Ole!

The Stockton School Board once again pitches a winner.  Because, of course, when it comes to school boards and children's education, what matters is a $650 a month car and racism.  

My obvious question is why?  What makes the school board so enticing that the director of the Stockton Boys and Girls club was on the board?  And gave him enough motivation to pay for a re-count?

I think the major story here is how everyone is in it for themselves, instead of making the best choices for a school.  Oh wait, schools are meant for education?  I was unaware of that.

This education battle has got to stop.  Amato, Bill Ross, Dan Castillo, Sal Ramirez, Jose Morales, Colleen Boardman, Beverly Fitch McCarthy and Gloria Allen, please do listen.  Racist or not, muck raking or not, constant in-fighting or not, I think race is the least of the issues.  I think the biggest issue is that the school board and Super are rapists.  

Yes, I just said you all have decided to take the well being and education of the local children and destroy their hopes and dreams Deliverance  style.    

Especially now, Mexican, white, black, asian, Punjabi, there are bigger issues to take into account.  If special election budget issues don't get passed, there is a possibility you will have to lay off more teachers, more janitors and more support staff.  Of course, as people lose their jobs, its nice for them to know that the Super is still driving an $80k car.  Because while everyone is tightening belts, Stockton overall has no clue how to do it.  

You pull the race card when you have nothing to stand on.  If you represent the districts you stand for, you will realize Stockton is one of the most diverse cities around.  If you want it, Stockton's got it.  And even though Don Blount believes that Stockton is littered with KKK activists, its not.  

What should be on school board agenda:  improve education for students, pay teachers, offer and create programs that enhance students education.

What is on the school boards agenda:  $650 a month SUV, racism, and an incompetent board president.  

Look, when you don't do your job, the public has a tendency to let you know. Yes, even Stocktonians managed to realize the last board was full of shit and got rid of people, so using this as a chance to jump up and further whatever the hell you are doing might not work too well.

Look rapists, put the kids first.  As your sitting there, making a decision, sit there and think, how does this benefit the kids?  If you cant think of how, then drop it and move on.  

Only Fitzy Can Miss the Point so Badly to Make us Argue Against Marijuana Legalization

Since pushing for the legalization of the demon weed last week Mike Fitzgerald's blog has apparently turned into his own version of "High Times". I guess when Schwarzenegger said now was the time to debate its legalization Fitzy decided that debate would happen on his blog. Which is both very pro-active and very un-stoner like of him.

One post in particular stood out, naturally it's the one where Fitzy puts his ignorance on full display.

A reader e-mailed him coming out against legalization, not because he's a party pooper, but because the man would totally keep the quality of that shit down through their regulations and stuff man! And while that's an interesting concept about one possible outcome of ending the reefer madness (even though I think, if anything, quality would probably increase because it's not like the government would grow it themselves), Fitzy's firm in his belief that quality Mary Jane is an acceptable sacrifice to stop the Mexican Tony Soprano (a term I wish I was making up).

So, because we can, here's the flaws in Fitzy's rebuttal. For one, this is Cali-motherfucking-fornia. And on top of that, it's Northern California. I don't know where or when Fitzy bought his last sack, but nobody smokes that shitty, Mexican dirt weed here. Nobody's smoked that shit since like the 70s. All the grass floating around here is from the Bay Area/Mendocino County, where, as the reader states, they got their shit down. Those "narco-states" that Fitzy finds so menacing realized long ago that they can't compete with the hippies and have moved onto, you know, actual narcotics (hence the term "narco-state").

It's actually kind of funny that Fitz invokes the name of Tony Soprano (mostly because combined with the Godfather and Scarface, that seems to be all he knows about the mafia lifestyle, so it must apply to the Mexicans too, right?), because if he just watched that show a little bit closely he'd see where the real problem(s) with his entire theory lies. For one, the big drug problem isn't pot, it's pretty much everything else harder than pot. Meth, Coke, Heroin, all over the fucking place. How he didn't realize this while talking to those homeless people I'll never know. When homeslice said that most homeless people were just looking for their next high, he sure as shit wasn't talking about some Medocino Greeno.

But let's imagine for a second that the big illegal drug trafficking racket was pot. Would legalizing it stop that at all? Just because it's legal doesn't mean people still won't try and sell it tax-free illegally. You can buy bootleg DVDs at the flea market for fuck's sake. Legalizing something is not a deterrent for illicit sales, if anything they'd benefit because without having to give their slice to the government, they'd have cheaper prices than in the stores. So not only would it not stop these theoretical pot cartels, but the government would still have to crack down on the illegal sales of bootleg weed. So the theory that legalization would save millions on enforcement is short sighted at best.

But let's pretend (yes, pretending within imagining. Just roll with it), that somehow these cartels can't take the heat from the legal competition and give up selling the reefer. Guess what? They're not going away. No, they spent too much time networking and setting up a system and paying guys to go to America and set up the operation. There's too much money invested to pack it up and go home, so they start selling the harder, illegal drugs (you know, the one's they're actually selling in the real world right now).

So even if we did live in Mike Fitzgerald's mythical wonderland where the Tijuana Cartel (which is a fucking ridiculous name, they're the Arellano-Felix Organization and they're fucking everywhere, not just TJ.) is just hucking pot and killing anybody who stands in their way, his solution just ends up where we are now, with the pushers pushing harder drugs.

Look, we're all for the legalization of pot and we're all for the getting the debate started (obviously since we're engaging the debate), but like we said last week the reason all those prohibitionists are so willing to dismiss Fitzy's arguments for legalization is because he's presenting flawed, weak arguments. Legalizing pot isn't going to neuter organized crime just like the end of alcohol prohibition didn't. They're a business with a sophisticated network, they'll just do what other businesses do when someone eats of their market share. They'll adapt and find new markets to dominate. If they just went away, well then they wouldn't be the tough, scary sons of bitches Mike Fitzgerald says they are.

Quick Links for May 8th

*Looks at calendar* Let's see, it's...Oh fuck yes it's Sexy Friday! Let's end this Wally-forsaken week and see if we can't do better next week. But until then, Quick Links!

Legalize it!

It's only fitting that this week ends with me agreeing with Fitzy, who put away his elitist "eat at that fucking restaurant I like you bitter fucking fucks!" sword today and busted out his dirty hippie sword (that's still slightly elitist). He says let us smoke in peace! And I couldn't agree with him more. While I have absolutely no faith that pot's going to legalized and taxed even though it makes boatloads of sense.

Of course, we have to point out some flaws in his argument, even if it pains us to do so. For one, saying the devil's lawn clippings is "unequivocally" safe isn't exactly true. Sure, it's never been proven to be chemically addictive, it's sure a shit mentally addictive. Of course, that doesn't make it wrong, mental addiction isn't really something easily scientifically measured since everybody's different. Some people can handle the awesome calming factor of hippie lettuce and still function without it. Others light that shit, smoke that shit, and pass that shit and then realize that it's ridiculously fucking awesome and want to be like that all the time. It's not something Mary Jane can control. Anything in the wrong hands can be a bad thing, but to totally dismiss that and act like the big green is no more dangerous than a chocolate Easter Bunny is really one of the few things still pissing prohibitionists off enough to keep their fight going.

That's the real problem I have with this column, in typical Fitzy condescending fashion he treats the prohibitionists like morons for not bowing to his wealth of statistical knowledge. If you're truly going to have a persuasive argument you have to understand the other side of the argument. Prohibitionists aren't arguing from the logical, scientific point of view. They're coming from a very emotional angle because a lot of the time prohibitionists are conservatives with ties to religion. Weed's wrong because Jesus says it's wrong. To use stats to point out all the reasons they're wrong is basically saying Jesus is wrong. You ever tell a deeply religious person Jesus is wrong? It's not pretty.

And that's why Fitzy's argument sucks, he's using a rational argument with irrational people. His whole argument is useless because he's not changing their minds. And even if he could, doing so by basically calling them fucking stupid is, well, really fucking stupid.

Really? It took this long to get this interview?

The Cantu coverage has thankfully subsided since the gag order was put in place. We've spent our fair share of time speaking out against the ridiculous amount of coverage the Record gave the story but this story about Jose Franco, the man who discovered the suitcase containing Cantu, is an interesting read. We really don't have much to say about it, just really passing it along. It's a pretty well done story about a guy dealing with realizing his biggest fear. I can't imagine what goes through that guy's head when he can't sleep at night.

And finally, a long overdue link

If you haven't checked out Ian Hill's blog, appropriately titled Ian Hill Media, you really should. It's an interesting look at the constantly changing state of journalism as the internet finds new ways to get news and information out there for free, thus killing newspapers dead. Plus we get to watch as Ian learns new skills for his job as web content producer for recordnet.com. Yup, today is "interesting" day. Fucking slow news days/weeks.

I heard a rumor that El Duke make poke his ugly mug in here today in light of Rick Pitino claiming he wants the Kings coaching. So that should be pretty good if it actually happens. If not, have a good weekend, happy Sexy Friday. Let the drinking commence.

Why that last post is horribly, embarassingly inaccurate.

Fuck. I haven't been writing these posts under the best of conditions
lately and it finally came back to bite me in the ass. I won't get into
details as to why these mistakes happened, what matters is that they
happened and I have to own up to them. So here goes.

For one, I misidentified the writer and claimed that the mayor of fucking Oakland wrote it. Yes, I don't know who the mayor of Oakland is, well, now I do, but still, that was inexfuckingscuable and I apologize for it. The real writer was V Smoothe and the post should reflect that now. Again, apologies to Smoothe and you guys. I should know better.

Second, the thought I had at the end of the post that maybe the reporting of planned layoffs was simpler than issuing layoff notices was correct. If I had just read the entire guide that, you know, I fucking linked to I would have known that. I should have read it all the way through but it was fucking ridiculously long and I didn't have the time to do so. I know that's not a good excuse but it's the truth. I was bad journalism and I feel like a dumb fuck. If I had just held off posting until I read it all I would have seen this part:

"Furthermore, agencies awarded will be required to maintain documentation that demonstrates that the scheduled lay-offs are occurring for local economic reasons unrelated to the availability of CHRP grant funds; such documentation may include local council meeting minutes, memoranda, notices, or orders discussing the lay-offs, budget documents ordering jurisdiction-wide budget cuts, and/or notices provided to the individual officers regarding the lay-offs."

And considering I know about the 90 layoffs that would happen if we didn't get the CHRP grant funds that means it was reported in one of those ways. So Gordon Palmer isn't the jackass referred to in the last post it was me, twice. So apologies to him and again to you, the reader, for me being a dumbass. Please don't hold it against me. I'll go back to making dick jokes tomorrow. Promise.

COPS Hiring Program Explained in Terms even Gordon Palmer can Understand

Ok, let's get this out of the way before I get to today's post. Yesterday I said talking about the underfunded courthouse security when a new courthouse was on deck was kind of stupid. Roughly 4 hours after that was posted, this happened. So yeah, they could probably use that money and I'm a jackass. Luckily this is Stockton so there's a lot of jackassery going around. Let's take a look at some of that jackassery, shall we?

I stumbled upon Oakland blog A Better Oakland this morning and I did so just in time apparently as V Smoothe breaks down the requirements for the COPS Hiring Recovery Program that our own city is relying on to balance the budget. It's a highly suggested read considering Oakland's facing a lot of the same problems we are.

In addition to that, it only takes about 2 minutes to realize that the Department of Justice was right, assuming that money is coming our way is a horrible fucking idea. Gordon Palmer dismissed that accusation as political posturing, saying "Of course they're going to say that. ... Until they grant the money, they aren't going to tell any city, 'You're going to get the money.'" And then he went ahead and said "If I were in their shoes, I'd probably say the same thing."

Well, here's the thing Mr. Palmer, if we want to get the money, the guy in your shoes (aka YOU) has to also be saying the same thing. Let me explain:

According to the grant application guide (and this is in the Better Oakland post, I'm just rehashing it for you here) there are three ways, and only three ways, we can use the grant money. We can hire new cops to fill positions vacated by laid off cops, re-hire laid off cops, or retain cops that were scheduled to be laid off.

That last one is where we run into a little bit of trouble. As of today, the city has only sent layoff notices to 55 cops. Those cops are expected to be laid off according to the budget Palmer wants to adopt that relies on receiving at least half of the COPS money we applied for, barring some sort of last minute concessions by the SPOA (ha!). See the problem yet?

The grant money only applies to cops laid off or scheduled to be laid off (and hiring new cops, but try and get that past the union) at the time of grant application (which was April 14th). So assuming the grant money is there and planning layoffs accordingly can't work because we're supposed to act like we won't get that money (even though we totally qualify for and should get it). If we don't get that money we're expected to layoff upwards of 90 police officers. In other words, we're downplaying our budgetary woes when we should be exaggerating them. Unfortunately it's not politically smart to do that locally because of fuckasses like Alan Pettet scaring the town shitless with threats of an armed gang of vigilantes roaming the streets.

So what does this all mean? Frankly, I'm not totally sure. It could be that official layoff notices weren't needed and they just needed to put the planned amount of layoffs in the grant application. But I really wouldn't put it past the city to have fucked this up royally.

The excitement is brewing

I don't know if you realized this, but Stockton cant spend its money right.  Shocking, yes.  But I cannot take the credit for breaking this.  I have to credit Fitzy, wait, Siders, wait, was it Fitzy?  

Timeline!

10:41am Fitzy 

Writes vague synopsis of data table from CalPers showing employees making over 100k per year.  Tells us people from Stockton are on list (shock!).

11.28am  Siders

Siders does more than just give a link with vague references.  He gives names, monthly totals, and annual earnings from these pension plans in a nice table.  Lets us know how many Stockton employees currently make up that list. 

2:34 pm Fitzy

Fitzy now goes in depth with some hard news reporting....in an e-mail someone sent him saying his interest had been piqued by the previous vague blog post.  So in doing research, John Beckman, CEO of the Building Industry Association of the Delta is the one who breaks down his findings.

There were three posts in the matter of hours, two offered a little more information, and one is, well, I don't know.  I can appreciate the columnist trying to break news.  Honestly you should get a gold star for this, you really should.  You did some digging I guess, although I still am curious how you magically happened to be looking in the Bay Area businesses for sale and came up with that.  You used your contact, did some digging, left a message, and got a response.  You know, actual journalism, instead of this mess in my Sunday paper that hurt my head.  But if you want to stick with it, then go all the way through with it.  I shouldn't be reading about Stockton and Anaheim having similar numbers of 100k employees on the payroll from a guy whose not involved.  And no, printing his e-mail doesn't count.  You should be the one working those numbers to give actual analysis.  

I know its a rush to see who might be better, or who might break it first.  And I'll assume that the news came across the newsroom in a similar fashion.  But its ok to take your time and make it look professional when posting it, instead of just being the first to post it.

Quick Links for May 6th

Ah Wednesday...wait, it's Wednesday right? I was down shots of tequila and smoking a rare pack of cigarettes in honor of Cinco de Mayo yesterday so my mind's kinda fuzzy today. But I'm pretty sure it's Wednesday, wouldn't mind it being Thursday (or Friday), but it's been a painfully slow news week so I'm no...oh shit! Enough chit chat, Quick Links time!

Cue the training montage!

Wooo! Violent crime stats came out! Sure, if you're a new reader that may not be news to you, but the "Title" part of Reclaiming the Title is specifically the violent crime rate title we lost to Oakland. Sure, we want Stockton to have all titles and be the most decorated champion in the history of cities, but the violent crime rate title is the brass ring.

So how'd we do? Well, the actual violent crime rate won't be determined until later (probably next month) when 2008 population estimates come out, but the preliminary numbers are encouraging. Despite the lowest number of homicides since 1976, the number of violent crimes rose by 2.5%. The culprit? Aggravated assaults. From the linked article:

"'You can see the increase in aggravated assaults; that's really driving it,' said Officer Pete Smith, a Stockton Police Department spokesman."

See, we're totally a fight town.

No word on how Oakland did this year, so let's just hope that a bunch of people moved from Stockton to Oakland to inflate our rate while simultaneously deflating the O's.

Is there some "one vice at a time" law we're unaware of? (4th item down)

We're not going to pretend to understand permit law, but what the fuck does bong sales have to do with someone's ability to legally sell alcohol? Especially in Califuckingfornia. Technically they're for smoking tobacco, dude can't control it if people misuse his products. Other places are allowed to sell blunt wraps and booze and nobody uses those wraps for tobacco. I damn sure don't know anybody who uses piña colada wraps with their Buglers. But selling bongs is crossing a line? Technically they're healthier for you.

We're also massively disappointed with Susan Eggman for insinuating that people loitering out front and a cashier playing cards has any affect on alcohol sales. So what if it's close to a school? To buy any of that shit you gotta be 18 anyways. So how does that affect the kids? It's not like he's selling fucking pot. That's what Victory Park is for.

It is nice to see somebody's still selling looseys though.

Oh, and congratulations on reaching 1000 posts Mr. Siders. Not only is that a shitload of posts, but they were also 1000 times better than anything Fitzy's thrown up on his blog.

As if I wasn't having a hard enough time figuring out what day of the week it is already

Mike Fitzgerald's massive workload of 3 columns a week has been lightened to 2 apparently as Mike Klocke took on the Wednesday columnist duties and for once didn't have to announce changes to the paper. Instead he advocated the need for a more secure courthouse. Which is hilarious because, you know, one's on the way already. That's like us saying the city should layoff police officers to balance the budget. But hey, gotta write about something. So why not argue that the courtroom is dangerous because of one isolated incident involving a crazy meth head?

Of course, one incident isn't enough to be a trend so he included the dubious example of Brian Payne shouting out conspiracy theories. Because, you know, crazy handcuffed cokeheads shouting is totally dangerous.

Look, we understand the courthouse has the potential for danger, but let's face it, everywhere has that potential. And throwing money at a place for temporary upgrades sounds great but, I don't know if you've noticed, there isn't any fucking money. Yes, courthouse security is underfunded, but so is 99% of Stockton (That 1% being downtown Stockton). So yes, we recognize you need money, get in line behind the cops, firefighters, tree trimmers, and pretty much everybody else with outdated shit. Considering the courthouses needs are actually going to be met, forgive us if we really could care less about this "potential powder keg of disaster."

Old man Fitzy misses the way we were

It's a slow news day (again), so it's time to take a look at Fitzy's column from Sunday. And well, there's a lot to look at.

I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be some sort of anti-sprawl commentary, but it gets lost among the old-timey prosey (those are actual words, right?) style he attempts to write in to describe his childhood ride to Gilroy.

I would love to sympathize with Fitzy. I too hate the sprawl that kills the agricultural land that makes/made San Joaquin Valley relevant. But he makes his point in such an old man "back in my day" sort of way that I just can't bring myself to agree with him. The growth he's complaining about, no matter how poorly planned, was needed. Everybody wants things to remain simple in their small town. Lodi's turned it into an art form. Morada's not even an actual town and it actively combats growth. One of the biggest issues at the mayor's town hall meeting in "the SOUTH!" was how shit wasn't like it was back in the day. Of course shit's not like it was back in the day, that's what makes it back in the day.

Everybody likes to wax nostalgic about a simpler time but simpler doesn't necessarily mean better. Things fucking change, it happens. Growth is inevitable, whether it be personal growth or municipal growth it's going to happen. Towns, like people, have and should always have aspirations to better themselves.

The challenges Tracy is facing aren't any different than the challenges every town goes through when experiencing growing pains. They'll figure it out and they'll be a better community for it. Whether you're a town or a person how you face challenges defines who and what you are. Tracy, as Fitz noted, isn't the town it once was. It's grown, and that's not a bad thing. He just presents it as a bad thing because it didn't grow into what he wanted it to be. Same goes for his constant championing of downtown Stockton. They too are going through some growing pains and Fitz is there trying to keep the status quo. He wants it to be some upscale area where everybody's classy and he can feel safe walking around in a smoking jacket while he and Randy Paragary smoke their pipes (sadly, filled with tobacco. Although sometimes I wonder about him) on the roof of the Hotel Stockton. Well, downtown's growing in a different direction. His response? He pretty much called us petty dicks. Twice.

I'll try and wrap this up soon, but I guess my argument is that, contrary to Fitzy's claims, the quality of life is better than it was when his dad was driving him to Gilroy in that symbolic Chrysler-made Dodge Polaris. Towns, people, everything is constantly changing. Change isn't bad, and change doesn't define who we are as a community. Tracy, Stockton, Gilroy, Lodi, wherever aren't defined by shrinking farmland and cookie-cutter communities. We're defined by how we, as a community, react to that change. And I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of change going on right now.

We're not on the cusp of a giant shift or historic change, it fucking happened. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The very real challenges we're already facing and how we react to them will define our generation. We need to tackle these challenges head on, come up with new ways to move forward. Instead, Fitz apparently wants us to got back to the simpler way things were (note: he never outright says so, but the lamenting of growth combined with the whole quality of life thing seems to insinuate as much. So let us assume for argument's sake), even though that model broke a while back and was replaced by the faltering one we have now. I hate to sound like a politician (or the motivational speaker I seem to be channeling today) but we can't go backwards. That's not progress. We have to go forward, fight back if you will.

We're just in a particularly tough fight right now. One of our eyes is swollen shut so we can't see how much time is left in the round and the economy's peppering us with body blows. Fitzy apparently wants us to cry "No más" and go back to a simpler time that he understands. I don't wanna go out like that. We'll figure it out, I'm not sure how, but we'll figure it out. He said it himself, every generation will do better than it's predecessor. Falling back on the simpler days of yesteryear isn't doing better. And frankly, it's kind of sad.

I don't know how other cities are going to react to this fight, but I know Stockton. We're not a town of pussies God dammit. We're fighters. Sure, our opponent knocked out Chrysler, but we won't go down like that. Remember, real fighters are from Stockton.

Quick Links for May 4th

Well, it's Monday. We miss anything good over the weekend? I guess we'll find out in today's Quick Links!

Well, it's official. Swine flu has jumped the shark

It's hard to tell when a story has reached it's peak. We thought for sure the Cantu coverage was going to die down but then some farm workers had to find a fucking suitcase and gave the story another 2 weeks of coverage. That militia story seems to have died down, although we suspect with police layoffs coming in the not too distant future that story may blow up again.

But luckily for us we have a fool proof indicator of when a story is going to finally die, and it's name is Don Blount. Don is kind of famous around these parts for being the last dying breath of any story that gains some sort of notoriety around these parts. He chimed in on Obama a week after everybody else did. He gave us his opinion on Stockton being named the most miserable town in America after pretty much everybody debunked that myth and had moved on (and then brought it up again a week later). And the last time anybody mentioned that roving gang of armed (but not legged *rimshot*) vigilantes was when Blount likened them to the Klan (and then, just for kicks, brought it up a week later. Yes, again).

That's an impressive path of destruction for a guy who's only been writing a column for 4 months. He's like the Ted McGinley of journalistic shark jumping. So it's only fitting that the day he writes about the dangers of Swine flu and what precautions to take against it is the same day major media outlets are realizing they may have overreacted just a smidge.

So for those of you already tired of the Swine flu non-demic, it's almost over. See, Don Blount's good for something.

Something about "Stockton" and "fighting" seems vaguely familiar

It's been a few months since the election cycle ended (the upcoming special election doesn't count since, as the Record pointed out, nobody's going to vote in it), but instead of letting us enjoy an extended break after what seemed like 4 straight years of campaign ads, Susan Eggman's getting her fundraise on a little early this year. Which is fine by me since she doesn't represent my district (or at least I'm pretty sure she doesn't since I don't live in the SOUTH!).

Although we have to point out that the early version of her campaign slogan does seem to echo sentiments we've been pushing since last summer, which is encouraging to say the least. Mostly because we're all for people agreeing with us. So Susan Eggman wants to fight for Stockton, let's hope this results in some sort of campaign event where her and Nick Diaz sing some sort of duet (What? You didn't know she sings at campaign events?). Preferably "Eye of the Tiger".

It's not a race thing, Morada just hates religion

I kid of course, actually it's a traffic thing. But I defer to former Morada resident El Duke for this one:

"Traffic on the Frontage Road east of 99 can get pretty bad at times, but their claim is still bullshit. The area they're considering building the mosque at over by Shippee is at the south end of Morada. The only way it'll really affect traffic is if you have to go down to Weinerschnitzel. And nobody goes to that Weinerschnitzel. Even then the traffic can be avoided by jumping on the 3 overpasses that connect Morada to the rest of Stockton and shoot on down the Frontage Road on the west of 99 to get pretty much anywhere. So really, they're just bitching about a slight inconvenience.

Really it's just that Moradans like to think they live in some sleepy rural town that is immune to growth. They're resistant to any change. They opposed the Harvest Bible Church and they didn't even have to build their building. They just occupy the old Sibbs/Mar-Val/Babe's Liquor strip mall. That's how fearful they are of change. They'd rather let a vacant strip mall sit there and rot than have something disturb their quaint little community."

Translation? Morada's like a mini-Lodi.

Slow News Days Suck!

I hate slow news days, don't you? And don't let bullshit swine flu stories fool you, it's a fucking slow news day. Just look at the front page of the Record today. What's the big news? Mickie Grove Zoo is getting birds! Oh man! So amazing!

Oh, and the police and some other city workers got layoff notices. Not laid off, just notices that they miiiight get laid off depending on the number of people who take advantage of the retirement incentives offered to workers/cops over 50 (those wanting to take advantage have until today to do so). So, you know, more waiting. Awesome.

Oh, and Fitzy is apparently on the restaurant beat now as he tells the tale of Chuck's getting sued for ADA non-compliance by an overly litigious dick in a wheelchair. Yup,lawyers are soulless dicks, that's some crack investigative reporting right there.

But the real sign of a slow news day is how many ads for The Record and its various services appear in the paper to fill space. And good Lord there are a few today. That's nothing really post-worthy, the Record has been slowly turning into a catalog interspersed with news for years now. What makes the ads notable is what they're for. Everybody turn to A13! (We'd link, but why would the Record want these online? It makes too much sense.)

Yes, you too could have a picture of your little one's Kindergarten graduation picture in the Record for the low low price of $40! I don't even think my school had a kindergarten graduation. If we did, years of hard living have erased it from my memory. If only my parents had shelled out 40 clams so they could tell me how proud they are of me for being named "Most likely to continue eating paste" next to a picture of me wearing a paper hat and a bathrobe! It's great to see the Record display such great out-of-the-box thinking like this to recoup some lost ad sales revenue. Because, if there's one section of the community that totally has disposable income in this economy, it's relatively new parents.

Of course, the second biggest community sect with cash just pouring out of their pockets it's people who are getting married! And for the bargain basement price of $25 you can, ummm, announce your wedding in some sort of bride and groom insert the Record's doing next month! Of course (flipping to B4 now), if your wedding was really wacky and over-the-top, you can contact the Record and have them do a feature story on you for free! Did your uncle get too sauced and hit on the bride? Was your bridal party so big the limo had to take people to the wedding in shifts? Did you get to ride the chair at a Jewish wedding that wasn't yours? The Record wants to know! Oh man, the zany stories are endless.

So, to clarify, the Record wants your money for some features they're doing that serve no other purpose other than to make money. See, journalism is alive and well. (Takes swig from flask)