A quick lesson in marketing from El Duké

Alright, fuck this. I'm not letting this happen again. One of the biggest issues I had with the EliteXC fights a couple of months ago (besides the fact that I was in the minority that paid) was that whoever was in charge of advertising did a piss poor job. I'm no ad expert. Shit, I don't even watch Mad Men. But even I know that if you wait until the last possible second to advertise an event, nobody's going to show up. Then you're going to have to give away more than 50% of the tickets, and nobody will buy tickets next time around because they'll just wait for the week-of freakout where seemingly every radio station is giving away tickets. We all watched it happen with EliteXC and sadly it looks like it's happening again.

In less than a month the Kings are playing the Clippers in a preseason game at the Spanos Center. First time they've done so since the 80s (or early 90s if you want to count scrimmages with the Warriors). You probably wouldn't know about it unless you happened to catch the initial announcement a month ago. And that's really fucking depressing.

Most people who know me know that I'm a huge Kings fan. So when some of my not-so-tech savvy friends (i.e. friends over the age of 40) ask me about the game, I'm usually one of the only resources the have.

"When's the game?"
"Wed. October 15th"
"Who are they playing?"
"The Clippers."
"How much is it?"
"Tickets are between $10 and $250."

I've had that conversation roughly 800 times in the past week. Which shows me three things. A. I have too many friends over the age of 40. B. People are genuinely interested in the game. (Which is encouraging) and C. Whoever's in charge of advertising is doing a horrible job.

We're less than a month away from this game and people don't even know when the fuck it is. Like I said earlier, I'm not an ad guy, but even I know to properly advertise an event. You have to pound it into our skulls for about a month using every medium available so the ticket buying public (including the people who still haven't figured out how to send e-mail) actually knows when the game is and can budget for tickets accordingly. This is where EliteXC failed horribly. During the week preceeding the EliteXC fights, people would ask me what I was doing for the weekend and my response was universal. "I'm going to the fights." Sadly, the response to that was also universal. "What fights?"

When Stockton gets events like these they should be treated like the big fucking deal that they are. (Insert ironic "Event City" joke here) If you treat the events that actually choose to come to Stockton like they're just any old event, then they're going to be perceived as such. Now, I know we're all a little cautious to get excited about an event after the debacle that was the Stockton Rodeo. But this isn't some douchebag with a cowboy hat and a bag full of dreams, this is the fucking Maloof brothers we're talking about. If they're going to fuck us over, they'll probably do it with actual hookers.

Now of course this wouldn't be a proper post if I didn't blame somebody for whatever egregious error in judgement we're posting about. Unfortunatly with this situation, it's a complicated answer. It's pretty much everybody's fault.

It's IFG's fault because they've turned the Arena into such a money pit that the Kings were afraid that they wouldn't sell enough tickets to make the event seem respectable. Feel free to read that again. Let it sink in. A professional sports franchise wants so little to do with our Arena that they preferred to have a preseason game at a venue a quarter of the size of their normal venue as opposed to half. If you want any proof as to how shitty of a job IFG has done promoting the city and the arena, this is as good as an example as any I've heard.

It's also (obviously) The Record's fault. They're too busy telling us to go to their Literacy Fair, or assailing our eyeballs with Lori Gilbert's bullshit, or breaking the shocking news that Al Davis is fucking Looney Tunes, when they should really be beating it into our brains that we have an opportunity to show that can support and want decent sized events. I understand that they apparently have a sports staff of 3, but can't they at least fucking call Bobby Jackson and ask him about how it's going to feel playing in front of Kings fans again? I'm not even asking for hardball questions. I'm flat out begging for a puff piece on the Kings. Anything. ONE WEEK UNTIL TRAINING CAMP STARTS. Whoops, sorry. Got a little out of control there. But really guys, at least fake like you're making an effort.

It's also (sadly) the Kings' fault. As far as I can tell, they've also done jack shit to promote the event. Of course they could care less how they do here. They gave it a shot, if it doesn't work they'll just go back to having preseason games in Reno. But at the very least they could send Spencer Hawes down here to take hilariously awkward photos. (Yes, I'm almost certain that is the real Spencer Hawes' MySpace.)

And lastly, it's our fault. Yes, I mean you. I love being a cheap bastard as much as the next guy (and don't even get me started on Bris Isaak), but if you don't support at least some of the shit that comes our way nobody will come. We might have to pay money to see shitty acts like Brian Reegan or Gordon Lightfoot in order to get decent acts that don't cater exclusively to the Latino crowd. I know this may come as a shock, but steady ticket sales count. While I admire everyone's patience in waiting for radio freebies, those free tickets do jack shit for paid attendence figures. (You know, the important figures) (Note: I have no idea how this sentence got omitted from the original posting. Are we the only blog without fucking grammar Nazis ready to pounce at the misuse of a semi-colon?) Also, stop fucking attacking Morrissey when he graces us with his presence. That doesn't look good for other fucking awesome acts that otherwise wouldn't wipe their ass with our newspaper. (You think emo kids are bad? Imagine if we somehow booked Carlos Santana.)

COME TO OUR BOOK THING!

Does the Record have something going on today? I couldn't tell based on the 307 references to it in the Record this week. (OK, Google search only brings up 5, but look how god damn organized the results are.) They even invaded the fucking sports page! Funny, I don't remember the Record mentioning that same Slamson and Kings Cheerleaders when they came to Fats last year. EliteXC wishes they had gotten this kind of steady publicity. I don't exactly remember a full page feature for them. But thanks for the added meaning to the "shit noone will read" tag.

Introducing, Bars We're Down With

We finally got one of those recurring feature ideas. The tone on this site has been fairly negative. It's not an intentional move. I'm really a fairly easy going guy.

So in an effort to stay positive, we've decided to focus on the only real fun thing to do in this city. Getting falling down, crawling back to your car apartment drunk. So here it is...

Bars We're Down With

An easy description of this would be the SJ County Bar Hall of Fame. We're going to focus on bars that we consider the cream of the crop. If you think your bar deserves this distinction e-mail us.

Each bar will be carefully considered by a three person panel. Las Vegas Kings proprietor and new contributor El Duke and alleged RTC contributor, Briss Issak.

Don't think this is some arbitrary list of bars we can talk into giving us a drink discount. Although if any bar wants to do that, that would be awesome. To determine the bars on this list, we're going with a highly technical 10-point formula divided into 5 categories. Those categories are:

Drink Prices
This is an important category. Most of the time this is the deciding factor in where I choose to drink. This category eliminates places like Deja Vu's who charge roughly $35 for a drop shot and $8 for a bottle of Coors Light. Their $2 Tuesday deal is a steal though. So Deja Vu's would probably be something like a 2 on the 1-10 scale in this category. But let's face it, you weren't going there for the drink anyway.

Variety and Quality of Alcohol on Hand
This category is also important, but usually is at odds with the above category. We combined variety and quality into one category because they usually go hand in hand. If a bar has 20 or so beers on tap, chances are about half of them are quality brewskis while the rest are standard fair. (i.e. Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light. You know, water.) We also combined this for a place like Valley Brew which only has about 10 or so beers on tap, but they're all fucking awesome.

Proximity to Other Bars
Bar hopping is key to any good night of getting shitfaced. If a bar gets to be too crowded or becomes a sausagefest, you can just chug your beverage and head on over to the next watering hole and try again. This category was devised specifically for places like downtown Lodi where the beverage variety may be lacking at some bars, but just down the street is Lodi Beer Co. and half a dozen other bars.

Munchies
This one should be pretty self explanatory. What shit do they got to eat when you've finally decided to settle down for the night. Places that are restaurant/bar combos have a decided advantage in this category. But don't worry, that doesn't mean Applebees is going to show up in the Bar Hall. Granted, if a particular Applebees has a dynamite bar, then they might get inducted. But we've sat at all the bars at local Applebees, Chili's has way better bars, and they're not even close to making the list. This category is probably the least important, but still needed. Because Valley Brew's got some damn good yam fries and Fat's has the best pizza in the county. This is not open for debate. But let's move on to the best category imaginable, which is without a doubt the most important...

Swimsuit Competition
How would the bartenders (bartenderesses?) look in swimsuits? Some places you don't have to imagine that. (On the Beach, I'm looking at you.) Others, you wouldn't want to. (Sorry Stooges of Stockton, Ivan in a two-piece just isn't appealing.) Regardless it's important. El Duke used to drive from Stockton to Lodi after he got off work at midnight just to get an hour of drinking in at the bars over there just because of the hotness of the bartenders. This can be extended to the regulars too if a certain bar has smokin' regulars. Come on, alcoholics are sexy and you know it.


Starting next week we'll induct the first bar in the inaugural class of 2008. If you have a bar you think we haven't drank at that deserves consideration, let us know.

OMG!!111!11! Gas that's 10 cents cheaper!

I would say it's a slow news week but considering the Stockton "Please for the love of God someone buy our naming rights" Arena is hosting probably the best card of fights Stockton's ever seen this weekend, I'd be wrong. Come on Record, you guys eat up the local gone famous angle. You've been fellating Chris Issak for years with that angle. Jake Shields deserves better than a bottom fold Sports page puff piece. Come on, this shit is being nationally televised on CBS. In freaking primetime! When was the last time SJ County was featured on a major network that didn't involve the words "terrorist trial" or "foreclosure"?

But instead, let's be amazed at gas that's 1 cent below $4. The fucking lede of story is that a guy saved 50 cents on gas. Congrats, you can afford that candy bar now. I know gas prices are bad, but the "look how low the gas prices are!" story should be saved for at least sub-$2 gas. And even that seems kinda high. But only 10 cents cheaper than other gas stations in Stockton? Weaksauce. Not to mention that in the story the owner states that he's selling the gas for cost, which was immediately followed by a 10 cent price drop today. I guess cost drops quickly.

More on MMA later.

Update: Guess what finally got some prominent attention today? Way to wait until the last second.

The Record, putting important shit on the front page since...

OK, they never put important shit on the front page. Instead they put shit like this. While I guarantee this was also on the front page of a lot of newspapers across the state, it doesn't make it right. We get it, no more talky and drivey at the same time. Want to know how I know we get it and am not just talking out of my ass and speaking for Stockton as a whole? Let's go to the videotape! (or in this case, the actual article):

The Stockton-area CHP fielded an eight-officer team Tuesday to enforce the state's new law. The CHP wrote 22 tickets between roughly 6 a.m. and 5 p.m.

"They had to work really hard to get 22 of them," said Officer Scott Siria, a spokesman for the Stockton-area CHP. "Almost everyone is complying."

That's right, the Stockton CHP office felt the need to spend our tax dollars on an eight-officer team to write 22 tickets. That's roughly 3 tickets per officers. At 20 bucks a pop that's $440. Meanwhile, this shit was happening. Thanks Stockton, keep those priorities straight.