Friday, October 31, 2008

Week in Review for Oct. 27th-Oct. 31st


We revealed that we have no lives.

We stumped for the Plea for Peace Center.

But we were unsuccessful.

And Duké unleashed some of that pent up rage. Someone give him a pity motorboat.

Kind of a weird week on our end. Sorry if it showed. We'll get that next BWDW out eventually, something tells us we're going to be drinking a lot more in the future (yes, that's possible). Happy Halloween Suckas. And Happy Birthday to Zo.

Shit to do for the Halloween weekend

Scary Sexy Friday (semi-NSFW) 10/31

So like Slick said last night, 209Vibe kind of stole our thunder. Granted, they do a weekly post of local concerts too, just not with the pizazz that I do. Plus he doesn't include links to a semi-nude Marissa Miller. I think we win. Regardless, here's a list of all those parties going on tonight.

There's 209Vibe's party at the Empire featuring Watchout! There's Ghosts at 6pm. $15

The Blackwater's got their All Gallows Eve thing going on with The Outlaw Dance Society and The Vulgar Morons at8pm. $10

Nino's in Modesto's got a party going on featuring Tequila Mockingbird at 9pm. Plus it's FREE.

Crowd favorite The Boiler Room has the second part of their party going on tonight at 9pm. They always got good this going on. $10

And at a place we'll probably end up, the Elbow Room, offers up the double whammy of no cover and drink specials. Like they say, simple and to the point. FREE!!

There's other shit going on. Maxim's over in the old Mallards has a DJ tonight. Fat's is probably doing something too. And we can't forget Stooges of Lodi. But let's be honest, you'll be at a house party getting stoned in someone's living room while telling the squares that smoke is just dry ice.

Hangover Saturday 11/1

For those of you able to walk before noon this day, you didn't do it right you fucking pussy. Go back and drink more. Or head on over to Banner Island Ballpark to go see Minor Dischord, Funky Tim, and allegedly a bunch of other bands at...10 at night? Yikes, downtown at night. Good luck. $10

Or if you really feel like doing some traveling, at 10pm our friends over at Oh Dang! are putting on a quality birthday party for their EIC and Stockton native Zosquatch at the Poleng Lounge in SF featuring members of Jimi Handtrix, plus Sherlock Tones featuring Will Woodley on drums. We'd be going if we had transportation that we'd trust to get us past the Altamont. $10

Sunday 11/2

Niners have a bye week, Raiders take on the Falcons. Oakland's D vs. a rookie QB that's probably going to tear up their secondary? Fuck, is it Groundhog's Day? And somebody turn off the damn Sonny and Cher!

It's time for some good ol' fashioned hate

It being Halloween and all, I figured it might be a good idea to throw a Halloween post up here. Plus if I've found I do anything good it's conveying my complete and utter contempt for something. Which reminds me, I fucking hate Halloween.

Halloween didn't do anything to me personally, it's just a matter of circumstance. Over the years the bane of my existance, Christmas season, seems to arrive earlier and earlier each year. It used to start the day after Thanksgiving, and I had grown to accept that. Within the past couple years though, stores seem to have decided to say "fuck it" and skip Thanksgiving all together and extend the Christmas season to begin on November 1st.

You may write me off as some sort of Scrooge, and you'd probably be correct, but please hear me out. I've worked various retail jobs and if there's anything that makes a guy want to set their eardrums on fire it's 2 straight months of Christmas music. Do you have any idea how many different versions of "Jingle Bell Rock" their are? I'm almost positive it's in the thousands. And stores are determined to play every last God damn one. Oh hey, listen! It's a lounge singer version of "White Christmas"! It hasn't snowed in Stockton in almost 20 fucking years, and even that only barely counted. Plus the only funny lounge covers are of rap songs.

But don't think that my hatred for Halloween is exclusive to the fact that I wish I could just hibernate from Nov. 1st until December 31st. It's also because I've only had a few opportunities to properly celebrate it. When most people get too old to trick or treat, they start the drinking portion of Halloween celebrating. Not me. I had to grow up in a Mormon household. You ever been to a Mormon Halloween? You can't even watch the good fucking horror movies because R rated movies are off limits. Ever spent a Halloween watching Domestic Disturbance? Talk about fucking scary. I still haven't forgiven them for what they tried to do to Vince Vaughn.

Perhaps most egregious of all is the fact that if you go to a Mormon Halloween party, none of the girls let their inner slut out. (And trust me, it's in there) They keep those hushpuppies locked up tight. Halloween was made for women to parade their cans around like the whole world's a fucking renaissance fair. One of my friends posted pictures from a Halloween party she went to on her MySpace, and as far as I could tell she went as a walking tittyfuck waiting to happen. I'm sure there was an actual costume concept in their somewhere but I couldn't take my eyes off of her motorboat bait to be able to discern what it was.

That's what Halloween is all about. I'm not saying I'm going to hate Halloween forever. I'm just saying I have to make up for lost time. So ladies, if you see me and my halfro at the various parties I'll be hitting up tonight, feel free to offer up those mammaries and let a brother play catch up.

Top 5 comics that should replace those other 5

Before we get on with the top 5, we should probably clarify something. If a comic wasn't in the last top 5, that's not an endorsement of that comic. The 5 we listed were just the cream of the suck crop. We actually only read about 4 comics that the Record prints: Get Fuzzy, Zits, Dilbert, and Pearls Before Swine. So as you can see, we didn't want to post a negative, completely juvenile list of shitty comics. We just couldn't come up with a top 5 list of comics they print that we like. It's really their fault. So in the interest of shedding that negativity, we're providing you with this helpful list of comics to replace the last 5. That's right, we're solution oriented. Just wait until we write the top 5 things needed to improve Stockton's music scene (spoiler alert! #1 is the ritual execution of all screamo bands). But until then...

Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5

1. Rubes

It may surprise you to know that we're aware of 5 comics that the Record doesn't print. It surprised us too until we realized that we read a combined minimum of 3 papers a day. We're admitted journonerds. Rubes isn't in any paper we read. We stumbled upon it getting links for this and the last top 5. It's a shame it's not printed because it brings back fond memories of perrenial favorite The Far Side. Note to F-Minus, this is how you do offbeat humor. Plus we're suckers for the name. Especially after we started our rube of the month club. Speaking of offbeat humor...

2. Garfield Minus Garfield

Ok, so this is a net comic. That doesn't make it any less fucking hilarious. We'll let Garfield Minus Garfield's creator explain the concept (that's right, we learned how to block quote kinda):
"Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb."
Kinda makes actual Garfield make a whole lot more sense doesn't it? I always wondered why he let his fat ass cat boss him around. Even Garfield creator Jim Davis thinks it's cool to the point where they're releasing one of those Garfield books fat lonely people always buy, but without Garfield. If he can see the light, so can the Record.

3. Drabble

See, we're not just doing comics only people with our sense of humor would like. Although we kindof like Drabble, so maybe we are. Either way, this is a decent comic that's kind of a middle ground choice. It's not the best comic out their by our comedic standards, but then again not every comic can be Pearls Before Swine (our absolute favorite). Plus my dad always liked Drabble, so soft spot. (All together now, awwwwww.)

4. Brevity

Another classic example for F-Minus at offbeat humor done right. This one actually might have been in the Record for like half a second if our booze addled minds serve us correctly. Either that or we saw it in the Chronicle. Either way, quality comic.

5. Marmaduke

Because let's face it, Marmaduke is just fun to say. Plus we gotta throw the old people a bone. Yes, this is a blatant attempt to butter them up to let us have a Plea for Peace Center.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Quick Links for Oct. 30th

So who's ready for rain? It got kind of gnarly there for a second didn't it? Ok, gnarly for Central California. Can't wait until tomorrow so it can rain all over those candy begging brats while we're all out getting shitfaced. I understand that sounds callous, but those little fuckers at my apartment complex always use my front door as home base while playing a 3-year long game of tag for some God forsaken reason. You know how annoying it is to have 80 pounds of giggling humanity slamming into your door every 10 minutes? The lesson I've learned? Never have kids, like ever. On with the Quick Links.

When the Delta gets so polluted that it's killing off fish, the best solution would probably be to clean up the Delta. Or create a race of genetically altered super smelt. We're really going to need Robocop if these suckers make it into the wild. Although it's somewhat puzzling that this smelt thing is ok but we're still denied the legal ability to own glo-fish.

We'd link to the 3MR but we can't, so we'll just use this space to voice our displeasure with them giving John Daly the blue arrow of shame for getting falling down drunk at a North Carolina Hooters. If J.D. deserved the loser arrow for anything, it's for only passing out at Hooters. When we saw the news that he had been arrested we thought it could be for anything from getting in a fight with a lacrosse team to trying to squeeze into a pair of those trademark orange daisy dukes (Hellllo nightmare fuel). That's the kind of leeway he gets. Obviously the 3MR doesn't know J.D. like we know J.D.

White Nelly finally has an alleged name. Police are looking for a guy named Andrew Gonzalez. They of course thought it'd be as easy as just knocking on his door. You don't get a fancy name like the Band-Aid Bandit (it says band twice!) by passing out on the couch playing Madden after taking a monster bong rip. You presumably get that name by robbing places while sporting the latest Spongebob band-aid ("See! This one is special. It's Spongebob, Patrick, and Gary!") So shouldn't they be staking out the adhesive bandage aisle at local pharmacies?

Uh oh, our bias senses are tingling! Apparently this guy went to the Larry Craig school of pleading out. If it was truly self defense, then you probably should have gone with that in the actual trial that you passed up. But hey, playing the race card works too. Although we've always been partial to the Chewbacca defense.

Next time we see an Exxon (what is this, the 80s?) we're totally giving them the vaunted triple moon, while egging them. It takes practice. We also might try and stick theit bosses dick in a pussyclamp (we've already given you the nightmare fuel that is John Daly in hot pants, you don't want to know what a pussyclamp is).

And finally, Ian Hill and Aaron Davis kind of took some of the steam out of tomorrow's Shit to do post with their complete list of quality Halloween parties. Somehow our's will be completer and qualityer. Swear. Or we'll just put up a pic of a sexy lady. Same difference.

Stockton YouTube time!

We don't post nearly enough videos on here, which is really a shame since Stockton is well represented on the YouTubes. So let's remedy that and start things off with video of one of my favorite local artists. He's the recipient an Australian Gold Record, and one of the best freestyle battlers around. Stockton's own Okwerdz.

It's footage from the Fresh Coast Documentary. First up is the intro to Okweezy's segment in the documentary.

And up next is a 2 part cypher in which Ok participates in about a minute into both videos. Also included is Nocando, The Saurus (coincidently also one of Tony Sauro's nicknames), Lush One, D Lor, Tantrum, and Franco.

Part 1:

And Part 2:

More of Okwerdz' videos can be found here. And of course here.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Update on Plea for Peace Center

So it's past 5pm, anybody wondering what's happening with Middagh's campaign to get the proper permits for the Plea for Peace Center? Two... individuals (restraintrestraintrestraint) wrote letters requesting arbitration or something.

The update from Middagh via PfP's MySpace:

"I will have a petit​ion at all shows​ to encou​rage the Commu​nity Devel​opmen​t to issue​ the permits neede​d to open the Plea for Peace​ Cente​r.​ Two lette​rs were writt​en reque​sting​ a heari​ng set for Thurs​day Decem​ber 11th at 6pm. I have until​ Novem​ber 15th to get both parti​es to write​ new lette​rs recal​ling their​ origi​nal lette​r.​ If that happe​ns permi​ts will be issue​d and we can move forwa​rd.​ If not the heari​ng will be held and a decis​ion to give us (​or not) the permi​ts will be made.​ I hope that we can resol​ve this matte​r witho​ut it going​ to a heari​ng,​ just in case I am going​ to do every​thing​ I can to sway the commi​ttee in our favor​.​ Timmo​ and Liz from Caffi​en Den both have copie​s of the petit​ion.​ If you would​ like to help get signi​tures​ let me know.​ 


Why do we need a hearing? And most importantly, who the fuck wrote those letters? Now I feel bad for not writing a letter in support of the center. Middagh, consider this place a forum to stump for signatures.

No news may be good news, but it's still fucking boring

We have to give it to the Record. When jack shit went on the previous day, it's fairly easy to tell. Whether it's the 7 full page ads in a 16-page section (and a mind boggling 4 straight pages of full pagers from A6-A10, and that's before we consider the half page ads. Is this a newspaper or a fucking catalog?), or Fitzy's column which breaks the hard hitting news that old people are stubborn (have a dispute that isn't inherently humorous and is extremely petty? Shoot a phone call over to Fitzy. Duke's e-mailing him about his ongoing saga with Wells Fargo as I type this), or something as simple as a fat kid running (putting the word "streaker" in the headline may have been a bad idea by the way), the message is clear. Nothing good happened yesterday.

Not to mention that fat kid who can run story made the front page of the Sports section while a preview of the Kings and their first game of the season doesn't make the paper at all. And we know they know the season is starting because they included a Warriors preview. Which (bold prediction alert!) is going to be hilarious because the Warriors are going to be worse than the Kings this year (you can't replace Boom Dizzle with Corey Maggette and Ronny "Zoneil" Turiaf and think everything's going to be ok).

Although we have to say, this slow news day is a lot easier to stomach due to the inclusion of not one, but two pictures of the beautiful Jenny Lewis. God, we would do dirty things to that woman. Even if she is technically a midget. (No really, we've met her a couple of times. She came up to our nipples while wearing platform boots. She's 5'0" tops. YouTube one of Rilo Kiley's appearances on Conan. She comes up to his kneecaps.)

And while were here we might as well dump some things we've been meaning to get to. Yes, we realize we still have a promised BWDW to do. We blame car troubles. Hopefully we'll be able to knock that one out by the end of the week. And if you know of a Halloween party that's not listed on 209Vibe's Events page, let us know so we can include it in the Friday "Shit to do" post. Oh, and we missed Saturday's Record so we're not entirely sure if Dolemitewatch should continue or not because the Record doesn't include the 3MR online (eRecord doesn't count). So Dolemitewatch continues until further notice.

Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch

When we heard the news that cartoonist Berkeley Breathed was retiring (again), and ending his comic Opus, we were kind of sad. Sad because Opus was one of the few actually funny comics out there, and kind of because the Record stopped printing it a while ago. Too political apparently. Pussies. Also kind of because we don't really read comics that much anymore. The Record's comics page has always sucked. Which is surprising considering they do surveys periodically and actually seem to make changes based on our input. They must have lost our survey card. They also ignore common sense. Like the last survey they did resulting in, if memory serves correct (have to go by memory, there's no link to those stats. Or at least I pray to God there isn't), "Zits" being one of the higher rated comics. Yet they neglect to include it in the Sunday comics. "Get Fuzzy" is also one of the better comics that's featured in the Mon-Sat editions, but omitted from Sunday. Yet, for some unknown reason, they continue to print "Cathy" every Sunday. And "Classic Peanuts". That shit wasn't funny the first time around. If that's a classic then where the hell is the classic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Prince fucking Valiant? What the fuck is that shit?

So without further blabbering, here's the...

Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch

1. "Watch Your Head"

We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?

2." F-Minus"

Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?

3. "Family Circus"

Where's the fucking joke?

I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.

4. "Mutts"

Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).

5. "Dennis the Menace"

A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.

Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Breaking! Crime rate goes up another small notch

Just drove by the corner of Rosemarie and Pershing. There were 2 cop cars (they have enough of them to spare 2?), 2 ambulances, and a fire truck (ditto with the enough to spare thingy) at the 7-11 over there. Saw someone covered in a white sheet get loaded up into the back of the amublance while another paramedic poured some of that white abosorbant powder ont he ground. What does it all add up to? A(nother) probable senseless shooting in Stockton. Gotta love this town.

I'll see if I can get the dirt on what went down when I go get my post-work Slurpee. My guess? Someone robbed the 7-11 then shot someone for their car to make the getaway. That or meth deal gone bad.

Disappointing update:

According to the two people who usually beg for change out in front of the 7-11, it was actually a fairly vicious beating as a result of a case of mistaken identity. Apparently it involved one of the guys who usually asks people to buy beer for him even though he looks like he's 45 at the youngest. Regardless, no shooting, no meth (at least it wasn't mentioned), but booze did play a factor. But aggrevated assault is still a violent crime, so the violent crime rate still goes up a tiny notch.

Quick Links for Oct. 28th

Ok, we're back today. Sorry for the impromptu 3-day weekend. Let's bang out some quick links.

Stockton Police were involved in a gnarly looking intersection crash, that sounds familiar. Stockton PD hits an expensive SUV? There's some sort of budget cuts/falling gas prices angle in there somewhere. Quick! Someone call Joe Goldeen! Police Chief Robocop never would have let this happen.

OMG gas prices dropped 15 whole cents over the weekend! That's enough to buy a comic book in the 60s! We've said somewhere before that this isn't actual news until we get sub-$2 gas. Which means it's a story in Ohio, but not here. While we're here, does anybody know the statistics on the number of crashes everybody's favorite publicity stunt over at March and I-5 has caused? We ask because we were drivng by there around 5 or so and had someone shoot out in front of us to get out from behind the line that 76 had caused to spill out into the street with it's low low gas prices. Anybody who's driven near March and I-5 after 5pm knows it takes roughly 35 years to get to the other side of the freeway, so thanks 76 for somehow making that area even more annoying to drive in. Fucking cocktacos.

If you plan to vote (and statistics say you probably are) and you're not reading David Siders' blog, you're doing yourself and your city a great disservice. On the flip side, if you're not reading Mike Fitzgerald's blog, we don't blame you. We don't really like reading about tree groups and old boats that were built here 80 years ago either.

Speaking of things we don't really like to read, the opening paragraph of Bob Highfill's column this week says it all. "When will the horror end? Not soon enough for these random thoughts on a Tuesday..." Couldn't have said it better myself Bobby. Those random thoughts were horrific. And for the love of God, the NBA regular season starts tomorrow and you're waxing poetic about Michigan's bowl chances? We saw the overall NBA preview phone in job that was in the Sports section over the weekend, but what about one dedicated to the Kings? Does anybody know about basketball over there? Where's Jagdip Dhillon when you need him?

The city of Stockton should be begging for someone to build a decent downtown music venue, which is why we find it absolutly mind boggling that Middagh is the one doing the begging. Someone with a knowledge of Stockton and a history of putting on good, safe shows wants to support downtown revitalization? Fuck! Quick, put up a road block! What the fuck City Council? What the fuck?

Crime reporter Christian Burkin has seen the light and recognized the change Robocop can bring to Stockton as Police Chief. And yes, we recognize that we're linking to him linking to us linking to him. That sentence made my head hurt, I might have to lie down.

And finally, we got send this link to a CareerBuilder/MSN article about the 25 Worst Markets to find a job. Stockton comes in at a disappointing 10th. It is encouraging to see other valley cities show up for support though. Merced, Modesto, Fresno, and Bakersfield all made the list. Just kind of makes you beam with California pride, doesn't it?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Plea for Permits

I'm supposed to be taking it easy today but Middagh had to go and throw out something important and newsworthy up on the Stockton Rocks MySpace so I'm passing it along. Anybody who's ever attempted to get a permit from the city knows how difficult it can be, especially even if it's for something sorely needed like a decent downtown music venue. Here's Mr. Goodwin's plea for help copied and pasted from the MySpace bulletin.

Do you live in Stockton and think there is a need for medium size all ages venue? The Plea for Peace Center is in the process of getting its live music permits. A postcard has been sent out requesting feedback. They will accept letters recieved up until 5pm on the 29th. Yeah I know that is only 2 days. If you are able to write a concise letter spelling out the need for a venue like this, that would be great. Reference number UP62-08 in the letter. The venue will be located at 630 E Weber St Stockton CA 95202.
Send letters to
Community Development Director
Permits Center (UP62-08)
345 North El Dorado Street
Stockton, CA. 95202
Send a legible signed letter(including your printed name address and phone number to the address above.)
Middagh Goodwin

No posts today, sorry

Due to various ailments and actual job workloads, we won't be posting today.

Sorry, that's just how it is sometimes. We'll be back tomorrow if we feel better/aren't swamped at work.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Week in Review


We found the ideal Police Chief.

A legend left us.

Stockton has the best rubes.

"Best" of San Joaquin came out. We disagreed.

We're pushing the new Bar We're Down With until Monday because we felt bad inducting a bar we haven't been able to visit lately. That's being rectified this weekend. So yeah, Monday.

Shit to do for this pre-Halloween weekend

With Halloween just a week away, one would think that this would be a relativly quiet weekend. And it is...except for all the "pre"-Halloween parties going on this weekend. I'm not exactly a big Halloween guy but hey, it's an excuse to drink heavily. Not that I require an excuse to drink heavily, but it's nice to have an excuse. Let's see what shit there is to do.

Sexy Friday Oct. 24th

Before we get to the pre-parties, let's get the requisite Blackwater show out of the way. Alabaster, Self Destroyer, and Switchblade 327 are all playing at the aforementioned Blackwater at 8pm. I haven't heard of any of these bands, but I've always been partial to the name Alabaster after that King of the Hill episode where Hank inadvertantly becomes a pimp and has to put a white pimp named Alabaster (voice by Snoop Dogg) in his place. $6

The Boiler Room kicks off the Halloween festivities with their Halloween Pre-Costume Party at 9. Apparently they're expecting so many people they're spreading their costume contest over multiple days. If you want to advance to the next round of competition, you gotta show up tonight. Which is kind of weaksauce, but hey, drinking. $10

Saturday Oct 25th

Saturday features two more pre-Halloween parties, which is a testament to our claim that there's absolutly nothing else to do in Stockton besides get completly shitfaced. Why else would we stretch out this drinking holiday over a week?

But for those of you who don't feel like drinking for some unfathomable reason, you should check out the Northeast Community Center for their "Holloween" Bash. Stories in Stone, One Shot Suicide, Dark Supremacy, the Ghost of Nightingale, and Accidentally Murdered are playing at 5. Judging by the band names, I think it's safe to say your studded bracelts/dog collars are going to be some of the more conservative fashion choices that night. $5

For those of us who prefer to drink instead of sitting around and listening to depressing music, the Matinee's Pre-Halloween Monster Rock & Blues Bash is at 9 (or 8 depending on which part of that link's contents you choose to believe). Willie Hines & The Face Cards will be there along with The Great Oglee Moglee Blues Band. $7

Ed and the Educators will be at BWDW Fat's Grill and Bar at 9. They put on a great show at the otherwise lackluster Lebowskifest that Pacific Bowl put on. Although anytime I can call a Lincoln High teacher a perderast and get the response "8 year olds Dude", you've got to consider the night a success. Remember, nobody fucks with the Jesus. $5

And while you're in the area you might as well head on over to UOP for their take on Rocky Horror Picture Show at 11:55pm. Having been to a few Bay Area productions of Rocky Horror ("Rocky" by itself is reserved for one movie, and one movie alone), I'm not expecting anything too crazy to go on at the show. Especially when you throw in UOP's recent campaign against anything resembling fun. But hey, I could be (and usually am) wrong. $5

Sunday Oct. 26th

Sunday should probably be spent nursing that hangover away while watching football as usual. Unfortunatly the Niner and the Raiders are participating in the two most boring games of the week. The Niners "battle" the Seahawks in which the winner will probably be decided by who fumbles the ball last. And the Raiders take on the Ravens. Flacco! Russell! It's the NFL on...oh wait, no Sunday night game because of baseball for some weakass reason. (Not that that game would have been the night game anyways, unless NBC had decided to just throw in the towel ratingswise while still putting a game there)

When I die, "An American Carol" will be playing on a loop for me in Hell

The Record finally took a break from printing exclusivly political letters to the editor so I figured I'd see what was going on over on B8 today.

First, it shouldn't be too surprising that I tend to lean towards the liberal side of issues. But, putting partisanship aside, I would have to wholeheartedly disagree with Walter Freeman's letter. Why not cast a vote of a more unconventional nature and support "An American Carol"? Because the best way to support your party probably isn't going and seeing a movie made by the guy responsible for the "Naked Gun" series and "Baseketball". Don't get me wrong, I love "Baseketball" and use the Steve Perry psyche out pretty much every time I play beer pong, and the Naked Gun movies were fucking classics. It's just that the reason nobody went to see that movie wasn't because republicans hate supporting Hollywood, it's because that movie sucked 45 bags of dicks. Conservative messages probably aren't best delivered in something that resembles a somehow even shittier version of "Epic Movie".

For the love of God I hope that letter was intended to be sarcastic. And it probably was, I just have leftover bile to spit out after yesterdays "Best of San Joaquin" awards.

Oh, and thanks for your letter about your pet project Julie Hisaka. I was having a tough time falling asleep for my lunchtime na....
Oops, sorry. I fell asleep again just thinking about that boring ass letter.

Quick Links for Oct. 24th

So it turns out the answer to our pop quiz was Z. somebody left the stove on. still start that way? What were they baking? A stack of newspapers? I know of a rube who may have a spare stack.

Your winner, and still the undisputed Foreclosure Champion, Stockton "of fun" California! Wooo! Another successful title defense is in the books. Although to be fair, nobody really stood a chance at taking our foreclosure title as we were a tenth of a percentage point ahead of 2nd place Las Vegas.

Fitzy joins us and the Record's editorial staff in opposing Prop. 8. I still can't believe this is going to a vote. I hate throwing out extreme terms but this issue warrants it. A "yes" vote on Prop. 8 is a vote to reinstitute segregation in California. Separate but equal practices didn't work when they were applied to African Americans and they won't work if applied to homosexuals. For the love of God, this is the 2000s right?

Looks like Stockton's gunning for a run onFlip This House. Hey, there's an idea to help Stockton's budget. Let's start a reality tv show about flipping foreclosed homes called "Flip This Shit". Because Lord knows we need more fucking reality shows.

Highlight of this article? Police believe the victim was shot, but are awaiting autopsy results. If he was shot, shouldn't it be fairly obvious? Judging by the mugshots, we seriously doubt they used a blow dart gun.

Dolemitewatch enters day 3 (or is it 4? We can't remember). Getting this late in the game the only people who will probably be able to give that mothafucka his due is the 3-Minute Record. Hecteman, Giblin, it's on you two. You gave some stupid fashion guy his due, but not a cultural icon like Dolemite? For shame.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Preliminary breakdown of the Record's ad space awards

The Record decided to blitzkreig us with an assload of importanish news today. But all of that stuff we'll have to break down later. Why? Because the Record's end of the year push to increase ad sales Best of San Joaquin 2008 came out today, and as usual it was a complete and utter farce. We'll throw out the highlights/lowlights before we head off to roundly heckle Grant "Peaches" Napear at tonight's Kings/Rockets game.

Most useless category: (tie) Local Pro Sports Team and Cable/Internet/Satellite Provider

There are only 4 fucking local teams and the options are even more limited when it comes to Cable/Internet/Satellite Providers. You want cable? Congradufuckinglations you're getting Comcast. Want satellite? DirectTV or Dish Network? That's fucking it. They have these painfully limited categories but no "Best Local Website"? (An award we most assuredly would walk away with, if not for that whole criticizing everything they do like we're their Bubbe thing. And the fact that they'd probably choose Google because they have more money to buy ad space with someone in the county visited that site.)

Most Random category: Fuel-Efficient Car

We were unaware hybrids were made in SJ County. What kind of random fucking category is this? They don't make Toyotas or Hondas in Stockton, it only seems like it because every other person here is driving one (coincidently they're also some of the more frequently stolen cars, gotta keep those title hopes alive). Which still shouldn't be enough to warrant this category. If a Prius can win a category for being a car people use in SJ County then the Kings should have won best local sports team. Hey, they came through Stockton once. Which apparently is enough to be eligible for a category.

Section that made our heads explode with confusion: Spirits

If our Bars We're Down With series (returning tomorrow, honest injun) wasn't enough to clue you in, we know a thing or two about area drinking establishments. Which is why this entire section is so mind boggling. And by "mind boggling" we mean "so skewed towards the Lincoln Village area that it makes us want to puke." 856 has the best cocktails? Are you fucking kidding me? Chili's getting the third place nod for best margaritas!? BJ's(!?) gets 2nd best happy hour? My left nut has a better happy hour than BJ's. (We fully admit El Torito has a kick ass happy hour though) Fuck, this is getting too frustrating, let's move on to the last one for today. I'll let El Duke take this one.

Least deserving of their award: (tie) Mike Torres Band (2nd place Best Local Band), Best Buy (1st place Best Computer Store), Ehler's Health Supply (Only place Home Healthcare Supplies)

I used to work in medical supplies (like I said, I've worked everywhere in Stockton) and not a single day went by where some septuagenarian didn't walk in all flustered. Being the good salesman that I was I would ask how their day was and at least once a day the response would be "Mark Ehler is a money grubbing asshole". When I say every day, I'm not exaggerating. At least once a day I would either hear about how he didn't bill Medicare correctly, or how he bought the wrong part, or how our Rascals were hundreds of dollars less than his, or how he promised to hold something for a customer over the phone only to sell it to someone else 15 mins later. Ehler's Health Supply is by far not the best Healthcare Supply store. For fuck's sake it's not even an actual store anymore, it's a section off to the side in Arthur's Party World. Long story shot, Apria Healthcare is way better.

I also used to work next to a venue the Mike Torres Band played on what seemed to be an hourly basis. For about a year I would be "treated" to the entirety of the Mike Torres Band experience, from sounds check to accidently hitting the cymbal while dismantling the drum set. The Mike Torres Band isn't really bad, they're just not the second best band in the area. Not in any way, shape, or form. They are, at best, a generic bar band. Second String Quintet are fucking tits though.

And Best Buy, oh how I loathe Best Buy. I don't mind seeing them ranked so high in other categories, although being the third best music store on a list that doesn't even include Replay Records is a traveshamockery, but it's placement among best computer stores is the worst fucking decision possible. As with most chain stores their employees know jack shit (outside of the music and dvd section, but everybody knows about music and movies). While trying to set up a hardline network with my roommate I went to Best Buy to buy a router. I saw an actual router for about $50 and something that looked suspiciously like a router called a "hub switch" that was about $20. Now, I'm no computer expert, so as far as I was concerned the only difference between the two was $30. But being the thorough shopper that I am, I decided I should probably get confirmation from someone in the computer section. 20 minutes later I was finally "helped" and I held up the router in one hand and the box in the other and asked a super complicated question. "Does this do the same thing as this?" Sorry to confuse you with such technical jargon. The Best Buy employee assured me that the hub would be fine and I headed home. Well guess fucking what? They're not the same and I had to make another frustrating trip to Best Buy. I should have learned my lesson the first time when I took my computer in to the Geek Squad for reformatting and it took them a month and a half...and they never actually reformatted the computer. Fuck Best Buy.

See ya tomorrow guys.

Yeah, but Von Hayes never gave America free tacos

In Bob Highfill's latest ode to Jason Bartlett (by the way, thanks for the free taco, I totally take back that "expendable" line.), he threw out there that Bartlett was only the 3rd SJ County resident that played in the World Series. We let it slide because for one, we knew he meant "native" not "resident". Not that it matters because even with that clarification he was wrong.

I'm probably the last guy who should bitch about research, but then again, I'm not the editor of a newspaper section that prints 2 original articles once every 3 days.

And we'll get to the Best of SJ County insert eventually. We're currently trying to pick up after the mess caused by the mind blowing revelation that the Mike Torres Band is allegedly the second best band in the county.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Pop quiz!

Let's test your knowledge of Stockton with a simple multiple choice test. A vacant building downtown was severely damaged in a fire today. The cause has yet to be revealed but considering our intricate knowledge of SJ County happenings, we've narrowed it down to a few possible scenarios. So we ask: What caused to downtown fire?

A. Meth lab

B. Eletrical problems

C. Meth lab

D. Random act of arson

E. Meth lab

F. All of the above

Also, feel free to guess the resulting headline in tomorrow's Record. I'm personally going with a denial of any wrong doing from the building owner that results in a "We Didn't Start the Fire" reference. Fuck, I think I just dated myself.

Quick Links for Oct. 22nd: Blogs Edition!

We've been running kind of behind on the quick links so we're throwing out a doubleshot today. But to help distinguish this post from the one directly below it, we'll make it an all blog edition. Which, in hindsight, is probably where we should have stuck that Kristy Sayles link. But oh well.

David Siders gives us an election update with the latest from Ann Johnston who tries to pin Stockton's budget woes on opponent Clem Lee. Johnston then goes on to say Lee has "said he will run a negative campaign." Which is hilarious coming from a person who's campaign has been almost entirely negative. Those two crazy kids just need to get it over with and fuck like stoned test bunnies. The sexual tension is getting to be too much. Plus Clem Lee hasn't gotten laid since the 90s.

Ian Hill gives his thoughts on the Modesto Area Music Awards from last week. Included is a warranted conflict of interest accusation against the Modesto Bee's Marijke Rowland (a name I'm not even going to attempt to pronounce) for not disclosing that she helped organize the event that she reviewed. Also, bands won shit.

Look guys! The Record's just like the Chicago Tribune! Remember that Obama endorsement guys!? 72 years! And they're not going to let you forget it for another 72 years! Man, they're so different from other papers...oh.

And it wouldn't be a quick links if we didn't link to something that should be easily solvable but for some God forsaken reason isn't. God forbid people get the medical care they need.

Oh, and Dolemitewatch continues. Don't make us contact future Stockton police chief Robocop.
The Devil Rays and the Phillies go at it today in game 1 of the World Series. The Record's eerily fired up considering it's between two east coast teams with only one local connection. Oh, you didn't know there's a local connection to one of the World Series teams? You must not have read anything Bob Highfill's written in the past 2 months. Today's article talks about how quiet and down to earth Bartlett is. So quiet in fact that it extends to the phones at St. Mary's. Everybody wants to talk to Cole Hamels's old high school, but nobody wants to call St. Mary's for a quote. Why? Obviously it's because he's quiet, keeps to himself, and plays the game right. Or it could be because Cole Hamels is the game one starter and ace of the Phillies' rotation while Jason Bartlett is an expendable shortstop with average numbers at best.

Apparently it's Red Ribbon Week again. For those without kids, Red Ribbon Week is drug awareness week for elementary schools. Granted, in Stockton it's hard to go a week without being aware of drugs, but I guess it's good to have a designated week for it.

Speaking of drugs, SJ County has finally decided to begrudgingly give us our medical marijuana ID cards. But they really want you to know they'd prefer not to. They even spout off hilarious "facts" like the uncertainty regarding how much sticky icky one is allowed to posses with the card. Clearly the Board doesn't smoke, because if you ask any stoner about medicinal doja they'll spout off information like the fucking rain man. And then they'll promptly lose their keys...and car. Props to Zach Johnson for the quality lead though.

And finally, in our ongoing effort to find all local blogs, someone sent in a link to a site dedicated to bringing down Lathrop Mayor Kristy Sayles. We're not saying we agree with what's on the site, because frnakly we're still shocked that Lathrop gets it's own mayor. But hey, there it is. It is kind of adorable to watch somebody feud with the Manteca Bulletin though.

Oh, and Dolemitewatch continues. Give a great American hero his due Record!

Our first induction into Stockton's rube of the month club

Thanks to the wonderfulness of the internet, I've pretty much heard every scam attempt known to man. Some of the pitches are pretty good, but even with the best ones, you'd have to be a complete moron (or really really old) to buy into any of them. Fortunatly for con artists, Stockton's full of morons (and old people). Case in point, the story today that a man got duped out of $2,000 by a guy who approached him outside of a Home Depot.

After reading the article numerous times, I can only come to the conclusion that this guy is the biggest rube in all of Stockton...for this month. So please join me in welcoming our newest feature...

Stockton's Rube of the Month

Let's break down just how much of a rube he is, shall we?

So here's how the con goes. A 31-year old Stockton man, let's call him "Mark", is approached by a guy in his mid-20s who claims he's leaving for Africa and would like to leave bundles of cash at some church.

Let's break down just the setup first. For one, why was a guy leaving for Africa hanging out in a Home Depot parking lot? Is he leaving the country or looking for work? And Africa? Really? Was he some South African Prince who wanted to leave Mark money after he paid the requisite $2000 transfer fee? Second, and I haven't been to church in a while so I may not be up to speed on how they do things these days, but who donates money by leaving bundles of cash at the door? But let's move on.

During the conversation, another guy comes by to join the conversation. Now this is where it gets really good/confusing. The Africa guy then proceeds to tell the two men that if they can prove they have their own money, he would leave the bundles of "cash" with them.

Ummm, what? So he was going to ditch the church in exchange for giving the money to two dudes he met at a Home Depot? Did he somehow dupe Mark into thinking there was a $2000 transfer fee for leaving bundles of cash on a church doorstep? How the fuck does this part, the key part to the con, make any sort of fucking sense?

Apparently Mark couldn't be bothered with these basic questions involving common sense, he was off to the bank to take out the cash. Which is hilarious because the nearest bank to that Home Depot is either by the Raley's shopping center or the Union Safe/Starbucks over on Hammer and West. Man, for a guy who is in such a rush to get to Africa that he's leaving bundles of cash with strangers he met at a Home Depot, our con man sure is patient.

So patient in fact that when Mark returns with the cash, which was promptly "bundled up" and "handed back" to Mark, the con man decides he's going to go to lunch with the 3rd man who showed up. Which Mark has no problem with as he heads home with bundles that he eventually finds out are full of newspapers (The Coozer is already trying to find a way to add Mark to the Record's circulation numbers).

So let's recap, guy gives guy he met at Home Depot $2000 for alleged bundles of cash that he's being given for no discernable reason. This is pretty much the laziest con of all time. If some guy approached me in a Home Depot parking lot asking for $2000 my house (hypothetical house, I'm not retarded enough to buy property in this area and economic climate) better have a new roof, my parents' house better have a new roof, and his sister better have given me a blumpkin while their mother washed my balls with a towel moistened by Kim Kardashian's ass sweat before he gets any money. Trust me, I've worked at both of Stockton's Home Depots (I've worked everywhere in Stockton), and I wouldn't trust $2000 with the fucking manager (they'd lose the money while changing the schedule for roughly the 837th time that week).

In this economic climate these stories are going to become more and more common as people desperatly search for economic relief any way they can. But just because times are tough, it doesn't mean you shouldn't exercise common sense. If I've said it before, I've said it a thousand times, if it sounds too good to be true, guess what? It is.

By the way, congrats on winning the Mexican lottery. Didn't even know you entered you say? Well don't worry, we'll get you the 800 million pesos as soon as you pony up the $8000 wire transfer fee. Make the check out to "cash" please.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Quick Links for Oct. 21st

The Carl's Jr. on the corner of Hammer and West was robbed along with it's ATM machine. The robbers took off in the manager's car, which was found at the intersection of Cherbourg and Bernal. Which is like 6 feet from that Carl's Jr. Yet somehow they're still at large. Side note: What the fuck is a Mongolian haircut? Did he have a Ghangis Khan mustache or something?Either way Scot Pollard would like to trade hair care tips with him.

Sadly, Stockton's lost another title. We can no longer lay claim to having the worst parents in all of youth sports. For those too lazy to clickthrough, a Texas man pulled a gun on his kid's coach's husband. Why? Because he was over the line! (Mark it zero Smokey, or else you're going to be in a world of pain.) Ok, so it was over playing time. Stockton, the bar has been raised. We're fully expecting metal detectors at the next McNair football game. Although they probably could have used those anyways.

The city's moving at typical city speed getting these budget cuts fleshed out. The story's not particularly noteworthy, but we had to link to it if for no other reason than the headline, "Council's patience deficit runs high". In blogspeak I believe that's a +1.

Can we please give this guy a more imaginative name? Yes, we get it, it says "band" twice. It's still a lame name. May we suggest "White Nelly"?

So did you have EliteXC in your death pool? If so, congrats! While we saw the demise of ProElite (EliteXC's parent company) coming from a mile away, we expected it to happen after the (no longer) scheduled card in Reno on the 8th where Nick Diaz was to have fought Eddie Alvarez. A lot of people will rightfully point to the downfall of the legend of Kimbo Slice as the final nail in the coffin for EliteXC, but let's not forget that the beginning of the end was the show in good ol' Stockton. Why us? Because our show was the Kimboless card, if we had sold (keyword being "sold" not "given away") more tickets and gotten better ratings, maybe someone decides EliteXC is viable and buys it. But neither of those things happened and now it's gone. Bigfoot Silva's steroid usage probably didn't help matters either.

How hard is it to get decent sports analysis?

I loathe the Record's Sports pages. I may have brought it up a time or two. One of the bigger issues I've always had with their sports page is that their columnists always suck donkey balls. Lori Gilbert sucked, Two-Minute Driller sucked, and now Bob Highfill sucks. I had high hopes that when Gilbert was banished to the LENS section that the sports columns would get better, now I'm starting to think they just replaced Lori's picture with Bob's and let her continue writing sports. Today's column was so bad I've decided it's FJM time. Let's dive in, shall we?

Coaching isn't a secure profession, but the past week or so has been brutal: Mike Nolan was fired by the 49ers on Monday, Denis Savard was dumped by the Chicago Blackhawks on Thursday after four games and Tommy Bowden resigned from Clemson on Oct. 13.

Yeah, the past week may have been brutal for them, but not nearly as brutal as the past month fans of those teams have had.

How cool is it that a Lodi native, shortstop Jason Bartlett, is playing in his first World Series for a team that was a 200-1 shot to make it before the start of the season?

Almost as cool as that timely error he made in waning innings of game 7? By the way, did the Kings play yesterday...wait, scratch that. Basketball in general, regardless of what team, happened yesterday right? I see box scores, but no game recaps, at all. Aren't the Warriors playing a somewhat interesting preseason game against a non-NBA opponent today? But really, continue blathering on about two east coast teams facing each other in the World Series.

Nolan looked like a beaten man as he walked off the field after Sunday's loss to the New York Giants in the Meadowlands. It was like he knew his future with the 49ers depended on the outcome of that game.

So the coach of a team that just got beat looked beaten? Wow, I take it all back. This is some crack analysis. I wonder if Tom Cable looked like a winner after winning his first game as a head coach.

Talk about brotherly love, or lack thereof, former Auburn football coach Terry Bowden wrote in his weekly comments at that his brother, Tommy, deserved to be forced out at Clemson because he didn't meet expectations. "...he, of all people, knew what to expect when he got into this business." Thanksgiving at the Bowden house should be on pay-per-view.

Holy shit! An awkward Thanksgiving because of some truthful criticism levied against a family member? That's like every Thanksgiving ever since the dawn of time. (Including the time Goody Proctor's kid asked what "that funny thing" on Geronimo's head was at the first Thanksgiving.) Considering the Bowdens would be having a southern Thanksgiving, I don't think it even registers on the awkward meter until someone calls someone's wife a whore while passing the stuffing (stuffing of course being the best Thanksgiving food to use in euphemisms for infidelit. Sweet potatoes is second).

I could wade through the rest of the column, but I'm running a bit long here. But before I go, shame on the Record for not even mentioning the death of a great American hero like Dolemite. A guy who made subjective fashion lists gets coverage, but not the guy who fucked up motha fuckas for a living (amongst other things)? Weaksauce.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Off-Topic: First I discover there's no League of Robots, and now this?

I was working on a post about how lame Mondays are due to the amount of work my job has on Mondays and the complete lack of interesting news the Record puts forth (and other asinine things like putting financial advice on the front page of the LENS section instead of in the Money section). But then the news hit the wire and I just couldn't bring myself to bitch about such trivial things anymore.

Dolemite is dead. Rudy Ray Moore has died from complications with diabities at the age of 81 and the world is a little less bad ass because of it.

Nary a day has gone by where I've driven in Stockton and not shouted "Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your mothafuckin' ass!" at whatever old Asian lady I invariably get stuck behind.

Dolemite inspired one of only three recurring skits on MadTV that were actually funny (Making MadTV funny was probably Dolemite's biggest accomplishment), he was an icon amongst icons, and most importantly...well, I'll let him say it, "I'm gonna let 'em know that Dolemite is back on the scene! I'm gonna let 'em know that Dolemite is my name, and fuckin' up motha fuckas is my game!"

Fuckin' up mothafuckas indeed. You will truly be missed by this honky ass mutha fucka.

Trying to make sense of the search for a new police chief

The Record's blogs have been on the ball with some great posts on the search for a new Police Chief. The verdict? It's not going to be easy to get someone good.

David Siders brought great shame to Christian Burkin by giving us some background on previous searches and ultimatly comes to the conclusion that the city will probably conduct a nationwide search for a replacement.

Christian comes back with a great post about just how difficult that search will be because of the city's budget problems. In the end, we can't recruit "the best and the brightest" as Ann Johnston suggests we should because the best and the brightest make $100,000 more than Stockton could afford even before the budget cuts. And even if we could afford a top flight police chief, it's not like he'd be roaming the streets himself makng us safer, we'd still need more cops.

To us the solution is clear, we know of a man who is not only the best and brightest, but can make an impact on the streets. A man with a machine-like work ethic. Someone who won't look at his sweetass pension plan and decide to retire to spend more time with his wife and kids because he doesn't have any. You want big city experience? He cleaned up the mean streets of Detroit when noone else wanted to or could. The choice is clear, Robocop for Police Chief.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sexy Friday post (NSFW depending on the prudishness of your boss)

Well, the weekend's here. After last week's connectivity debacle I feel kind of bad depriving you the sexy goodness of Sexy Friday. So here's Suzanne Carlson to make up for it. You're welcome. Thank God It's Sexy Friday. See you guys next week.



Shit to do for the weekend of Oct. 17th-20th

Sexy Friday 10/17

Fuck, every week it seems like Sexy Friday can't get here soon enough. Tonight's fairly busy, there's a show at UOP featuring Built Like Alaska at 8 tonight. Doesn't say exactly where on campus, but one would assume it's at the not nearly as awesome as promised Lair.

While we're at UOP, might as well stick around for Midnight Madness which is at the Spanos Center at 10. Apparently the NCAA's going by Central time this year. But hey, what better way to end your Sexy Friday than by watching a skills competition between members of the women's basketball team? Who needs excitement when you got fundamentals? Free

Saturday 10/18

When I read that there was going to be a 24-hour Comic Challenege at the Comic Grapevine in Stockton, I thought it was going to be a bunch of nerds sitting around reading comics for 24 hours in some sort of read-a-thon. Luckily I was wrong, it's actually a way more interesting contest where the contestants need to make a full 24-page comic book in under 24 hours. Which is such an interesting idea that I might actually go to the Grapevine for the first time since I discovered boobs. My guess is the guy who makes the tentacle rape comic wins.

Speaking of events with names that might mislead a guy who's only half awake (I think my coffee's broken, time to start using 5-hour energy as cream), SF has some event called "Free Bird Party" going on. Not sure exactly what it is, but if there's not at least 2 15-minute guitar solos they need to rename the event, or release an actual bird from captivity.

Reggie Ginn is playing at some place called the Vinter's Cellar in good ol' Manteca at 7. In a testament to the lameness of scene kid styles, it took me about halfway through Ian Hill's artcile on 209Vibe to realize Reggie was a girl. Which totally made me feel better about thinking she was attractive. That was a confusing 10 mins or so. Free.

Sunday 10/19

Morning Glory, The Stouts, and The Black Horde play an afternoon show at the Blackwater at 2 pm. Hmmm, punk show or football? Sorry, football wins. Why? Because unlike the Blackwater, my place still serves Pabst. $8

The Niners are playing the Giants this weekend in a game they will most assuredly lose. And the Jets bring their gunslinger to Oakland to destroy the Raiders. Fuck. When's that punk show again? Can I bring my own beer? At least our games are going to be better than Lions/Texans. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't show that game in Detroit or Houston either.

Bonus Monday 10/20

International Espionage, Alitak, Andrew Hemans, and hey Manna! play the Blackwater at 7. I know from personal experience that 3 of those bands kick ass. So, you know, go. $5

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Record's sports pages, so predictable that I wrote this yesterday

So the Kings/Clippers game was yesterday. The Kings lost but it's preseason so wins and losses don't really matter. All that matters is how the young nucleus of the Kings played. How did Spencer Hawes do? Jason Thompson got his first start, did he have an extra spark in his game? Let's consult the Record's coverage.

Jason Anderson, what do you got for me? A Bobby Brown (Kings edition, not New Edition) puff piece with minimal stats included? Huh. It's a nice article and all, but couldn't this soft feature have been better used to help promote the game in the days leading up to it? It's really just kind of a basic rookie story.

Oh well, let's ask Bob Highfill, he's the editor so obviously he knows that the day after a game you usually say something about what happened in the game. Or he wrote a "Stockton and Kings both excited to be here" column that also probably should have been in the paper yesterday instead of today.

What the fuck guys? I got more info about the game from the photo captions than from the two articles about the game. No mention of Kevin Martin's 27 first half points in which he only missed one(!) field goal. No mention of Spencer Hawes' defensive aewakening? Kenny Thomas got playing time for fuck's sake! Were Highfill and Anderson even at the fucking game or did Cliff Oto just show them a slideshow about it when he got back to the office?

And worst of all, if they're not going to break down the game, can't they pull a report from a wire service like usual? For those who would like one SactownRoyalty's Tom Ziller has a fantastic (as usual) write up over on his site.

Quick Links for 10/16

Ever want to see how neighborhoods in Stockton compare to neighborhoods in other cities? Now you can! Apparently half this town is like Bernal Heights in SF. Not sure how to feel about that.

Holy Jesus Christ Monkey Balls! Sub-$3 gas! How the fuck is this still a story!?

Next budding "controversy" for the"partisan mouthpiece" that is the Record? Or just common sense? HuffPo, it's your move. Recordnet could desperately use the hits. They need to show off the impressive size of their linkback list. Which is a great idea by the way.

Christian Burkin checks in after a fairly lengthy blog break to chime in on Tom Morris' retirement. It's a must read if only for the classic line "If the city finds someone who will (take the Stockton Police Chief job), Morris said, 'I would make sure you give that person a psychological exam.'" We're going to screenshot the post just in case Recordnet gets a little squirrelly with the "delete post" button again.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Kings game less advertised than Record-sponsered Literacy Fair

I know I've been pissing and moaning about this subject for the last month or so, and even did so earlier today, but I have to throw in one more observation that I missed.

As you know, the Record's attempt at helping push this game was a photo contest and a puff piece about Francisco Garcia. That's it.

It made me think, what other events have happened in Stockton that got better coverage? Let's compare shall we?

There were at least 3 articles/columns about that lame Dancing with the Stars show featuring people of various disabilities. The Stockton Rodeo got better coverage months before it was even supposed to happen.

Oh, and then there's everybody's favorite conflict of interest, the Record-sponsered Literacy Fair. Which pretty much took over the paper during the preceding week. Next year the Maloofs should totally get the Record to sponser the game so it'll get covered.

Really? That's it?

So the Kings are playing their first official game in Stockton in 20 years tonight (yes, tonight), and the best The Record can do is a youth movement puff piece centered around El Flacco's new contract? They should have been writing that shit a fucking month ago. Today should have been breaking the game down by position. You know, previewing the actual God damn game.

Or they could have picked one of the 50 other running sideplots for this game. Will Spencer Hawes continue to improve? Is Jason Thompson going to be the steal of the draft? Aren't those new unis snazzy? That's three easy fucking story ideas that I just pulled out of my ass that could have been printed throughout the month to help build excitement for the game. Instead, we get one half assed puff piece that doesn't even mention the best player on the team.

Kevin Martin, the leader of the youth movement the article was about, is treated an afterthought. He's the guy Cisco has to share minutes with in the backcourt. Don't get me wrong, I love Francisco Garcia and am stoked that he extended his deal, but if you're going to write an article that's going to be the only analysis we get from the Record before the game, it should probably be about someone who actually starts.

On a sidenote, I don't know why it took me so long to realize this, but the two ads that have been running for the game and the photo contest feature the exact same pictures of the players, just moved around within the ad so they don't exactly mirror each other. Are there that few pictures of Kings players out there?

Quick Links for 10/15

We've read this story a couple of times and we're still not 100% what happened. The security guard got arrested for trying to keep the pumpkin patch secure, you know, his job. And then all of the sudden the kid who gets shot is an alleged rapist? Where the fuck did that come from? Was he raping pumpkins? The Great Pumpkin is not going to be pleased.

Speaking of shit we touched on yesterday, Bogey's is back in the news for (surprise!) another senseless act of violence. We've blamed lots of things on alcohol, the latest being that $200 lap dance I bought last Friday (You ever get an hour long lap dance? Totally worth it), but stabbing a guy with his own knife is a bit extreme. Alcohol is not an excuse, unless she was really really fat.

So it turns out that the bus driver of that casino bus crash wasn't drunk or high at all, just a really bad driver. Law enforcement has a day to find probable cause to continue holding him. That's right, we live in a world where a guy gets arrested for shooting a pumpkin rapist, but this guy's probably going to walk even though his shitty driving may have killed some people. (They're still trying to figure out the actual cause of the accident. Our money's on too many fat guys on one side of the bus during a sharp turn)

We're not even going to feign surprise about this. Leave the fruit basket though, it's still fresh enough for the next guy. Plus we can't afford to buy the new guy another, fucking budget cuts. By the way, offering to give up vacation days isn't that good of a counter offer because the city would still have to fucking pay you. Not that this is about money or anything...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Well, fuck.

I'm a dumbass. Being the procrastinator that I am, I went to go buy tickets to tomorrow's (that's right Record's sports section. tomorrow. Thanks for the complete lack of support.) Kings game this weekend and found out that I was shit out of luck. The cheapest available tickets are the $55 seats that run along the baseline on either end of the Spanos Center. In other words, the shit seats. Considering I'm not a rich man and don't even pay $55 to go to Kings games that count in Arco, I'll be watching the game from a place that allows beer, my apartment. Yes, I'm pissed. But hey, that means the game might have respectable attendance. So umm, hooray? Nope, still pissed. Excuse me while I got scour Craigslist for a spare cheap ticket.

Quick Links for 10/14

One of the best parts about running your own website is deciding which holidays you get off. So rest assured that as proud Italian Americans (There has to be Italian in there somewhere), we spend the entire day watching Sopranos reruns yesterday in honor of Columbus day. We also may have played Wii stoned. Also to honor Columbus. Apologies for the extra day off, but we needed it. So here's a roided up version of the quick links which will probably be decidedly not quick.

Worst part of this story is at the end. "No suspects have been identified, according to the report." Pretty sure the suspect is the dumbass in the hospital with a bullet in his ass for trying to steal pumpkins at 1 am.

You can get arrested for only having guns and pot now? Did we move out of California recently and not know about it? 4 people got arrested for 3 ounces of pot, that's less than an ounce a person. That's not even a felony! We could have sworn the standard for arrest was meth or higher.

We hear Bogey's is under new ownership, so this probably doesn't bode too well for their investment. Welcome to Stockton.

Real headline for this column, "Hey! Remember when we endorsed Obama? Anybody? Hello?" Way to stretch it out another week guys.

We apparently attack our cops at a higher rate than other cities of comparable size. Two out of the past five years we've been the champ. Last year we even beat Oakland. Man, we're just overwhelmed with civic pride. Just screams "All-American City" doesn't it?

We totally understand the intended sarcasm in the 3-Minute Record's headline about Levi Johnston, but it's still a bad idea. That headline is essentially Letter to the Editor bait, and let's face it, there's been enough letters to the editor about the election lately. After November we're punching the first person who even mentions the word politics in the face.

We're linking to this only for the puntastic "Taking college by storm" line. Fuck I hate our minor league team names. Thunder is a shitty name for a minor league hockey team, let alone an NBA team.

Oh, and happy 100th post to us.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Finally, Shit to do for the weekend of 10/10

(Apologies, the wind wreaked havoc on my wireless connection. This post took approx. 4 hours to cobble together. I wish I was kidding.)

Sexy Friday 10/10

Brassai, Novel Heroes, and Better Days are playing at the Blackwater tonight at 8. I've actually seens Brassai play before and they'll rock your balls off. Should be a good show, hopefully these hurricane force winds will have died down by then. Or else where will all the hipsters smoke? $5

Saturday 10/11

In what can only be described as the start of the "Oh shit, the game's this week" festivities, the Kings will be hosting a block party from 1-3 at the downtown movie theater. the Kings dance crew and Slamson will more than likely be there. No word on whether or not Spencer Hawes will show up. But hey, it's a last second event to promote the game, which is usually a good indicator as to how ticket sales are going. Free

Sunday 10/12

Again, fucking nothing. Next time Middagh or Ian post one of those "Look at the inoordinate amount of shows coming up" bulletins on MySpace I'm totally calling bullshit.

The Niners take on the Westbrookless Eagles in a game both teams need to win. And the Tom Cable era begins in Oakland as the Raiders go to New Orleans. In other words, it's another weekend where both Bay Area teams lose. But hey, at least the Kings game is next week. Not that anybody's making a big enough deal about it or anything.

If you signed that petition, here's the result.

Remember earlier this week when A.G. Spanos Cos. dropped it's referendum bid? Well David Siders has the resulting letters (.pdf warning) posted on his blog for anybody interested. Don't blame you if you're not.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Cutting through the bullshit so you don't have to

Only one week away until the Kings come to Stockton! Wooo! Who's got preseason fever!? Man, aren't those new jerseys awesome? You guys get your tickets yet? Yeah me neither. I'm not too worried. And while the Record's at least faking like it cares with it's photo contest, it's not exactly making ticket purchasing easy. But that's where we come in.

Let's say you want to purchase your tickets for the game online. links you to this, which happens to be the homepage of the site. (I'd have included the actual recordnet link but it was full of trackers to give credit for the clickthrough, and fuck them.)

The problem with the site (and don't get me wrong, they do a great job over there), is that the Stockton game isn't listed with the rest of the preseason games. So if you click "tickets" looking for the Spanos Center game, it doesn't show up. Instead, amongst a sea of other banner ads, is a small "The Kings are coming to Stockton" banner on the right hand side. That link sends you to a press release about the game which includes the link to Ticketmaster for the game. That's where you can find tickets for the game online.

Consider that link help a public service. Want to go to the Kings game in the Spanos Center? The Record will give you a roundabout link designed to increase hits for the Kings site, we'll cut the bullshit for you. This counts as community service, right officer?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Where was "clarify legal language" on those petition guys' fact sheets?

Guess who realized that he didn't have as much support once people got home from the supermarket and realized what that petition they signed was actually for?

Yesterday, in a closed door meeting (oh the irony), A.G. Spanos Cos. agreed to drop its referendum bid in exchange for a letter promising that the city will adhere to the language in the Sierra Club settlement. Thus dealing Alex Spanos his second loss this week. This one stings just a little bit less than losing to the Dolphins. But most importantly it means this General Plan shit might finally be over. (For the city at least.)

In the end the issue ended up not being jobs, but whether the city would actually impose green building standards or would just consider them. Apparently Spanos was the only one who didn't realize that the city would consider imposing green building standards the same way I considered quitting drinking this morning, it ain't fucking likely. We can only assume the closed door meeting was so the city could lean across the table and say "Shut the fuck up or else the hippies will put down their bongs long enough to find out they got a shit deal." And that pisses us off. We wanted to see that in person. The people should have been involved in the settlement of the settlement. In response we're forming the American Alliance for Jobs and Mo'Money for You and the Children of America.

The AAJMMYCA wants you to know that the public was shut out of this referendum dropping and that's not right. AG Spanos Cos. might have stopped caring about the people having a say in shit we don't really need to vote on, but that doesn't mean we can't have our say. We want to involve the public in the process of deciding whether or not we should accept that letter. And we really want to see Spanos' lawyers try to explain that they were doing the whole referendum thing for the people and future jobs when all it took to get them to drop it was clarification that the settlement doesn't guarantee they'll have to use more expensive building methods. Come on, you know that would be hilarious.

Anybody feel like springing for a full page ad in the Record for us?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hey, want to go downtown and see Religulous? Oh wait...

There's an assload of movies I've been meaning to go see over the past couple of weeks. One of them is the Bill Maher movie "Religulous". I've heard good things about it and naively assumed that our 16-screen downtown movie theater would be showing it when it's wide-release came around last Friday.

But that, of course, would make sense. It's not like they've been advertising it in our market. No, the closest movie theater playing it is the IMAX in fucking Dublin. Our theater has two screens dedicated to "Beverly Hills Chihuahua", two screens dedicated to "Eagle Eye", and what has to be a pity screen dedicated to the piece of shit that is "An American Carol", yet they can't squeeze in one screening of "Religulous"? The only real redeeming quality that theater has is its large quantity of screens that frees up room for smaller releases, and they never fucking do so. Want to draw people downtown? Show decent movies. Want to draw people to downtown Stockton from out of town show movies they can't see in their towns!

Or just show what every other movie theater is showing. No need to distinguish ourselves from movie theaters in other cities.

The Record's Obama endorsement: Legit endorsement or PR move?

Remember when the Record endorsed Barack Obama a couple of weeks ago?

Yeah, we didn't care either. Yes, we're well aware that it's their first endorsement of a democrat since FDR. The Huffington Post even wrote a piece about it, but does it really matter?

California is in the tank for Obama. Which is easily the most frustrating part of this seemingly endless election process. Everybody knows our electoral votes are going to whoever the democrats throw out there, so why is there such a big fuss over a useless endorsement? Because the Record wanted it that way.

The Record's endorsement of Obama is more a PR move than an actual endorsement. They played up the fact that they've endorsed republican presidential candidates for 72 years and piggybacked on Obama's message of change to try and garner press from the easiest people to bait, political bloggers.

Of course HuffPo took the bait and the Record got to witness the measured political discourse the internet is known for. Somehow they were able to squeeze another column out of this subject on Sunday. (Summary of that column "Look at all the hits we got!) (Side note: thanks for explaining the cryptic journalism term "page views" Don. Nice to know you think we're idiots.)

While I'm happy that the Record finally got their heads out of their asses to support the obvious choice for president, I just wish they'd done it for the right reasons.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Found on Craigslist: Is this your dog? Want it anyway?


Have I mentioned how much I love this area lately? Listed under the free stuff category on the Stockton Cragislist.

Quick Links for 10/6

You know that fatal casino bus crash that happened yesterday? You'll never guess where the driver was from. Surprise! He was on something! In other news, the sun rose this morning.

Just when you thought you couldn't get enough bickering over shit that's probably going to be revised in 15 years anyway, San Joaquin County has decided it's time to take a look at their general plan. Which actually brings up the question, shouldn't this be the plan that decides whether or not Stockton can build east of 99 in Morada?

Something we forgot to mention in the previous post (besides the fact that we're kinda busy, so apologies for not bringing our A game today) is the fact that links to related posts are back! Woooo! Next thing you know they'll be doing it on stories that aren't a good 3 months past relevancy.

Lodi's close to giving the cricket players they once hassled for being too dark loud a place to call home. And yet Stockton continues to deny our requests for a permanent home for our Professional Kickball League.

And finally, what a slut.
So yesterday it became official. The Record's gas beat has gone from eerily dedicated to overkill. Yesterday in what was the first in a series of useless features, gas took over the paper.

Did you know people have been making lifestyle adjustments to be able to afford gas? They have to (brace yourselves for these shocking adjustments) carpool, or walk more, or take the bus, or take the commuter bus (that's right two stories about riding the bus, they were riveting), or maybe not take as many vacations. Lives are being turned upside down people!

It's not just the common folk either, farmers and the government are having a tough time turning a profit because of gas.

How could it have possibly have gotten this bad? Oh, politics? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honestly we've been beaten down by gas prices so much that it doesn't even really affect us anymore. Especially since gas prices have gone down a fucking dollar in the past 3 months. Sure it's still high, but it's not $4.50. We'll take it.

In fact, we're pretty sure that's how everybody feels. High gas prices have forced us all to adjust, only we all quietly made those adjustments about 2 or 3 years ago when gas was only mildly overpriced. Anger can only fester so long before you just stop caring. Unless of course you're Joe Goldeen and his blog. (We ususally skip his blog, but god damn that's a stalkerish dedication to gas prices. Shouldn't the Healthcare/Banking reporter be writing about healthcare and, oh I don't know, banking? We hear stuff might be going on with banks lately.)

Unfortunately, like with gas prices, the Record has kind of beat us into submission with it's shitty, multi-part features about subjects that nobody cares about. They'll always be there. We look forward to next weeks 8-story second part about alternative fuels and then the 12-story finale about how to save gas. It's not like there's an election or anything going on.