I hate slow news days, don't you? And don't let bullshit swine flu stories fool you, it's a fucking slow news day. Just look at the front page of the Record today. What's the big news? Mickie Grove Zoo is getting birds! Oh man! So amazing!
Oh, and the police and some other city workers got layoff notices. Not laid off, just notices that they miiiight get laid off depending on the number of people who take advantage of the retirement incentives offered to workers/cops over 50 (those wanting to take advantage have until today to do so). So, you know, more waiting. Awesome.
Oh, and Fitzy is apparently on the restaurant beat now as he tells the tale of Chuck's getting sued for ADA non-compliance by an overly litigious dick in a wheelchair. Yup,lawyers are soulless dicks, that's some crack investigative reporting right there.
But the real sign of a slow news day is how many ads for The Record and its various services appear in the paper to fill space. And good Lord there are a few today. That's nothing really post-worthy, the Record has been slowly turning into a catalog interspersed with news for years now. What makes the ads notable is what they're for. Everybody turn to A13! (We'd link, but why would the Record want these online? It makes too much sense.)
Yes, you too could have a picture of your little one's Kindergarten graduation picture in the Record for the low low price of $40! I don't even think my school had a kindergarten graduation. If we did, years of hard living have erased it from my memory. If only my parents had shelled out 40 clams so they could tell me how proud they are of me for being named "Most likely to continue eating paste" next to a picture of me wearing a paper hat and a bathrobe! It's great to see the Record display such great out-of-the-box thinking like this to recoup some lost ad sales revenue. Because, if there's one section of the community that totally has disposable income in this economy, it's relatively new parents.
Of course, the second biggest community sect with cash just pouring out of their pockets it's people who are getting married! And for the bargain basement price of $25 you can, ummm, announce your wedding in some sort of bride and groom insert the Record's doing next month! Of course (flipping to B4 now), if your wedding was really wacky and over-the-top, you can contact the Record and have them do a feature story on you for free! Did your uncle get too sauced and hit on the bride? Was your bridal party so big the limo had to take people to the wedding in shifts? Did you get to ride the chair at a Jewish wedding that wasn't yours? The Record wants to know! Oh man, the zany stories are endless.
So, to clarify, the Record wants your money for some features they're doing that serve no other purpose other than to make money. See, journalism is alive and well. (Takes swig from flask)