They don't make 'em like they used to.

In the interest of being somewhat objective, we've reached out to other locals to give us their perspective on what it's like to live in our little slice of awesome called Stockton. We specifically tried to get people from a wide range of age groups and walks of life. Today's contributor is a famous Stocktonian and former professional athlete. He's also roughly 121 years old. It's the Mighty Casey of Mudville Nine and "Casey at the Bat" fame!

How did we find a fictional baseball character and talk him into writing for our site you ask? Well, we tracked him down in one of the area's many retirement communities. After spending a couple weeks trying to explain the concept of the internet, we just told him we were his illegitimate great-grandchildren and we wanted granpappy's memoirs and thoughts on current events. He types them up for us on a typewriter, presumably one of these, and we transcribe them for the Wide Wide World of Web adding links and emphasis with necessary (ever try HTML on a typewriter? It's tough). So, without further concept explanation, here's his first crotchety old person rant.

Dave Brubeck is a huge gaping vagina.

Back in my day, men were cut from a different cloth. If you made a commitment you damn sure followed through with it. In my playing days they only allowed substitutions for injuries. Real injuries, not some bullshit anxiety disorder that you can't even explain. If somebody pulled that shit back in my day, we damn sure made them regret it. And not that shaving cream pie shit either. I once played on an exhibition team with Johnny Evers, one night he drank a fifth of Jack Daniels in a fashion emulated by a young John Belushi in the motion picture Animal House. Well, the next day he wasn't looking so good he ended up vomiting on a player who attempted to steal 2nd during the 3rd inning. He still was able to tag him out so everything was ok, but then the little pussy asked to be taken out of the game! Obviously we couldn't let that shit stand. Later that night we coerced him into repeating the previous night's feat but this time with some homemade moonshine, the only kind of moonshine in my opinion. Long story short he woke up in bed the following morning next to a Chinese hermaphrodite and nursing the World's biggest hangover. But I'll be damned if that bastard didn't play the full 9 that night and every night after that. And that was just for a series of exhibition games. Like I said, honor your commitments.

So when my nice great-grandchildren brought to my attention that jazz "legend" Dave Brubeck had pulled out of his scheduled performance Friday because of a "viral infection", it really got my goat. I once played for a week with a ruptured hemorrhoid after a Russian whore with unkempt fingernails snuck a finger up my ass without asking. Sure, I had to change my white uniform pants every other inning but I'll be damned if I didn't play every out of every inning. I honor my God damned commitments. Unlike this young Brubeck punk.

Kids these days have no respect for the way things used to be. What does that "legend" do anyway? He plays the piano. How does one get too sick to play the piano? My mustache could play the piano while battling Polio and this young whippersnapper bows out over a little virus? Gut that shit out pussy! You don't know pain until you slide into home with bleeding asshole! And you call yourself a legend. You think I just became the Mighty Casey overnight? No, I had to earn the title of "folk legend". How did I earn that distinction? Partially by honoring my fucking commitments!

I wish I could have just sent my son as a backup so I could stay in bed rolling around with some quality flapper poontang! But no, I'm a man of my word. And that's why I'm the Mighty fucking Casey, and you're just some bitch who messed around with time signatures.

Umm, thanks Casey!

In case you needed any more proof that I am in fact the next great American sportswriter

About a month ago I wrote about dealing with the steroids era in relation to comparing different eras using statistics. I argued that steroids took our judgement of a player's quality out of the hands of mathematicians and once again made it a personal judgement call. You can't measure greatness with numbers. We each have to decide who's great on our own. Which is something we got away from once Moneyball and Baseball Prospectus became all the rage. Stats are a good guide, but they are by no means gospel. Which is something a lot of analysts seem to forget.

One analyst who apparently didn't forget is ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons. In his latest column for ESPN the Magazine he pretty much tackles the same subject I did a month ago, but in typical Simmons fashion, somehow tied it all in with pop culture/movie references.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm the next Bill Simmons minus the whole insufferable chowderhead part.

Quick Links for Feb 17th (and hopefully the last time we'll have to mention Forbes and their stupid list)

(Insert questionably witty banter here)

QUICK LINKS!

Does anybody really think Stockton is miserable?

Let's face it, if the guy who's job it is to report on crime in Stockton doesn't think the city is miserable, then Stockton's not miserable. We made the argument that Forbes' miserable city list was flawed last week, but Christian Burkin does it a lot better than us (and without cussing!).

Plus he points out something we've been harping on for months. Stockton's too focused on becoming something it's not. We're never going to be that ideal city because the ideal flat out doesn't exist. If our slogan or whatever is "Celebrate Stockton!" then fucking celebrate Stockton. Unfortunately before rolling out that campaign the city neglected to find out what they're celebrating. Are we celebrating Stockton or Fat City? Contrary to popular belief the two aren't one in the same. And until we figure that out the taxpayers are just giving city leaders an unbearably long Dutch rudder. And that's the truly miserable part of Stockton

Don Blount saw that Forbes list too!

Just when that stupid list was leaving the news cycle, Don Blount saw it and decided to give it some more life. Even though pretty much everybody's calling the list bullshit, Don has to run in at the last second and yell "Yeah! Bullshit! Me too guys!" And he does so in typically horrible fashion. At one point he actually says "Central Valley represent!" This is the editor of a newspaper mind you. Not, you know, us.

But if that wasn't embarrassing enough he also wonders out loud with Larry Ruhstaller as to why Stockton didn't get credit for having the Thunder, Cougars, Lightening, and Ports. Pro sports is part of the criteria. Let me say that again pro sports. We have the minor leagues. You may notice a difference in quality between the teams on TV and the teams in Stockton.

I could actually spend a while dissecting Blount's latest offering, but we're weary of giving this stupid Forbes list any more press than it already has. Let us know when a bullet-proof accurate list comes out, like the best beer cities.

It's a good thing they use the AP so much or else we wouldn't get such quality analysis on the Thunder (tickets still available!)

One of our main issues with the Record's sports pages, besides their apparent inability to use Google, is their overwhelming dependance on wire stories. They use wire stories for all the local pro teams (aka the important teams) and concentrate all their efforts on high school (Well, St. Mary's and Lincoln) and the local minor league teams (aka who the fuck cares). The only time you can really twist their arm to write about shit that matters is when a local kid makes one of the pro teams. You may remember Must B. Highfill's blatant fellating of St. Mary's product, Taco King, and Tampa Bay Devil Ray Jason Bartlett from last year, God knows we do. Which is why we're surprised that they settled for an AP article on Stagg graduate Dallas Braden. Granted, we're not totally surprised. As the Record's outsourcing of high school games to other local papers have shown, if it's not about St. Mary's or Lincoln, they don't give a shit. If somebody else can write it, then they'll let them write it. The Record's too busy trying to force us to care about the minor league teams. In other words, much like the city, they're in a futile struggle that can't be won.

The only way we as a city are going to care about the local teams is if they win. Something only the Ports have done so far. You remember how much support they got? Yeah, it wasn't much. And they're the most popular local team. The ceiling for these teams isn't high, so hey, maybe we can spread the coverage out a little bit.

No word yet on when President-Elect Obama is taking office...oh wait

We've made fun of Bob Highfill in the past, but this time we're here to help him out. Bob, this is Google. It is a search engine on this thing called "the Internet". Google searches this inter-connected web of sites ingeniously called "websites" for information that you deem valuable.

For instance, let's search (or "Google") two words that seem to be very popular lately, Stockton and miserable. See, loads of information/articles about Stockton's dubious/bullshit ranking as our nation's most miserable city. I know it's supercomplicated, but you'll get the hang of it.

Flawed rankings based solely on data is kind of our thing though, let's try something in your wheelhouse Ol' Bulletpoint. Say, the words Stockton and sports. Hey look! Info about sports and shit in Stockton! And look on the second page, it's the Record's sports section. And what's this? Why, it's Ol' Bulletpoint's weekly lazyass bulletpoint column. And, by God, what's this part?

"No word when Charles Barkley will return to TNT's "Inside the NBA" studio show. Ratings have dropped 38 percent since the Hall of Fame forward took a leave of absence following his arrest for DUI in December."

Wow, 38 percent? Where'd you get that info? You used that newfangled Google thing didn't you? You know, I wonder when Chuck is coming back too. Let me also use the Google to check out if there's any information on the Round Mound of Rebound's return. Of course, being an editor of a Sports page, Bob Highfill's already done this sort of research, but just for fun we'll type "Charles Barkley return" into Google.

Oh, well will you look at that. The first fucking story is from a week ago saying that Charles is coming back after last Sunday's All-Star game. So there is word on when Chuck is coming back, and it's Thursday. Unfortunately, Bob "Must Be" Highfill couldn't be bothered to search Google to make sure a statement he made in his column was true.

In short, do your research.

Quick Links for Feb. 6th

Woohoo! Weekend! Now I can sleep off tomorrow's hangover as opposed to painfully working through it. Somebody pass me the bong Advil. And now the Quick Links! Which is like Highfill's bulletpoint column, but actually funny and interesting.

And the next futile attempt in securing a raise the city can't possibly afford is...

Arbitration! Yes, because PD apparently still doesn't understand when Dale Fritchen says there's no fucking money. And unfortunately, the arbitrator will probably rule in favor of SPD because technically they are legally required to get that raise. That still doesn't change the fact that there's no money. So in reality, SPD is just shooting themselves in the foot. If the city is forced to pay PD more, that just means they'll have to lay off more officers to compensate. Which is kind of counterproductive to Blair Ulring's whole wanting to keep as many officers on the street as possible thing. Underpaid officers (underpaid by their standards) are still officers on the street asshole! Quit being a dick and make concessions that will keep as many officers on the street as possible. Pay cuts or layoffs? Which one do you want? You have to make a choice. Even the Record thinks so! You know how often we agree on shit? And don't think the city doesn't have the balls to layoff police officers. Wanna know why?

They just did it

Yup, in a classic Friday news dump, the city laid off 29 police officers and threw in the IT guy and the Library director for funzies. Nice job by Ann Johnston trying to act like nothing happened. Luckily David Siders' bullshit detector presumably went off and he was able to find out that shit in fact did go down. We like how it seems Siders was just camped out by Gordon Palmer's office waiting for the recently pink-slipped to emerge. This is how the city announces all layoffs right?

And if the name Natalie Rencher looks familiar it's because she was the apparently controversial absentee Library Director featured in a poorly written Fitzy column last November. At least we think she was controversial. We're not entirely sure. Like I said, it was a poorly written column.

But either way, the message is clear. The City Council doesn't give a fuck, they'll layoff whoever they need to come in under budget. Which we can't blame them for since it's their job. It's time for the Assistant Chief to do his.

Hey guys! Gang war at Lincoln Center!

This has bad idea written all over it, or at least it would if it wasn't in an area so white that bleach would actually make it dirtier. Why not go the distance with this idea and have the southern portion of Lincoln Center offer discounts for those in blue and the northern side get discounts for red. Then everybody can meet at Ben Holt and fight for who gets the 10% discount at the Chevron on the corner. We're convinced Joe Goldeen would bring a crossbow and a mace to this.

California Stockton Cougars soccer! Tickets still available!

The Cougars are finally starting to catch on! Jason Anderson reports that Stockton's favorite group of sexy ladies of advanced age indoor soccer players are...ummm, we're not actually sure what the point is. They're still around, which is more than we expected last year. Sure, they're still losing money, but not as much money. And they're promoting events that raise attendance a whole 600 more people than average! Which makes the Arena slightly more than a quarter full. Total success story! And the team's good! Ok, well, better. Yes, somehow being down 9-2 at the half is better. But hey, they came back to lead! And then promptly lost in OT. Wait, soccer has OT? I thought it was some penalty kick thing. Granted, the last time I watched soccer a French guy was headbutting an Italian, so I'm no expert. But I do know that 23 goals means that both teams played less defense than the Sacamento Kings. If they an only maintain this hot scoring streak they'll have that Arena halfway full by 2021!

Dealing with the Steroid Era and how could steroids have been good for baseball

Since we're on a run of sports posts I figured I'd chime in real quick with a localish story of my own. Plus, when was the last time all 3 of us posted on the same day?

I guess today was unsealing day since some of Barry Bonds' court documents were also released today. Nothing super shocking was released, just a doping calendar and a few incriminating tapes. All of which lead you to believe that (shock!) Barry took steroids, knew about it, and lied about it.

Full disclosure before we continue, I fucking hate Barry Bonds. A lot of people think it was because of the steroisd thing and it's not. Frankly I've grown apathetic to the whole steroid thing, but more on that later. I hate Barry Lamar Bonds because he's a surly dick. I could document it but, let's face it, Barry's assholishness is well documented. You don't need my help.

Anyway, all of this shit happening rekindled the whole "Why is the government wasting time and resources like this when the economy is cratering?" debate. And it's a fair argument. Who gives a shit if Barry Bonds lied? It wouldn't make him the first person to do so and he definitely won't be the last. I used the be one of the people on that side of the argument. But then they went ahead and prosecuted Barry anyway. Now? I want his head on a fucking platter.

Why? Because fuck it, we're already doing it. That's why. How much money has the government spent trying to get something to pin on the guy? That's our tax dollars. Don't you want some sort of return on that investment? I sure as shit do. I want to hear every embarassing detail about Barry's life all played out in court and documented for the public. We desereve that much for Bonds on Bonds alone (As much as we give the Record shit for their various conflicts of interests, at least they didn't do something like BoB...yet).

But then there's the other, heavier questions. How will we remember this era? How will we be able to compare it to eras past? I try and not think about those questions. If you spend too much time thinking about that shit then sports stops being fun. And that's what sports is supposed to be right? Our fun little escape from our increasingly depressing real lives. If you overthink it then you're just escaping to another layer of hell.

That's not to say you should ignore those big questions. I just choose to not dwell on them too much. I don't like to think about how I'll think of now 10 or 20 years from now because who gives a shit about what I think then? I'll probably be an entirely different person by then. 10 years ago I was a Mormon who actually waited until 16 to date. If you had told me then that years later I'd look upon those years with utter contempt, be writing for a website filled with dirty curse words, and have a casual attitude towards pretty much every possible vice I'd have thought you were crazy. Trying to guess the future is a waste of fucking time.

As far as the era comparison goes, I'll deal with it the way I deal with it now. Some people are going to just stamp this entire era as tainted and kill the comparisons and those people are no fun. Thanks to the federal government there's plenty of information on the Steroid Era that you can get somewhat of a good idea as to who was juicing and who wasn't. Sure, you won't know for sure. But it'll be a personal judgement call. I'll look on Bonds statistics unfavorably because of his obvious drug use (and the being a cock thing). But guys like Nomar or Griffey? I don't think they juiced so I'll take their numbers at face value. It's not a flawless system by any means. I have no real reason to believe they did or didn't juice beyond what my gut tells me. And my gut tells me they probably didn't shoot up.

Again, it's not the best system, but over the years Moneyball has turned baseball into a mathematician's dream. Taking away what some people think is the soul of the game and trying to calculate what some managers and scouts (and the A's recent playoff record) say can't be quantified by numbers. You can't calculate greatness. If there's one thing the steroid era did for us, it's tainted those numbers and forced us calculate greatness with our guts. How it was meant to be.

And for that Barry Lamar Bonds, I thank you. But you're still an asshole.

Quick Links for Jan. 26th

Sorry for cutting out early Friday. I don't want to get too much into it but for those of you out there renting an apartment with a roommate, it's usually a good idea to tell your roommate before you put in 30-days notice. Especially when your roommate has a vacation planned in that time period. Yes, I live with a complete fuckshovel. Not for much longer apparently. And a hearty welcome back to Bris Isaak. I'm jealous of his new computer. Let's Quick Link some shit up!

It's this kind of dedication to detail that got Fitzy all those awards

We've pretty much ignored Fitzy's 55-word poem contest over the past month. Mostly because we can't stand the guy. Also, as noted before, we're not poets and frankly, we know it (sorry, too easy). Plus, the Record's been really contest happy lately (there's still a chance to be named the Thunder's #1 fan...that doesn't already have season tickets) and well, this is one of the more boring ones.

Of course it's still fun to read because we get to see if we recognize any of the names and get a better view of who actually buys into Fitzy's shit (Elwood Baer, you disappoint us greatly). Plus most of the entries, because of the 55-word limit, are hilariously bad. We won't break any of them down because, again, poetry ain't our deal. But we do have to point out one more thing before we move on. From the linked column:

"Subjects range from a Dr. Zeussy poem about dissecting echoes to a powerful indictment of a recent CHP shooting."

And now we ask, who the fuck is Dr. Zeuss? When did Tiny Lister find all that time to get his medical degree?

Ok, you guys win. The title's yours

We were already pessimistic of our title chances after seeing that homicides were at 40-year lows, but this is the icing on the cake. Our cops may crash into each other, they may bitch and moan a lot, and they may even shoot innocent people just trying to protect their family. But for all the shit we give SPD, at least they aren't Plaxicoing themselves. Wait is it too late to add that to the reasons I love Stockton? I love Stockton because for all of their faults, at least they're not shooting themselves in the foot...well, literally at least.

We're #10! We're #10!

I don't know if you've watched TV over the past 2 years, but if you kept the boob tube on for more than 15 mins, chances are you've heard about the digital conversion. Being a cable subscriber, those commercials really annoyed me because they didn't apply to me. I assumed after our TVs were assaulted with monotone commercial after monotone commercial, not unlike the onslaught of political ads during the seemingly endless election, that people would have figured it out. But, true to form, Stockton proved me wrong. Granted, only 7.3% of the Stockton/Sacramento/Modesto market isn't ready for the change, but that's still good enough to make us the 10th least prepared market.

The main culprit? As usual, painfully old people. Like the lady quoted in the linked article who's TVs were so old that she needed what sounds like an RF modulator to connect the digital convertor box to her antenna-only TV. Remember RF modulators? Those things that hooked onto the antenna screws on the back of realllly old TVs in the 80s that were used to hook up the AV cables of old school Nintendo and Sega systems? Yeah, most of us had those figured out by the age of 10. Yet, instead of heading to her local Radio Shack and finding out they cost a grand total of $27 (although a quick Google search can turns up some for as low as $7) she decided to buy two 19-inch flat screens. At least we know why she didn't give her name. Man old people are awesome.

The real question is did Marty Greenstein get to hit anybody in the face with a cookie sheet?

Now that we've just weathered the media's assault during the most insufferable political news week ever (Did you hear? There's a black guy in the White House. Black!), it's time to rest. Oh wait, what? It's Super Bowl media week? Well fuck me with Steely's McBeam. Only in America would we follow up an insufferable news week with an insufferabler one (I think I just broke my spell check with "insufferabler"). And what better way to get things started than with the classic "local reporter fan of previously laughable underdog that finally made it" story?

Of course, this being the Record's sports page they print Greenstein's NFC title game recap a week after the fact. And Greenstein also broke the cardinal rule (Ha!) of "my team finally made it to the big game" columns by predicting a Cardinals win as if it were a foregone conclusion. But actually, I kind of like that. It's not too often you see someone convey an actual opinion in The Record's sports columns. Unless of course that opinion is something like "-The Cardinals worked hard to get to where they are, they deserve it." Which is more of a statement of fact than an opinion (sorry, had to jump in on the Ol' Bulletpoint bashing).

Misc. Blog roundup

And finally, we check out the blogs where Christian Burkin warns us of a criminal demographic that not even the racist recordnet commenters had counted on, goat theft auto! Let's see them try and claim high-density housing equals more crime now! We gotta keep an eye on farms too! No word on if Ann Johnston was taken in for questioning.

Also, Jagdip Dhillon continues his ascent to becoming my favorite Record Sports writer by actually referencing Mixed-Martial Arts! Sure it's at the end of a post about the ugly Tigers/Gauchos game that was nationally broadcast on ESPNU for all to see how much the Big West sucks, but we weren't even sure the Record's sports staff even knew what MMA was considering they haven't written anything about it since EliteXC came into town. So even a passing mention gives us hope that they'll realize this is a legitimate sport that's not going away any time soon.

And the rarely seen Kirk Barron checks in on the Online Blog to let us know that Recordnet is working on getting more of what you've all been clamoring for, videos! Yes, from the people who brought you such exciting videos as "Mother dough reaches Boudin" and Ian Hill's star turn as the Martha Stewart of deep-fried turkeys, the Record's online staff is working hard this week to bring us more depressing videos on the Cleveland school shooting and God knows what else. Because if there's one thing I think when I read boring feature interviews with termed out politicians it's "Man, if only I could watch Victor Mow give boring, stock answers it would make it so much more interesting." Hopefully they combine the best of two ideas and bring us "adorable puppies shot close up using a wide-angle lens". Preferably set to the Benny Hill theme. Although to be fair, everything should be set to the Benny Hill theme.

Quick Links for Dec. 17th

Oh hey actual news. What's up? Shit actually happened yesterday so let's jump right into the Quick Links.

So Jason Anderson takes another crack at being a sports columnist today, an actual sports columnist who writes about a single subject. Last time he wrote about women's basketball, but hey, at least it was in depth analysis on a single topic. Let's see if his topic is any better this week....Jesus Tittyfucking Christ. It's original analysis of the Sacramento Kings! Let it be known that apparently the only way to get a Record writer to write about the local professional teams is if the team does their best Raider impersonation and mow through 4 coaches in 4 years. As far as the column goes, it was good but he stops just short of the obvious conclusion. The Kings need to hire Eddie Jordan. He's a Princeton offense coach and Petrie's a Princeton offense GM. And nobody should ever even hint at Flip Saunders coaching the Kings ever again. Ever.

Stockton PD continued their "Here's why we totally deserve a raise" tour yesterday by somehow colliding with a Manteca school bus. Which of course begs the question, does anybody in the Stockton Police Department know how to fucking drive? Are they taking driving lessons from my sister (who infamously got into 7 accidents during her first 6 months as a licensed driver)? Way to prove your worth guys.

Alright everybody, all together now. Na na na na , na na na na , hey hey hey , goooooodbye!

Nice to see people who campaigned with the promise of better management of the remainder of the Measure L funds are already looking to break that promise. We've said it before and we'll say it again, building the campus in Mountain House was retarded beyond retarded. But we've kind of passed the point of no return now. Killing the Mountain House campus wouldn't just piss everybody over there off, but it'll only result in an assload of lawsuits. Lawsuits that the plaintiffs would win and then drain even more funds. Funds that I'm guessing they don't have since it was probably already spent on designer luggage that someone was triple reimbursed for. Look Delta, we get it. Now that the changeover was happen you have to show how different you are from the previous board by finally acknowledging how shitty of an idea Mountain House was. Here's an idea, how about you differentiate yourselves from the previous board by being honest, open, and by being fiscally responsible? That shit will do a lot more for Delta's badly damaged public image than any showy public condemnation will ever do.

Don't forget! You're invited to a performance of the Nutcracker today at MLK Elementary. Unfortunately it's not Black Nutcracker like Tracy's Black Nativity from last month. Ok, we'll ask. How is this news? Did I magically get transferred to the SUSD parent newsletter?

And finally, yes we saw Fitzy's column today. We'll have a whole lot more to say about it later on. But for now we'll just question the intelligence of writing an anti-gun column in what is still pretty much a Republican county. I'd hate to be the guy who has to wade through the Letters to the Editor right about now (which may very well be Ian Hill now).

In which we finally say "fuck it" and write the sports column the Record should have

Since the Record's apparently ditched the concept of a sports column, I've decided to pick up the slack. Feel free to print this up and glue it over whatever bullshit they put on the front of the sports section this week. Noone cares about women's basketball anyways. And yes, I purposely picked a subject the Record all but completely ignores to point out how shitty their overall sports coverage is. So here goes...

UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar, good or bad for MMA?

Being a fan of both Mixed Martial Arts and pro wrestling, a lot of my MMA fan friends would ask me what I thought Brock Lesnar's chances against Randy Couture were. Most people I talked to thought Couture was going to pick Lesnar apart and expose him as the fake wrestling fraud they thought he was. I wasn't so confident.

While Couture is superior to Lesnar in pretty much every facet of MMA, people seem to forget just how big, strong, and fast Lesnar is. That may not completely make up for his still-developing fighting skills, but the discrepancy between Lesnar's size, strength, and speed and Couture's is almost a big as the new heavyweight champ himself. Plus, having fists the size of a Thanksgiving turkey helps.

As most people know by now, Lesnar caught Couture in the second round right on the temple with one of those turkey-sized fists and became the first man to become both WWE champion and UFC champion. And as with all sports the negative Nancys came out almost immediately, calling his title reign a disgrace to the sport MMA. The guy did fake wrestling for fuck's sake. Now people will discredit UFC because they have a former fake wrestler champion.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I disagree with those claims. For one, people tend to forget (or ignore) the fact that before he was WWE champ, he was an NCAA Champion in wrestling. Most MMA experts agree that wrestling is the best base skillset a fighter can have when getting into the sport.

I also disagree with the notion that his percieved inexperience is a bad thing. What happens if Couture wins? He beats the winner of next month's Nogueira/Mir fight and then the slow burn towards Fedor/Couture would have continued. He's already pretty much mowed through all the viable heavyweights so the only real money fight he had left was the fight with Fedor.

With Brock winning the title, the UFC has multiple fresh matchups they can build PPVs around. Some of the more intriguing matchups would be a rematch with the only guy to beat Lesnar, Frank Mir. Especially if he beats Nogueira to make it a title unification fight. Chuck Liddell's flirted with moving up a weight class, which would make for a great battle of punching power. And you can't tell me a potential Lesnar/Gonzaga fight doesn't get your dick a little hard.

Perhaps the biggest reason Lesnar winning the title is good for MMA is it could mark the return of the legitimate heavyweight. Don't get me wrong, I think Couture is a tremendous fighter, but he doesn't look like a heavyweight. Lesnar out weighed him by 40 pounds (officially, legitimately it was more like 60) in their fight. Couture is a heavy light-heavyweight. Lesnar has to cut weight to make heavyweight. I don't have any stats to back this up, but having a dude who looks as imposing as Lesnar does can only be good for the UFC. Hell, EliteXC only survived for as long as it did because of the imposing-looking Kimbo Slice. If there's one thing casual fight fans want to see, it's two big dudes beating the shit out of each other. Sure the lower weight classes provide entertaining fights, but the heavyweight division has been the money division going back to the days of boxing.

Look, I understand the arguement against Lesnar's quick rise in the UFC. Lesnar himself said before the fight that he probably didn't deserve a title shot this early in his career. But at the end of the day, anything that increases the exposure of MMA (Ok, anything that doesn't involve a hit-and-run in an SUV with your likeness plastered on the side) is a good thing for the sport.

Soft News Mondays not nearly as fun as Sexy Fridays, Quick Links for Nov. 17th

Ok, we're back on track this week I think. Slow news weeks suck, don't they. How is the Record combatting this post-election news wasteland? By God, it's a soft-newsapalooza!!

Addiction programs are unable to pay their licensing fees! They're struggling! But they're also managing!

Guess what? Charities are also struggling! Less people can afford to donate and more people need their services. Prepare to read this story 50 more times before the end of the year.

If charities are struggling, that must also mean that communities are struggling! Old people die and have strokes and now noone can make pies for fundraising! How will West Point survive without their bake sale stars?

And if communities are strugling, kids are struggling! With what? Math! 4-year old preschoolers are being taught math in Valley Springs, cutting into nap times all across the foothills!

Not only that, elementary school children in Lincoln Unified are struggling with how to pronounce their newest trustee's name! Even with the explanation is the article, I still can't figure out how to pronounce it. I'm not even sure it matters because there's absolutely no news in that story. Yay soft journalism!

And finally, newspapers are struggling! Nobody wants to hear their post-election stories. And for some reason Mike Klocke seems surprised. Even after telling us statistics show they readers don't want post-election news, he proceeds to give us post-election stats.

They're also struggling to stay under budget! In that same column Klocke announces the closure of the Record's Lodi branch. The writers are still staying on, home base for them has just moved to Market St. instead of downtown Lodi. We also find out they trade local sports stories with the News-Sentinel. They can't even do original reporting on local sports. Plus, this kind of eliminates the whole concentrating on local teams instead of the localish pro teams excuse doesn't it?

Bob Highfill vs. Slick Diaz, who provides better Raider analysis?

Yesterday in the Quick Links we took a couple of shots at the Raiders because, let's face it, that entire situation is hilarious. Even if you're a Raider fan you have to step back and objectivly watch the Al Davis press conference and just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Bob Highfill also decided to poke fun at the Raiders in his shittastic weekly bullets column (a style of column writing that's ok every once in a while, but loathesome when done over and over again. Unless it's the quick links of course.). But we couldn't help but notice that his Raider swipe seemed eerily familiar...

From Highfill's column:

"OK, I lied about not taking a shot at the Raiders: The Sacramento Bee reported last week that Raiders coach Tom Cable had his players practice their touchddown celebrations to visualize success. What a waste of time, considering they were shut out by the Falcons on Sunday and have scored only nine TDs at the midway point."

And, for comparison's sake, the words of a young man named Slick Diaz:

"...Jamarcus Russell laid yet another proverbial turd on Sunday. Thus proving once again that you should never, ever draft a QB with the number 1 over all pick. The Niners learned that lesson, and now the Raiders are. You know it's a bad idea when a year and a half into your NFL career teammates are openly pining for the team to sign a convicted felon to replace you. Also, instead of spending time practicing endzone celebrations, maybe they should have worked on how to maintain positive yardage throughout the half. Or how to get first downs."

Now, let's face it, the TD celebration thing was an easy target. But we still find it hilarious that a guy in his 40s who's the editor of an entire sports section for an actual newspaper, somehow managed to hone in on the same thing as a college dropout in his mid-twenties who runs a blog.

Not only that, that handsome devil of a blogger actually provided more original analysis in what was intended to be a throwaway paragraph, than a guy who allegedly writes sports columns for a living! Look, we live in a Raider town. We don't like it, we're Niner fans, but even we can provide more analysis on a team we can't stand, than a guy who's job it is to write his opinions about sports. The world isn't fair.

Quick Links for Monday Nov. 3rd

How 'bout dem Raiders huh? We know it's because of league territory rules, but we'd like to extend a hearty "fuck you" to CBS for cutting out from the Green Bay/Titans OT to give us a game that didn't matter in any way shape or form. And on top of that Jamarcus Russell laid yet another proverbial turd on Sunday. Thus proving once again that you should never, ever draft a QB with the number 1 over all pick. The Niners learned that lesson, and now the Raiders are. You know it's a bad idea when a year and a half into your NFL career teammates are openly pining for the team to sign a convicted felon to replace you. Also, instead of spending time practicing endzone celebrations, maybe they should have worked on how to maintain positive yardage throughout the half. Or how to get first downs. By the way, this is the more original analysis than you'll get in the Record tomorrow. Because God forbid Bob Highfill write an in-depth column devoted to a single topic. But hey, let's knock out some quick links.

Wow, that IMAX thing happened pretty quickly didn't it? Now if only they would start playing good movies on it we'd be set!

The embattled Sheraton Hotel finally instituted some changes. Unfortunately all that really changed was it's name.

I think we have a front runner for November's rube of the month. Bryan Bjork still hasn't given the city and the arena their money back for that whole rodeo thing that happened a while back. But wait, we thought he was just an honest man with a dream.

Up north in Lodi someone found a bomb just lying around. Lodi PD promptly blew it up before they could grab any identifying information on it. Because why would we want to find possible evidence as to who's laving live bombs lying around?

If you don't think we're going to have something to say about this later today, well, you'd be mistaken.

Mike Klocke gave a mini-preview of the Record's post-election coverage yesterday. Oh, and we can blame Don Blount for that annoying Halloween story contest apparently. Hannah Montana tickets as a storyline point? Are you fucking kidding me?

Shit to do for this pre-Halloween weekend

With Halloween just a week away, one would think that this would be a relativly quiet weekend. And it is...except for all the "pre"-Halloween parties going on this weekend. I'm not exactly a big Halloween guy but hey, it's an excuse to drink heavily. Not that I require an excuse to drink heavily, but it's nice to have an excuse. Let's see what shit there is to do.

Sexy Friday Oct. 24th

Before we get to the pre-parties, let's get the requisite Blackwater show out of the way. Alabaster, Self Destroyer, and Switchblade 327 are all playing at the aforementioned Blackwater at 8pm. I haven't heard of any of these bands, but I've always been partial to the name Alabaster after that King of the Hill episode where Hank inadvertantly becomes a pimp and has to put a white pimp named Alabaster (voice by Snoop Dogg) in his place. $6

The Boiler Room kicks off the Halloween festivities with their Halloween Pre-Costume Party at 9. Apparently they're expecting so many people they're spreading their costume contest over multiple days. If you want to advance to the next round of competition, you gotta show up tonight. Which is kind of weaksauce, but hey, drinking. $10

Saturday Oct 25th

Saturday features two more pre-Halloween parties, which is a testament to our claim that there's absolutly nothing else to do in Stockton besides get completly shitfaced. Why else would we stretch out this drinking holiday over a week?

But for those of you who don't feel like drinking for some unfathomable reason, you should check out the Northeast Community Center for their "Holloween" Bash. Stories in Stone, One Shot Suicide, Dark Supremacy, the Ghost of Nightingale, and Accidentally Murdered are playing at 5. Judging by the band names, I think it's safe to say your studded bracelts/dog collars are going to be some of the more conservative fashion choices that night. $5

For those of us who prefer to drink instead of sitting around and listening to depressing music, the Matinee's Pre-Halloween Monster Rock & Blues Bash is at 9 (or 8 depending on which part of that link's contents you choose to believe). Willie Hines & The Face Cards will be there along with The Great Oglee Moglee Blues Band. $7

Ed and the Educators will be at BWDW Fat's Grill and Bar at 9. They put on a great show at the otherwise lackluster Lebowskifest that Pacific Bowl put on. Although anytime I can call a Lincoln High teacher a perderast and get the response "8 year olds Dude", you've got to consider the night a success. Remember, nobody fucks with the Jesus. $5

And while you're in the area you might as well head on over to UOP for their take on Rocky Horror Picture Show at 11:55pm. Having been to a few Bay Area productions of Rocky Horror ("Rocky" by itself is reserved for one movie, and one movie alone), I'm not expecting anything too crazy to go on at the show. Especially when you throw in UOP's recent campaign against anything resembling fun. But hey, I could be (and usually am) wrong. $5

Sunday Oct. 26th

Sunday should probably be spent nursing that hangover away while watching football as usual. Unfortunatly the Niner and the Raiders are participating in the two most boring games of the week. The Niners "battle" the Seahawks in which the winner will probably be decided by who fumbles the ball last. And the Raiders take on the Ravens. Flacco! Russell! It's the NFL on...oh wait, no Sunday night game because of baseball for some weakass reason. (Not that that game would have been the night game anyways, unless NBC had decided to just throw in the towel ratingswise while still putting a game there)

Yeah, but Von Hayes never gave America free tacos

In Bob Highfill's latest ode to Jason Bartlett (by the way, thanks for the free taco, I totally take back that "expendable" line.), he threw out there that Bartlett was only the 3rd SJ County resident that played in the World Series. We let it slide because for one, we knew he meant "native" not "resident". Not that it matters because even with that clarification he was wrong.

I'm probably the last guy who should bitch about research, but then again, I'm not the editor of a newspaper section that prints 2 original articles once every 3 days.

And we'll get to the Best of SJ County insert eventually. We're currently trying to pick up after the mess caused by the mind blowing revelation that the Mike Torres Band is allegedly the second best band in the county.

The Devil Rays and the Phillies go at it today in game 1 of the World Series. The Record's eerily fired up considering it's between two east coast teams with only one local connection. Oh, you didn't know there's a local connection to one of the World Series teams? You must not have read anything Bob Highfill's written in the past 2 months. Today's article talks about how quiet and down to earth Bartlett is. So quiet in fact that it extends to the phones at St. Mary's. Everybody wants to talk to Cole Hamels's old high school, but nobody wants to call St. Mary's for a quote. Why? Obviously it's because he's quiet, keeps to himself, and plays the game right. Or it could be because Cole Hamels is the game one starter and ace of the Phillies' rotation while Jason Bartlett is an expendable shortstop with average numbers at best.

Apparently it's Red Ribbon Week again. For those without kids, Red Ribbon Week is drug awareness week for elementary schools. Granted, in Stockton it's hard to go a week without being aware of drugs, but I guess it's good to have a designated week for it.

Speaking of drugs, SJ County has finally decided to begrudgingly give us our medical marijuana ID cards. But they really want you to know they'd prefer not to. They even spout off hilarious "facts" like the uncertainty regarding how much sticky icky one is allowed to posses with the card. Clearly the Board doesn't smoke, because if you ask any stoner about medicinal doja they'll spout off information like the fucking rain man. And then they'll promptly lose their keys...and car. Props to Zach Johnson for the quality lead though.

And finally, in our ongoing effort to find all local blogs, someone sent in a link to a site dedicated to bringing down Lathrop Mayor Kristy Sayles. We're not saying we agree with what's on the site, because frnakly we're still shocked that Lathrop gets it's own mayor. But hey, there it is. It is kind of adorable to watch somebody feud with the Manteca Bulletin though.

Oh, and Dolemitewatch continues. Give a great American hero his due Record!

How hard is it to get decent sports analysis?

I loathe the Record's Sports pages. I may have brought it up a time or two. One of the bigger issues I've always had with their sports page is that their columnists always suck donkey balls. Lori Gilbert sucked, Two-Minute Driller sucked, and now Bob Highfill sucks. I had high hopes that when Gilbert was banished to the LENS section that the sports columns would get better, now I'm starting to think they just replaced Lori's picture with Bob's and let her continue writing sports. Today's column was so bad I've decided it's FJM time. Let's dive in, shall we?

Coaching isn't a secure profession, but the past week or so has been brutal: Mike Nolan was fired by the 49ers on Monday, Denis Savard was dumped by the Chicago Blackhawks on Thursday after four games and Tommy Bowden resigned from Clemson on Oct. 13.

Yeah, the past week may have been brutal for them, but not nearly as brutal as the past month fans of those teams have had.

How cool is it that a Lodi native, shortstop Jason Bartlett, is playing in his first World Series for a team that was a 200-1 shot to make it before the start of the season?

Almost as cool as that timely error he made in waning innings of game 7? By the way, did the Kings play yesterday...wait, scratch that. Basketball in general, regardless of what team, happened yesterday right? I see box scores, but no game recaps, at all. Aren't the Warriors playing a somewhat interesting preseason game against a non-NBA opponent today? But really, continue blathering on about two east coast teams facing each other in the World Series.

Nolan looked like a beaten man as he walked off the field after Sunday's loss to the New York Giants in the Meadowlands. It was like he knew his future with the 49ers depended on the outcome of that game.

So the coach of a team that just got beat looked beaten? Wow, I take it all back. This is some crack analysis. I wonder if Tom Cable looked like a winner after winning his first game as a head coach.

Talk about brotherly love, or lack thereof, former Auburn football coach Terry Bowden wrote in his weekly comments at Yahoo.com that his brother, Tommy, deserved to be forced out at Clemson because he didn't meet expectations. "...he, of all people, knew what to expect when he got into this business." Thanksgiving at the Bowden house should be on pay-per-view.

Holy shit! An awkward Thanksgiving because of some truthful criticism levied against a family member? That's like every Thanksgiving ever since the dawn of time. (Including the time Goody Proctor's kid asked what "that funny thing" on Geronimo's head was at the first Thanksgiving.) Considering the Bowdens would be having a southern Thanksgiving, I don't think it even registers on the awkward meter until someone calls someone's wife a whore while passing the stuffing (stuffing of course being the best Thanksgiving food to use in euphemisms for infidelit. Sweet potatoes is second).

I could wade through the rest of the column, but I'm running a bit long here. But before I go, shame on the Record for not even mentioning the death of a great American hero like Dolemite. A guy who made subjective fashion lists gets coverage, but not the guy who fucked up motha fuckas for a living (amongst other things)? Weaksauce.

Cutting through the bullshit so you don't have to

Only one week away until the Kings come to Stockton! Wooo! Who's got preseason fever!? Man, aren't those new jerseys awesome? You guys get your tickets yet? Yeah me neither. I'm not too worried. And while the Record's at least faking like it cares with it's photo contest, it's not exactly making ticket purchasing easy. But that's where we come in.

Let's say you want to purchase your tickets for the game online. Recordnet.com links you to this, which happens to be the homepage of the Kings.com site. (I'd have included the actual recordnet link but it was full of trackers to give recordnet.com credit for the clickthrough, and fuck them.)

The problem with the Kings.com site (and don't get me wrong, they do a great job over there), is that the Stockton game isn't listed with the rest of the preseason games. So if you click "tickets" looking for the Spanos Center game, it doesn't show up. Instead, amongst a sea of other banner ads, is a small "The Kings are coming to Stockton" banner on the right hand side. That link sends you to a press release about the game which includes the link to Ticketmaster for the game. That's where you can find tickets for the game online.

Consider that link help a public service. Want to go to the Kings game in the Spanos Center? The Record will give you a roundabout link designed to increase hits for the Kings site, we'll cut the bullshit for you. This counts as community service, right officer?

About fucking time

I've been fairly critical about the lack of marketing done for the upcoming Kings/Clippers preseason game at the Spanos Center. I placed blame on pretty much everybody (including you! Yes, you. And the person behind you.). I had hope change would occur but let's face it, if something were to change somebody would sue to put that change to a public vote.

But wait a second, what's this on the back page of the sports secti...Holy Barack Obama Batman! Motherfucking change! That right, the Record apparently has heard the plea to get their asses in gear. Sure, it's placed on the back page of what is almost assuredly their worst section. And yeah, I almost missed the ad myself because like most readers I've trained my eyes to skip ads in favor of actual articles. But it's something, which is really all I was asking for in the first place.

Bonus points for thinking outside the box and going with the special correspondent contest. (Wow, the Record's really contest happy this month, aren't they?) I might actually even take a shot at entering. Let's see if that month I spent in Delta's photojournalism class before I dropped it will pay off.

Shit to do for the weekend of 10/3-10/5

Sexy Friday Oct. 3rd

Apparently jack shit is going on tonight. Thus continuing the trend of lopsided weekends. Want shit to do? It's all on Saturday. I guess last week really was the final final Friday. Yes, it blows. But I think I have a way to make it up to you. One of the blogs I frequent on an hourly basis is NFL blog Kissing Suzy Kolber. They invented the concept I've been teasing for the past couple weeks called Sexy Friday. KSK's Drew Magary (Buy his book) explains the concept best here. Now let's get in the sexy spirit of things. (Oh, probably NSFW by the way)

Former TNA Wrestling announcer Leticia Cline:

That's more like it. Thank God It's Sexy Friday.

Saturday Oct. 4th

One of the things I left out of my crotchety old man post was the news that Daniel of Filbert and hey manna! is back in town. Which means 2 of Stockton's better bands are back in business. Filbert (solo), Reggie Ginn, Andrew Hemans, Drew Blum, and A Street Named Hell are playing the Blackwater at 8pm. Let's hope none of those bands wear gay pleather pants. $5

Also on Saturday, Pacific Bowl is celebrating it's 50th anniversary in the best way imaginable. LEBOWSKIFEST!!!!! No weak ass high school kids because it's 21+, $2 White Russians, and the awesome Ed and the Educators; let's face it, this is going to kick ass. 9pm, $5

Sunday Oct. 5th

Again, jack shit. But like I've said before, Sundays are for football. The Raiders have a bye this week so go watch the Al Davis press conference and see if he dies at the end of it this time. The Niners are playing the Pats this week and actually have a shot at winning. Which just a month and a half ago would be considered fucking ridiculous. They're also retiring Steve Young's jersey during halftime. No word on what Charles Haley and his penis think about it. (I'm done with the KSK links now.)

Oakland's Own Queen Emily Places 5th on America's Got Talent

So the America's Got Talent season finale was on last night. Guess who didn't win? That's right Houston's Oakland's Stockton's "own" Queen Emily. Now the Record will have to find some other local angle to pound into the ground for the next couple months.

Oh hey, they found him already. So now you'll write about pro sports.