BWDW Special Edition: Goodbye Jack's Back

We hadn't really planned on doing a BWDW last week. Initially we were planning on doing 2 a month or so. Slick even planned on some gay camping retreat. But we got some horrific news last week that warranted doing this special edition of Bars We're Down With. We're ditching the typical scoring format because this isn't as much an induction as it is a eulogy. Jack's Back has closed down.

Jack's Back was also the first bar I was ever considered a regular at. Whenever I strolled in, Amanda (aka the best bartender ever) would have two Jagerbombs ready within the next minute. I don't even search the jukebox anymore. I just know that 7113 will get me Strokin' by Clarence Carter. 2502 will get me Night Moves by Bob Seger.

I've been trying to find a way to properly eulogize Jack's, and I realized I have more bar stories from Jack's than any other bar. So here's a few classic Jack's experiences over the years. If there's anybody reading this who has some, post them in the comments.

Jack's Back is the only bar that I've been 86'ed from and even that only lasted a grand total of 3 hours.

Owner Jack Morgan is a hilarious SOB and could be seen there most nights telling one of his 800,000 hilarious jokes, none of which I remember because I was usually 14 or 15 4 or 5 drinks in by the time he told me one.

His lady Sally once tried to kick us all out at midnight because she thought it was 2 am. After about 15 mins she realized she was wrong and bought us all a shot. We all needed a smoke break anyways.

The ongoing saga of Lynn's employment there has kept me entertained for the better part of the last 2 and a half years. One week she's there, then bam she's gone for a month. I never asked what happened, I just knew she'd probably be back within a couple weeks.

Jack's is the bar where a Mexican guy who I'd never met before and who didn't speak a lick of English walked up the bartender and pantomimed that he'd like to bum a smoke. When handed a cigarette he scowled and shook his head. He was asking the bartender if he could bum a joint.

I once relayed one too many bar stories to my girlfriend to the point that she thought I was cheating on her with Amanda and she forbade me from going there. So I broke up with her. I later found out she was cheating on me the whole time. Cunt.

To this day Wiley and I still believe some sort of black hole in the women's bathroom at Jack's ate the cueball.

And probably most important of all. Jack's Back is where I first got the nickname of The Duke.

The going away party was awesome. Within 10 minutes of being there some drunk lady was telling me she got a vibe from me that I was going to be a congressman or even President as long as I don't let a woman hold me back. Yes, Jack's was in full form Saturday. Nowhere was that more evident than during the roast session in the back amongst the most hardcore of Jack's regulars. I'm going to miss Karl. Jack himself failed to show up, which was disappointing. Everybody agreed that Amanda needed to be behind the bar but Action Jackson wasn't there to give it the OK. So we reminisced about the glory days of Amanda and Lynn's employment there. My best recollection is that I downed the last pitchers of Hefeweizen and Natty Light left in the taps. After an unusually early last call (about 1:15 bar time), I downed a final Jagerbomb with everybody's favorite bartender and headed out as my songs finally hit the jukebox. It was as fitting a goodbye to a good friend as I could've expected.

The first ever Bar We're Down With

Not to brag or anything, but we like to consider ourselves an accomplished group of drinkers. Mostly because there's absolutely nothing else to do in this town but get shitty drunk (and watch movies...while shitty drunk). So it seemed only natural that when Duke came aboard we would put our expertise together to give you a list of the best bars in the area.

There are some that are decent, but only these select few will be considered the cream of the crop, a full head, shoulders, and set of huge chesticles above the rest.

Two Fridays ago we posted the criteria, this week we bring you the first inductee in the inaugrual 2008 class of Bars We're Down With (name subject to change). It was a painstaking process to decide which bars to induct. Drinks were drank, girls were unsuccessfully hit on, fights happened, friendships forever altered.

In the end, we came up with a list that will probably change before the year is over. But for now we have an inductee. (Note: Inductees are inducted in no particular order) Following the meticulously laid out judging criteria, we give you...

Fats Bar and Grill Grill and Bar

Fats owner Ben on the left. The man, the myth, the legend, Muff on the right. Party bus in background.

Fat's has always been a place near and dear to our hearts. Duke spent at least a little bit of pretty much every day of 2007 there. They're always the first place we consider for Mardi Gras. And they have a fantastic crab feed every year. Not to mention that their yearly party bus to and A's game (pictured above) is an awesome excuse to start drinking at 8am on a Sunday.

When we were pretty much extensions of the bar stools the place was owned by Mike. Who's pretty much one of the awesomest dudes around. This year he sold the place to Fat's employees Ben (again, pictured above) and Teresa who have kept the torch of awesomeness alive and well. And of course before we go to the scorecards we would get our asses kicked if we didn't mention that Jenae is 35 different types of awesome. Of course, we've always had a soft spot in our hearts for former female high school wrestlers. Alright, to the judges...

Drink Prices: 7
Maybe as semi-regulars we're probably a bit biased in this (and probably all) categories. That being said I've never felt the prices at Fat's were unfair. They claim to be a restaurant first and a bar second but they still have prices on par with most bars. Going by memory I believe it's $3 for a domestic draft and $4 for an import. I could be off by a dollar or two, looks like I'll have to go back and do more research.

Variety and Quality of Alcohol: 9
Fats boasts an impressive collection of draft beers. Last I checked it was around 30 or so beers ranging from Budweiser to Fat Tire. And don't think we're just beer snobs here, they're collection of hard liquor is also quite a sight to behold. Including those fancy Jagermeister on tap machines (they have Patron ones too) and a Slushie machine that chugs out margaritas.

Proximity to Other Bars: 6
Fats is kind of on an island in it's shopping center. Tora Sushi and John's Incredible Pizza are the nearest establishments that serve alcohol, but those are primarily restaurants, and John's doesn't even have hard liquor. The Graduate is a short jaunt away as is BJ's and Chili's. If you're feeling frisky you can try going to Valley Brew. But if you do, please take a cab. Those UOP cops are always itching for someone to pull over.

Munchies: 10
This, above all else, is Fats' shining star. Their menu is downright impressive. If you're eating on the cheap you can get so Sopapillas. If you have a little bit of scratch to throw around I suggest getting a pizza. It is the unrivaled best pizza in Stockton. BJ's can suck a dick if they think they even belong in the same sentence as Fats'. If you feel like eating until you explode and throw up and eat some more, you can try the Fat's feast. It involves steak, ribs, and I think shrimp. But that's only if you feel like spending a month on the shitter.

Swimsuit Competition: 7
Last I checked, Fats had predominantly male bartenders. So we extended it to their waitresses too. Which is really where they shine in this category. Unfortunately, I think we've sat at a table at Fats all of twice. So we haven't exactly spent the optimal amount of time judging in this category. Luckily their score was also boosted by the women on the aforementioned party bus. Oh hey, more pictures...

Wow, maybe 7 was a bit conservative. Especially for that hottie in the back.

Now that we've gotten that pesky scorecard out of the way, we'll each give you our parting words. More than likely these will be super inside stories that only 4 people will get. But hey, that's how a lot of hall of fame-esque inductions go. We tried to track down Briss Issak, that's what delayed the post. If he sends me his piece before this gets posted Monday, it'll be here. If not, we've found someone even less dedicated than Duke is to Vegas Kings.

Since this is my site, I get to go first. And in honor of our missing friend, it'll only be one sentence. "I've never seen her be affectionate towards men before." Take it away Duke.

Doesn't that just mean...oh wait, we've been over this already. Like Slick stated earlier, I spent pretty much every day of 2007 in Fats. And as I've said before, I'm only half as much of an alcoholic as that statement makes me sound like. I used to work next door and am pretty much the reason for getting those two over to Fats. There's too many stories to tell, Slick touched on one. One of my favorites it when I soloed it to the Kings Viewing Party they held there last season. It resulted in one of my favorite articles/columns/posts I've ever written. So if we leave with anything it has to be the mental image of a man dressed like a lion signing autographs in a bar, then serving me a beer.

Say it isn't so

There's a nasty rumor going around that Valley Brew has ended their $5 pitchers on Sunday deal. If this is true, I'm deeply disappointed.

Introducing, Bars We're Down With

We finally got one of those recurring feature ideas. The tone on this site has been fairly negative. It's not an intentional move. I'm really a fairly easy going guy.

So in an effort to stay positive, we've decided to focus on the only real fun thing to do in this city. Getting falling down, crawling back to your car apartment drunk. So here it is...

Bars We're Down With

An easy description of this would be the SJ County Bar Hall of Fame. We're going to focus on bars that we consider the cream of the crop. If you think your bar deserves this distinction e-mail us.

Each bar will be carefully considered by a three person panel. Las Vegas Kings proprietor and new contributor El Duke and alleged RTC contributor, Briss Issak.

Don't think this is some arbitrary list of bars we can talk into giving us a drink discount. Although if any bar wants to do that, that would be awesome. To determine the bars on this list, we're going with a highly technical 10-point formula divided into 5 categories. Those categories are:

Drink Prices
This is an important category. Most of the time this is the deciding factor in where I choose to drink. This category eliminates places like Deja Vu's who charge roughly $35 for a drop shot and $8 for a bottle of Coors Light. Their $2 Tuesday deal is a steal though. So Deja Vu's would probably be something like a 2 on the 1-10 scale in this category. But let's face it, you weren't going there for the drink anyway.

Variety and Quality of Alcohol on Hand
This category is also important, but usually is at odds with the above category. We combined variety and quality into one category because they usually go hand in hand. If a bar has 20 or so beers on tap, chances are about half of them are quality brewskis while the rest are standard fair. (i.e. Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light. You know, water.) We also combined this for a place like Valley Brew which only has about 10 or so beers on tap, but they're all fucking awesome.

Proximity to Other Bars
Bar hopping is key to any good night of getting shitfaced. If a bar gets to be too crowded or becomes a sausagefest, you can just chug your beverage and head on over to the next watering hole and try again. This category was devised specifically for places like downtown Lodi where the beverage variety may be lacking at some bars, but just down the street is Lodi Beer Co. and half a dozen other bars.

Munchies
This one should be pretty self explanatory. What shit do they got to eat when you've finally decided to settle down for the night. Places that are restaurant/bar combos have a decided advantage in this category. But don't worry, that doesn't mean Applebees is going to show up in the Bar Hall. Granted, if a particular Applebees has a dynamite bar, then they might get inducted. But we've sat at all the bars at local Applebees, Chili's has way better bars, and they're not even close to making the list. This category is probably the least important, but still needed. Because Valley Brew's got some damn good yam fries and Fat's has the best pizza in the county. This is not open for debate. But let's move on to the best category imaginable, which is without a doubt the most important...

Swimsuit Competition
How would the bartenders (bartenderesses?) look in swimsuits? Some places you don't have to imagine that. (On the Beach, I'm looking at you.) Others, you wouldn't want to. (Sorry Stooges of Stockton, Ivan in a two-piece just isn't appealing.) Regardless it's important. El Duke used to drive from Stockton to Lodi after he got off work at midnight just to get an hour of drinking in at the bars over there just because of the hotness of the bartenders. This can be extended to the regulars too if a certain bar has smokin' regulars. Come on, alcoholics are sexy and you know it.


Starting next week we'll induct the first bar in the inaugural class of 2008. If you have a bar you think we haven't drank at that deserves consideration, let us know.

An article about beer? Of course I have to throw my expert opinion in

Ok, I love doing the local angle as much as anybody. This whole site is pretty much one big local angle. But this shit about Anheuser-Busch hurting Valley Brew's business by being able to give better gifts to bar owners is fucking ridiculous.

I'm not going to go to another bar more than Valley Brew because I like the fancy beer signs they were gifted by the beer companies. I go for the drinks. Namely, drink prices. It's why I don't frequent those "upscale" bars like Envy and Douche Touche/286/Brandenburgs. I don't give a shit if they slapped a new coat of paint on the Backdoor and put up a fancy curtain. Oh look, everybody's wearing a collared shirt, this place must be safe. Fuck that, I want low beer prices.

If I have money, or if it's $5 pitcher Sundays (the best deal in area by far), I'll head on over to Valley Brew because they have a quality beverage. Bud Light tastes like horse piss, but it's usually $2-$3. I'm not going to drnk Bud Light any more because Bud Light can pass out more swag. Have you seen the swag they pass out? Shitty bottle opener keychains that break as soon as you try and use it. Or you could get your picture taken with a sweaty dude in the Budman suit. It's not exactly enticing. (Not that I don't have a picture of a drunk me with Budman on my bulletin board, I'm just saying I don't drink more Bud because of it.)

Valley Brew shouldn't be worried because their demographic is different. The people who go to Valley Brew know they're getting a good beer. If they're drinking there, there's a pretty good chance that they know that Red Hook and Hef are owned by Budweiser's new Dutch overlords. If places like Valley Brew are really worried about losing business over higher quality swag, maybe they should stay open past fucking 11:30 on a weekend. That usually plays a huge factor into where I decide to drink. I could go to Valley Brew, except I'll have to leave at an early fucking hour to go to another bar since the city (allegedly) forced BullnBear to move downtown so there's no where else within walking distance to really go to. (That martini bar is ok, but everytime I've been there it's been a fucking ghost town) Or I could go to Fat's, which is open until 2 almost every fucking night of the week. Guess which one I choose? I go where I can plant my ass down and get shitty drunk and not have to worry about getting shuffled out at midnight. Not to mention I don't have to be forced to watch the shitty internet feed of a hockey game.

But Slick, they're from Stockton, you gotta support the local team!

I don't even watch pro hockey, why the fuck would I want to watch the minor league team for their minor league team? Especially when the players can't even stay sober enough to not fight each other.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The shittiness of arena tenants is for another post.

So while it's nice to get the local angle of a statewide problem, the Record's been going to that well a little bit too much lately. I want news in my newspaper, not an advertisement. The Record's got too many of those as it is.

Although George does look dead sexy pouring that IPA.