Friday, January 30, 2009

Shit to do for the weekend of 1/30-2/1

Hey look, January's over. That went by kinda quickly. Wasn't something supposed to happen at the end of January? Something big I thought. Which obviously means it pertains to me. Hmmm... Why is Aaron Davis saying goodby... Oh shit! The 31st is supposed to be the day goes dark! FUCK! What am I gonna do? Oh shit oh shit oh shit! How am I gonna know where and when shows are? Ahhhhh!

OK, just kidding. We hear they're still fighting to keep it but no absolute word has come down yet. So, you know, keep visiting it so it's hits stay up and I can easily guide you to which shows you should go too. Especially now that Aaron Davis apparently no longer will be doing so. I'm all you gots now bitches! Let's breakdown Super Bowl weekend!

Sexy Friday (apparently KSK forgot the Sexy Friday post, we'll link to it when they post it) 1/30

Ok, what the fuck is this shit? Only two listings? One that apparently was typed by a 5 year old and another advertising a lame ass youth center show? Fuck youth center shows. Those always suck. Plus, I know for a fact there's a show at the Matinee tonight. The hippie broads at Fats kept bugging me to go. It's even advertised on the back of the last print edition of 209Vibe, yet it's not on Oh well, guess some bands aren't as media-savvy as others.

Luckily Ian Hill lists shows other places, like Which is where we found out that Fats is apparently having comedy night tonight. I'm not a big fan of local comedians, mostly because they suck. But hey, it's better than the weak ass 180 center. $10

Saturday 1/31

Raise your hand if you're surprised that the Record's completely ignored Saturday's UFC 94 PPV even though Ultimate Fighter winner and Stockton resident Nate Diaz is on the card. Nobody? Yeah, that's what I thought. There's like 2 paragraphs about it buried in the middle of today's sports section. So they at least know there's a fight between BJ Penn and GSP, but they failed to take even a cursory glance at the rest of the card to see that Nate's fighting Clay Guida in what should be a bad ass fight. Fuck I hate the Record's sports pages. Feel free to catch UFC 94 in HD over at the Elbow Room at 7. Free

Or, if guys beating the shit out of each other isn't your cup of tea, then head on over to the Plea for Peace Center at 6 to see Snap Jackson and some art show thingy. It's only 2 bucks and you get to support the local art community without having to hang out with stuffy wine and cheesers. Really it's win/win. $2

Superbowl Sunday 2/1

If I have to tell you what's going on Sunday then get the fuck out of my face because I will headbutt you. Of course I'm talking about Puppy Bowl V! How this event isn't sponsored by myRecord I'll never know. Then there's that whole football game thing too. Unfortunately I put all my money on a German Shepard to win MVP in the Puppy Bowl. Come onnnn Bella! Papa needs a new pair of shoes!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the long-delayed Real Stocktonian of the Year!

Yesterday was supposed to be a column taking on Fitzy's claim that Stockton should consider bankruptcy. But I've had a change of heart. I still think he's horrifically wrong, but that column was such an obvious bait job I thought I was listening to talk radio. I was half-expecting him to pause 10 seconds for station identification. I'm surprised he didn't end the column with "Good call, good call." Presenting bad ideas just to get a rise out of the readers doesn't look good on you Fitzy. Even if it is the magic "Open Sesame" for the bad contracts the city has, I still don't trust the people renegotiating those contracts. We're the guys who said unprecedented problems required unprecedented solutions, but that doesn't mean those extreme solutions have to be the worst ones possible. That was a shiny lure you threw out there Fitz, unfortunately we're smarter fish than that.

I know you guys are disappointed that we're not going to take a shot at the easiest target ever, but I think I know how to make it up to you. Yes, it's the long delayed...

Real Stocktonian of the Year!

Noted negative campaigner Clem Lee probably says it best, so we'll start off with his quote.

"I guess it's kind of the ultimate in symbolism, isn't it? The mayor of Ground Zero going through the same thing."

Somebody buy that man a goat because he's absolutely correct. But the irony is only a part of the reason he's getting Real Stocktonian honors. We'd previously mentioned him and Tom Morris for getting out of dodge as soon as the real shit started pouring in. This latest cutting of ties with the city just sealed the deal for Chavez. We'll go on until we get tired of documenting reasons why Chavez is a Real Stocktonian.

First, the impending foreclosure! You'd think we'd know more about foreclosures since we live in the highly-touted Ground Zero, but you'd be wrong. Mortgages involve math skills and a house, and we have neither. But considering Chavez gets something just under $200,000 in retirement pay just from the Police Chief job, it's safe to say he can probably afford his mortgage payments. Which is really the more telling part of his attempt at short selling his condo. Not only did he cut out after one term, now he's severing some of his last non-family ties to our fair city. He'll regret his decision to sell when Coachella happens and Indio is overtaken by the hipsterest hipsters to ever hipster. Where you gonna hide when a bunch of emo kids in hoodies camp out on your lawn? They don't need a hotel, hotels are way too main stream. But your lawn? Man, nobody's heard about your lawn yet, it's like it's their lawn because they found out about it first. But I digress.

Short selling your house isn't enough to be a Real Stocktonian, you also have to check out for the last few months of your job. It also helps to take forever negotiating pretty much everything. Like the seemingly simple General Plan, or that ill-advised attempt to get the city into the electricity game which only recently ended. Of course, we're ignoring the whole pissing off the police thing because I don't want to have to find all those links.

Also, to be a Real Stocktonian, the thing you're most proud of (in this case, the Strong Neighborhoods Initiative) has to be a miserable failure! Because what's $116 million if you can't pass out some of it to your pals?

Of course, the big reason we were even considering him in the first place was the fact that he decided that we apparently weren't worth it, and took off after one term. We can at least understand why Tom Morris took off. We get pissed when people fuck with our paychecks too. But Chavez only serving one term was just ridiculous. You can't get shit done in one term. Even Hopey McChangerson in the White House knows that. Chavez not seeking reelection was him giving up on Stockton. And frankly, it was the best thing he could have done for us.

He quit us out of love for Stockton! He realized he was way in over his head. Nobody told him it was gonna be this hard. You just approve more housing and the city gets money, right? Where's the money!? He was just doing what he was told! Shit, he can't even keep his lady's trap shut, how's he gonna keep the city in check? So he did what any patriot would do, take the hit and then get out of dodge! He quit us, for us. And for that we are grateful.

It takes a man to try and fix his mistakes. But it takes a real man to say "I don't want to fuck up shit any more than I already have, you guys fucking deal with it". And for that, we salute you Ed Chavez. You sir, really know what Stockton needs, somebody who's not you. And that's what makes a Real Stocktonian.

Look Kid

Dont bring some weak bullshit.  I've been bustin' heads and jacking darkies since before your pop lost his V-card. 

Why did I use a BB gun?  Practice mother fucker.  

Have you ever stolen a Model T ford?  I have.  Step your game up punk.  

I watched the neighborhood devolve.  I stayed.  Why? Clint told me too, thats why.  Now I see why he was having so much fun.

So next time you try and break into someone's house sonny, you better bring it.  Or my little dog will kick your ass again.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Sorry, busy day. Not anything unexpected, but I thought I'd have more time to post anyways. As you can see, I didn't. Where are you when I need you Bris Isaak!?

We'll be back tomorrow with all your regularly scheduled Sexy Friday posts.

And yes, this is fucking hilarious.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Quick Links for Jan 28th

I just love how some days are completely devoid of anything to do but then when we finally get thrown a bone it's an entire rack of ribs with even a little bit of meat still attached. When it rains it pours I guess. Let's see what we can get to today.

So does this mean he's now the Dolphin King?

Remember that wayward dolphin that made it up the Brookside levee? We haven't heard much about him since Alex Breitler went to DC. Apparently the dolphin (who we're calling Lemmiwinks since the Record failed to name it in a timely fashion) decided that if everybody was going to pay attention to a boring ceremony with a disappointing speech then he wasn't going to share his dolphin knowledge with us and peaced the fuck out. No word on what trials and tribulations Lemmiwinks had to go through to get back to his ocean home. We just hope he says hi to the Sparrow Prince for us on the way out.

OMG! OMG! The new "Ian Hill deep fries shit" is on!

Remember those exciting videos Kirk Barron promised the other day? Well they're here! And it include the latest edition of Stockton's culinary phenomenon, Ian Hill deep frying shit! In the last episode of Ian Hill deep fries shit, we watched as our protagonist gave us tips on how to properly deep fry a turkey. Which could most accurately be described as "defrost turkey, put in deep fryer, wait" while Hill had an "I can't believe I'm getting paid for this" look on his face.

In this episode he shows off his New York roots and schools us on how to properly make Buffalo Wings. But more importantly, it's the debut of a 30 year old man with a fauxhawk! We haven't actually gotten a chance to watch the video yet(like I said, busy day), but judging by the facial expressions in the pictures, it should be pretty funny. Here's hoping the next installment involves such awesome deep-fryables as the deep fried candy bar and deep fried Twinkies. Because if you're going to be dipping something into a vat of oil, it might as well be unhealthy to begin with to give it that double artery-clogging power. How they haven't tapped Hill's 209Vibe connections to get a beatbox theme for this show is beyond us.

Man, rents are totally falling! Except nobody can afford them still!

Wow, so this is a timely article. Having spent the past 2 months or so search craigslist for an apartment, I think I can safely say finding an affordable apartment isn't as easy as this article makes it out to be. Yes, it's cheaper, but it's still pretty fucking expensive. Even with my full time job I'd barely be scraping by with the rent prices in this article. The thing is, prices for multi-bedroom apartments are dropping. Single-occupancy apartments are still murder. And according to the manager at my complex, those are the ones they have the most trouble moving. The $645 price quoted in the article isn't cheap, it's average. Most 1 bedroom apartments are within the $600-$800 range. $800 is about how much my 2-bedroom place costs right now. So the housing market isn't having that big of an effect for guys like me who are tired of having a roommate who eats all my food but never buys their own.

On a side note, good Lord. How many "effects of the economy" articles can a paper run in one day. We have this one. The job fair article. And then there's Fitzy's column (aka the meat on the bone, which we'll get to tomorrow probably). Space this shit out a bit guys. The front page was just fucking depressing.

Ok, that's probably it from me today. Sorry it wasn't my best effort. Something feels a bit off and I can't quite place what it is. Hopefully I'm not getting sick, but that's kinda what it feels like. Maybe a Jagerbomb will make me feel better. Because if there's one thing that makes nausea go away, it's chugging half a can of Red Bull mixed with Jager.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

RTT OFF TOPIC Movies you can't see in Stockton review: The Wrestler

ed. note: Nothing really happened today, unless you want to read about Bob Barker buying the Lode area an elephant. But the best joke we could come up for that was "One guy was gonna bring it in for $1.5 mil but Barker outbid him with $1.5 mil and one dollar". So instead enjoy this movie review which really has nothing to do with Stockton, but is interesting anyways.

Wrestling fans are a classically pessimistic group. That'll happen when you're widely regarded as the red-headed stepchild of "sports" fans. The general public looks down on us as unintelligent hillbillies, fans of an illegitimate sport. Those in power in pro wrestling generally look down on us as the "marks", even though nobody over the age of 10 has fallen for the "con" of wrestling since the late 30s. No respect either way. We're the Rodney Dangerfield of "sports" fans.

So when I first heard about The Wreslter a little over two years ago, back when it was only known as "That Nic Cage wrestling movie" my first thought was "Nic Cage? That movie's going to blow."

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to movie to be good. It's just that wrestling and movies never mix. The history's there, No Holds Barred and Ready to Rumble, both are the most noted examples in pro wrestling movie suckdom. And with Nic Cage slated to star in the latest attempt (although it was later revealed they only flirted with Cage for about a week before settling on Mickey Rourke), it seemed that trend would continue. Confident that "The Wrestler" would suck, I promptly forgot I'd even read about it.

Next thing I know it's 2 years later and, holy shit, The Wrestler got made (again, thankfully, with Rourke instead of Cage). Then my wrestling fan pessimism kicked in. Is the general public ready for a pro wrestling movie? Did Chris Benoit scare everybody off? Oh shit! Chris Benoit! How the fuck is this movie going to get any press when nobody wants to touch wrestling with a 10-foot ladder? Are they going to address the Benoit thing? This isn't going to be some preachy "dangers of wrestling" movie is it? That'd just be depressing. And what about wrestling fans? They're a notoriously fickle bunch that would never accept a Hollywood-sanitized depiction of a classically seedy business. Yeah, it's fun to be me. And people wonder why I drink heavily.

But then something unexpected happened. Something that was so unfathomable I never even considered it. The Wrestler was good. Scratch that, not good, fucking great.

Darren Aronofsky fucking nailed the wrestling industry. The shop talk, the Ram's chilly relationship with his daughter, the almost cult-like dedication to fanny packs (next time you catch "Hogan Knows Best" rerun keep your eyes on the Hulkster's waistline. Chances are there's a fanny pack brother), the tacky clothes, the constant need to be "on", the absurdity of strolling through the dollar store to find weapons for a hardcore match, using a classroom as a locker room after wrestling an indy match for $20; Aronofsky did what I thought couldn't be done, he depicted the wrestling industry honestly and unapologetically. It's not all good, it's not all bad. It's just the way it is. I know that doesn't sound like much but the last pro wrestling movie I saw was Ready to Rumble, in which 30-something wrestling fans David Arquette and Scott Caan still thought wrestling was real. Think that's stupid? David Arquette then won the World Title, not in the movie, but in real life to help promote the movie. God I loved WCW.

But the wrestling fans were a gimmie. Regardless of whether or not it sucked, wrestling fans would go. The tough sell would be everybody else. No matter what I said, no matter how many awards it won or was nominated for, I couldn't find anybody willing to make the hour-long trek to the bay area to go see "a wrestling movie". I tried everything.

"It's a wrestling movie so if it's bad it's going to be hilariously bad. Like Rocky Horror Picture Show bad." Or, "It's not playing in Stockton so it has to be good." Or my personal favorite, "It's like 'Rocky' but with wrestling!"

Of course I said all of this before actually seeing the movie. Now that I've seen it, I would describe it in three words and instantly have half my friends on board. Marissa Tomei's tits. In an Academy Award nominated performance (I'm not kidding), Marissa Tomei shows off her glorious funbags for a good quarter of the movie. You know how in Striptease they take forever to get to Demi Moore's tits and even then obscure them with a tie or a drunken mustacheless Burt Reynolds? This is like the exact opposite. Sometimes Tomei's chesticles are out just while she's standing around at the strip club her character works at (God bless the mesh top). As far as I'm concerned, Aronofsky should recut this movie to feature Tomei and call it The Stripper. Slap that on a billboard with a close up shot of her dirty pillows and you got yourself a multimillion dollar motion picture. Although I'm not looking forward to that movie's version of the deli slicer scene.

Of course that's just one of the awesome surprises sprinkled throughout this movie. But instead of focusing on all the little things, let's tackle the big subjects. Aronofsky took a business full of characters that are often more ridiculous than their on screen personas and showed them for the passionate, everyday people that they are. They chase a job they love with a passion that's exceeded by few others. The Ram gave up his health, his family, hell he gave up anything resembling a relationship outside of the locker room and his relationship with the fans. He gave it all up for a piece of immortality.

The movie focuses on a chase too many wrestlers get caught up in. The chase for another chance at being immortalized by the fans. Even if that means taking a staple gun the the chest. Any wrestler will tell you that the feeling you get when you pop a crowd is one of the most addicting feelings you can have. That's the real drug problem in wrestling. People love to talk about the steroid problem. The pain killers, the sleeping pills, and even good old fashioned Mary Jane all pale in comparison to the feeling of thousands of fans hanging out your every move. Some people dream about stepping up to the plate during game 7 of the World Series with 2 outs and a full count in bottom of the 9th. Some people dream about 3rd and forever with less than 2 minutes on the clock, the entire season and the hopes of millions of people pinned on you making the perfect throw.

But those situations happen once a year, if at all. These guys get that feeling almost every day. Sure it's in a controlled environment, but that's part of the agreement between fans and wreslters. We'll suspend reality and cheer as if it were real as long as you put on a good show. Unfortunately the cost of putting on a good show day in and day out can take its toll. And, at least in the case of the Ram, the price of his relationship with the fans is that eventually, it's the only relationship he has left.

After a particularly brutal hardcore match The Ram suffers a heart attack and is told he has to hang it up. Suddenly Ram has to cope with the life he neglected in favor of chasing that next big rush from the crowd. Only after 20 years of neglect, he realizes wrestling is all he has left. His natural charisma that took him so far in the wrestling world only takes him so far in his attempts to woo Marissa Tomei and repair his relationship with his daughter. It's both sad and touching at the same time. A few weeks later I realized The Wrestler wasn't "'Rocky" with wrestling", it was (local connection alert!) "Fat City" with wrestling.

I won't spoil the ending but I don't think it's much of a surprise that he eventually goes back for "one more" big match with his most famous opponent the Ayatollah (played by former WCW wrestler Ernest Miller who's persona when actually wrestling is best described as a kickboxing James Brown). Randy suffers through considerable pain as he labors through the match in one of the cheesier moments of the film. The Ram clutches his chest a couple of times through the match to the point where he kind of resembles a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Red Fox.

The big question people ask me is if Randy Robinson dies at the end of the movie. But really, it doesn't matter. The message is clear, the fans are the only people who love The Ram anymore, and he'd kill himself to maintain that one lasting relationship. And really if there's such a thing as a preferred way to die, dying while doing what you love is the way to go. It may seem a little bit crazy, but when I left the theatre I couldn't help but be a little jealous of Randy "The Ram" Robinson.

But most importantly, for me at least, is that people might not be so quick to judge me for my admittedly weird facination with the world of pro wrestling. Sure it can be cheesy and doesn't look very real at times, but hopefully this movie can lend even a small amount of legitimacy to an illegitimate sport. Wait, what's this about Wrestlemania now? God damn it. That's going to suck.

Update: Awww...aww...awww... Why Lord? Why!?

Monday, January 26, 2009

If you owe the Library money, they will get you

Did you know Stockton still has libraries?  Apparently, the city does, and they are coming to get you.  The Library wants its money and it wants it now.  

Dealing with the rash of budget cuts, the Library is dealing with a $1 million shortfall and unpaid dues numbering $3.4 million from 1984 (!).

Good for them, but interesting things I gleaned from them...

When do you decide that enough is enough on late fee's?  I mean, come on.  $3.4 million in late fee's?  Jesus fucking christ man, how do you let it get to that point?  

Also, you let people check out 50 books at a time?  50?  5-0?  Of course your not getting all your books back.  If you let anyone have 50 of anything, your not getting it back.  Common sense usually likes to prevail there.

Quick Links for Jan. 26th

Sorry for cutting out early Friday. I don't want to get too much into it but for those of you out there renting an apartment with a roommate, it's usually a good idea to tell your roommate before you put in 30-days notice. Especially when your roommate has a vacation planned in that time period. Yes, I live with a complete fuckshovel. Not for much longer apparently. And a hearty welcome back to Bris Isaak. I'm jealous of his new computer. Let's Quick Link some shit up!

It's this kind of dedication to detail that got Fitzy all those awards

We've pretty much ignored Fitzy's 55-word poem contest over the past month. Mostly because we can't stand the guy. Also, as noted before, we're not poets and frankly, we know it (sorry, too easy). Plus, the Record's been really contest happy lately (there's still a chance to be named the Thunder's #1 fan...that doesn't already have season tickets) and well, this is one of the more boring ones.

Of course it's still fun to read because we get to see if we recognize any of the names and get a better view of who actually buys into Fitzy's shit (Elwood Baer, you disappoint us greatly). Plus most of the entries, because of the 55-word limit, are hilariously bad. We won't break any of them down because, again, poetry ain't our deal. But we do have to point out one more thing before we move on. From the linked column:

"Subjects range from a Dr. Zeussy poem about dissecting echoes to a powerful indictment of a recent CHP shooting."

And now we ask, who the fuck is Dr. Zeuss? When did Tiny Lister find all that time to get his medical degree?

Ok, you guys win. The title's yours

We were already pessimistic of our title chances after seeing that homicides were at 40-year lows, but this is the icing on the cake. Our cops may crash into each other, they may bitch and moan a lot, and they may even shoot innocent people just trying to protect their family. But for all the shit we give SPD, at least they aren't Plaxicoing themselves. Wait is it too late to add that to the reasons I love Stockton? I love Stockton because for all of their faults, at least they're not shooting themselves in the foot...well, literally at least.

We're #10! We're #10!

I don't know if you've watched TV over the past 2 years, but if you kept the boob tube on for more than 15 mins, chances are you've heard about the digital conversion. Being a cable subscriber, those commercials really annoyed me because they didn't apply to me. I assumed after our TVs were assaulted with monotone commercial after monotone commercial, not unlike the onslaught of political ads during the seemingly endless election, that people would have figured it out. But, true to form, Stockton proved me wrong. Granted, only 7.3% of the Stockton/Sacramento/Modesto market isn't ready for the change, but that's still good enough to make us the 10th least prepared market.

The main culprit? As usual, painfully old people. Like the lady quoted in the linked article who's TVs were so old that she needed what sounds like an RF modulator to connect the digital convertor box to her antenna-only TV. Remember RF modulators? Those things that hooked onto the antenna screws on the back of realllly old TVs in the 80s that were used to hook up the AV cables of old school Nintendo and Sega systems? Yeah, most of us had those figured out by the age of 10. Yet, instead of heading to her local Radio Shack and finding out they cost a grand total of $27 (although a quick Google search can turns up some for as low as $7) she decided to buy two 19-inch flat screens. At least we know why she didn't give her name. Man old people are awesome.

The real question is did Marty Greenstein get to hit anybody in the face with a cookie sheet?

Now that we've just weathered the media's assault during the most insufferable political news week ever (Did you hear? There's a black guy in the White House. Black!), it's time to rest. Oh wait, what? It's Super Bowl media week? Well fuck me with Steely's McBeam. Only in America would we follow up an insufferable news week with an insufferabler one (I think I just broke my spell check with "insufferabler"). And what better way to get things started than with the classic "local reporter fan of previously laughable underdog that finally made it" story?

Of course, this being the Record's sports page they print Greenstein's NFC title game recap a week after the fact. And Greenstein also broke the cardinal rule (Ha!) of "my team finally made it to the big game" columns by predicting a Cardinals win as if it were a foregone conclusion. But actually, I kind of like that. It's not too often you see someone convey an actual opinion in The Record's sports columns. Unless of course that opinion is something like "-The Cardinals worked hard to get to where they are, they deserve it." Which is more of a statement of fact than an opinion (sorry, had to jump in on the Ol' Bulletpoint bashing).

Misc. Blog roundup

And finally, we check out the blogs where Christian Burkin warns us of a criminal demographic that not even the racist recordnet commenters had counted on, goat theft auto! Let's see them try and claim high-density housing equals more crime now! We gotta keep an eye on farms too! No word on if Ann Johnston was taken in for questioning.

Also, Jagdip Dhillon continues his ascent to becoming my favorite Record Sports writer by actually referencing Mixed-Martial Arts! Sure it's at the end of a post about the ugly Tigers/Gauchos game that was nationally broadcast on ESPNU for all to see how much the Big West sucks, but we weren't even sure the Record's sports staff even knew what MMA was considering they haven't written anything about it since EliteXC came into town. So even a passing mention gives us hope that they'll realize this is a legitimate sport that's not going away any time soon.

And the rarely seen Kirk Barron checks in on the Online Blog to let us know that Recordnet is working on getting more of what you've all been clamoring for, videos! Yes, from the people who brought you such exciting videos as "Mother dough reaches Boudin" and Ian Hill's star turn as the Martha Stewart of deep-fried turkeys, the Record's online staff is working hard this week to bring us more depressing videos on the Cleveland school shooting and God knows what else. Because if there's one thing I think when I read boring feature interviews with termed out politicians it's "Man, if only I could watch Victor Mow give boring, stock answers it would make it so much more interesting." Hopefully they combine the best of two ideas and bring us "adorable puppies shot close up using a wide-angle lens". Preferably set to the Benny Hill theme. Although to be fair, everything should be set to the Benny Hill theme.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Guess who decided to join the fray

Ok, I want, for just a minute, you to consider how much you use a computer in your daily life.   Think.  So when your computer crashes (Thanks Microsoft, you truly suck my ass), you're left out in the cold wondering where life is taking you.  

On a positive note, I won my Big Money fantasy football league via text message, a league I was in with a bunch of cops.  So maybe the city should decide to approve that raise PD is crying about.  Douchebags.  Thats what you get when money is involved with a Jew.  When it comes to cash, we will destroy every scenario possible to get it.  

So in honor of having a computer again, I decided what better way to re-join the ranks of the informed than with a tribute to Bob Highfill column!  

-Did you know the Steelers are in the Superbowl?

-Did you know that the Cardinals are playing in the Superbowl for the first time?

-College football needs a playoff.

-Water is wet.

-Thunder....I got nothing.

-Barry Obama is President.

-The United States has 50 states.

-49er fans suck.  Being at a Steelers bar to enjoy a conference championship game was awesome.  Except for the Raider fans disguised as 49er fans who tried to fight everyone.  
  Checklist for new era 49er fan:
  -no job
  -pregnant 15 year old girlfriend
  -infatuation with Alex Smith
  -Jeff Garcia Shirtless Poster
  -knives taped to every extremity on body except the one too small to support weapon
  -fight mom for daring to call Alex Smith bust
  -fight post man for calling Alex Smith bust
  -fight priest for calling Alex Smith bust
As you can tell, the close proximity in the bay has bled over and the lines between Niner fans and Raider fans are just colors now.

-Lincolns basketball team is good, St. Mary's is not.

-The Records website is easy to use.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Shit to do for the weekend of 1/23-1/24 (nothing to do on fucking Sunday)

Fuck it's been a long couple days. Slick won't be in today. Trust me, there's a decent excuse. And to think this week started out so promising. Here's your shit to do. Excuse me while I go get shitty drunk.

Sexy Friday 1/23

One of my favorite acts is coming to Modesto tonight as Jason Webley hits up Hero's with the Phenomanauts, Before 20, and the Blast Bandits at 8pm. I've seen Jason a couple of times, the last time being at the Blackwater a few years back. His shows are interesting and always fun. I don't want to ruin too much for you but just know that last time I ended up having to hug the photographer the Record sent (this was before 209Vibe when the Record actually kind of covered local entertainment) while the entire room stopped and said "Welcome!" as he came in. Yeah, Jason Webley's a fuckin' blast. Now lay your head on the belly of the person next to you... $10

Saturday 1/24

Del Scorpion and the Stingers play the Blackwater at 8 on Saturday. Apparently they're some old school 60s band so that should be fun, as Blackwater shows usually are. $10

Or if you're broke you could always head down to the Beach Hut Deli at 8 to catch the 209 All Stars. Somehow FunkyTim's involved. I guess he's an All Star. Feel free to say what's up to the newest citizens of Alphabet City while you're there. Free

Sunday 1/25

No football, no shows. What the fuck is this? Utah? Sunday's still the weekend right? I'm sure as shit aren't going to suggest you go to fucking church.

I'd say go see a movie or something but considering every one of our movie theaters carries Paul Blart: Mall Cop and not a single one carries multiple Acadamy Award nominee The Wrestler, Regal theaters can go fuck themselves.

Yeah, I'm in a great mood today. Who knew a short work week could be this fun. Even Sexy Friday was kind of disappointing. Although that bacon bikini (yeah, it was a bacony day at KSK today) was kinda cool.

See you guys next week.

Kings Kolumn: An argument against tanking

We're 43 games into the NBA season. The Kings have won 10 of those games. To say it's been a long season would be an understatement of epic proportions. I'm pretty sure I've aged more this year than in the past 5. Yeah, I expected the team to suck. Just not this horribly. They were down by 20 to the Wizards at one point. The fucking Wizards. At home! The Wizards are one of the few teams with a worse record than the Kings! And those bastards in purple and black had the audacity to be proud of themselves for cutting that lead down to 3 by the end of the game. They played 12 minutes of decent basketball. The other 36 minutes were spent inviting the former Bullets to waltz down the lane for uncontested layups. Nobody should have felt good about shit after that game.

Of course, in losing to a team with a worse record than them, some Kings fans started talking about how it was a good thing. They were talking about tanking. Losing on purpose to increase the number of ping pong balls in the draft lottery. And while I've been an advocate of finding the silver lining in what's otherwise a throwaway season I gotta say, fuck that.

Tanking does make sense, but let's face it, it's no fun whatsoever. Hell, technically we're still trying and we lost to the Celtics by 50 and most recently getting absolutely butt fucked by the Nuggets just 3 days ago. Do we really need to fucking tank?

The thing with tanking, besides the fact that I find it karmically abhorrent, is that it changes the culture of a team. It poisons the tiny amount of team chemistry we have. Yes, I'm aware team chemistry is an overrated intangible, but we're a young team. Chemistry is a lot more important with younger players. And it's not even the whole culture of losing thing because we suck without tanking. But if the fans start openly cheering for the team to lose (even if they don't do so during games), it's going to kill their confidence and they won't develop into the elite players I know they can be.

Don't believe me? Just look at Quincy Douby and tell me I'm wrong. Do you want a team of Quincy Doubys? I didn't think so. Our youthful team is at it's most fragile right now. And if we turn our backs on them now they might never come back. That would fuck up this whole future brigade for tommorwland shit. If we don't support these guys, who will? Nobody else knows how secretly talented our team is. Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson, Kevin Martin, Francisco Garcia, Donte Green; we're going to be sneaky about 2 years.

But that's just the thing, nobody's fucking patient anymore. People (coughthemaloofs!cough) want results right away, and shit just doesn't happen like that. But no, everybody wants to be the fucking Celtics. Worst to first in a year. But what nobody wants to realize is the reason last year's Celtics team was so special is because that shit doesn't happen every year. Hell, it doesn't happen every 5 years. You can't pin the hopes and dreams of your team on a fuckin miracle.

You have to look at it from a realistic perspective. We don't have this history of a Boston Celtics. I don't see 17 banners hanging from the rafters. We don't have a former player as the GM of another team to make a borderline shady trade with. And we definitely don't have defensive role-players to help out like the Boston Three Party does.

That's why teams like the Celtics and the Arizona Cardinals are bad for sports. They keep alive that notion that every team is just a year away from a championship game. And we're not. We're a good 5 years from even thinking about being a championship contender. And even that seems a little short.

This draft sucks, it's the Pervis Ellison draft all over again. I don't see I single player in this draft that makes me think "Man, if only we had him we'd be a playoff team in 2010." (And I'm including Ricky Rubio in that statement) It just isn't fucking happening. So instead of pretending the answer to all our prayers is just around the corner, everybody needs to sit back and think if they really think that the result of tanking will really help us that much. I'd much rather cheer for Spencer Hawes and Jason Thompson than half-ass it and secretly hope the team goes down the tubes. Remember, this team has 10 wins and is losing games by 20-30 points and they're trying (I'm excluding Brad Miller from this statement). I don't think I can sit through another 39 games if they stop.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Quick Links for Jan 22nd

Well, now we know what happens when the entire nation decides we don't need to know what else happened on Tuesday and doesn't report other news. I have to stretch to find content and fuck it all up. Well, let's check out the Record and see if anything went on toda...ahhhh! Avalanche!!!! (Thank God.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the definition of too soon

We're notorious, emotionless dicks who will make fun of anybody, but even this seems like a bit much. Your daughter died unexpectedly in somebody's house, and your first inclination is to give the press your theories about her cause of death? No remembering the good times? No, straight into "She OD'd." Is her body even fucking cold yet? Hell, Morris Senegor (the dad) even said he didn't know of any drug history his daughter had, yet he's all ready to offer up an overdose as a scenario. Look man, just fucking grieve. Give everybody a chance to believe this was just a cruel act of God for, God forbid, half a day before you crush her image in everybody's mind with OD rumors. Yes, there's no good way to do this, but that doesn't mean you pick the worst fucking possible way to announce shit like that.

Death is never easy, take it from us. When El Duke worked in medical supplies he would have to tell families who's parent's just died that they couldn't return the $2000 scooter they had just bought for their parents 3 days earlier because the owner was a money grubbing dick. He says it made him feel like a "soulless cock" and that it still does a little bit to this day. And these are people he barely knew. Your daughter died, just say "it's sad" and let the people who's job it actually is announce that shit when they have all the tests done. It's not like we really needed to know the cause of death right away anyways. Announcing shit like that right away with no tests just makes shit seem fishy. Like you want us to believe it's one thing when there's a chance it's something else. We're not saying anything fishy went down, she was probably just huffing canned air, but preemptive cause of death speculation is unneeded and just kind of a dick move.

Of course, this could all just be a matter of quote use and placement. They put the important quotes (like probable cause of death) up front and bury all the stock grieving quotes that every story like this has (isn't journalism awesome?), but David Siders is a pretty good writer so we tend to go with the the mother's side of the family in the "Come on, now? Really?" side of the argument.

Bitches man, bitches

Of course there's too much information in that article, there's nowhere near enough in this one. Why did she slash the tires? Did she catch him in bed with his baby's mama? Did he make the fatal error of telling her she's PMSing when she was PMSing? Did he tell her those jeans made her ass look big? Or is she just a crazy, unstable bitch and that's what gets him off about her? We need to know these things! If for no other reason than to prevent the commentors from making crazy racist jokes, which as of this morning they had already made 5 of. God I love this town.

We said it yesterday and we'll say it again, the more things change, the more they stay the motherfucking same

The great clusterfuck continues! The Delta Trustees extended a giant middle finger to Mountain House and killed campus funding "for now". How Gerry Kamilos bought that I'll never know. Apparently he's way more trusting than we are. And really, it's always smart to trust a group of people who got where the are by campaigning against the campus the promised to get back to.

Fuck, today ended up being busier than I thought. That shit's always gotta happen on the same day news happens (or is reported at least). Tomorrow El Duke should have a Kings Kolumn up and the requisite Shit to do. If we can get the screengrabs we'll do our Top 5 revisit, if not we'll push it to next week. And if I can find time Real Stocktonian tomorrow. It's not set in stone so if you have any suggestions, please e-mail us.

Holy shit! Layoffs!? This is the worst thing to possibly ever happen ever and has never happened to anyone else!

Note: This originally appeared in today's eventual Quick Links (I know, two posts in one day, I'm a work horse), but it got really long so we cut it and made it it's own post. So, enjoy.

We've been fairly critical of Stockton PD for their reaction to possible budget cuts for the past couple months, and today's going to be no different. Don't get us wrong, we feel bad for them. Layoffs blow. I've been laid of before, it fucking sucks. At least when you get fired it's for something you actually did. Getting laid off kills the notion that if you just keep your head down, nose to the grindstone, that shit will be OK.

All that being said, the fact that they're just now being subjected to budget cuts and are just now considering layoffs puts them in a better position than half the country. Complaining about layoffs like you guys are the first people to ever lose their job for economic reasons just pisses off everybody who's been in the unemployment line for the past year. And, I don't know if PD's been reading the news lately but, that's a lot of fucking people. The word "layoff" just doesn't resonate like it used to because we read about layoffs pretty much every day now.

Yes, it sucks that this will probably happen. We don't want to lose cops as much as the next guy. But bitching about it to the media to try and garner public support isn't going to work. A. You guys didn't do a very subtle job. B. You guys have been bitching for like a year straight and it's getting tiresome. And C. What's your magical solution to make $30 million appear in the general fund? If you don't have a solution to the thing you're bitching about, you're a bitch! That's why they call it bitching! We've been guilty of it, we're bitches. But then again, we're bloggers, not the fucking cops. It's kind of expected from us. And even then, we try and offer up some sort of solution.

I know this is going to be hard for some fragile cop egos to hear but you guys are just like everybody else. We're not ones to defend the city much, but when they say "nobody's safe" from the economic cuts, they fucking mean it. Unprecedented economic woes mean unprecedented solutions. Like laying off cops. You guys were immune to cuts before, but not anymore. Sorry you guys aren't special anymore. But considering after these layoffs are before the city has the cut another $30 mil, it's safe to say these layoffs aren't just a possibility, they're inevitable! So instead of bitching and moaning about something you can't stop, why not try the smart solution? (Yes, unlike PD, we're actually going to offer a decent solution)

I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that the public doesn't have too high an opinion of SPD right now. They've been bitching about their raise forfucking ever, shooting innocent people, and crashing into each other. No matter who's right or who's wrong in those situations, the result is not positive for the Police department. Coming out and bitching about the shit you guys believe you deserve as if you're better than the rest of us who are having a tough economic go just renforces the whole entitled cop stereotype. People lose respect for the badge, and that's when people listen to movie security over PD.

Instead, take these inevitable cuts, and use them to start drumming up positive PR. Yes PR, that stands for PUBLIC RELATIONS, which SPD has done a dog shit job at. Take these cuts that are going to happen and tell us how you'd prefer to keep everybody but the economy's tough and you have to do what's best for the city. We know that's what you think you're doing now, but please, bear with us. You take these layoffs in stride, play up the whole Joe Sixpack thing that was so popular during the recent elections, trying and buck that hardass, entitled cop stereotype so you can work on looking sympathetic to the public. It's not gonna be easy, but it's easier than kicking and screaming like fucking babies.

Then, when public perception is more positive, campaign for another Measure W-like thing while property values are in the fucking toilet. That way, there's no possible way you can overestimate the funding you'll get from that measure. Then, when the housing market bounces back (and we know shit looks bleak right now, but it will) you'll have fucking boatloads of cash to hire everybody back, plus the 40 guys Measure W was supposed to hire.

We're no economists. Hell, there's probably an assload of flaws in the scenario I just presented. But frankly PD has a huge PR problem right now and bitching about layoffs that almost every sector of society has already had to deal with isn't going to solve the problem.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Quick Correction

UPDATE: Ok, so I'm pretty sure I've figured this out. After an e-mail (thanks BTW) and a bit of research (well, Wikipedia) we've discovered that Kay Ryan, the woman Fitzy was referring to, is something called the Poet Laureate of the United States. Who's job apparently is to promote the poetry medium. Which is a job we don't envy at all.

Elizabeth Alexander is the human fire alarm and apparently a well respected poet. As you can probably tell from the copious amounts of swearing on this site, we're very well read. God I feel like a dumb shit.

In the Quick Links today I assumed that the poet laureate Fitzy was referring to was the lady who immediately followed Obama's speech. But after skimming today's USA Today I realized it was a completely different person...I think.

The lady, who's name I can't immediately remember (furthering our dedication to research that results in posts like this), was born in New York, not San Jose. So the broad that drove people away as if she were a living fire alarm probably isn't the person Fitzy is talking about. Although to be fair he cited a blog (which, we know we are, but people shouldn't solely cite blogs. Blogs are guidelines, not hard news), and I'm citing USA Today. Granted that's not much better, but whatever.

Honestly we're just shocked somebody thought 2 poets in one ceremony was a good idea. That shit took forfuckingever. That's why I assumed it was the same person, because why the fuck would they book more shit after the speech that everyone came to see?

Either way, sorry for making assumptions. Unless we end up being right and Fitzy wrong. Then we'll laugh for about a year.

An all-blog Quick Links for Jan 21st

Man, waking up today you just can't help like refreshed and ready to start a new era in American history. Or it's just like every other God forsaken Wednesday. Wait, it's Wednesday right? Those 3-day weekends always throw me off.

Well, let's open up the Record and see what news there is today. There's inauguration news, some...err..oh hey! More courthouse news, nice! And then there's... well, inauguration news, and some...inauguration news. Fuck, I wonder if anything big happened last night. I know, let's turn to the Sports page. They have to have written about something else. Wait, what's this? "Sports world pauses as new president takes office"? What the fuck is that shit? He was inaugurated at noon on a Tuesday! What sport has games scheduled to be paused at fucking noon? Oh no! They had to rearrange flight schedules! Stop the presses! We need to get this in there!

Alright, fuck this. I'm doing an all blog Quick Links since the Record decided to take a break from reporting actual news to suck Obama's cock like the rest of the nation.

At least they got the important shit out of the way first

Of course we start an all blog Quick Links with David Siders. Sure Fitzy has been posting more lately but Siders' shit is actually interesting. In this post he notes that the city council goal setting meeting only barely touched on the budget at the very end, which is disconcerting to say the least. But let's face it, it's the city council. Did you really expect them to get shit done? At least they finally ended that retarded electricity bid. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

As usual, Fitzy backs the wrong horse

One of the funniest things about the inauguration (which, despite our contempt for the oversaturated coverage, we did watch) was the mass exodus immediately following Obama's speech. As soon as the words "And now a poem from poet laureate..." hit the loud speakers millions of people started peacing out. Hell, I took that as my cue to stop watching the coverage which is a shame because I missed that adorable old man and his rhyming prayer. Well, that poet laureate apparently has SJ Valley ties. What ties? Nobody knows, apparently not even Fitzy as the link he provides actually says she was born in San Jose. I'm no geographer, but I'm pretty sure that makes her a Bay Area girl. Hell, it doesn't even say which part of the valley she's from, just that she grew up in the valley and the Mojave desert. Which tends to make us believe that she lived on the very southern end of the valley. Leave it to Mike Fitzgerald to find the most tenuous of local connections to an event and have it be the person who caused millions of people to file out as if the fire alarm went off as soon as she opened her mouth.
I'm retarded.

Dr. King would be proud

Jennifer Torres' first blog of the new year notes that, just like in Stockton, streets named after Martin Luther King have traditionally not been in the best neighborhoods. El Duke told me the other day that in pro wrestling legend Mick Foley's first book he noted that wrestlers who needed to score some drugs while on the road the first place they would usually go to was the street named after MLK in whatever city they were in. It's sad, really. But hey, we're not the ones who decided renaming Charter would be a great idea. Hooray reenforcing stereotypes!

You just had to go and open Pandora's box with that cat on bed picture

Last Friday's edition of myRecord featured a picture of a cat laying on a bed. Yeah, it's real hard hitting journalism over there. Of course, by printing that picture, they opened themselves up to cat ladies all over Stockton. We assume their inbox is now full of pictures of cute, cuddly animals of all sorts. And it looks like we're right. Today's myRecord features a picture of a dog giving its best "get that fucking camera out of my face" look. And it can't stop there, the link to the Online blog above continues the adorable animal motif Ian Hill seems to be going for. But to be fair, that's one a-fucking-dorable bunny. But the rhyming old civil rights guy was still adorabler.

Holy shit, we're about to say something positive about the Record's sport dept!

We've made it pretty clear that we wouldn't wipe our asses with the Record's sports pages. Mostly because of shitty columns, devoting way too many resources to high school sports, completely ignoring MMA despite having 3 of the more popular/talented mixed-martial artists living (actually living, not just being born here) in the area (Nick and Nate Diaz and Jake Shields) and perhaps the most legendary fighter ever growing up here (Ken Shamrock), and their refusal to use anything but wire services to cover the localish professional teams.

All that being said we're really glad they finally gave Jagdip Dhillon a blog. We're not the biggest college basketball fans in the world, but Jag is actually, you know funny. Plus he appears to be the one of the few people on the sports staff (along with Marty Greenstein) that understands the internet. Their podcast is usually fairly entertaining and it's only natural they give the guy an opportunity to blog since the Record seems to have a policy against giving people who actually have something to say a column.

I don't follow UOP's basketball team too much, something about not giving a shit about a team that plays in a conference that only gets one March Madness bid that usually ends in a one-and-done, but Dhillon has thrown up some interesting stats and stories about the team that are worth reading. (4-20 from the field for all starters? Did they plan that as a joke to their stoner friend or are they really that inconsistent?)

Although we have to note that Road Warrior/Legion of Doom member Hawk isn't proud of anything. He died a few years back. Gotta love pro wrestling!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The return of the Rube of the Month and why I love this city.

After taking a break for the month of December, the Rube of the Month award is back! There's no real reason we didn't pass out this award last month. We just kinda forgot. Plenty of rubeish things happened I'm sure. But that was that month. Now it's 2009. So let's get this shit rolling.

You rube of the month for January is Record Managing Editor Don Blount for this piece of journalistic gold that appeared on Page 2 of the Record last week.

Honestly, we're not entirely sure where to begin. The entire thing is fucking hilarious. It starts out promising enough with the sentence "What comes to mind when thinking of Stockton?" Which is probably the most loaded question ever presented in the Record. Lots of things come to mind when we think of Stockton. None of them appear in this column.

But before we get to what we think of Stockton, let's see what Blount thinks of when he thinks of Stockton.

"...perhaps it's University of the Pacific and its Brubeck Jazz Institute."

Yeah, I don't think of UOP when I think Stockton. Mostly because UOP is only barely in Stockton. Which is an impressive feat considering is smack dab in the middle of the city. One time when trolling the message boards I saw somebody refer to UOP as "the island" and I can't think of a better name for it. UOP doesn't represent Stockton at all. Next!

"Some would argue that crime should be synonymous with a city that traditionally ranks near the top of cities its size for crime, according to FBI crime statistics."

This one at least makes a little sense. And to be honest it probably is what most people think of when they think of Stockton. That doesn't make them right, every city has crime problems. Ours is just bigger. Plus that's kind of a depressing way to think of Stockton. Crime shouldn't define any city. Because, again, every city has it. Same with his claim that foreclosures may define Stockton. Although, foreclosures are at least closer to home. (rimshot) But the foreclosures alone aren't what defines this city, but more on that later.

Let's get to what Don Blount thinks of specifically when he thinks of Stockton, and the main reason he's getting the rube distinction this month. We have to warn you though, we don't suggest reading this next part while eating or drinking anything. Hell, if you're chewing gum you might want to take it out and set it on a napkin for a second. The next couple sentences are a severe choking hazard. You've been warned.

"However, let's put some other words to Stockton. Words like: theater, symphony and opera."

Glad I warned you? Yeah, you're welcome.

It's at this point I thought I was reading a satirical column. There's no way somebody is this disconnected from reality. Especially someone who's job is, you know, the fucking news. Sadly, he was dead serious.

Three things: First, we have a fucking opera? Like fat lady in a Viking helmet singing in Italian? Where the fuck is that? Second, symphony? Really? How many Stocktonians have actually been to a Stockton Symphony concert? I'd really like to know the percentage. I've been but that was solely for a music class at Delta. And it was like pulling teeth. It's quite possibly the stuffiest place in Stockton. Oh no! Someone sneezed during the concerto! Time to write a letter to the Record about nobody respecting the symphony! And third, is he just listing shit he goes to in Stockton? Should my list read "bars, strip clubs, and Food 4 Less"?

But hey, let's continue.

"Most of all, the word that applies to Stockton is home."

Awww, how touching. Of course "home" applies to Stockton. So do the words "city" and "area". But please, be more vague.

Finally he kind of sputters out at the end by saying he likes Stockton despite the myriad of problems that afflict the city. Well gee, thanks.

Only a rube would think any of those things actually represent Stockton. Like I've said, I love Stockton. It's a city that grows on you. Sure, initially you see the crime, the foreclosures, the inexplicable spending of tax dollars and think if it wasn't for those things Stockton might be an OK town. Blount said it himself, he likes the city in spite of all the problems that it has. Well you know what? Fuck that. I love this city because of all the problems it has.

Stockton wouldn't be Stockton without all the weird shit that goes on here. Only in Stockton could escape from jail be as easy as switching uniforms and jumping in another line. Only in Stockton would somebody, after successfully escaping from jail, choose to stay in Stockton instead of fleeing to Mexico. Eric Hu's seen Shawshank, right? Apparently Kelly Drive was his Zihuatenejo.

Only in Stockton could a city be so embarrassed of it's residents. It's really Stockton's biggest problem. The city (and when I say "the city" I mean city government, the decision makers) desperately wants to be something it's not. Just look at Blount's column. Opera, theater and, symphony? Is he talking about Stockton or fucking San Francisco? We're never going to be that kind of city. Stockton leaders are like the awkward nerd in high school who, after years of pining, finally worked up the testicular fortitude to ask the head cheerleader out on a date. Only they're getting unmercifully shut down. It's both hilarious and cringeworthy at the same time. We're like every Michael Cera role ever. We're the George Michael Bluth of cities. And I love that about us.

We love that Stockton's the foreclosure capital of the world? Why? Because it shows we're constantly reaching for a better quality of life. And that's what we think of when we think of Stockton. We're the American fucking dream (Not Dusty Rhodes, and yes, we're aware the cheese-o-meter is pegging right about now). We're a patchwork city of people from every corner of the world. Asians, Latinos, African-Americans, white folk all working hard to provide a better future for the next generation. And sometimes that means buying a house you can't afford. It means doing what you can to be able to afford a better quality of life, even if it means signing a mortgage with a ridiculous interest rate that you don't understand and have to work 12 hours a day to afford (Although if you can find a job/jobs with those kinds of hours you're doing better than most Stocktonians). We're a town of scrappy motherfuckers who have to fight for every opportunity.

Hmmm, when I think of Stockton I think of fighters. Where have I heard that before? Oh wait, I said that 6 months ago. And it still rings true today. Sure, foreclosures mean somebody lost their fight for a better quality of life. But I'd much rather have fought and lost than not fought at all.

When people think of Stockton, they're probably going to think negative things. And you know what? If they want to, that's fine. It's understandable. It's easy to think that way. And while this city seems to find new ways to frustrate me every week, I love it so much that I fight through it. Why? Because as a famous Stocktonian once said, "Real fighters are from Stockton."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Oh hey look, a special holiday Quick Links!

We usually take holidays off, but considering the pain in the ass it is to find stories once they've been bumped from the main news page, I felt the need to shit out a Quick Links before I'd be forced to navigate the Record's search engine. Which is the equivalent of taking a claw hammer between the eyes, or wading through a 12-page special edition commemorating a horrible event most people would rather not relive. They're all pretty much the same.

Finally, someone represents our point of view

It was inevitable, but yeah, we reached the "fucking still?" part of this debacle at least 3 years ago. They don't want a fucking Super Wal-Mart. Just leave it the fuck be. Lodi took decent care of their current Wal-Mart and they don't see why they need a new one. Hell, Lodi's Wal-Mart is cleaner than Stockton's Super Wal-Mart and Lodi's has been around for a shitload longer. Can we just end this? Please? Build one in Galt. Nobody gives a shit about Galt.

Fuck! How am I supposed to spend my Friday nights now?

You may not have known this, but we're all staunch advocates of cockfighting. Chickens are barely sentient beings that we raise because they're delicious. Why not have them fight too? They're not cute and cuddly, they look like fucking dinosaurs for fuck's sake. It's not like they're a fucking dolphin or something.

Hey, speaking of, what happened to that dolphin? Alex Breitler (the reporter, not the dolphin) takes off for DC all hopped up on hope (Side note: Nice sweater) and nobody's left to cover the dolphin story? Is he dead? Did it jump over the levee into somebody's pool in some reverse Free Willy thing? And most importantly, why hasn't it been named yet? You gotta jump on this shit or else you end up with Mark S. Allen naming that fucker. You know, the guy who never met a movie he wouldn't give a positive quote for. Do we really want this thing to be named after some shitty kids movie? Oh hey, we got sidetracked for a sec...

Yeah, cockfighting is awesome. It's an accepted sport in many Latin countries and we shouldn't deny our large Latino population a chance to participate in their exciting sport of choice. How would you feel if you went to Mexico and they said you can't play American football? You'd be pissed. Let them play! Let them play! Let them play!

Yeah, because this shouldn't be confusing at all

Remember that whole thing about renaming Charter Way MLK Blvd? Yeah, I tend to stay away from that area too, but on the chance occasions that I've been down there I see the double named street signs and shake my head. And now they're gone. And it's a shame because it was a great reminder as to just how stupid our city government is. Here's a city that went through unprecedented growth, building houses (and the resulting infrastructure) faster than we could fill them. Yet instead of naming one of the numerous new streets after Dr. King, they had to rename one of the larger streets in Stockton. There's a street named after Vlade Divac (off of Holman between March and Hammer across from Chavez), fucking rename that. And I love Vlade Divac. Fuck, rename Holman. I'm not even used to that one yet and only a few businesses would have to change their business cards. I'm pretty sure Dr. King would have preferred that over the shithole street we ended up giving him. I'm sure his family is excited that King's name will appear in the Record a lot in association with shootings and hit and runs.

Quick! Get the Pinasco's lawyer on the phone!

What the fuck are people doing running from cops in Morada? That's the safe part dammit! According to the reader reactions (which only occasionally carry extra nuggets of news hidden behind blatant racism) the family is claiming the CHP is in the wrong. Look, they pull over, you ran. Once you run it's your fault. End of story.

Ok, see you guys tomorrow. Hopefully we won't have ODed on hope and change by then.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Shit to do for the weekend of 1/16-1/18

So apparently last week's lack of events on the 209Vibe calendar was due to a computer glitch or something. The "add events" function was broken. It works now. Add events, if only to keep me near the borderline levels of sane that I claim to be. Also, I would have posted more but I just bought Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 (go ahead, point and laugh at the wrestling geek, I'll wait) and have been working hard to become Undisputed Champion. Gotta love my priorities. Let's see if there's anything to do this weekend worth putting pants on for.

Sexy Friday 1/16

Punkabilly at the Blackwater tonight at what 209Vibe says is 8am but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess they meant pm. The Midnight Howlers, the Infamous Swanks, and the Wilddly Wahs will be there. $6

Saturday 1/17

The Beach Hut Deli celebrates it's one year anniversary at 8:30 with Fresh Kid Q and Letter K and the Alphabet Asylum. Beach Hut's usually got good bands and dollar pints of Pabst so this should be a good show. Free

Sunday 1/18

Who's going to go to a show this Sunday anyways? Like Slick said earlier, this weekend is about the last enjoyable moments you'll have before the media crushes your soul with Obama/Superbowl coverage. Who's the geek for buying a new video game to kill a couple of weeks now? Oh wait, still me. Like me, you'll probably be watching football this Sunday. Feel like being more productive? Go to Fats and watch the game.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a ladder match to win.


I had the Record redesign review allllll fucking ready to go and like that it fucking disappeared. I'm way too pissed to spend another 45 minutes rewriting it. Fuck. God fucking dammit.

We think it sucks and there's no emphasis on Local news, there's just less news. I'd put it more eloquently but I'm 3 seconds away from chucking my computer out a window. This site's taken away too much of my free time today. I'll see you next week.

Quick Links for Jan 16th

At last, Sexy Friday is here. This Sexy Friday is extra sexy because of the 3-day weekend and the last weekend of good football before the sports media crushes our will to live with soft news stories about shit various NFL players have had to overcome to get to the Superbowl. Pretty much this Friday is super sexy because with Super Bowl media week coming up and the nation is preparing to collectively blow Barack Obama on Tuesday and this it's the last time we'll wake up and not briefly consider throwing our TVs out the window until sometime after Valentine's Day. In short, fuck the media for the next couple weeks (us included. No really, I could use the slump buster). On to the Quick Links.

Note to self: Never get drunk and pass out around Susan Eggman

Out of all the blogs Recordnet has, we probably visit David Siders' with the most frequency (outside of feverishly reloading Joe Goldeen's gas blog every 5 mins to see if Costco still has the cheapest gas). Sure, Fitzy posts more, but his shit is usually self-serving and boring as fuck. Plus it's where he stashes all those updates on the Delta Queen that only he cares about. Siders on the other hand gives us hilarious window into the "exciting" world of city government. What can we see through that window? That the city council is apparently run with the organizational skills of a summer camp.

Yes, they actually went around the room and had everyone introduce themselves and tell the room something nobody in the room knows about you. Susan Eggman was a self-described pecker-checker in the military, known for her vasectomies and circumcisions. Which explains, well, a lot. The most shocking revelation was that somebody there admitted to being a Cardinal fan (a season ticket holder at that!). And of course, it wouldn't be the city if somebody didn't take what's supposed to be something silly and fun and bring the room down. Enter HR Director and lover of dark chocolate Dianna Garcia! She acknowledged that she's somewhat unpopular amongst certain labor circles (specifically with the ex-mayor's wife. But who gives a shit what she thinks? She's gone).

Ann Johnston also returned to form. After spending the better part of 2008 slinging as much mud as she could get her hooves on, she started off (well, you know, after the whole introduction thing) the goal-setting meeting with "There will be no finger pointing or blame or looking back." She also may or may not have noted that Clem Lee was going to start that negative campaign any day now.

Really? No really, Really!?

We're going to preface this by saying we understand the Cleveland school shootings affected Stockton more than we could comprehend at the time. We were all just starting school around then (not Cleveland though) so I can only guess what my parents thought sending their first born off to school only to have another elementary school get shot up 6 months later. But, and I'm trying to be as measured and tactful as possible, that was 20 fucking years ago.

If you've lived in Stockton for the better part of 2 decades, there's a good chance someone's pulled a gun on you. Ignoring that, in 20 years there's a good chance you've experienced something mentally scarring like a near-death experience, the untimely death of a loved one, or catching your roommate masturbating in the living room after you took an impromptu sick day (we've since burned that couch cushion). Shit just happens, then you deal with it.

Which is why the story of Sarah Garcia perplexes us. She wasn't even actually shot at. She wasn't even on the fucking playground. She was safe, under her desk, in a classroom. Yet, just the thought of being present at a place where a shooting occurred apparently caused 20 years worth of mental damage. Get the fuck over it.

Now, I know people are going to think we're being callous, but hear me out. This lady's problem isn't some shooting that she happened to be present for but didn't witness. If it's taken her 20 years to muster up the courage to just drive by her old school, she's not exactly the strongest-minded person in the world. She thinks nobody will be at the school on the anniversary of the biggest thing that happened to it. She claims she didn't care that the kids laughed at her for jumping under her desk at the first sign of a loud noise, but then decided on home schooling for the rest of her academic career.
Let's face it, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Chances are, if that shooting doesn't happen, something else would have happened later on in her life and taken the same effect. Like the Baskin Robbins robbery. Or the death threat phoned in to the medical facility. Or someone telling her that those jeans make her ass look fat (which isn't a good idea regardless of the woman's mental strength).

And to think, we still have a whole weekend of this shit. Including a 12-page special about it on Sunday. 12-pages!? That's just 2 less than the A-section had today.

Maybe we're just dicks, but then again, we're not the one's still hung up on shit that happened during the first Bush administration.

So how was that for measured and tactful?

El Guapo brings you great deals on mp3 players!

After procrastinating until the last possible second to check out what kind of sales they had at Mervyns, you can bet I'll be one of the first people in line when Circuit City starts liquidating it's inventory. Hopefully the nerds coming to get a discount on computer software and video games will be more civil than the last day at Mervyns. 90% off everything plus women plus the economy equaled martial law. I'm surprised I got out of there with the clothes I was wearing. Luckily, when you dress like a borderline homeless man like I do, nobody mistakes you for a mannequin.

Next up, local boy goes to state finals of POG tournament

We hate to make fun of myRecord because it's just wayyyy too easy. It'd be like making fun of the kids on the short bus. But today's was particularly funny if for no other reason than we didn't know they still had Pokemon turnaments. Hell, we didn't even know they still made Pokemon cards. This makes El Duke happy because it keeps his hopes of entering an NES-tournament and school kids with his Power Glove Wizard-style alive. And he's always really wanted to take a cross country trip with Jenny Lewis.

Also, that cat photo was adorable.

Actual good ideas on recordnet? Excuse me while I got salt down the icy spots from where Hell just froze over

We'e had our fair share of fun at the expense of over the past 6 months. Hell, we'll be having some more next week when we post a revised top 5 things needed to improve But there are rare times when they have a good idea without our help.

One of the issues we had in the original Recordnet Top 5 was the fact that some stories that appear in the Record don't appear on the website. Unfortunately we used like the worst example possible. Plus we've pretty much grown used to the whole "stay tuned tomorrow" thing. We get it, peeps is busy and they need time to do actual research. Being the stoned test monkeys that we are, we neglected to think about the opposite. Web exclusive articles that don't appear in the Record.

Now, we'll touch on this a little bit later when we talk about the Record's redesign, but judging by the subjects of the web exclusive content (from here on out referred to as "websclusive". We're not totally sure how that s snuck in their either) it appears that the Record's slowly gearing it's website towards the local young people. You know, building a web readership for when the Record print edition downgrades itself to a pamphlet. Which is kind of a smart idea. Which scares me. All smart ideas at the Record are supposed to be swatted down by management because they would cost too much or they just don't like change (or don't know how to enact it).

We're also pretty sure Record management treats the internet like my grandma did after I set up her computer for it. Can't you just imagine The Coozer pointing the mouse at the computer and clicking it like a remote and asking the webmaster how to check "the MySpace"?

We'll be back a little later today to discuss the redesign. Duke should be by shortly to give us some Shit to do and then we'll all hunker down for a 3-day weekend of binge drinking and video games. I know, you're jealous of our glamorous lifestyles.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Quick Links for Jan. 15th

Oh hey look! Shit to write about! Let's dive right the fuck in.


The Record's been somewhat contest-happy lately. There was that Halloween story contest back in October, the cookie contest in December, the photo contest for that Kings preseason game, Fitzy's yearly 55-word contest, and of course; Fitzy's "Name the already named roof of the Hotel Stockton" contest. And those are just the ones I could remember off the top of my head. But this latest contest, via Recordnet's newish Online blog, might just be the best one.

That's right, a dolphin somehow made it 90 miles inland and is currently swimming around like a dumbass in the deep water channel.

The last time a wayward sea mammal made it's way through the Delta we were "blessed" with the ridiculous overcoverage of whales Delta and Dawn as they made their way up the Sacramento River. It was funny for maybe a day. Those whales would have had more staying power if they had better names then Delta and Dawn. Oh, and if they did more than just fucking swim.

Regardless, this thing needs to be named. And if there's one thing we can do it's give hilarious names to things. I mean come on, somebody had to think up "Bris Isaak". So we got the brain trust together and came up with a few suggestions. Considering the most imaginative name the Record's thought up has been Alex Breitler the Dolphin (which is a fine name, it just doesn't roll of the tongue too well), they could probably use the help. The potential names we came up with range from random Latin names, to the obligatory Flipper jokes, and local references. We'll try and link to the more obscure references.

Flipzy (A combo of Flipper and Fitzy)
Slicker (combo of Slick Diaz and Flipper)
Alex Spanos' Sanity
Dropout the Dolphin (SUSD will love this one)
Boom-Neezy (for BottleNose. We'd also accept Boom-Nizzle)
Perseverance (the insult comic dolphin)
and of course... Delicious

Ok, that's it for now. We'll post more as we think of them.

Ladies and Gentlemen Lodi, CA!

I actually don't have much to add to this one except that this would have been somehow even funnier if the guy had come down from the attic with an actual rope ladder as opposed to a rope and a step ladder. Rope ladders are just more comedic. Also, how do you react in that situation if you're the caught robber. You just got caught breaking in red handed by your mom's shrieking neighbor. Personally, I would have tried to seduce her. Of course, that's my solution for everything.

He was sick?

Controversial former Franklin football Head Coach John Verner (his extended name) died yesterday of a brain tumor. We'll try and keep the jokes tasteful, promise. But first, a quote from former city councilman and local philanthropist (you know, for that "great deal" he gave the city on his property) Ralph Lee White:

"He's the only coach that I know that would take kids back and forth to practice and go pick them up after school, after the buses would stop running at night," said former Councilman Ralph Lee White, a friend. "Coach Verner would always make two or three trips, eight or nine kids piled up in the back of that Cadillac of his."

All together now...
Wow, I didn't know you could drive a Cadillac to American Samoa.

Stephen Malkmus loves his Tuff Juice

Local product (and in our opinion, the most famous/talented local product) Stephen Malkmus took time out of his busy schedule to talk fantasy basketball with the other day. As usual with his interviews it's an interesting read. In it he reveals his list of players he tries to avoid when playing fantasy basketball (Brad Miller makes the list!) and laments drafting recent local punching bag Beno Udrih as his point guard. He also lists some words he tries to avoid, my favorite being "cuddle" for some reason. If you can't tell, yes it's a random news day.

Finally a definitive guide to baby-punching

This has absolutely no local angle, it's just fucking hilarious.

Tomorrow we'll be bringing you our full thoughts on the Record's redesign (you're glued to your seats in anticipation, I know.) and who knows what else. Planning is a big part of our lives as you can tell.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The day we stop asking for Fitzy to hang it up we should hang it up

Yeah, we're slacking today. I was just gonna take today off but what can I say, I got inspired. What inspired me to phone in this post? This sentence from Fitzy's blog about the justification for spending $7 million on jail redesigns:
"...the day I stop asking for the justification of $7 million expenditures I should hang it up."

Yes, just the thought of Fitzy finally hanging up his pen is enough to bring me out of my "Fuck, it's only Wednesday?" slump. Why he needed the justification is beyond me. Use the old blueprints? They're 30 fucking years old. Do you realize how much basic shit that we take for granted in our every day lives has come around in the past 30 years? They'd need new blueprints for building code changes alone! Of course, Fitzy can't be bothered to know that shit. He has people he pays to do that shit for him. And the great disconnect between a city and it's metro columnist continues.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Quick Links for Jan. 13th

It's day two of the new Record! Used to it yet? Yeah, me neither. We're also wondering how they justify raising the price of the paper by 50% and then promptly cut the amount of pages in the paper by about 50%. If we pay more we should get more. End of story.

Oh, so our title chances are really fucked

Oh hey, it's that story we tried to reference yesterday. So not only have criminal homicides dropped in the last 3 years, but they're also at the lowest levels since the 70s. Yeah, I'd say our title hopes are pretty much up in smoke. Although saying that the number of criminal homicides coincides with the number of police officers isn't a good thing to mention while in the midst of layoffs. I get that it's just politics, but good lord. These are people who are dead. Blair Ulring should be saying stuff like "While we're happy with the decline that's still 24 deaths too many", not "See! Homicides go down when there's more cops! We make you guys safer! Give raise now please!"

Sam Walton and the Lodi City Council just can't take a hint

This is still going on? Fuck, take a hint Wal-Mart. The only people who want the current Wal-Mart upgraded to Super is the city council who wants those sweet sweet property tax dollars. This fight has been going on forfuckingever. You're not wanted! I'd back off now because once Lodians run out of legal challenges, they'll resort to driving you out of town the only way they know how. And for a building the size you guys are proposing they'll need one huge burning cross. Luckily there's a Lowe's right across the street.

Those trees weren't old and dangerous! They were "experienced" and "eccentric"!

Note to all of Stockton. This is how you deal with trees. Just cut them the fuck down. I don't hear anybody in Tracy bitching about how ugly that park is because a tree they used to sit under as a kid got chopped down. They're just plants. They're not alive. They don't wistfully remember the summer of '85. They sit there, grow old, then die. When we have to bring up Tracy as an example of dealing with something the right way, you know something's wrong. So for the last time, fuck trees. We're still waiting for Fitzy to blog about this though. Perhaps he'll campaign for a memorial plaque. And yes, we realize we're reaching a bit.

Rickey would like to thank Rickey's legs for being so fast and getting Rickey all those stolen bases...

And finally, let's check in with ol' bulletpoint. Yup, big pile of bulletpointed shit. He only mentions one of the bigger pieces of sports news in passing (Baseball Hall inductees announcement) and totally ignores Rickey Henderson (who, you know, actually played on a local team) in favor of talking about Jim Rice (and Jason Giambi's love of In-and-Out Burger). Come on Bobby, the best news of the week is the possibilities surrounding Rickey's Hall of Fame speech. How many times can someone thank themselves in the third person? Will he ask us to thank Rickey for gracing us with Rickey's presence? These questions need to be answered!

That should probably do it for us for today. If shit goes down we might pop in, but it's an admittedly slow news day and we'd like to take another day or so before we totally bash the Record's new format. Let it be known, we gave them like 3 days to be good and didn't ask for anything in return. I know, we're saints.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Quick Links for Jan. 12th

Fuck, Monday already? Let's power through these Quick Links and see what happened this weekend (you know, besides the massive redesign).

Prepare for overkill!

Generally I just skim through Mike Klocke's Sunday columns. They never really have a set theme. One week he'll announce a major website change like myRecord (which we hear officially launched today), and then the next he's doing a bulletpointed week in review. This week he brings us a warning from the future! That's right, Mike Klocke decided he needed some preemptive damage control because the Record's going all out next week (well, as all out as a 3-section paper can) to celebrate commemorate the 20th anniversary of the Cleveland Elementary School shooting.

Now, don't get us wrong, the shooting deserves to be commemorated. But when you're defending the coverage before it even starts, that's usually not a good sign. And look, one of the stories is going to be "We'll let readers inside Cleveland School for a 'day in the life' look at how the school is prospering." Oh wow! The inner workings of an elementary school 20 years after a shooting that barely half the town remembers? How do they go on? Every day there must be some grizzly reminder about past events!

Luckily for you, the Reclaiming the Title reader, we have an exclusive fake preview of that article. Here's day 1:
"8 am: Class starts
8:15: Pledge of Allegiance
8:30: Silent Sustained Reading! Shit!
9:30: Arts and crafts, eat paste
0:00: Recess
0:05: Throw up paste after taking a gut shot (bad wording choice?) during dodgeball, go see nurse
10:15: Stare at nurse's cleavage while she leans over to take your temperature, get first boner
10:17: Get called a gay by classmates for having boner
10:20: Recess over
10:30: Math
Noon: Lunch, Salisbury steak again? Fuck!"

Exciting ain't it? Of course that was a (partial) day in the life of a student. The Record's going so in depth that we're getting a day in the life of the actual school! Which we also have a preview of:

"Midnight-11:59: Exist
11:59: Softly cry self to sleep."

Needless to say we're looking forward to Sunday.

Maybe we can at least take Oakland the distance

According to that half an article (since, you know, doesn't have this article on it's website. Even when you Google search for the lede you get this. We would have done a broader search but you try typing "criminal homicides Stockton" into google and see what you get), homicides in Stockton dropped for the 3rd straight year. So shit, looks like our violent crime rate title hopes are further away than we thought. Granted, all of this really depends on how Oakland's doing. Wait, what? They're rioting? Well fuck me. There's always next year I guess.

Ann Johnston and the City Council are for smart spending downtown...right after Kathy Miller gets rid of this Paragary's stock

Remember that whole election thing? Ann Johnston and a few other candidates made Paragary's a lightening rod of sorts. It was a symbol of the city council's monetary mismanagement in regards to downtown. Remember those $10 burger ads? Those were Ann Johnston's. Fitzy even lamented the fact that people, in his opinion, were essentially campaigning against downtown (We predictably disagreed). So it makes total sense that she appointed the wife of a part-owner of Paragary's Vice Mayor. Who knows, maybe she was just going by the Record's graphic and thought she was appointing Leslie Martin.

Well, that's a bit disconcerting

As former high school journalists ourselves, we have to express surprise that this wasn't already law. But we have to express even more surprise that Lodi High's advisor Jerry Pike didn't know it wasn't already a law considering it's his job to teach journalism, which includes journalism law. And he's been there for NINE years. Oh, and the side story of Tokay High not owning the image it uses for it's mascot is fucking hilarious. Leave it to Lodi.

That should be it from us for today. Yes, we saw this. Give us a day or two and we'll get back to it. Feel free to send us your thoughts about what comes to mind when you think Stockton. I guarandamntee it isn't theater, symphony, or opera. We're not entirely sure which Stockton Don Blount is living in, but it apparently isn't this one.