, a few full days of college basketball at the arena would be a steal. Plus, holding it at the Arena means you can (gasp) drink at a fucking basketball game like God intended.
Book events at the Fox/Bob Hope that people under the age of 40 (but over the age of 15) want to see
The booking of the Bob Hope Theatre has always been fucking horrible. The last time we went there was for the Too Short/Chingy concert a few years back. Chingy was allegedly the headliner, but more than half the audience left after Too Short's set. It was a classic example of how little promoters "get" us. If there's one complaint we have about the booking of any event downtown, it's that there's next to nothing geared towards the college-aged resident. Which is funny since there's 2 fucking colleges in town. And if there's one thing college kids cum all over themselves for, it's indie bands that don't get much mainstream radio play. These are the bands that would actually consider playing a show in Stockon because they're in SF for another show anyways.
Plus, they're cheap. You're trying to tell us you can't afford to bring a band like Cursive or Modest Mouse to Stockton? Bullshit. The people in charge of luring acts have just never heard of them because they haven't been kids since dinosaurs were used as kitchen appliances. Try asking that Middagh guy for help. We hear he knows a few bands and how to lure them to Stockton.
Beerfest
Come on, you had to see this one coming. We're not talking about a secretive beer olympics like the movie of the same name (although that would be a great idea, and we'd win), we want a beer convention. We've stated time and time again that the only thing to do in this town is drink, so why not get together once a year and do so? If the St. Patrick's Day party that Bradley's throws is any indication, it should be fairly popular. But those guys are thinking small scale. We suggest talking with the area's various mircrobreweries (Lodi Beer Co, Valley Brew, BJs (to some extent) and put on a full scale convention.
Also, if we were in charge, we wouldn't allow any wine. All those old white fucks talking about the difference between two types of $12 supermarket wine just get in the way of our good time. If there's going to be any sort of snobbery there, it's going to be... "What's the alcohol content of your beer?" "I'm drinking a Budweiser." "You fucking pussy, try this Indian Pale Ale. It's at 15%, that'll put hair on your momma's nutsack!"
We kid of course. If history's proven anything it's that even though there would be numerous quality beers at this hypothetical event, everybody would be sipping on lukewarm Coronas like pussies. But hey, book pretty much any bar band and put up a bunch of booths and banners and you got a halfway decent event on your hands.
Of course none of these events will probably happen because they make too much sense. Dealing with Stockton promoters and businesses that know the area and don't look like dickholes in cowboy hats? Horrible idea.
To be fair we never thought the Arena was a good idea. We're too close in proximity to not one, not two, but 4 major cities with better venues. Who in their right mind would skip over San Jose, SF, or Oakland to come to little ol' Stockton? Just Gwen Stefani apparently.
Besides the Hollaback girl, we've been treated to a cornucopia of county fair-level talent (and we're including Hannah Montana in that category). Part of the problem, as we've stated before, is the piss poor job done advertising events that come downtown. It sends the message to promoters considering Stockton that we won't help at all. And when we do help, it's to the wrong people and done the wrong way. $75,000 of taxpayer money and what did we get? A shitload of now embarassing billboards. (Please tell us that those "postponed" signs aren't going to be up until the Rodeo allegedly happens next year.)
Advertising problems aside, the main problem is fairly obvious. Events we want to see aren't coming to Stockton. IFG's job is to attract promoters to Stockton, they're not doing their job. The problem is, they're not looking in the right places. We may not be big time promoters, but even we can think up 5 events that should not only be easily bookable, but they'll actually sell tickets. That's right, Top 5 downtown events that need to happen. (Note: We did next to zero research on this list, so feel free to tell us if we're wrong or if they've already attempted these things.) Let's do the damn thing.
Play a Thunder game outdoors at Banner Island Ballpark
We'd worry a bit about ice refridgeration issues outside, but the Arena's track record with that hasn't exactly been sterling so we can look past it. The NHL's attempts at outdoor hockey were regarded as successes, so why can't we do it? We're not the biggest hockey fans, but outdoor hockey intrigues us. We can only assume other casual fans might give it a shot too. Great way to advertise the city and garner some interest in a team that, let's face it, isn't very interesting.
Bring back the HS state wrestling tournament
Alright, as former high school wrestlers we'll admit we're a little biased with this one. But Stockton clearly misses the boost the economy got when the best wrestlers from all over the state came to Stockton for a few days. The tournament left for Bakersfield when it outgrew the Spanos Center. Now we have a bigger venue and a convienently located hotel to house them, it's time to try and lure them back. IFG, we're looking at you. Speaking of tournaments...
Collaborate with UOP for a college basketball tournament at the Arena
When we had the initial idea for this list a while ago, one of the ideas tossed around was bringing the Kings back to Stockton. Since that's already happened, this seems like a great alternative. Like the state tournament, bringing in a bunch of college basketball players from all over the country would boost the economy and get people going downtown. All it takes is one decent sized team to anchor the thing as the attraction school (Gonzaga anybody?) and people should come out to see a big time program that we really never get during UOP's regular season. Depending on pricing, a few full days of college basketball at the arena would be a steal. Plus, holding it at the Arena means you can (gasp) drink at a fucking basketball game like God intended.
Book events at the Fox/Bob Hope that people under the age of 40 (but over the age of 15) want to see
The booking of the Bob Hope Theatre has always been fucking horrible. The last time we went there was for the Too Short/Chingy concert a few years back. Chingy was allegedly the headliner, but more than half the audience left after Too Short's set. It was a classic example of how little promoters "get" us. If there's one complaint we have about the booking of any event downtown, it's that there's next to nothing geared towards the college-aged resident. Which is funny since there's 2 fucking colleges in town. And if there's one thing college kids cum all over themselves for, it's indie bands that don't get much mainstream radio play. These are the bands that would actually consider playing a show in Stockon because they're in SF for another show anyways.
Plus, they're cheap. You're trying to tell us you can't afford to bring a band like Cursive or Modest Mouse to Stockton? Bullshit. The people in charge of luring acts have just never heard of them because they haven't been kids since dinosaurs were used as kitchen appliances. Try asking that Middagh guy for help. We hear he knows a few bands and how to lure them to Stockton.
Beerfest
Come on, you had to see this one coming. We're not talking about a secretive beer olympics like the movie of the same name (although that would be a great idea, and we'd win), we want a beer convention. We've stated time and time again that the only thing to do in this town is drink, so why not get together once a year and do so? If the St. Patrick's Day party that Bradley's throws is any indication, it should be fairly popular. But those guys are thinking small scale. We suggest talking with the area's various mircrobreweries (Lodi Beer Co, Valley Brew, BJs (to some extent) and put on a full scale convention.
Also, if we were in charge, we wouldn't allow any wine. All those old white fucks talking about the difference between two types of $12 supermarket wine just get in the way of our good time. If there's going to be any sort of snobbery there, it's going to be... "What's the alcohol content of your beer?" "I'm drinking a Budweiser." "You fucking pussy, try this Indian Pale Ale. It's at 15%, that'll put hair on your momma's nutsack!"
We kid of course. If history's proven anything it's that even though there would be numerous quality beers at this hypothetical event, everybody would be sipping on lukewarm Coronas like pussies. But hey, book pretty much any bar band and put up a bunch of booths and banners and you got a halfway decent event on your hands.
Of course none of these events will probably happen because they make too much sense. Dealing with Stockton promoters and businesses that know the area and don't look like dickholes in cowboy hats? Horrible idea.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Top 5 things recordnet.com needs to do to actually be eligible for an award
First of all, please join in in welcoming Bris Isaak into the fold finally. We're expecting his second post in approximately 4 months.
When Duké told me Recordnet.com had won an award I thought he misspoke and was actually talking about 209Vibe.com, which is an outstanding site. Then he showed my the half page ad they took out to blow themselves over it and I still can't believe it. Something's fishy. Why? Because as we've stated time and time again, Recordnet.com sucks a bag of dicks. But instead of focusing on the negative like we tend to do, we got the brain trust together and came up with 5 basic things Recordnet needs to do to actually be mentioned anywhere near the word "award". Unless it's an award for frustrating unnavigability. (Yes, this list is still painfully negative, but at least it's constructive criticism this time)
1. Linkback to relevant stories
This has to be one of the most frustrating things they do that's easily fixable. Let's use the recent Stockton Rodeo debacle as an example. Here's the Record's story about the Rodeo being called off/postponed/whatever the fuck they're doing. Now, if you happened to miss the Record's story about the Rodeo coming to Stockton (like Duké did) or perhaps saw the word "Rodeo" and skipped the story completly (like I did), then when you saw the story about it's cancellation your reaction was probably similar to ours. "What fucking rodeo?" The story on the Record's website doesn't linkback to the original story about the Rodeo so you have no idea how some hick duped the city council into giving him $75,000. (Hint: Bring a cowboy hat)
2. Have the search engine organize results in a way that makes sense
So since Recordnet doesn't post a link to the story a followup story is actually following up, your next option is using their search feature. For a story about the Stockton Rodeo it would make sense to just type in the words "Stockton" and "Rodeo". Here's what you get when you do. The first page is all links to the rodeo being called off. Three of those stories have nothing to do about the rodeo. They just happened to contain the link to the story about it's cancellation, so putting quotations around the words "Stockton Rodeo" to narrow the search down to just stories that contain the phrase Stockton Rodeo together won't work.
3. Quit telling us to read about a breaking story in the paper tomorrow
When the rodeo cancellation broke, I found out about it through 209Vibe's Twitter. Ian Hill had an entire story up on the 209Vibe.com. What did the Record have? They told us to come back tomorrow. What's the point of even having a website if you're not going to break already broken news? The reason print journalism is going the way of the dinosaur is for reasons like this. People want their news and they want it fucking now. Telling someone to read about it in the paper on your website is a dickish move to begin with, but at least we understand the reason is that The Record is clearly still dedicated to the pulpy version of news than the current generation of journalism. But if you're going to then post David Siders' story on the website when Ian Hill had already written it a day earlier, that's just spitting in the face of a guy who alrady broke a semi-important story. (We're still debating whether or not anybody should be crestfallen that we'll be denied a rodeo in 08.) And putting that Hill contributed to the story at the end doesn't make up for the fact that Recordnet.com refused to give him his daps.
4. Put your news stories in some discernible order
Let's get away from the rodeo now and focus on something Duké mentioned earlier. (See, a linkback, html isn't that hard. Promise.) He wrote about the story that was on the front page of the Record about the prison guard union trying to recall Gov. Schwarzenegger. Considering our proximity to the state capitol and the amount of time the average Stocktonian spends around prison guards, you'd think this would be a fairly important story. Too bad you'd only read about it if you got the print version of the Record. The story was nowhere in the Recordnet news section. You will however see the stories about the 1-5 crash and Stockton PD blowing up a dufflebag full of clothes (way to earn that raise guys) listed twice! I assumed it was because they only listed stories they wrote and left the AP stuff to the AP. But then I saw not one, not two, but eight AP stories in that same list. The most locally relevant of which was about the morgatge crisis. Go figure. Alright, let's round out this list.
5. User driven content!
This is the most frustrating out of any of the things on this list, it's just not as easily fixable as the first item on the list. It's also one of the simplest ideas of all time. People want to give their opinion on shit to other people. (Hey, I wonder if that'd make for a good website...) The reader feedback used to be a decent feature because it appeared on the same page as the story, made it kind of easy if you needed to reference something in the story. They moved them to the forums probably because most of the time the reader reaction at the bottom of the story was negative towards the Record (Which is actually how I got the idea for this place). Past the forums though, there's no real reader driven content. You can submit photos for them to put up, but you'll only see them if they fit into one of the categories. Look at the rest of the Reader Interaction Homepage. You don't interact worth a shit, it's just their fancy word for "internety" stuff. You can read a bunch of blogs that are updated once every equinox. You can suggest a poll? Buy a photo? Is that really interacting? Buying a photo from the record is interacting like buying a cheeseburger from McDonald's is "interacting" with Ronald McDonald. And it's not like Stocktonians don't want to contribute. 209Vibe thrives off of user contributions and they're run by the Record! (Note: We don't include 209Vibe.com as part of the recordnet.com site's user driven content because for all intents and purposes, it's about as separate from the Record as we are. The only difference is Ian Hill also works for the Record from time to time) In non-San Joaquin Media Group sites, Stockton's creative side still comes bursting out. You ever type Stockton into YouTube? Here, we did it for you. You're saying that can't easily be put into a YouTube channel and put on the Recordnet's website? Hell, I think we might have just done that here with that fucking link.
Now, that isn't all that's wrong with recordnet.com. (#6 would have been "Fire Lori Gilbert", but that's not really the website's domain.) I'm sure if we tried we could find a lot more, but we're starting to feel like we're picking on their webmaster. We don't want to, but we're the audience you're trying to reach, information junkies who get their news mainly on the internet. When print finally dies, all you're going to have is that website. And when it comes to that we want it to be good. Same reason we criticize the paper version of the Record, we just want it to be good.
When Duké told me Recordnet.com had won an award I thought he misspoke and was actually talking about 209Vibe.com, which is an outstanding site. Then he showed my the half page ad they took out to blow themselves over it and I still can't believe it. Something's fishy. Why? Because as we've stated time and time again, Recordnet.com sucks a bag of dicks. But instead of focusing on the negative like we tend to do, we got the brain trust together and came up with 5 basic things Recordnet needs to do to actually be mentioned anywhere near the word "award". Unless it's an award for frustrating unnavigability. (Yes, this list is still painfully negative, but at least it's constructive criticism this time)
1. Linkback to relevant stories
This has to be one of the most frustrating things they do that's easily fixable. Let's use the recent Stockton Rodeo debacle as an example. Here's the Record's story about the Rodeo being called off/postponed/whatever the fuck they're doing. Now, if you happened to miss the Record's story about the Rodeo coming to Stockton (like Duké did) or perhaps saw the word "Rodeo" and skipped the story completly (like I did), then when you saw the story about it's cancellation your reaction was probably similar to ours. "What fucking rodeo?" The story on the Record's website doesn't linkback to the original story about the Rodeo so you have no idea how some hick duped the city council into giving him $75,000. (Hint: Bring a cowboy hat)
2. Have the search engine organize results in a way that makes sense
So since Recordnet doesn't post a link to the story a followup story is actually following up, your next option is using their search feature. For a story about the Stockton Rodeo it would make sense to just type in the words "Stockton" and "Rodeo". Here's what you get when you do. The first page is all links to the rodeo being called off. Three of those stories have nothing to do about the rodeo. They just happened to contain the link to the story about it's cancellation, so putting quotations around the words "Stockton Rodeo" to narrow the search down to just stories that contain the phrase Stockton Rodeo together won't work.
3. Quit telling us to read about a breaking story in the paper tomorrow
When the rodeo cancellation broke, I found out about it through 209Vibe's Twitter. Ian Hill had an entire story up on the 209Vibe.com. What did the Record have? They told us to come back tomorrow. What's the point of even having a website if you're not going to break already broken news? The reason print journalism is going the way of the dinosaur is for reasons like this. People want their news and they want it fucking now. Telling someone to read about it in the paper on your website is a dickish move to begin with, but at least we understand the reason is that The Record is clearly still dedicated to the pulpy version of news than the current generation of journalism. But if you're going to then post David Siders' story on the website when Ian Hill had already written it a day earlier, that's just spitting in the face of a guy who alrady broke a semi-important story. (We're still debating whether or not anybody should be crestfallen that we'll be denied a rodeo in 08.) And putting that Hill contributed to the story at the end doesn't make up for the fact that Recordnet.com refused to give him his daps.
4. Put your news stories in some discernible order
Let's get away from the rodeo now and focus on something Duké mentioned earlier. (See, a linkback, html isn't that hard. Promise.) He wrote about the story that was on the front page of the Record about the prison guard union trying to recall Gov. Schwarzenegger. Considering our proximity to the state capitol and the amount of time the average Stocktonian spends around prison guards, you'd think this would be a fairly important story. Too bad you'd only read about it if you got the print version of the Record. The story was nowhere in the Recordnet news section. You will however see the stories about the 1-5 crash and Stockton PD blowing up a dufflebag full of clothes (way to earn that raise guys) listed twice! I assumed it was because they only listed stories they wrote and left the AP stuff to the AP. But then I saw not one, not two, but eight AP stories in that same list. The most locally relevant of which was about the morgatge crisis. Go figure. Alright, let's round out this list.
5. User driven content!
This is the most frustrating out of any of the things on this list, it's just not as easily fixable as the first item on the list. It's also one of the simplest ideas of all time. People want to give their opinion on shit to other people. (Hey, I wonder if that'd make for a good website...) The reader feedback used to be a decent feature because it appeared on the same page as the story, made it kind of easy if you needed to reference something in the story. They moved them to the forums probably because most of the time the reader reaction at the bottom of the story was negative towards the Record (Which is actually how I got the idea for this place). Past the forums though, there's no real reader driven content. You can submit photos for them to put up, but you'll only see them if they fit into one of the categories. Look at the rest of the Reader Interaction Homepage. You don't interact worth a shit, it's just their fancy word for "internety" stuff. You can read a bunch of blogs that are updated once every equinox. You can suggest a poll? Buy a photo? Is that really interacting? Buying a photo from the record is interacting like buying a cheeseburger from McDonald's is "interacting" with Ronald McDonald. And it's not like Stocktonians don't want to contribute. 209Vibe thrives off of user contributions and they're run by the Record! (Note: We don't include 209Vibe.com as part of the recordnet.com site's user driven content because for all intents and purposes, it's about as separate from the Record as we are. The only difference is Ian Hill also works for the Record from time to time) In non-San Joaquin Media Group sites, Stockton's creative side still comes bursting out. You ever type Stockton into YouTube? Here, we did it for you. You're saying that can't easily be put into a YouTube channel and put on the Recordnet's website? Hell, I think we might have just done that here with that fucking link.
Now, that isn't all that's wrong with recordnet.com. (#6 would have been "Fire Lori Gilbert", but that's not really the website's domain.) I'm sure if we tried we could find a lot more, but we're starting to feel like we're picking on their webmaster. We don't want to, but we're the audience you're trying to reach, information junkies who get their news mainly on the internet. When print finally dies, all you're going to have is that website. And when it comes to that we want it to be good. Same reason we criticize the paper version of the Record, we just want it to be good.
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