Old man Fitzy misses the way we were

It's a slow news day (again), so it's time to take a look at Fitzy's column from Sunday. And well, there's a lot to look at.

I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be some sort of anti-sprawl commentary, but it gets lost among the old-timey prosey (those are actual words, right?) style he attempts to write in to describe his childhood ride to Gilroy.

I would love to sympathize with Fitzy. I too hate the sprawl that kills the agricultural land that makes/made San Joaquin Valley relevant. But he makes his point in such an old man "back in my day" sort of way that I just can't bring myself to agree with him. The growth he's complaining about, no matter how poorly planned, was needed. Everybody wants things to remain simple in their small town. Lodi's turned it into an art form. Morada's not even an actual town and it actively combats growth. One of the biggest issues at the mayor's town hall meeting in "the SOUTH!" was how shit wasn't like it was back in the day. Of course shit's not like it was back in the day, that's what makes it back in the day.

Everybody likes to wax nostalgic about a simpler time but simpler doesn't necessarily mean better. Things fucking change, it happens. Growth is inevitable, whether it be personal growth or municipal growth it's going to happen. Towns, like people, have and should always have aspirations to better themselves.

The challenges Tracy is facing aren't any different than the challenges every town goes through when experiencing growing pains. They'll figure it out and they'll be a better community for it. Whether you're a town or a person how you face challenges defines who and what you are. Tracy, as Fitz noted, isn't the town it once was. It's grown, and that's not a bad thing. He just presents it as a bad thing because it didn't grow into what he wanted it to be. Same goes for his constant championing of downtown Stockton. They too are going through some growing pains and Fitz is there trying to keep the status quo. He wants it to be some upscale area where everybody's classy and he can feel safe walking around in a smoking jacket while he and Randy Paragary smoke their pipes (sadly, filled with tobacco. Although sometimes I wonder about him) on the roof of the Hotel Stockton. Well, downtown's growing in a different direction. His response? He pretty much called us petty dicks. Twice.

I'll try and wrap this up soon, but I guess my argument is that, contrary to Fitzy's claims, the quality of life is better than it was when his dad was driving him to Gilroy in that symbolic Chrysler-made Dodge Polaris. Towns, people, everything is constantly changing. Change isn't bad, and change doesn't define who we are as a community. Tracy, Stockton, Gilroy, Lodi, wherever aren't defined by shrinking farmland and cookie-cutter communities. We're defined by how we, as a community, react to that change. And I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of change going on right now.

We're not on the cusp of a giant shift or historic change, it fucking happened. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The very real challenges we're already facing and how we react to them will define our generation. We need to tackle these challenges head on, come up with new ways to move forward. Instead, Fitz apparently wants us to got back to the simpler way things were (note: he never outright says so, but the lamenting of growth combined with the whole quality of life thing seems to insinuate as much. So let us assume for argument's sake), even though that model broke a while back and was replaced by the faltering one we have now. I hate to sound like a politician (or the motivational speaker I seem to be channeling today) but we can't go backwards. That's not progress. We have to go forward, fight back if you will.

We're just in a particularly tough fight right now. One of our eyes is swollen shut so we can't see how much time is left in the round and the economy's peppering us with body blows. Fitzy apparently wants us to cry "No más" and go back to a simpler time that he understands. I don't wanna go out like that. We'll figure it out, I'm not sure how, but we'll figure it out. He said it himself, every generation will do better than it's predecessor. Falling back on the simpler days of yesteryear isn't doing better. And frankly, it's kind of sad.

I don't know how other cities are going to react to this fight, but I know Stockton. We're not a town of pussies God dammit. We're fighters. Sure, our opponent knocked out Chrysler, but we won't go down like that. Remember, real fighters are from Stockton.

Why I hate journalism and a meandering rant about the Cantu Case

We haven't really covered much of the Sandra Cantu case here. Mostly because after about day 3 we stopped following it regularly because there was really only a handful of ways it could have ended, one of them being "found in a suitcase in an irrigation ditch". And, call me crazy, I don't want to hear/read about how a little girl was brutally raped and murdered. That's not exciting journalism for us.

We also ignored it partially because it was quite possibly the slowest developing story we've ever seen. It was frustrating to track because Tracy PD was keeping its mouth shut on fucking everything. Which resulted in multiple articles about the search continuing with no real new information aside from who's car got towed mixed in with trailer park gossip. No really, here's a list of the stories from when Cantu went missing until her body was found (roughly a week and a half):

Cantu disappears
We're searching!
Hey, did you guys do it? No? But you kissed her! On the lips! Still no? Ok, we'll keep looking.
Hey you! Let us look! Oh, still nothing. Well, we're still taking you in!
Yeah, so, we still got nothing.
But we're narrowing things down! (Note: this was 5 days before some farm workers narrowed it down for them)
We're doing a good job! Swear! But yeah, still nothing.
See! We found this t-shirt! Sure it's not Sandra's we totally wasted a day on this but it's something. Ok fine, we got nothing.
We got a helicopter! Oh, and still nothing.
Hey look! Another house searched! And another day of jack shit to report!
So still nothing, but be distracted by this creepy video of the last images of a probably dead girl in what was probably her last happy moments!
Oh my! The poor community! Oh, and still fucking nothing!
No really, poor Tracy!
Man, such a quiet search. Almost makes you think about packing it in and calling it a day.
Oh shit! They found something! Quit stalling and tellll ussssss.
OMG it was her! Quick, shoot a video of the mom's darkest hour!

That was fucking grating wasn't it? Nearly 2 weeks of bullshit. Half of those stories are "Police found jack shit". We're all for covering the search but at what point does rehashing the same story about Tracy PD not finding anything become useless? They could have skipped probably half those stories.

But Tracy PD was dicks and kept leading people on. They told us they had a handful of credible tips, they postponed press conferences with no explanation, and all of it was fucking bullshit because when it was all said and done they still had to rely on a group of farm workers who stumbled upon a suitcase in an irrigation ditch. All that shit about being close was a fucking lie. You hear about them searching the pastor's house before they found Melissa Huckaby's suitcase? I sure as hell didn't.

Of course, the Record sent a reporter out to Tracy pretty much every day for a week and a half so they had to get something back. Most of the time that reporter got nothing so he ended up having to rehash details we already knew. Which is fine once or twice. But not a week and a half of that shit.

And that's all before we got into the search for her killer and Huckaby's arrest/arraignment. The search for Sandra's killer went much more smoothly than the search for her body. Even if the avalanche of online videos increased the already borderline overkill media coverage to "contemplating suicide so I can stop hearing about this God damn story" levels.

Of course, once Huckaby was arrested, this turns into a court case so we get a whole new batch of angles to make your brain melt! Which resulted in my favorite series of stories in this entire shitstorm. The Record got ahold of deputy District Attorney Thomas Testa and found out he was going to be the prosecutor. Which would be a fine story if the other deputy DA wasn't telling the AP about the addition of rape/molestation charges! The resulting combination of those two stories was a fairly entertaining mashup (So yeah, rape and stuff. But hey look! A guy we spent half a day interviewing!)

And then there's the court hearing in which, well, NOTHING HAPPENED. They read off the charges that the DA already tipped everybody off on and everybody stood around trying to get video of some woman who's clearly at her wit's end crying. It was riveting stuff.

The saddest part (besides, you know, the whole little girl getting killed and raped thing), is that people are eating this bullshit up. Countless numbers of people who know I'm kind of a news junkie kept asking me if I saw the story about the court appearance I'm just sitting there thinking (and this is the part where, if you don't already hate me, you will afterwards) WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL!? Yes, a girl died. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it happened close to home. But nothing's fucking changed. I see mom's reading these stories with a worried look on their face and I just want to grab them and shout "Nothing is different! Your kid was in just as much danger a month ago as they are now!" Maybe I'm just a sick human being who doesn't really feel a connection to people I've never met and never will meet, or maybe I just recognize media scare tactics

But scare tactics work. Now we can have countless News10 stories about how to keep your kid safe from the dangers of the world and everybody can get some sort of closure even though most people will forget about this case after the first episode of Nancy Grace after the gag order is in place. And in the end, what do we get? A few extra papers sold (a claim I hate making, but it fits here). A little rattled that something like that could happen in a little town like Tracy even though something like this always could have happened in Tracy (and still can in the future). Plus, we get to call some woman we don't know a psycho with mental problems to make ourselves feel better about the world in general. And, as a bonus, we get a false sense of security because now we're aware and informed about how to protect our kids thanks to the overcoverage by news outlets. Which is kind of ironic because a false sense of security is how this whole thing started.

God I hate journalism.

Let he who has never done anything stupid cast the first squirrell

"Who are you?" "The spirit of Cesar Chavez." "Why do you look like Cesar Romero?" "Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like." The Simpsons Season 12 Ep. 15

Well, apparently my advice from last week was taken and Don Blount formed an opinion on something. Predictably it was a horribly wrong opinion. I said it Thursday and I'll say it again, people are allowed to be ignorant. Why else would half the people in newspapers still be around?

We touched on this last week. But since Don saw it and decided to push it into this week's news cycle, we'll go a little bit more in depth.

First of all, was what he said really that bad? We're of course taking him at his word that there was no malice meant in what he said. What did he say? That he thought Chavez was a Communist organizer. Is calling somebody a Commie even really an insult anymore? Barack Obama gets called socialist on what seems like an hourly basis on Fox News. That's a legitimate (well, as legit as Fox gets) news organization that's broadcast nationwide. Bestolairdes' transgression was sent in a private e-mail that was leaked to the press. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The point is, that calling someone a communist is a fucking joke. Nobody outside of the 1950s uses that as a serious accusation. Anybody who takes it as an actual insult is a fucking pussy. It even states in the column that Chavez found it entertaining to combat allegations of communism. It's an absurd accusation. Joe McCarthy thinks it's laughable in this day and age.

I'm actually glad Don Blount brought up Barack Obama's "Special Olympics" remark on Leno as another example of an insensitive misstep because anybody who was offended by that is also a fucking pussy. If you had listened to the context of that joke you'd know Obama was right. Leno was in the midst of blowing him over his decidedly average bowling score and Barry correctly told him to cut that shit out. Why the fuck was that even a news item? Well, that brings me to my next point.

News organizations get e-mails from special interest groups all the time. It's really fucking annoying. And unfortunately, Bestolairdes' e-mail was sent directly to a special interest group. They saw an opportunity to push their agenda right before Cesar Chavez Day and sent the e-mail to the Record. The Record pounced on the opportunity because, as we bitched about noted, last week was a painfully slow news week. The result? Don Blount and the various outraged local Latino organizations are calling for a public apology for an e-mail that they made public! This makes the Latino organizations happy because it puts them in the news in the week leading up to their big weekend celebration. And it makes Don Blount and the Record happy because it fills space and gives them a different angle to present the Cesar Chavez story instead of printing something that resembles a high school term paper on Cesar Chavez Day. Everybody wins, except for Steve Bestolairdes of course.

And that's truly the sad part of this whole thing, in the interest of self-promotion and space filling, intent was thrown out the window. Did Bestolairdes intend to offend Stockton's sizeable Latino population? Of course not. He made an ignorant statement in a private e-mail. If anything, the Dolores Huerta Foundation should be apologizing to Bestolairdes for publicly disseminating his e-mail. He apologized to the involved parties.

If he had accidently hit "reply all" and sent that e-mail out to every city computer or something, then yes, a public apology would be warranted. But he didn't publicize his ignorance, the special interest groups did. All to pretty blatantly promote their agenda. Because, let's face it, Steve Bestolairdes knows who Cesar Chavez was. He's not retarded. He was just a tired man who made a bad joke. Funny thing is, the joke wasn't even about Cesar Chavez. As far as we can tell, dude was making a joke about Barack Obama. A guy who's opponents referred to him as a community organizer in a negative fashion. And a guy who, as we said earlier, is called a communist on a pretty regular basis. He was comparing the bullshit Chavez faced with the bullshit Obama faces today. So, if anything, Bestolairdes was guilty of making a bad joke after a 16-hour day. Which A) is exactly what he apologized for, and B) is something every single fucking one of us has done before.

But let's assume for a second that he didn't know who Chavez was before getting politically gangraped by the Latino special interest groups. Is it really that big of a fucking deal? Isn't that why we have a Cesar Chavez Day? To educate those who don't know as to who the man was? In the article Jennie Rodriguez wrote about the Cesar Chavez Day festivities (which appears on the page opposite Blount's column) one of the people she interviews is a Mexican immigrant named Enrique Jimenez who admits that he doesn't know much about Chavez himself. I don't see Pedro Ramirez running to hand him a pamphlet. And that brings me to my last point.

The only reason this is even an issue, and the reason Blount argues a more public apology is necessary, is because Bestolairdes holds a public office. And everybody's all too willing to jump on public officials because they "should know better." Well guess what? That's bullshit. The beauty of our political system is that any Joe Schmoe can hold a public office. But nobody wants to because for some God forsaken reason people think that if you can get a majority of the people to like you enough to vote for you, you must be smarter than they are. Well, they're not. Just look at the past couple Delta trustee boards. They're people just like you and me. And, I hate to be the one to break this to you, people fuck up all the time.

Especially at this low of a level of public office. I can at least understand some of the outrage directed at Obama for his comment on Leno because he's the fucking President and said it on a nationally televised program. Bestolairdes is a school district trustee. And in one of the smaller school districts at that. Fuck, if I had the money, a death wish, and lived in the proper area I could be a Lincoln Unified Trustee. Yet, Don Blount is comparing him to Barack Obama and nobody seems to have a problem with this? How is that an apt comparison?

Of course, none of this is new. As a society we've been overscrutinizing our public figures for years with no regard for the impact it might have. To see the impact one just needs to look at the postgame press conference of almost every sporting event. You get homogenized quotes like "Both teams played hard" and "I'd like to thank God and my teammates". It's fucking boring.

But guys like Bob Knight or Ron Artest, who are just genuinely being themselves, are vilified for being too honest with their emotions. Ron Artest is labeled as crazy for, in the heat of the moment, running into the stands after somebody threw a beer at him. In hindsight everybody was eager to say "How could he do such a thing with so much money and fame at stake?" When, in reality, if somebody throws a beer at me I'm not thinking "What are the financial ramapercussions of my actions?" I'm thinking "Where's the motherfucker who threw that fucking beer at me? I'm going to beat the fuck out of him." If you think that's an incorrect line of thinking let me know where you're drinking this weekend and I'll huck a Coors Light at you and we'll see what you think then.

I guess what I'm trying to get at in an entirely roundabout way is that we're all too eager to judge others while ignoring our own shortcomings. Everybody fucks up, it's just a matter of to what degree. Bestolairdes fucked up to a microscopic degree and for some reason it's being treated as if he called Chavez the brown Hitler. All to promote some bullshit event.

Was it really worth it? I guess we'll find out the next time somebody tries to pry some actual important information from an elected official. Will they speak somewhat freely (well, as freely as a politician can speak) and let that nugget of information slip? Or will they remember how their pal got destroyed in the press over a tiny misstep and clam up? Think about that the next time you see a "no comment" in a story. That's real journalism at work. Intent be damned, there's pages to be filled.

Quick Links for March 25th

Thank God for the Nasty Fetish Tournament because jack and shit is going on this week. And no, UOP advancing to the semifinals of the CollegeInsider.com tournament is not news. Mostly because I'm pretty sure if I had tens of thousands of dollars to throw around I could grab the guys I play an occasional pickup game with and advance to the semis of that joke of a tournament.

Anyway, it's Wednesday and we haven't done a Quick Links yet this week. Which I'm pretty sure is a record or something. So yeah, Quick Links!

"Taxes? I thought that was part of our deal"

The plight of the Lexington Waterfront Plaza Hotel Bar and Grill and Feed 'n Fuel continues. This time they didn't pay a tax aimed pretty much directly at them. So not only are contractors not getting paid, but the city's not getting the revenue that was part of the reason they gave the old Sheraton such a sweet deal in the first place. Of course, they're blaming it on the fact that the hotel's still in bankruptcy court, which I guess is a decent enough excuse. But this whole situation does underscore how horrible of an idea building an upscale hotel in what's considered (correctly or not) one of the sketchier areas in town. That idea looks fucking golden though compared to the fact that the hotel's profitability hinged on the sale of multiple $700,000 condos on the top of the hotel. None of this is really new news, but like I said, jack shit's been going on this week. Although it is pretty funny that the VP of the hotel is also the chairman of the tourism board that the hotel tax presumably benefits.

Apparently we learned nothing from previous councils

We've said it before and we'll say it again, Arena's are not moneymakers! That being said we understand why the city's considering this. The Arena was maligned while it was being built, and 4 years later it has yet to turn a profit. Most people are ignorant to the fact that it's tough for any new arena to post a profit, especially when the tenants don't have a built in fan base. So Arena opponents have exploited that ignorance and have been calling for immediate action to rectify that. We're not Arena apologists, but immediate action is kind of what got us into this mess in the first place.

The major problem with the Arena and downtown redevelopment as a whole is that it all happened wayyyyy too fast. Podesto was eager to leave his mark on the city and wanted to get everything done before he was out of office. So everything got fast tracked. Want a movie theater? Boom! It's up. Ballpark? Booyah! Built whether we got the land through legal means or not. Arena? Why, that would be the crown jewel! Make it happen! And throw a hotel up there too while you're at it. What was missing in all of this? Well, for one, a chance to see if any of those things could actually succeed downtown. We all know how downtown was perceived pre-redevelopment. It was an area to be avoided unless you had a parking ticket or jury duty. The city did nothing to address those concerns outside throwing up some fences.

Instead of slowly coaxing us into checking out downtown they hijacked the Asparagus festival and forced us downtown. Instead of saying "Hey, we understand your safety concerns and we're doing something to address them" they said "Crime? What the fuck are you talking about? It's perfectly safe down there!" while stories in the paper told us about shootings in front of nightclubs and late night muggings. And while all of this is going on, they expect us to willingly go down there to support not one, not two, but four(!?) brand new venues/businesses. It's like they took the saying "put all your eggs in one basket" and shoved an 8-ball of booger sugar up it's nose.

If they had slowed down they would have seen that it takes time for any venue to be profitable by itself, let alone 3 of them. Instead the edict was clear "Get it done". And they did. And it's costing us big time when we can least afford it. And now it's causing us to consider horrible ideas to try and renegotiate a horrible contract.

We're not saying renegotiation isn't warranted. We're just saying that the city council needs to display the patience that the previous councils didn't. Learn from their mistakes. Immediate solutions aren't the best ones. The money to buy those teams has to come from somewhere. If it comes from bond dollars (not that anyone's indicated that's where it's coming from, but where the hell else is it going to come from, not a hotel tax, that's for sure), you're really just fucking the future to get shut done now. And if that happens have we really learned anything from this whole debacle?

Something for UOP to consider

This has no local connection but I thought this was pretty cool. Plus, we're featuring one reason the internet was created (the widespread distribution of porn), why not feature the other? Academic Earth is a project that feature lectures/courses from various prestigious universities that we have no chance of attending/affording. Of course linking to this kind of outs me as a huge nerd, but for those looking to further their education and don't have the financial means to do so, this site is a fairly good alternative. Even if it isn't worth some class credit. At the very least you'll feel better about yourself for not watching bootleg Simpsons episodes all night again. Plus if shit gets really boring you can just skip to the next lecture in the series. And you can totally smoke a bowl during class.

Is Stockton really miserable or just potentially miserable? Plus, a special appearance by hope!

I was at a friend's house playing video games when I found out. Sitting there shooting zombies with my Wii controller and then it happened. It started off quiet at first, but then as always, it picked up. "Raaapppadooo!" That either means that the champ is here, or that Bris Isaak is calling me (What? You don't have "The Time is Now" set as one of your ringtones?). To my surprise, it was both.

"Forbes has named Stockton the most miserable city in the United States."

Wooo! Weeeeeeee are the champions! Nobody's more depressed and miserable that us! Fuck yeah! Then I thought about it for a bit. Wait a minute, I don't feel depressed or miserable. Sure, at times there's enough THC in my lungs that you could probably slap me in the face and I wouldn't feel a thing, but it's not like I smoke and drink to escape being miserable (Note: Valentines Day not included in this statement). I do that shit because I'm fucking bored and need to kill time.

I don't mean to shit all over the celebration, we are called Reclaiming the Title after all. We love this kind of shit. But this list just seems flawed. Well, more flawed than any of these sorts of rankings. They compiled this list by looking at things like violent crime rate (check), taxes (looks at paycheck, check), and...commute time? How did we rank so low in commute time?

I know sometimes driving in Stockton can be fucking annoying because of the high rate of old Asian ladies. Hell, we have a high rate of old people in general who for some God forsaken reason still have their license. But are old people alone really enough to warrant a low commute time rating? These guys have been to Tracy, right? I've hit bumper to bumper traffic on the 205 at 3 in the fucking morning. They're way worse.

But even if you spot Forbes the traffic thing, it still doesn't amount to anything real. It's all statistics and no polls. Sure, we all have our problems. Times are tough right now, but I wouldn't say anybody I know is miserable by any means. What this list shows is Stockton has the potential to be miserable. Nobody could blame us if we all just sat around wallowing in self-pity because shit is so tough. But that's for pussies and emo kids.

We're not the most miserable city in America (and we question the veracity of any list that infers that Miami could be anything but fucking awesome). Are we one of the most afflicted cities in the US? Yes. Do we have a lot of shit to deal with? You bet your ass. Do we let it get to us? Sometimes, although you could have said that before the recession. Will we let it hold us back? Fuck and no. We've said it before and we'll say it again, Stockton is town of fighters. Could we be miserable? Yeah. But shit doesn't get fixed when you're wallowing at the bottom of a fifth of SoCo (and trust us, we would know). If we're going to get out of the slump this city has been in for years, we have to fight. We have to fight the voices in the back of our head that's freaking out about bills, mortgage payments, and job security. That little voice can't win. That's what makes people miserable.

Sure all of the factors Forbes listed help, but Forbes never called anybody from Stockton and asked if they're miserable (save for Ann Johnston, but who listens to her anyway?). Again, everybody gets down from time to time. But straight up completely miserable? Cynical maybe, but not miserable. I think deep down inside, even past that previously mentioned nagging voice in the back of our heads, we all know it's all going to turn out OK. Like the Forbes article says, we were ground zero for the real estate boom and we were ground zero for the real estate collapse. Who's to say we won't be ground zero for economic recovery? Sure, shit looks bleak right now, but as housing prices continue to drop more and more people are able to afford homes. The jobs will eventually come back, and shit will work out.

Some people are fatalists and claim we just need to tap out. Again, those people are pussies. We need to remain hopeful for Stockton's future. Yeah, it's tough to do right now, but if we're going to get out of this we have to keep that hope. Shit can't really get any worse so we have to cling to that hope and fight for a better Stockton. You know, fighting those El Guapos that try and keep us down. The day we stop fighting is the day we truly are miserable. I hope we won't stop fighting. I hope we win this battle. We have the potential to be miserable, but we also have the potential to kick ass. Eventually we're realize that potential. Which one? Well, I know which one I'm hoping for.

RTT OFF TOPIC Movies you can't see in Stockton review: The Wrestler

ed. note: Nothing really happened today, unless you want to read about Bob Barker buying the Lode area an elephant. But the best joke we could come up for that was "One guy was gonna bring it in for $1.5 mil but Barker outbid him with $1.5 mil and one dollar". So instead enjoy this movie review which really has nothing to do with Stockton, but is interesting anyways.

Wrestling fans are a classically pessimistic group. That'll happen when you're widely regarded as the red-headed stepchild of "sports" fans. The general public looks down on us as unintelligent hillbillies, fans of an illegitimate sport. Those in power in pro wrestling generally look down on us as the "marks", even though nobody over the age of 10 has fallen for the "con" of wrestling since the late 30s. No respect either way. We're the Rodney Dangerfield of "sports" fans.

So when I first heard about The Wreslter a little over two years ago, back when it was only known as "That Nic Cage wrestling movie" my first thought was "Nic Cage? That movie's going to blow."

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to movie to be good. It's just that wrestling and movies never mix. The history's there, No Holds Barred and Ready to Rumble, both are the most noted examples in pro wrestling movie suckdom. And with Nic Cage slated to star in the latest attempt (although it was later revealed they only flirted with Cage for about a week before settling on Mickey Rourke), it seemed that trend would continue. Confident that "The Wrestler" would suck, I promptly forgot I'd even read about it.

Next thing I know it's 2 years later and, holy shit, The Wrestler got made (again, thankfully, with Rourke instead of Cage). Then my wrestling fan pessimism kicked in. Is the general public ready for a pro wrestling movie? Did Chris Benoit scare everybody off? Oh shit! Chris Benoit! How the fuck is this movie going to get any press when nobody wants to touch wrestling with a 10-foot ladder? Are they going to address the Benoit thing? This isn't going to be some preachy "dangers of wrestling" movie is it? That'd just be depressing. And what about wrestling fans? They're a notoriously fickle bunch that would never accept a Hollywood-sanitized depiction of a classically seedy business. Yeah, it's fun to be me. And people wonder why I drink heavily.

But then something unexpected happened. Something that was so unfathomable I never even considered it. The Wrestler was good. Scratch that, not good, fucking great.

Darren Aronofsky fucking nailed the wrestling industry. The shop talk, the Ram's chilly relationship with his daughter, the almost cult-like dedication to fanny packs (next time you catch "Hogan Knows Best" rerun keep your eyes on the Hulkster's waistline. Chances are there's a fanny pack brother), the tacky clothes, the constant need to be "on", the absurdity of strolling through the dollar store to find weapons for a hardcore match, using a classroom as a locker room after wrestling an indy match for $20; Aronofsky did what I thought couldn't be done, he depicted the wrestling industry honestly and unapologetically. It's not all good, it's not all bad. It's just the way it is. I know that doesn't sound like much but the last pro wrestling movie I saw was Ready to Rumble, in which 30-something wrestling fans David Arquette and Scott Caan still thought wrestling was real. Think that's stupid? David Arquette then won the World Title, not in the movie, but in real life to help promote the movie. God I loved WCW.

But the wrestling fans were a gimmie. Regardless of whether or not it sucked, wrestling fans would go. The tough sell would be everybody else. No matter what I said, no matter how many awards it won or was nominated for, I couldn't find anybody willing to make the hour-long trek to the bay area to go see "a wrestling movie". I tried everything.

"It's a wrestling movie so if it's bad it's going to be hilariously bad. Like Rocky Horror Picture Show bad." Or, "It's not playing in Stockton so it has to be good." Or my personal favorite, "It's like 'Rocky' but with wrestling!"

Of course I said all of this before actually seeing the movie. Now that I've seen it, I would describe it in three words and instantly have half my friends on board. Marissa Tomei's tits. In an Academy Award nominated performance (I'm not kidding), Marissa Tomei shows off her glorious funbags for a good quarter of the movie. You know how in Striptease they take forever to get to Demi Moore's tits and even then obscure them with a tie or a drunken mustacheless Burt Reynolds? This is like the exact opposite. Sometimes Tomei's chesticles are out just while she's standing around at the strip club her character works at (God bless the mesh top). As far as I'm concerned, Aronofsky should recut this movie to feature Tomei and call it The Stripper. Slap that on a billboard with a close up shot of her dirty pillows and you got yourself a multimillion dollar motion picture. Although I'm not looking forward to that movie's version of the deli slicer scene.

Of course that's just one of the awesome surprises sprinkled throughout this movie. But instead of focusing on all the little things, let's tackle the big subjects. Aronofsky took a business full of characters that are often more ridiculous than their on screen personas and showed them for the passionate, everyday people that they are. They chase a job they love with a passion that's exceeded by few others. The Ram gave up his health, his family, hell he gave up anything resembling a relationship outside of the locker room and his relationship with the fans. He gave it all up for a piece of immortality.

The movie focuses on a chase too many wrestlers get caught up in. The chase for another chance at being immortalized by the fans. Even if that means taking a staple gun the the chest. Any wrestler will tell you that the feeling you get when you pop a crowd is one of the most addicting feelings you can have. That's the real drug problem in wrestling. People love to talk about the steroid problem. The pain killers, the sleeping pills, and even good old fashioned Mary Jane all pale in comparison to the feeling of thousands of fans hanging out your every move. Some people dream about stepping up to the plate during game 7 of the World Series with 2 outs and a full count in bottom of the 9th. Some people dream about 3rd and forever with less than 2 minutes on the clock, the entire season and the hopes of millions of people pinned on you making the perfect throw.

But those situations happen once a year, if at all. These guys get that feeling almost every day. Sure it's in a controlled environment, but that's part of the agreement between fans and wreslters. We'll suspend reality and cheer as if it were real as long as you put on a good show. Unfortunately the cost of putting on a good show day in and day out can take its toll. And, at least in the case of the Ram, the price of his relationship with the fans is that eventually, it's the only relationship he has left.

After a particularly brutal hardcore match The Ram suffers a heart attack and is told he has to hang it up. Suddenly Ram has to cope with the life he neglected in favor of chasing that next big rush from the crowd. Only after 20 years of neglect, he realizes wrestling is all he has left. His natural charisma that took him so far in the wrestling world only takes him so far in his attempts to woo Marissa Tomei and repair his relationship with his daughter. It's both sad and touching at the same time. A few weeks later I realized The Wrestler wasn't "'Rocky" with wrestling", it was (local connection alert!) "Fat City" with wrestling.

I won't spoil the ending but I don't think it's much of a surprise that he eventually goes back for "one more" big match with his most famous opponent the Ayatollah (played by former WCW wrestler Ernest Miller who's persona when actually wrestling is best described as a kickboxing James Brown). Randy suffers through considerable pain as he labors through the match in one of the cheesier moments of the film. The Ram clutches his chest a couple of times through the match to the point where he kind of resembles a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Red Fox.

The big question people ask me is if Randy Robinson dies at the end of the movie. But really, it doesn't matter. The message is clear, the fans are the only people who love The Ram anymore, and he'd kill himself to maintain that one lasting relationship. And really if there's such a thing as a preferred way to die, dying while doing what you love is the way to go. It may seem a little bit crazy, but when I left the theatre I couldn't help but be a little jealous of Randy "The Ram" Robinson.

But most importantly, for me at least, is that people might not be so quick to judge me for my admittedly weird facination with the world of pro wrestling. Sure it can be cheesy and doesn't look very real at times, but hopefully this movie can lend even a small amount of legitimacy to an illegitimate sport. Wait, what's this about Wrestlemania now? God damn it. That's going to suck.

Update: Awww...aww...awww... Why Lord? Why!?

Holy shit! Layoffs!? This is the worst thing to possibly ever happen ever and has never happened to anyone else!

Note: This originally appeared in today's eventual Quick Links (I know, two posts in one day, I'm a work horse), but it got really long so we cut it and made it it's own post. So, enjoy.

We've been fairly critical of Stockton PD for their reaction to possible budget cuts for the past couple months, and today's going to be no different. Don't get us wrong, we feel bad for them. Layoffs blow. I've been laid of before, it fucking sucks. At least when you get fired it's for something you actually did. Getting laid off kills the notion that if you just keep your head down, nose to the grindstone, that shit will be OK.

All that being said, the fact that they're just now being subjected to budget cuts and are just now considering layoffs puts them in a better position than half the country. Complaining about layoffs like you guys are the first people to ever lose their job for economic reasons just pisses off everybody who's been in the unemployment line for the past year. And, I don't know if PD's been reading the news lately but, that's a lot of fucking people. The word "layoff" just doesn't resonate like it used to because we read about layoffs pretty much every day now.

Yes, it sucks that this will probably happen. We don't want to lose cops as much as the next guy. But bitching about it to the media to try and garner public support isn't going to work. A. You guys didn't do a very subtle job. B. You guys have been bitching for like a year straight and it's getting tiresome. And C. What's your magical solution to make $30 million appear in the general fund? If you don't have a solution to the thing you're bitching about, you're a bitch! That's why they call it bitching! We've been guilty of it, we're bitches. But then again, we're bloggers, not the fucking cops. It's kind of expected from us. And even then, we try and offer up some sort of solution.

I know this is going to be hard for some fragile cop egos to hear but you guys are just like everybody else. We're not ones to defend the city much, but when they say "nobody's safe" from the economic cuts, they fucking mean it. Unprecedented economic woes mean unprecedented solutions. Like laying off cops. You guys were immune to cuts before, but not anymore. Sorry you guys aren't special anymore. But considering after these layoffs are before the city has the cut another $30 mil, it's safe to say these layoffs aren't just a possibility, they're inevitable! So instead of bitching and moaning about something you can't stop, why not try the smart solution? (Yes, unlike PD, we're actually going to offer a decent solution)

I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that the public doesn't have too high an opinion of SPD right now. They've been bitching about their raise forfucking ever, shooting innocent people, and crashing into each other. No matter who's right or who's wrong in those situations, the result is not positive for the Police department. Coming out and bitching about the shit you guys believe you deserve as if you're better than the rest of us who are having a tough economic go just renforces the whole entitled cop stereotype. People lose respect for the badge, and that's when people listen to movie security over PD.

Instead, take these inevitable cuts, and use them to start drumming up positive PR. Yes PR, that stands for PUBLIC RELATIONS, which SPD has done a dog shit job at. Take these cuts that are going to happen and tell us how you'd prefer to keep everybody but the economy's tough and you have to do what's best for the city. We know that's what you think you're doing now, but please, bear with us. You take these layoffs in stride, play up the whole Joe Sixpack thing that was so popular during the recent elections, trying and buck that hardass, entitled cop stereotype so you can work on looking sympathetic to the public. It's not gonna be easy, but it's easier than kicking and screaming like fucking babies.

Then, when public perception is more positive, campaign for another Measure W-like thing while property values are in the fucking toilet. That way, there's no possible way you can overestimate the funding you'll get from that measure. Then, when the housing market bounces back (and we know shit looks bleak right now, but it will) you'll have fucking boatloads of cash to hire everybody back, plus the 40 guys Measure W was supposed to hire.

We're no economists. Hell, there's probably an assload of flaws in the scenario I just presented. But frankly PD has a huge PR problem right now and bitching about layoffs that almost every sector of society has already had to deal with isn't going to solve the problem.

Quick Links for Jan 16th

At last, Sexy Friday is here. This Sexy Friday is extra sexy because of the 3-day weekend and the last weekend of good football before the sports media crushes our will to live with soft news stories about shit various NFL players have had to overcome to get to the Superbowl. Pretty much this Friday is super sexy because with Super Bowl media week coming up and the nation is preparing to collectively blow Barack Obama on Tuesday and this it's the last time we'll wake up and not briefly consider throwing our TVs out the window until sometime after Valentine's Day. In short, fuck the media for the next couple weeks (us included. No really, I could use the slump buster). On to the Quick Links.

Note to self: Never get drunk and pass out around Susan Eggman

Out of all the blogs Recordnet has, we probably visit David Siders' with the most frequency (outside of feverishly reloading Joe Goldeen's gas blog every 5 mins to see if Costco still has the cheapest gas). Sure, Fitzy posts more, but his shit is usually self-serving and boring as fuck. Plus it's where he stashes all those updates on the Delta Queen that only he cares about. Siders on the other hand gives us hilarious window into the "exciting" world of city government. What can we see through that window? That the city council is apparently run with the organizational skills of a summer camp.

Yes, they actually went around the room and had everyone introduce themselves and tell the room something nobody in the room knows about you. Susan Eggman was a self-described pecker-checker in the military, known for her vasectomies and circumcisions. Which explains, well, a lot. The most shocking revelation was that somebody there admitted to being a Cardinal fan (a season ticket holder at that!). And of course, it wouldn't be the city if somebody didn't take what's supposed to be something silly and fun and bring the room down. Enter HR Director and lover of dark chocolate Dianna Garcia! She acknowledged that she's somewhat unpopular amongst certain labor circles (specifically with the ex-mayor's wife. But who gives a shit what she thinks? She's gone).

Ann Johnston also returned to form. After spending the better part of 2008 slinging as much mud as she could get her hooves on, she started off (well, you know, after the whole introduction thing) the goal-setting meeting with "There will be no finger pointing or blame or looking back." She also may or may not have noted that Clem Lee was going to start that negative campaign any day now.

Really? No really, Really!?

We're going to preface this by saying we understand the Cleveland school shootings affected Stockton more than we could comprehend at the time. We were all just starting school around then (not Cleveland though) so I can only guess what my parents thought sending their first born off to school only to have another elementary school get shot up 6 months later. But, and I'm trying to be as measured and tactful as possible, that was 20 fucking years ago.

If you've lived in Stockton for the better part of 2 decades, there's a good chance someone's pulled a gun on you. Ignoring that, in 20 years there's a good chance you've experienced something mentally scarring like a near-death experience, the untimely death of a loved one, or catching your roommate masturbating in the living room after you took an impromptu sick day (we've since burned that couch cushion). Shit just happens, then you deal with it.

Which is why the story of Sarah Garcia perplexes us. She wasn't even actually shot at. She wasn't even on the fucking playground. She was safe, under her desk, in a classroom. Yet, just the thought of being present at a place where a shooting occurred apparently caused 20 years worth of mental damage. Get the fuck over it.

Now, I know people are going to think we're being callous, but hear me out. This lady's problem isn't some shooting that she happened to be present for but didn't witness. If it's taken her 20 years to muster up the courage to just drive by her old school, she's not exactly the strongest-minded person in the world. She thinks nobody will be at the school on the anniversary of the biggest thing that happened to it. She claims she didn't care that the kids laughed at her for jumping under her desk at the first sign of a loud noise, but then decided on home schooling for the rest of her academic career.
Let's face it, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Chances are, if that shooting doesn't happen, something else would have happened later on in her life and taken the same effect. Like the Baskin Robbins robbery. Or the death threat phoned in to the medical facility. Or someone telling her that those jeans make her ass look fat (which isn't a good idea regardless of the woman's mental strength).

And to think, we still have a whole weekend of this shit. Including a 12-page special about it on Sunday. 12-pages!? That's just 2 less than the A-section had today.

Maybe we're just dicks, but then again, we're not the one's still hung up on shit that happened during the first Bush administration.

So how was that for measured and tactful?

El Guapo brings you great deals on mp3 players!

After procrastinating until the last possible second to check out what kind of sales they had at Mervyns, you can bet I'll be one of the first people in line when Circuit City starts liquidating it's inventory. Hopefully the nerds coming to get a discount on computer software and video games will be more civil than the last day at Mervyns. 90% off everything plus women plus the economy equaled martial law. I'm surprised I got out of there with the clothes I was wearing. Luckily, when you dress like a borderline homeless man like I do, nobody mistakes you for a mannequin.

Next up, local boy goes to state finals of POG tournament

We hate to make fun of myRecord because it's just wayyyy too easy. It'd be like making fun of the kids on the short bus. But today's was particularly funny if for no other reason than we didn't know they still had Pokemon turnaments. Hell, we didn't even know they still made Pokemon cards. This makes El Duke happy because it keeps his hopes of entering an NES-tournament and school kids with his Power Glove Wizard-style alive. And he's always really wanted to take a cross country trip with Jenny Lewis.

Also, that cat photo was adorable.

Actual good ideas on recordnet? Excuse me while I got salt down the icy spots from where Hell just froze over

We'e had our fair share of fun at the expense of Recordnet.com over the past 6 months. Hell, we'll be having some more next week when we post a revised top 5 things needed to improve recordnet.com. But there are rare times when they have a good idea without our help.

One of the issues we had in the original Recordnet Top 5 was the fact that some stories that appear in the Record don't appear on the website. Unfortunately we used like the worst example possible. Plus we've pretty much grown used to the whole "stay tuned tomorrow" thing. We get it, peeps is busy and they need time to do actual research. Being the stoned test monkeys that we are, we neglected to think about the opposite. Web exclusive articles that don't appear in the Record.

Now, we'll touch on this a little bit later when we talk about the Record's redesign, but judging by the subjects of the web exclusive content (from here on out referred to as "websclusive". We're not totally sure how that s snuck in their either) it appears that the Record's slowly gearing it's website towards the local young people. You know, building a web readership for when the Record print edition downgrades itself to a pamphlet. Which is kind of a smart idea. Which scares me. All smart ideas at the Record are supposed to be swatted down by management because they would cost too much or they just don't like change (or don't know how to enact it).

We're also pretty sure Record management treats the internet like my grandma did after I set up her computer for it. Can't you just imagine The Coozer pointing the mouse at the computer and clicking it like a remote and asking the webmaster how to check "the MySpace"?

We'll be back a little later today to discuss the redesign. Duke should be by shortly to give us some Shit to do and then we'll all hunker down for a 3-day weekend of binge drinking and video games. I know, you're jealous of our glamorous lifestyles.

Shit to do for the weekend of Jan. 9th-11th plus a bonus desperate plea for my sanity!

Before we get to the Shit To Do, I gotta extend my own special "Fuck you in a fresh knife wound" to the Record for killing 209Vibe. Tracking down shows for this post took fucking forever. Everybody's ceased posting shows on 209Vibe.com even though the 209Vibe MySpace indicates the recently fauxhawked Ian Hill is working to keep at least the website alive. They're not going to keep it if everybody drops it like a bad habit. They're still posting content (remember that kickass blog link from the Quick Links? Where else can you see a Record writer tell a local reality show star participant "fuck you?" Where was this during Queen Emily's reign of terror?) so visit that bitch so I can in turn use the events calendar and not spend forever hunting down fucking shows.

Sexy Friday 1/9

Honestly, I have no idea what's going on tonight. I personally plan on drinking myself silly, but what else is new? Fats usually has a band on Fridays and Saturdays. So go there or something. According to Ian Hill's cut-and-paste job final local music column PushPushPull and the Great Giveaway are playing at Eureka Coffee in Lathrop at 8pm. TBA cover though.

Saturday 1/10

Oh hey look! Shows! Brassai, Operocia (former Ocean Evaporate), and The Box Opera are playing the Blackwater at 7:30. $5 Brassai is pretty bad ass, but nothing compared to...

Filbert, Descolada, Gregory Michael and Alitak playing a free show at Empresso Coffee also at 7;30. Considering I've told Mike of Alitak I'll go to his show the past 4 shows only to be to lazy to go when the time came, I'll probably go to this. I'll be the one heckling them for playing at a place that doesn't serve beer. FREE

Sunday 1/11

Fuck, Slick stole my thunder. Spend your day watching football then head on down to the Civic Auditorium and get dumb. That's right E-40 makes his triumphant return to Stockton. Well, as triumphant as a show that's received absolutely no advertising can be. Wasn't this hyphy thing supposed to be a huge movement? Don't let Mac Dre's death be in vain! I've been a big 40 fan ever since I heard him busting rhymes on the Too Short classic "Just Like Dope", which is quite possibly the truest song of all time. Either way, it should be a fairly entertaining show. 7:30 $30-$40

Almost forgot one grievance...

It's no secret we're not bug fans of Christmas here. Biggest reason why? I'm posting this on my cell phone using mobile web while stuck in traffic on Pacific Ave. All I want to do is go to the bank to deposit my paycheck. But instead I gotta wait 3 stoplight cycles behind proscrastinating dickweeds who don't know there's other places to shop besides the fucking malls. In conclusion, I'd like to quote former News10 anchor Dana Jacobsen. Fuck Jesus.

Kings Kolumn: The impromptu, barely-coherent ramblings of a frustrated Kings fan in which I somehow argue for and against the firing of Reginald Theus

(Ed. note: Yeah, sorry for the late start. Hopefully we've conditioned you to not expect much on Mondays by now.)

I hadn't planned on doing a Kings Kolumn today, but news happened so I felt compelled to. The following isn't very good. At best it's the ramblings of a Kings fan who was forced to go from "relaxed, whatever happens, happens" mode to the end of his rope in about 15 mins. It's what our friend B at the H2O Poetry Slams would call "organic". And it still contains more original analysis than what Highfill will give you tomorrow. What should be the topic of his entire column will be a bullet point so he can make a joke about St. Mary's that roughly 15 people will get. If they're feeling frisky they might reprint Amick's column. I wouldn't hold my breath. So feel free to print this up, bust out the glue stick, and paste this right over Ol' Bulletpoint's ramblimng mashup of topics. The following may be rambling, but at least it's about a single fucking topic. Which brings us to our topic...

Fuck

If you haven't heard by now allow me to shit in your salad. The Kings fired Reggie Theus this morning. It wasn't a particularly surprising move considering he's been on the hot seat before the season even fucking started. It's just frustrating. Frustrating and infinitely fucking depressing.

It's frustrating because, as I've said before, Reggie Theus did not injure this team. He didn't sprain Kevin Martin's ankle. He didn't peer pressure Brad Miller into smoking that joint. He didn't trade our best defensive player during the offseason. Reggie Theus did the best that he could with what he had (which right now isn't much) and did a passable job. We've beaten two of the best teams in Western Conference without our best player. If that's not a passable job, I don't know what is.

I've spent the past season and a half on various Kings sites talking about expectations. I consider last season to be successful because the team exceeded my expectations for the year. I knew they weren't going to make the playoffs and I just wanted them to play an exciting brand of basketball. Go ahead and be bad, but be entertaining while you do it. Sure that may seem like a low set of expectations, but anybody who witnessed the year under Musselman knows that asking for entertaining ball from a team that was largely unchanged from the Muss year was asking for a lot.

This season I had similar expectations. Only the most optimistic fan thought we were going to make the playoffs. In the 07-08 season 50 wins was the threshold for making the playoffs in the west. I'd have danced in the street if we hit 41 wins. With the trade of Ron Artest the message was clear to most fans, we're going young. But apparently everybody forgot what "going young" meant after the season started.

Going young means sacrificing traditional measures of success. This season's success was never going to be measured by the number of wins and losses. This season was supposed to be measured by player development. Player development that's all fucked to shit now because team brass was impatient. That's perhaps one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing. They took an uncertain situation and made it even uncertainer. We all kind of got the hint that Reggie wasn't long for this world after the team didn't pick up his '09-'10 season option. We really knew he wasn't when Joe Maloof tore apart his defensive prowess (along with now interim coach Kenny Natt's) on KHTK.

By the time we reached the Laker game last Tuesday we all knew that barring some sort of miracle Theus wasn't going to be coaching the team next season. Theus was for all intents and purposes his own interim coach following the debacle against Utah. Then some sort of miracle happened and the Kings beat the Lakers, and then hung around with them that Friday and everyone pretty much declared Reggie's job safe for the season barring some sort of apocalyptic collapse at home against an east coast team they should be able to handle. Oh fuck.

And like that, he's gone. Patience is at a premium in sports, especially with head coaching jobs. But this has to be one of the rare instances where the owners showed less patience than the fans. Like I said before, the Maloofs haven't seen a team this bad before. We have, we had to suffer through the Gary St. Jean years. The Maloofs are different fans than us. For them, this is the lowest of the low. For us, this doesn't even touch the '89-'90 season. Maybe that's where the problem lies. Our expectations for the "bad" part of "bad, but entertaining" were different than the Maloofs' expectation of bad. They see "Remember the Spartans" and go "Wow, that's the worst thing ever" and then we go "You think that's bad? Here's a dvd of 'A Walk to Remember.'" (Fuck, that movie scarred me for life. I still haven't forgiven that ex. Yes, I was whipped beyond whipped back then.)

Now, I'm not saying Theus didn't deserve any of this. His end of the season clusterfuck where he wouldn't stop talking to the media probably accelerated matters. The team also was sorely lacking in areas that can really only be attributed to the coach. Effort and motivation. That's how a team can beat the Lakers one night, then go down by 25 in the first quarter to the Knicks on another. While you can blame a lot of the teams inconsistency on youth (and I do, a lot), the team's inconsistent effort can solely be blamed on Theus. If you can't motivate your players to give 100% every game then...well, you get fired. I just don't think he should've been fired now.

What does firing him now accomplish? Well, fucking nothing. It just breeds more uncertainty after everybody thought we had just gotten through all of that bullshit with the Laker win. If anything, the team played poorly because they had that air of uncertainty around them. Vanquishing the Lakers was supposed to lift the air of uncertainty. Now it's even more uncertain than before. We just got finished with a guy who was a massive media distraction (Artest) and now we have to deal with questions about the next coach. Did Martin give the team and ultimatum? Had the team tuned him out? Did Jason Levein have anything to do with it? Our nice, quiet, entertaining season is now the same uncertain bullshit as it's been for the past 3 years.

As fans we were able to accept the team sucking because at least we had a plan, develop young talent and clear up cap space for 2010. Sure it was the same plan every other team has but it's a fucking plan. We knew where we were going and Geoff Petrie was executing the plan exactly how we all thought it was going to go. Now? Who the fuck knows. The outlook is bleak. Am I being somewhat of a fatalist? Yeah, but you look at the list of available, experienced head coaches and you try and have a sunny outlook for the team's future (I accidently thought the words "Coach Flip Saunders" and threw up in my mouth a little bit). At least with Reggie we always had the hope that he'd grow out that glorious mustache.

A plea for a Plea

As a lifelong Stockton resident I've seen a lot of change in this city. Growth has obviously been the biggest change, but there's always been one major constant. People under the age of 35 have been roundly ignored by local leaders. There's been plenty of examples of this over the years. Whether it's the booking of Neil Diamond, opening up a teen center that's usually closed by dusk, or fast-tracking places like Paragary's and the artist formerly known as the Sheraton while making Middagh jump through hoops to get a downtown music venue built. The generational gap is enormous and signs don't really point towards it closing any time soon.

Not that I can blame them, I have a teenage brother and I can't understand half the shit he finds hilarious. He asked me to Netflix "Epic Movie" for him once and he thought it was the funniest thing ever. The only conclusion I could come to at the time was that he must have discovered drugs, but that movie's not even funny when you're stoned. Trust me. I had to unfortunately chalk it up to a generational gap, and we're only 10 years apart in age. I can only assume what people 10-15 years older than me think of my generation's predilections.

The difference in the gaps between city leaders/young folk of Stockton and my brother and I is that my brother and I have found a common ground to bridge that gap. We're both big fans of Mixed Martial Arts. We both thoroughly enjoy "Spongebob Squarepants" (although to be fair, who doesn't enjoy Spongebob?). And we're both unabashed fantasy football junkies. Sure we may not agree on everything (and who does?), but I've grown to at least respect my little brother's tastes because we share at least some of them. Even if I really want to say "Fuck! 'The Suite Life with Zack and Cody' again? How many times can you watch this shit?"

We haven't found that common ground with Stockton yet, although we may be close. When David Rea won the Stocktonian of the Year award for his contributions to the art community, Slick rightfully asked what the fuck they were talking about. That's because our definition of art is different from the definition people who have juice in this town uses. Art to them is paintings and symphonies. Which is why people were bemoaning the fact that the Stockton Symphony's spring concert series had been cancelled. To the older generation, that's less of their high class definition of art.

For us, it was no big deal because Stockton's art community has been thriving over the past year (especially musically). But that's because we have a wider definition of the term "art". As far as we're concerned, what I'm doing right now is art. This blog is art. Sure, it's not some faggy wine and cheesefest but it's something creative. Middagh's band Novacain may be the very definition of the word art, but many in the community probably wouldn't give them a second chance because all they hear is noise. Pretty sad for a town with a street named after Dave Brubeck.

If we're ever going to bridge that generational gap we're going to need to merge our definition of art with their's. And we have a chance to do just that tomorrow at the Plea for Peace Center permit hearing at city hall. We have a chance to say "Hey, we like art, just like you guys!" and hopefully gain some gain some modicum of respect from our elders.

Now, I know what you're thinking "if they don't like us, fuck them". And I understand that line of thinking. I used to be as rebellious as the next guy. But rebelling only gets you so far. After a while it just becomes cynical bitching, and that would make you a hipster. You don't want to be a hipster do you? Nobody respects those douchebags. And that's what a lot of it's about. Respect.

Respect from city leaders, respect from the rest of the art community, and perhaps most importantly; respect for ourselves. It's why the Plea for Peace Center is such a great idea. Art can be a great catharsis (again, especially in music), doing this blog has been one of the most cathartic things I've ever done. But it's the kind of catharsis that matters.

I can't even count the number of shows I've been to that have been shut down prematurely due to fights or senseless property destruction. That's bad catharsis (for the venue. Don't worry, we still love fighting, just in the right places. Like octagons). Unfortunately that's also grouped in with the rest of us just looking to go to a show.

That's why Mike Park started the Plea for Peace Foundation. He saw the negativity that just oozed out of Woodstock 99 and wanted to show that that doesn't represent the art community as a whole. Some of us just like to go to shows and have a nice, drama-free night. You know, at a place where people have respect for each other. And hopefully that's what the Plea for Peace Center will be.

will it happen? Frankly, I don't know. I sure hope so. I know the word "peace" in the name of the venue scares a lot of people. It's not going to be some anti-war, hippie love-in. We just want peace. Peace between the generations, if the quotes in the 209Vibe cover story showed anything it's that we feel there's somebody warring with our art community, trying to hold us back. Peace between ourselves where one doesn't have to worry about getting in a fight because someone caught an errant fist to the nuts during some hardcore dancing. Will it work? I don't know. Nobody knows for sure. But I do think we deserve the chance. And really, that's all we are saying. Give peace a chance.

We swear this is the last election post

Yesterday we gave some time to now Mayor-elect Ann Johnston to state her case. Now, to be fair, we're giving the man she defeated, Clem Lee, a timely rebuttal. (Again, of course, totally fake)

So, ya wanna negative campaign do ya? *hiccup* I'll give you a fucking negative campaign! *takes swig from flask* Ann Johnston...*burp* she's...she's a fucking bitch! You know that area behind Super Wal-Mart? All her fucking idea! 

*takes another swig*

I can't believe that bitch tried to blame that budget thing on me! What the fuck you think she's going to do? She's going to blow the whole budget on shoes! And...and *hiccup* I don't even like those fucking burgers! Ten fucking dollars? I had to loan myself 50 grand just to keep my campaign afloat! You think I can afford a $10 burger? Those cocksuckers didn't pass on any of that subsidy money to the people. That's not my fault, it's the asshole who runs the place's fault!

*takes particularly long swig*

And I can't fucking believe she brought up that goat thing! Yeah, so what if I fucked a goat? Have you seen me? No human would fuck me! But if Ann Johnston wants a negative campaign, I'll give that rusty fucking cunt a negative campaign!

*vomits barely digested Jack Daniels all over self*

I'll give you a God damn negative campaign. That goat's name was ANN FUCKING JOHNSTON! That's right! Ann Johnston is a fucking goat! She even let me take a naked picture of her:

Now you know why she looks like the bastard child of Skeletor and a llama! *wrings out shirt into shot glass, downs regurgitated JD* I fucked that goat and I fucked her good, and she loved every second of it. She even borrowed my razor the next day to shave off her goatee. That bitch didn't even ask! You know how disgusting goat hair is? *hiccup*

So, in conclusion, Ann Johnston's a bitch! And a shaved goat.

*vomits, passes out in puddle of own vomit*

Wait, so downtown isn't the only problem? You don't say...

Yesterday Mike Fitzgerald wrote a fairly interesting column about various local candidates using the public's general disdain towards the city's recentish downtown spending in their campaign literature. Fitzy, being a unabashed downtown supporter, was dismayed that candidates would be campaigning against downtown and said, "to blame downtown alone betrays a disturbing ignorance of city financials." To which we reply, no shit Sherlock.

Of course Stockton's budget problems can't solely be blamed on downtown subsidies. Anybody who believes that is a fucking moron. Downtown is just the most visibile/popular problem. Partially because the only people who really wanted downtown revitalized in the first place were politicians (and, of course, Fitzy), and partially because they've been doing so at ludicrious speed. Especially ludicrious because it involves a government of some sort, and anybody who's been to the DMV lately knows speed isn't their strong suit.

But ignoring all of that, Fitzy ignores the one thing that everybody should be conditioned to know by now in this seemingly endless election season (one more day!). He's ignoring the fact that campaigns that say the problems with the budget are because we're a city of low income familes and old parks that don't have self-taxation districts would be insinuating that the solution is taxes.

We're not saying that part of the solution isn't higher taxes (because unfortunately it probably is, the rich aren't coming downtown so we can tax them), but tell us, who the fuck is the last candidate who won an election by saying we're not paying enough taxes? And even if they did say it, they definitely wouldn't put it on their campaign mailers.

Of course Fitzy sees these mailers and thinks those candidates are just going to abandon downtown, which is a huge stretch of logic. Instead, and we know this is a novel fucking concept, how about just stopping putting as much money downtown as we are (the other possible, non-taxation solution)? You know, slow the fuck down and let downtown build a decent crowd before building a huge, fancy hotel for our non-existant tourists complete with another expensive resturant?

That part might be the most depressingly hilarious part of Fitzy's entire column. He says part of the solution is "okaying only subdivisions that are 'revenue neutral' and reducing city expenditures below revenues." Which apparently shouldn't apply to downtown because another solution to fix Stockton's bugetary problems is to "offer coastal employers and high wage earners a downtown with amenities they demand." A. Isn't that what we've allegedly been doing? And B. High wage earners? I thought the problem was that we didn't earn enough God damn money. You said it yourfuckingself just 12 paragraphs ago!

Which of course brings us to the last problem, The fact that the city spent too much time catering to out-of-towners and the few high wage earners that we do have. Instead of, you know, the people who actually live here. And that's what those campaign mailers are really about.

Hell, that's what this entire election, local and national, has been about. Government has spent too much time catering to those with money, while those of us who don't have any feel like we've been left out in the cold. A $10 burger, the Sheraton, Neil Diamond, and overused political buzzwords like "hope" and "change" are just easily recognizable symbols of our city's...hell our nation's disaffection with the government right now.

We're not saying we have the solutions. Shit, we're not even saying we're right. Even if the city didn't subsidize anything we'd still have a huge gaping hole in the budget. What we're saying is that they're very clearly subsidizing the wrong things. If they were the right things they'd be generating that revenue they're supposed to be and not getting forclosed on.

It's time for some good ol' fashioned hate

It being Halloween and all, I figured it might be a good idea to throw a Halloween post up here. Plus if I've found I do anything good it's conveying my complete and utter contempt for something. Which reminds me, I fucking hate Halloween.

Halloween didn't do anything to me personally, it's just a matter of circumstance. Over the years the bane of my existance, Christmas season, seems to arrive earlier and earlier each year. It used to start the day after Thanksgiving, and I had grown to accept that. Within the past couple years though, stores seem to have decided to say "fuck it" and skip Thanksgiving all together and extend the Christmas season to begin on November 1st.

You may write me off as some sort of Scrooge, and you'd probably be correct, but please hear me out. I've worked various retail jobs and if there's anything that makes a guy want to set their eardrums on fire it's 2 straight months of Christmas music. Do you have any idea how many different versions of "Jingle Bell Rock" their are? I'm almost positive it's in the thousands. And stores are determined to play every last God damn one. Oh hey, listen! It's a lounge singer version of "White Christmas"! It hasn't snowed in Stockton in almost 20 fucking years, and even that only barely counted. Plus the only funny lounge covers are of rap songs.

But don't think that my hatred for Halloween is exclusive to the fact that I wish I could just hibernate from Nov. 1st until December 31st. It's also because I've only had a few opportunities to properly celebrate it. When most people get too old to trick or treat, they start the drinking portion of Halloween celebrating. Not me. I had to grow up in a Mormon household. You ever been to a Mormon Halloween? You can't even watch the good fucking horror movies because R rated movies are off limits. Ever spent a Halloween watching Domestic Disturbance? Talk about fucking scary. I still haven't forgiven them for what they tried to do to Vince Vaughn.

Perhaps most egregious of all is the fact that if you go to a Mormon Halloween party, none of the girls let their inner slut out. (And trust me, it's in there) They keep those hushpuppies locked up tight. Halloween was made for women to parade their cans around like the whole world's a fucking renaissance fair. One of my friends posted pictures from a Halloween party she went to on her MySpace, and as far as I could tell she went as a walking tittyfuck waiting to happen. I'm sure there was an actual costume concept in their somewhere but I couldn't take my eyes off of her motorboat bait to be able to discern what it was.

That's what Halloween is all about. I'm not saying I'm going to hate Halloween forever. I'm just saying I have to make up for lost time. So ladies, if you see me and my halfro at the various parties I'll be hitting up tonight, feel free to offer up those mammaries and let a brother play catch up.

Top 5 comics that should replace those other 5

Before we get on with the top 5, we should probably clarify something. If a comic wasn't in the last top 5, that's not an endorsement of that comic. The 5 we listed were just the cream of the suck crop. We actually only read about 4 comics that the Record prints: Get Fuzzy, Zits, Dilbert, and Pearls Before Swine. So as you can see, we didn't want to post a negative, completely juvenile list of shitty comics. We just couldn't come up with a top 5 list of comics they print that we like. It's really their fault. So in the interest of shedding that negativity, we're providing you with this helpful list of comics to replace the last 5. That's right, we're solution oriented. Just wait until we write the top 5 things needed to improve Stockton's music scene (spoiler alert! #1 is the ritual execution of all screamo bands). But until then...

Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5

1. Rubes

It may surprise you to know that we're aware of 5 comics that the Record doesn't print. It surprised us too until we realized that we read a combined minimum of 3 papers a day. We're admitted journonerds. Rubes isn't in any paper we read. We stumbled upon it getting links for this and the last top 5. It's a shame it's not printed because it brings back fond memories of perrenial favorite The Far Side. Note to F-Minus, this is how you do offbeat humor. Plus we're suckers for the name. Especially after we started our rube of the month club. Speaking of offbeat humor...

2. Garfield Minus Garfield

Ok, so this is a net comic. That doesn't make it any less fucking hilarious. We'll let Garfield Minus Garfield's creator explain the concept (that's right, we learned how to block quote kinda):

"Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb."

Kinda makes actual Garfield make a whole lot more sense doesn't it? I always wondered why he let his fat ass cat boss him around. Even Garfield creator Jim Davis thinks it's cool to the point where they're releasing one of those Garfield books fat lonely people always buy, but without Garfield. If he can see the light, so can the Record.

3. Drabble

See, we're not just doing comics only people with our sense of humor would like. Although we kindof like Drabble, so maybe we are. Either way, this is a decent comic that's kind of a middle ground choice. It's not the best comic out their by our comedic standards, but then again not every comic can be Pearls Before Swine (our absolute favorite). Plus my dad always liked Drabble, so soft spot. (All together now, awwwwww.)

4. Brevity

Another classic example for F-Minus at offbeat humor done right. This one actually might have been in the Record for like half a second if our booze addled minds serve us correctly. Either that or we saw it in the Chronicle. Either way, quality comic.

5. Marmaduke

Because let's face it, Marmaduke is just fun to say. Plus we gotta throw the old people a bone. Yes, this is a blatant attempt to butter them up to let us have a Plea for Peace Center.

Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch

When we heard the news that cartoonist Berkeley Breathed was retiring (again), and ending his comic Opus, we were kind of sad. Sad because Opus was one of the few actually funny comics out there, and kind of because the Record stopped printing it a while ago. Too political apparently. Pussies. Also kind of because we don't really read comics that much anymore. The Record's comics page has always sucked. Which is surprising considering they do surveys periodically and actually seem to make changes based on our input. They must have lost our survey card. They also ignore common sense. Like the last survey they did resulting in, if memory serves correct (have to go by memory, there's no link to those stats. Or at least I pray to God there isn't), "Zits" being one of the higher rated comics. Yet they neglect to include it in the Sunday comics. "Get Fuzzy" is also one of the better comics that's featured in the Mon-Sat editions, but omitted from Sunday. Yet, for some unknown reason, they continue to print "Cathy" every Sunday. And "Classic Peanuts". That shit wasn't funny the first time around. If that's a classic then where the hell is the classic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Prince fucking Valiant? What the fuck is that shit?

So without further blabbering, here's the...

Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch

1. "Watch Your Head"

We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?

2." F-Minus"

Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?

3. "Family Circus"

Where's the fucking joke?

I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.

4. "Mutts"

Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).

5. "Dennis the Menace"

A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.

Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.

Our first induction into Stockton's rube of the month club

Thanks to the wonderfulness of the internet, I've pretty much heard every scam attempt known to man. Some of the pitches are pretty good, but even with the best ones, you'd have to be a complete moron (or really really old) to buy into any of them. Fortunatly for con artists, Stockton's full of morons (and old people). Case in point, the story today that a man got duped out of $2,000 by a guy who approached him outside of a Home Depot.

After reading the article numerous times, I can only come to the conclusion that this guy is the biggest rube in all of Stockton...for this month. So please join me in welcoming our newest feature...

Stockton's Rube of the Month

Let's break down just how much of a rube he is, shall we?

So here's how the con goes. A 31-year old Stockton man, let's call him "Mark", is approached by a guy in his mid-20s who claims he's leaving for Africa and would like to leave bundles of cash at some church.

Let's break down just the setup first. For one, why was a guy leaving for Africa hanging out in a Home Depot parking lot? Is he leaving the country or looking for work? And Africa? Really? Was he some South African Prince who wanted to leave Mark money after he paid the requisite $2000 transfer fee? Second, and I haven't been to church in a while so I may not be up to speed on how they do things these days, but who donates money by leaving bundles of cash at the door? But let's move on.

During the conversation, another guy comes by to join the conversation. Now this is where it gets really good/confusing. The Africa guy then proceeds to tell the two men that if they can prove they have their own money, he would leave the bundles of "cash" with them.

Ummm, what? So he was going to ditch the church in exchange for giving the money to two dudes he met at a Home Depot? Did he somehow dupe Mark into thinking there was a $2000 transfer fee for leaving bundles of cash on a church doorstep? How the fuck does this part, the key part to the con, make any sort of fucking sense?

Apparently Mark couldn't be bothered with these basic questions involving common sense, he was off to the bank to take out the cash. Which is hilarious because the nearest bank to that Home Depot is either by the Raley's shopping center or the Union Safe/Starbucks over on Hammer and West. Man, for a guy who is in such a rush to get to Africa that he's leaving bundles of cash with strangers he met at a Home Depot, our con man sure is patient.

So patient in fact that when Mark returns with the cash, which was promptly "bundled up" and "handed back" to Mark, the con man decides he's going to go to lunch with the 3rd man who showed up. Which Mark has no problem with as he heads home with bundles that he eventually finds out are full of newspapers (The Coozer is already trying to find a way to add Mark to the Record's circulation numbers).

So let's recap, guy gives guy he met at Home Depot $2000 for alleged bundles of cash that he's being given for no discernable reason. This is pretty much the laziest con of all time. If some guy approached me in a Home Depot parking lot asking for $2000 my house (hypothetical house, I'm not retarded enough to buy property in this area and economic climate) better have a new roof, my parents' house better have a new roof, and his sister better have given me a blumpkin while their mother washed my balls with a towel moistened by Kim Kardashian's ass sweat before he gets any money. Trust me, I've worked at both of Stockton's Home Depots (I've worked everywhere in Stockton), and I wouldn't trust $2000 with the fucking manager (they'd lose the money while changing the schedule for roughly the 837th time that week).

In this economic climate these stories are going to become more and more common as people desperatly search for economic relief any way they can. But just because times are tough, it doesn't mean you shouldn't exercise common sense. If I've said it before, I've said it a thousand times, if it sounds too good to be true, guess what? It is.

By the way, congrats on winning the Mexican lottery. Didn't even know you entered you say? Well don't worry, we'll get you the 800 million pesos as soon as you pony up the $8000 wire transfer fee. Make the check out to "cash" please.

Hey, want to go downtown and see Religulous? Oh wait...

There's an assload of movies I've been meaning to go see over the past couple of weeks. One of them is the Bill Maher movie "Religulous". I've heard good things about it and naively assumed that our 16-screen downtown movie theater would be showing it when it's wide-release came around last Friday.

But that, of course, would make sense. It's not like they've been advertising it in our market. No, the closest movie theater playing it is the IMAX in fucking Dublin. Our theater has two screens dedicated to "Beverly Hills Chihuahua", two screens dedicated to "Eagle Eye", and what has to be a pity screen dedicated to the piece of shit that is "An American Carol", yet they can't squeeze in one screening of "Religulous"? The only real redeeming quality that theater has is its large quantity of screens that frees up room for smaller releases, and they never fucking do so. Want to draw people downtown? Show decent movies. Want to draw people to downtown Stockton from out of town show movies they can't see in their towns!

Or just show what every other movie theater is showing. No need to distinguish ourselves from movie theaters in other cities.