Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Seven Days of Jolly Drinking, Day 1

The first day got off to an inauspicious start.  Nothing spectacular, just stopped by an old favorite in Valley Brew.  Now I say old favorite because they got rid of an all time favorite past-time of mine, and that was $5 pitchers on Sundays.  

How do you win me back?  $6 dollar pitchers!  I'll take that.  Three pitchers later, and I'm reminiscing of a summer filled with bad decisions.  So my money stretched a good distance.  Sports on TV?  Check.  But, How much hockey can you really have on?  Did every TV need to be on hockey?  How did they know I love to watch Canadiens brutalize each other?  

Strange factor was non-existent.  Hey, it was Monday, they can't all be winners, although the waitress and bartender were definitely ok in my book.  

All in all it was a good start to the seven days.  Tonight should get a little more interesting.  

Quick Links for March 31st

Oh hey, I finally stopped feeling like my head was trying to eat itself from the inside out (Note: this part was written earlier today. I don't get all day hangovers on $25 worth of drinks). I'm totally never drinking again...until tonight when the 7 jolly days of drinking continues. In honor of that, let's try and bang out some Quick Links.

Even when they time shit perfectly, the City Council has horrible timing

We almost missed this because the city announced this in the late-afternoon on a Friday in a classic newsdump, but guess what? Those cops are still probably getting laid off. Except now instead of 29, it's 45. And most of them found out after returning from the funeral for those 4 Oakland police officers. Yeah, it was a classy move.

Especially classy when you consider two things. The layoff notices were given to the lowest officers on the seniority chart, some who won't be laid off if officers with higher seniority decide to take the city's retirement buyout package thingy (its technical name by the way). So really, depending on who takes they early retirement thing, a lot of those officers won't actually be laid off. The other thing is, these were layoff notices announcing possible layoffs in June that we already fucking knew about. Sure, the addition of 16 more possible layoffs was surprising, but the last thing a guy wants to see when he just got back from a funeral is a reminder that his job is in jeopardy. It was the definition of a total dick move.

I guess we now have an idea as to how Fitzy voted in the Nasty Fetish Tourney

If I may channel Bill Simmons for a second...

There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there's this sentence from Mike Fitzgerald's blog:

The one thing that interest me was the hermaphrodite.

I don't really know what I can add to that. I swear to God I didn't make that up. That actually appeared in Fitzy's blog post about the closing of Gottschalks (wait, that was still open?). Is this some sort of joke? Like an early April Fool's Day kind of thing?

He barely even let's that sentence settle in before he assails you with the mental image of a deep-fried hermaphrodite (which was the most popular booth at the Oakdale Testicle Festivle by the way. And yes, that's real too. This is what happens when you take away the chocolate. And Yahoo deserves a Pulitzer for that headline and lead) without even so much as a warning. Again, I'm not kidding. I would make some sort of joke about how he seems way too eager to know about the sex life of a hermie but I'm just in total awe of that post. How the fuck is his blog more raunchy than mine today? That's just fucking depressing. And to think I thought his ego smothered his sense of humor in it's sleep years ago. Hey wait, what's this...

Time to rifle off a letter to the editor of National Lampoon!

Only Mike Fitzgerald would precede a deep-fried hermaphrodite joke by taking something written in the Onion too seriously. I guess this means his sense of humor really is dead. Which says all sorts of creepy things about the above item.

Ah, there's that joke I was looking for. I knew it'd show up eventually. Man, it feels good to laugh again.

Hippie fiiiiight!k

You know, we haven't checked in on Briefcase Breitler lately. Let's see what's going on over at his blog. What's this? Saturday was that lights out hour thing? And on top of that somebody counter-promoted an event just to piss all the dirty light pollution hippies off? That's fucking funny. Sure, it's not Fitzy wistfully reminiscing about his missed opportunity with a shemale funny, but it's still pretty hilarious. Of course, we're all for anything that pisses off those dirty hippies.

Happy Communist Organizer day! Now what the hell are we forgetting?

So it's the end of March and it feels like something's missing. Let's run down the monthly checklist.

Completely destroy some stupid idea Fitzy wrote about: Check

Take the city to task for horrible timing: Check and check

Point out Lori Gilbert's affinity for the elderly (Which we hear is a 3 seed in the Nasty Fetish NIT): Check (last item)

Get punched by a midget: Check

Drink: Check, check, and check.

Hmmm, it seems like something's missing. Oh wait, now I remember! It's time for...

March's Rube of the Month!

I know you're probably thinking we totally forgot about it since it's the very last day of March, but we didn't. We just saw something earlier this month that had rubian potential and had to wait for it to play out. Well, it played out like we expected and that's why March's Rube of the Month is a man we talk about quite a bit on here, Mr. Michael Fitzgerald. I'm honestly kind of surprised it took this long for him to earn the distinction. Sure, he was directly involved in last's month's ROTM, but this time he actually gets the nod himself. What can I say? He's a double threat. He's the player-coach of rubes.

So why does Fitzy deserve such a lofty distinction? It's simple really, he allowed his man crush on newish booking agent Stephen Grossman to cloud his judgement. Specifically this line:

Grossman said next week he should be able to announce two new events for the arena.

That was two weeks ago. Let me check the paper real quick...yeah big fat goose egg. Again.

Are we nitpicking? Yeah, a little bit. But when we read that our response was "Yeah, whatever. We'll believe it when we see it." But then again, we're horrible skeptics. It's a quality that's easy to develop when you've lived in Stockton as long as we have. We've had guys promise great acts and fall through before *coughRalphWhite*cough*. Thing is, Fitzy's lived here way longer than we have. He should be just as skeptical if not more. Which is really why he's this month's rube. He should know better than to trust the guy with the least enviable job in the city (well, you know, besides Gordon Palmer's).

I could call Grossman every week and he'd probably say something along the lines of "We're really really super close to booking a big act" just to get me off his ass (you know, so Fitzy can reaffix his lips). I wouldn't print anything like that because it's vague and there's really no information in there. Fitzy prints it because he wants to make his pal look good. And then when nothing happens, he looks like a fucking stooge. And that, my friends, is how Mike Fitzgerald earned his very first Rube of the Month award. It almost definitely won't be his last.

Let the countdown to somebody pointing out the event announcement that we probably totally missed begin. (Note: Vincente Fernandez doesn't count because that's a fucking gimmie)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Let he who has never done anything stupid cast the first squirrell

"Who are you?" "The spirit of Cesar Chavez." "Why do you look like Cesar Romero?" "Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like." The Simpsons Season 12 Ep. 15

Well, apparently my advice from last week was taken and Don Blount formed an opinion on something. Predictably it was a horribly wrong opinion. I said it Thursday and I'll say it again, people are allowed to be ignorant. Why else would half the people in newspapers still be around?

We touched on this last week. But since Don saw it and decided to push it into this week's news cycle, we'll go a little bit more in depth.

First of all, was what he said really that bad? We're of course taking him at his word that there was no malice meant in what he said. What did he say? That he thought Chavez was a Communist organizer. Is calling somebody a Commie even really an insult anymore? Barack Obama gets called socialist on what seems like an hourly basis on Fox News. That's a legitimate (well, as legit as Fox gets) news organization that's broadcast nationwide. Bestolairdes' transgression was sent in a private e-mail that was leaked to the press. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The point is, that calling someone a communist is a fucking joke. Nobody outside of the 1950s uses that as a serious accusation. Anybody who takes it as an actual insult is a fucking pussy. It even states in the column that Chavez found it entertaining to combat allegations of communism. It's an absurd accusation. Joe McCarthy thinks it's laughable in this day and age.

I'm actually glad Don Blount brought up Barack Obama's "Special Olympics" remark on Leno as another example of an insensitive misstep because anybody who was offended by that is also a fucking pussy. If you had listened to the context of that joke you'd know Obama was right. Leno was in the midst of blowing him over his decidedly average bowling score and Barry correctly told him to cut that shit out. Why the fuck was that even a news item? Well, that brings me to my next point.

News organizations get e-mails from special interest groups all the time. It's really fucking annoying. And unfortunately, Bestolairdes' e-mail was sent directly to a special interest group. They saw an opportunity to push their agenda right before Cesar Chavez Day and sent the e-mail to the Record. The Record pounced on the opportunity because, as we bitched about noted, last week was a painfully slow news week. The result? Don Blount and the various outraged local Latino organizations are calling for a public apology for an e-mail that they made public! This makes the Latino organizations happy because it puts them in the news in the week leading up to their big weekend celebration. And it makes Don Blount and the Record happy because it fills space and gives them a different angle to present the Cesar Chavez story instead of printing something that resembles a high school term paper on Cesar Chavez Day. Everybody wins, except for Steve Bestolairdes of course.

And that's truly the sad part of this whole thing, in the interest of self-promotion and space filling, intent was thrown out the window. Did Bestolairdes intend to offend Stockton's sizeable Latino population? Of course not. He made an ignorant statement in a private e-mail. If anything, the Dolores Huerta Foundation should be apologizing to Bestolairdes for publicly disseminating his e-mail. He apologized to the involved parties.

If he had accidently hit "reply all" and sent that e-mail out to every city computer or something, then yes, a public apology would be warranted. But he didn't publicize his ignorance, the special interest groups did. All to pretty blatantly promote their agenda. Because, let's face it, Steve Bestolairdes knows who Cesar Chavez was. He's not retarded. He was just a tired man who made a bad joke. Funny thing is, the joke wasn't even about Cesar Chavez. As far as we can tell, dude was making a joke about Barack Obama. A guy who's opponents referred to him as a community organizer in a negative fashion. And a guy who, as we said earlier, is called a communist on a pretty regular basis. He was comparing the bullshit Chavez faced with the bullshit Obama faces today. So, if anything, Bestolairdes was guilty of making a bad joke after a 16-hour day. Which A) is exactly what he apologized for, and B) is something every single fucking one of us has done before.

But let's assume for a second that he didn't know who Chavez was before getting politically gangraped by the Latino special interest groups. Is it really that big of a fucking deal? Isn't that why we have a Cesar Chavez Day? To educate those who don't know as to who the man was? In the article Jennie Rodriguez wrote about the Cesar Chavez Day festivities (which appears on the page opposite Blount's column) one of the people she interviews is a Mexican immigrant named Enrique Jimenez who admits that he doesn't know much about Chavez himself. I don't see Pedro Ramirez running to hand him a pamphlet. And that brings me to my last point.

The only reason this is even an issue, and the reason Blount argues a more public apology is necessary, is because Bestolairdes holds a public office. And everybody's all too willing to jump on public officials because they "should know better." Well guess what? That's bullshit. The beauty of our political system is that any Joe Schmoe can hold a public office. But nobody wants to because for some God forsaken reason people think that if you can get a majority of the people to like you enough to vote for you, you must be smarter than they are. Well, they're not. Just look at the past couple Delta trustee boards. They're people just like you and me. And, I hate to be the one to break this to you, people fuck up all the time.

Especially at this low of a level of public office. I can at least understand some of the outrage directed at Obama for his comment on Leno because he's the fucking President and said it on a nationally televised program. Bestolairdes is a school district trustee. And in one of the smaller school districts at that. Fuck, if I had the money, a death wish, and lived in the proper area I could be a Lincoln Unified Trustee. Yet, Don Blount is comparing him to Barack Obama and nobody seems to have a problem with this? How is that an apt comparison?

Of course, none of this is new. As a society we've been overscrutinizing our public figures for years with no regard for the impact it might have. To see the impact one just needs to look at the postgame press conference of almost every sporting event. You get homogenized quotes like "Both teams played hard" and "I'd like to thank God and my teammates". It's fucking boring.

But guys like Bob Knight or Ron Artest, who are just genuinely being themselves, are vilified for being too honest with their emotions. Ron Artest is labeled as crazy for, in the heat of the moment, running into the stands after somebody threw a beer at him. In hindsight everybody was eager to say "How could he do such a thing with so much money and fame at stake?" When, in reality, if somebody throws a beer at me I'm not thinking "What are the financial ramapercussions of my actions?" I'm thinking "Where's the motherfucker who threw that fucking beer at me? I'm going to beat the fuck out of him." If you think that's an incorrect line of thinking let me know where you're drinking this weekend and I'll huck a Coors Light at you and we'll see what you think then.

I guess what I'm trying to get at in an entirely roundabout way is that we're all too eager to judge others while ignoring our own shortcomings. Everybody fucks up, it's just a matter of to what degree. Bestolairdes fucked up to a microscopic degree and for some reason it's being treated as if he called Chavez the brown Hitler. All to promote some bullshit event.

Was it really worth it? I guess we'll find out the next time somebody tries to pry some actual important information from an elected official. Will they speak somewhat freely (well, as freely as a politician can speak) and let that nugget of information slip? Or will they remember how their pal got destroyed in the press over a tiny misstep and clam up? Think about that the next time you see a "no comment" in a story. That's real journalism at work. Intent be damned, there's pages to be filled.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Seven Days of Jolly Drinking

In a down economy, there is always one industry that does well:  Booze.  Lets face it, people always want to get their drunk on and look for some strange.  But when times are tough, people really want to get their drunk and fuck on.  So I've come up with a new project, one that fits my distinguished tastes:  The Seven Days Of Jolly Drinking!

Here is the concept.  Starting this Monday, I'm going to go to a different bar or bars in the area (Stockton/Lodi) and get my drunk on for seven straight days.  I cant go to the same bar twice.  And since I'm working on a budget, I'm capping my spending at $25 per place.  I really want to see where $25 will take you and which bars.  Like I know $25 will get me 5 tall boys at one bar and two buckets at another.  So I have to plan ahead. 

A couple of problems I see coming up.  First, Wednesday will be my first test of bars to go or not go to.  Stooges in Lodi for Dollar Beers, Touche Euro Lounge for Beer Pong, or Fats for Karaoke.  And since those are three of my favorites, one or more is going off the board.  Thursday has this new downtown concept of college night, which is also going to take a couple of bars off the board.   

Second, this is going to force me into places I wouldn't normally go.  Like certain Lincoln Center bars.  But this should be fun nonetheless.  Im planning on being an unabashed mess by the time all is said and done.  

My criteria for a good night are as follows:  How far does my money go?  How is the strange?  How are the bartenders?  How are the regulars?  Can I talk sports with anyone there, or am I at a too fancy foo-foo bar?

Im sure I'll find other things to throw in my re-caps.  But Im really looking forward to this absolute drunk-fest that is about to fall upon the area.  

Any suggestions you have of places and specials put them in the comments or e-mail us.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What good has PD done for you?

Since we've lit up local law enforcement for their work (Or lack thereof) I saw this with Ryan Moats, running back for the NFL's Texans, and couldn't help but be amazed at what kids of jackasses PD can be, even to people in distress.  Lest we forget, the Stockton Police department has its own gag order on Melecio Arquines.  

And yes, I'm tying the two together.  Because the officers were more than willing to talk about Arquines when the shooting first happened, then questions arose as to why the man had bullet-holes in his screen door.  They obviously felt justified.  Just as this cop who lectured Moats on running a red light.  Lectured him long enough his mother in law died while the cop was still giving him the business.  When asked about it by his chief, the officer said he was just doing his job.  Wow.  

As for the Moats, I hate to run to the race card so quick.  Obviously this cop felt some sort of disgusting pride/arrogance that he felt the need to not only take almost 15 minutes in giving him a ticket for running a red light, be proceeded to continue an ongoing lecture of his attitude.  But that is cops.  Talk to any of them.  Shit, talk to the cops here in Stockton where we rank nationally high in all crime stats, yet they feel justified and entitled to a raise.  

I still turn to the argument that cops are only in it for the check, so they act accordingly.  Shooting a guy or holding a guy up from seeing a family member doesn't register to them any worse than forgetting a cover letter on a TPS report.  Or at least, in looking at these two events, thats how they see it.  

Quick Links for March 26th

What day is it? Thursday? Fuck. Why can't it be Sexy Friday? Let's look in the paper to see if anything happened. Oh look, jack shit. A-fucking-gain. Thank God the NCAA Tournament starts up again today. Finally basketball that actually matters will be in the news again.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure we're done with the Nasty Fetish Tourney until next week. I'm not entirely sure how long the second round voting is going to go for, but I'm fairly certain we won't be posting any more matchups until next week. Unless of course Punter asks us to post more, then we'd totally oblige. But until then, Quick Links!

Last time I checked people were allowed to not know who Ceaser Chavez was

We didn't touch on this in yesterday's Quick Links because we thought it was ridiculously unremarkable. Granted, we're surprised there's somebody living in the state of California that doesn't know who Cesar Chavez was, but we weren't offended by it. I mean Jesus, all he did was send a private e-mail reply that contained displayed his ignorance. He didn't make a racist comment like Jim Rachels. He asked a seemingly innocent (although, again, incredibly ignorant) question. He even realized his ignorance and profusely apologized before the story even hit the news. So we ask, what's the big fucking deal? Why is this story in it's second day?

We understand Cesar Chavez is an important figure in Latino history. But not knowing who he is shouldn't result in a fucking rally at a meeting. The dozen or so people who showed up showed up there specifically to garner press for their cause, and that's bullshit. It was a classic example of political grandstanding through the press. And they weren't even that fucking subtle about it. Yes, Bestolarides made an error in judgement. One he's admitted to. So there's absolutely no point in showing up to tell him he fucked up because he already knows he fucked up! And that's even if he did fuck up.

Frankly, not knowing/forgetting the history of something isn't that big of a deal. I've forgotten half the shit I learned in high school, does that mean I need protesting press whores handing me fucking history books? No, I'm free to know and not know whatever the fuck I want. Same goes for Bestolarides. He shouldn't be getting shit for his admitted ignorance.

David Siders is a live-blogging machine!

If I had known about this town hall meeting I probably would have shown up...ok, that's a lie. Wednesday night's are South Park night and last night's episode was a million times better than anything that went on last night with with City Council. I know this because David Siders did a running diary of the whole thing. Typical topics were discussed, bankruptcy, trees (of course), IFG, water (oh the unwarranted influence of Mike Fitzgerald), and Sanchez was there to do his usual grandstanding. (Bullshit public grandstanding is apparently today's theme in the Quick Links.) It's a fairly interesting read, but at the same time I'm glad I'm reading it and didn't actually have to experience it.

Misc. Shit

I usually try and have three items to write about in the Quick Links and today's so slow that I ca't do it. The story about the Tracy sub who allegedly molested some kids by touching their shoulder isn't inherently interesting. I blame teen slave for making all other forms of child abuse look tame by comparison. "Oh, some guy got off on rubbing your shoulder? I was chained to a fucking fireplace and force fed booze and pot! Beat that!"

UOP's early exit from the CI.CT was kind of funny but if it happens and nobody sees it, does it really even matter? And what does this mean for a team that for some God forsaken reason was hoping for an at large bid on Selection Sunday? Well, it means that people are retarded and couldn't remove themselves enough to see this team for what it was. A mediocre team at best that was crippled by the university's unsuccessful attempt to keep a rape allegation quiet. This team wasn't going to be good going into the season, wasn't good during the season, and didn't come through during their joke of a postseason. While I feel for the seniors who totally got screwed in this situation, it is what it is. The team was just not that good, and they couldn't even win the lowest level postseason tournament. Prolonging the season officially accomplished nothing. And that's why we'll continue to maintain that the CollegeInsider.com Tourney is fucking useless. The best case scenario for that tourney isn't even that great. Anything less than that is, well, fucking embarrassing.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Quick Links for March 25th

Thank God for the Nasty Fetish Tournament because jack and shit is going on this week. And no, UOP advancing to the semifinals of the CollegeInsider.com tournament is not news. Mostly because I'm pretty sure if I had tens of thousands of dollars to throw around I could grab the guys I play an occasional pickup game with and advance to the semis of that joke of a tournament.

Anyway, it's Wednesday and we haven't done a Quick Links yet this week. Which I'm pretty sure is a record or something. So yeah, Quick Links!

"Taxes? I thought that was part of our deal"

The plight of the Lexington Waterfront Plaza Hotel Bar and Grill and Feed 'n Fuel continues. This time they didn't pay a tax aimed pretty much directly at them. So not only are contractors not getting paid, but the city's not getting the revenue that was part of the reason they gave the old Sheraton such a sweet deal in the first place. Of course, they're blaming it on the fact that the hotel's still in bankruptcy court, which I guess is a decent enough excuse. But this whole situation does underscore how horrible of an idea building an upscale hotel in what's considered (correctly or not) one of the sketchier areas in town. That idea looks fucking golden though compared to the fact that the hotel's profitability hinged on the sale of multiple $700,000 condos on the top of the hotel. None of this is really new news, but like I said, jack shit's been going on this week. Although it is pretty funny that the VP of the hotel is also the chairman of the tourism board that the hotel tax presumably benefits.

Apparently we learned nothing from previous councils

We've said it before and we'll say it again, Arena's are not moneymakers! That being said we understand why the city's considering this. The Arena was maligned while it was being built, and 4 years later it has yet to turn a profit. Most people are ignorant to the fact that it's tough for any new arena to post a profit, especially when the tenants don't have a built in fan base. So Arena opponents have exploited that ignorance and have been calling for immediate action to rectify that. We're not Arena apologists, but immediate action is kind of what got us into this mess in the first place.

The major problem with the Arena and downtown redevelopment as a whole is that it all happened wayyyyy too fast. Podesto was eager to leave his mark on the city and wanted to get everything done before he was out of office. So everything got fast tracked. Want a movie theater? Boom! It's up. Ballpark? Booyah! Built whether we got the land through legal means or not. Arena? Why, that would be the crown jewel! Make it happen! And throw a hotel up there too while you're at it. What was missing in all of this? Well, for one, a chance to see if any of those things could actually succeed downtown. We all know how downtown was perceived pre-redevelopment. It was an area to be avoided unless you had a parking ticket or jury duty. The city did nothing to address those concerns outside throwing up some fences.

Instead of slowly coaxing us into checking out downtown they hijacked the Asparagus festival and forced us downtown. Instead of saying "Hey, we understand your safety concerns and we're doing something to address them" they said "Crime? What the fuck are you talking about? It's perfectly safe down there!" while stories in the paper told us about shootings in front of nightclubs and late night muggings. And while all of this is going on, they expect us to willingly go down there to support not one, not two, but four(!?) brand new venues/businesses. It's like they took the saying "put all your eggs in one basket" and shoved an 8-ball of booger sugar up it's nose.

If they had slowed down they would have seen that it takes time for any venue to be profitable by itself, let alone 3 of them. Instead the edict was clear "Get it done". And they did. And it's costing us big time when we can least afford it. And now it's causing us to consider horrible ideas to try and renegotiate a horrible contract.

We're not saying renegotiation isn't warranted. We're just saying that the city council needs to display the patience that the previous councils didn't. Learn from their mistakes. Immediate solutions aren't the best ones. The money to buy those teams has to come from somewhere. If it comes from bond dollars (not that anyone's indicated that's where it's coming from, but where the hell else is it going to come from, not a hotel tax, that's for sure), you're really just fucking the future to get shut done now. And if that happens have we really learned anything from this whole debacle?

Something for UOP to consider

This has no local connection but I thought this was pretty cool. Plus, we're featuring one reason the internet was created (the widespread distribution of porn), why not feature the other? Academic Earth is a project that feature lectures/courses from various prestigious universities that we have no chance of attending/affording. Of course linking to this kind of outs me as a huge nerd, but for those looking to further their education and don't have the financial means to do so, this site is a fairly good alternative. Even if it isn't worth some class credit. At the very least you'll feel better about yourself for not watching bootleg Simpsons episodes all night again. Plus if shit gets really boring you can just skip to the next lecture in the series. And you can totally smoke a bowl during class.

Nasty Fetish Tournament Second Round - Caveman Regional No. 1 vs. No. 8

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

1. Bukkake

Literal Meaning: The act of two or more men ejaculating on the face of a male or female recipient or recipients.

Wiki Says: Bukkake is the noun form of the Japanese verb bukkakeru (to dash [water]), and means simply "splash". The compound verb can be decomposed into two verbs: butsu and kakeru . Butsu literally means to hit, but in this usage it appears to be an intensive prefix as in buttamageru ("completely astonished") or butchigiri ("overwhelming win").

Popular Advocates: The Japanese, Women with dry skin.

8. Sex Machine.

Literal Meaning: Sexual penetration through mechanical means, either through human power or mechanical power.

Wiki SaysAutomated erotic stimulation devices have been created commercially for penetration and stimulation. However, users must be cautioned that excessive force may easily damage the delicate vagina, anus, and rectum; injury may result if a device is used incorrectly.

Popular Advocates: Will Arnett

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Nasty Fetish Tournament Opening Round - Caveman Regional No, 1 vs. No. 16

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

1. Bukkake

Literal Meaning: The act of two or more men ejaculating on the face of a male or female recipient or recipients.

Wiki Says: Bukkake is the noun form of the Japanese verb bukkakeru (to dash [water]), and means simply "splash". The compound verb can be decomposed into two verbs: butsu and kakeru . Butsu literally means to hit, but in this usage it appears to be an intensive prefix as in buttamageru ("completely astonished") or butchigiri ("overwhelming win").

Popular Advocates: The Japanese, Women with dry skin.

16. MILF.

Literal Meaning: Acronym for “Mother I’d Love to F*ck."

Wiki says: The term was popularized by the Hollywood film American Pie (1999). Also known as Mom I Like To Feel[1], though the origin of the term predates this (the term was already used for years on the Internet).[2] A more family-friendly version is “Mama Is Looking Fine”, though this is not widespread in usage.

Notable Advocates: Oedipus, the guy from that one MILF-hunting website oh what’s it called…, Brad Pitt.

Nasty Fetish Tournament Opening Round - Caveman Regional No. 8 vs. No. 9

In an obviously misguided attempt at mocking the playoff structure of the NCAA tournament, we’re inviting readers to enjoy matchups of actual fetishes in a voter-powered tournament, culminating in April with the Nasty Fetish Final Four. That tournament continues today with Round One action. Remember, you’re voting for what you consider the more nasty fetish.

8. Sex Machine.

Literal Meaning: Sexual penetration through mechanical means, either through human power or mechanical power.

Automated erotic stimulation devices have been created
commercially for penetration and stimulation. However, users must be
cautioned that excessive force may easily damage the delicate vagina,
anus, and rectum; injury may result if a device is used

Popular Advocates: Will Arnett

9. Pregnant

Literal Meaning: Obvious.

: Pregnancy detection can be accomplished using one or more of
various pregnancy tests which detect hormones generated by the
newly-formed placenta. Clinical blood and urine tests can detect pregnancy soon after implantation, which is as early as 6-8 days after fertilization..

Notable Advocates: Seth Rogen.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Update: Today...at least I'm pretty sure today Tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure KSK's Nasty Fetish Tourney will be here today tomorrow. So if you're one of our readers looking for a writeup on Fitzy's latest column, that'll be here too. Just sandwiched between matchup between DVDA and Redheads or something. So if you're easily offended, see ya next week.

If you're here for the tourney, here's that post I did last week explaining the site. The matchups will be up when Punter sends them my way.

I would never see the confusion in this

You know, confusing Rosendo Perez, the reckless driver, with Rosendo Perez, the burglar, attempted murderer, kid beater, and run of the mill domestic violencer.  You know, Lodi PD has so much on its plate and all.  

They are busy.

Its hard to get people to take you seriously and all when you don't even bother to fact check something you pay for.  So I can understand why this guy wants to go through the courts when you turn a guy with a mostly clean record into a disaster case that beats kids.  I would be mad too.  Lodi PD does not do that much.  Lodi is a sleepy town.  Yea, its got its occasional meth labs and if you go on the wrong side of the tracks, the laughable Mexican gangs.  But on the whole its a sleepy town.  Sleepy enough to hand out jay-walking tickets.  SO with time and money, taking time to do their crime-stopper ad right would seem like status quo. 

I'd hate agreeing with Fitzy if he wasn't so right (this time)...and wasn't the only columnist giving us something to agree with

One of the many problems we have with the Record is the fact that their columnists suck. All of them. Fitzy writes too much about his pet projects like downtown and our "dying urban forest". Lori Gilbert writes too much about old people. Bob Highfill can't stick to one subject. Don Blount appears to be writing a stream of consciousness column, only that consciousness isn't worth writing about. And Mike Klocke usually reserves his weekly Sunday space to announce cutbacks and layoffs. Regular readers probably already know this, but this weekend provided a clear example of why they suck. They're all pussies who can't seem to actually state an opinion.

Just look at Mike Klocke's column from yesterday. All it pretty much states is that the City Council has a full plate and that their job isn't/won't be easy. Really? I thought navigating the city through a financial/housing market collapse we're largely considered the epicenter for would be a fucking cakewalk. Or negotiating with the local PD, they wouldn't cut the last council any slack and that mayor was an ex-police chief. I thought throwing a bunch of newbs at them would totally make the process go smoother. I would say this column was 100% uninformative, but it did bring to light the hilarious revelation that lesbian City Council member Susan Eggman chose to dress up, of all Harry Potter characters, notorious gay wizard Dumbledore at the Triva Bee/dress up thingy they had a few weeks ago. Although I could be wrong, maybe another character was the gay one. I don't read kids books.

Of course, if you want 100% uninformative, then Don Blount has got you covered. In this week's Shit Don Blount Saw, Don checks out those antiques he blogged about last week. Yes, Don Blount shit out an entire column about roaming what amounts to a higher end flea market. Yeah, it's riveting stuff. Did Don buy the typewriters? (Spoiler: No) Will the antiques come back next month? (Spoiler: Yes) Will anybody show up? (Spoiler: Judging by the pictures, no) Is any of this newsworthy? (Is Don's column ever newsworthy?) And most importantly, will Don buy the typewriters next time!? (Spoiler: Who the fuck cares?) Yes, as usual, Blount's column was a poorly written "Day in the Life" piece. This time about old things and replicas of old things. Lori Gilbert is insanely jealous. My favorite part of this column was the end where people are surprised the city hasn't fucked this event up yet. God I love Stockton. Except for when they fuck up so badly they make me do shit like this.

Mike Fitzgerald's column yesterday was the only column with some fucking balls. The city fucked up the downtown St. Patrick's Day party so much that Fitz actually stated a correct opinion regarding downtown's mismanagement. I'd be surprised, but it was about St. Patrick's Day and his last name is Fitzgerald. He kind of had to get it right lest his family disown him. I'm not entirely sure why he waited a week to blast the event, but at least he did so, because what the Alliance did was unforgivable. They tried to turn St. Patty's Day into a family event.

God damn that's so Stockton I don't even know where to start (Well, you know, besides when we started here). The downsizing of the event was understandable in today's economy, but the rest of Saturday's shenanigans weren't. Charging $5 for the privilege to buy a $5 was just fucking ridiculous. Especially because the event consisted of mediocre local bands playing outside the pay-area in Janet Leigh Plaza (something you can see for free on pretty much a weekly basis), and because the pay-area consisted of a couple of tents, a bunch of folding chairs and tables, a canopy, and a barbecue. All shit I could probably ask my local church for and get for free. They pulled a classic Stockton money grab and tried to squeeze every cent they could out of the increasingly destitute citizens of Stockton.

And all of that's before you get to the fact that they tried to make it a family friendly event. Which is why we're glad Fitzy said something, because a holiday based on the mass consumption of alcohol isn't exactly the best place for kids. Most people drink to get away from their kids! The other half drink because they're depressed about the economy, so thanks for fucking both halves Stockton. At least we know how badly downtown has to fuck up to get Fitzy to disagree with them. It's completely. But hey, at least he actually stated an opinion. For that, we take back 10% of what we said in this post.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Quick Links for March 20th

Fuck, I'm sick as a dog. I'd call in sick but I had to get sick during one of the two days where calling in sick is most abused, so nobody would believe me anyway. No word yet on the KSK Nasty Fetish Tourney. The matchups will go up as soon as Punter sends them to us. The fact that just announcing the tourney is coming here may have resulted in links to us being taken down on more respectable sites brings me some sick kind of joy. I wonder if that's a fetish we can sneak into the FetishInsider.com tourney. No way in hell we'd get hoodwinked into paying for hosting that tournament like some places I know. Hey, speaking of, Quick Links!

Hey guys, this matters! Really! We're still playing! Pay attention!

For those who don't know, UOP paid a pretty penny ($28,500 a round actually) to host the CollegeInsider.com Tournament. Why? I'll never know. I didn't been know there was a tournament past the NIT, let alone two. Apparently I'm not the only one as the opening game only drew 1,876 fans and UOP was said to have lost up to $10,000 hosting the game. So AD Lynn King promptly signed them up to host the quarterfinals. Makes total sense.

Of course after posting that dismal attendance number UOP's going on the offensive and trying to position the tournament as meaningful when it's anything but. The CollegeInsider.com Tourney is just a giant waste of money. Sure, it gives seniors and extra couple of games to play, but who really cares? We're all in the midst of watching the highest quality college basketball, who would then want to go back to watching a team that couldn't even make the other 2 postseason tournaments. The quality of play is just too low. Plus, what's really the best case scenario? Let's say UOP runs the table and wins the whole shebang, where does that rank them nationally? There are 3 other tournaments considered higher in prestige than the first year CollegeInsider.com tourney. Assuming they all field 65 teams, UOP's tourney victory would rank them 195th or so (math's not my strong suit) in the nation. Is that really worth the roughly $127,000 UOP would have to pay to host all 4 rounds? Couldn't that money have gone towards something better? Hey, what's this....

It doesn't matter if you're good looking, it doesn't matter if you wear Dungarees, it doesn't matter if you're fun to be around. Sooner or later, you're going to get raped

You know, $127k seems like a decent amount of hush money. I bet they could have offered that money to this broad and avoid the bad press instead of paying to play in a tournament where your second round opponent harbors one of the spurned alleged rapists. We're not coming down one way or the other on the whole rape issue, we don't know the details, but one would thing UOP would have made sure that this story wouldn't pop up a year later. Especially during a time when most kids and their parents are deciding on colleges. And double-especially with their unfortunate second round matchup in their Mickey Mouse tournament. Words can't express how disappointed I am that Steffan Johnson is ineligible for this game. That's how you pack an arena, with an alleged rapist. Just ask Don King.

I wonder how Fitzy feels about tree rape's seeding in the fetish tourney

Apparently Fitzy's new goal is to include as little actual information in his columns as possible. First there was his community-owned team idea where one of his reasons (the top reason actually) for owning the team was "We'd be Gods". The meaning of which is still not entirely certain. And now he's doing retreads from his blog (which we would link to if the Record's search engine was anything resembling competent). Of course Fitzy's long crusade for trees seems like one giant retread because he rarely says anything new. Urban forest is dying, City Hall is blowing it if they don't address the issue, city will be ugly without trees, volunteer to help, blah blah fucking blah. Who needs new information? It's not like he writes for a newspaper or anything.

Special preview! Don Blount sees typewriters!

And if you thought a column about trees was exciting, wait til you read Don Blount's column about antiquing or something. What information will be revealed? Probably none, other than the fact that typewriters are old any nobody uses them anymore, which means college hipsters are going to start buying them all up and turning in typewritten term papers for irony's sake. And you know what that means, trend piece! That sound you hear is journalism dying a little bit.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Enough with the freaking out already

What the fuck is this, bad idea week? First we discovered that somebody thinks we want to know the answer to the question "I wonder what the life of a nationally ranked women's high school basketball team is like" is. Then Fitzy floated his horrible idea for a community-owned Stockton Thunder. And now the City Council has decided to one up Fitz and is considering buying the team outright in addition to buying out the remainder of its contract with IFG.

On the surface it seems like an OK idea. The deal with IFG continues to hamper the Arena's ability to even come close to turn a profit and a buyout clause in the IFG contract would allow Thunder owner Michael Reinsdorf to require the city purchase the teams anyway should they pursue a buyout (we've mentioned the shadiness of this whole relationship before right? Really fucking shady). Plus, if the city were to buy the teams, it would only be for the short term. Yesterday, our main reason against a community owned team was the the team's long-term profitability. That wouldn't be the case with this deal.

But it's still a bad idea just for timing's sake. This council seems to have a penchant for bad timing and going through with the first option would only piss off, well, pretty much everybody. Cops would be pissed because, if we have the money to buy a fucking hockey team, we should have enough to finally give them their raises and shut fuck up about layoffs. Already laid off city employees would be fuming. City services would be royally pissed after getting reorganized earlier this month for budgetary reasons. And most important of all (at least to Mike Fitzgerald), what about the dying urban forest!?

And the thing is, they'd all be justified. Especially with the less expensive option B (subcontracting out venue management to a 3rd party) sitting right there. All we have to do for that option is wait for the teams to be sold. We're still having a hard time fathoming why everybody's jumping at the opportunity to buy/save the Thunder. We said it earlier this week, they're not going fucking anywhere. Everybody needs to slow their fucking roll and realize we're talking about a 4-year old minor league hockey team (well, 4 years in Stockton at least) in a brand new arena, and not the fucking Moon Grizzlies (h/t KSK). Jesus, and I thought Kings fan's freaking out was overkill.

David Siders has the specifics of both proposed options up on his bad ass blog. It involves a lot of math and numbers and I was a journalism major so I'll let you figure it all out.

For those here for the KSK Nasty Fetish Tournament...

Hey guys, I'll save you some time and just explain the basic premise of this blog for all 3 of you who are curious. We usually focus on the shit that goes on in the city of Stockton, CA and any town within spitting distance (as well as swallowing distance). It's part-media watch part-local news analysis part-whatever the fuck we feel like. Most of it only really makes sense if you're from the area, but I think it's still an interesting read if you feel like getting a sense of what it's like living in a town that's claim to fame is being ground zero for the housing crisis (oh, and for being the home/personal playground for Chargers owner Alex Spanos). So if it sounds like something that interests you, feel free to look around. If not, I understand. I get bored writing about this shit sometimes myself.

So yeah, welcome to the site. Have fun freaking out some of my regular readers with your casual attitude towards stoma-fucking.

Fair warning: We're going really off topic today

Update: This has been pushed to tomorrow.

There's going to be a bit of a programming change today. Normally we'd just throw it at you because what's really normal around this place anyways? But something tells me I should probably warn you that we're going to be taking part in Kissing Suzy Kolber's Nasty Fetish Tournament (original concept explained here).

Too lazy to follow the link? Well, basically it's a tournament between the most disgusting sexual fetishes the internet has to offer.

The fetishes will be placed in your standard tournament bracket and pitted against each other for you to vote on to see which is truly the nastiest fetish (for example: Beastiality vs. Midgets or Fat Chicks vs. Feet). That part's important, you're voting for the fetish you think is the nastiest. We'll be hosting some of the matchups that were supposed to be on With Leather but for whatever reason that didn't happen, so we threw our names into the ring because, well frankly we're suprised as to how sheltered we were. Once you get past realizing there's something as disgusting as Vore out there (although, to be fair, I don't think anybody can beat Necro-Beastiality, which is exactly what it sounds like), it's really a very educational exercise. And if there's one thing we're here for, it's to educate...and make dick jokes.

So sometime soon we'll have the first matchup up on the site. I presume they're safe for work, but I guess that really depends on how closely your boss watches your web browsing. Don't worry though, it's not like we're posting 2girls1cup or anything. At least I'm pretty sure we're not, I'm trusting Punte that it's not. Which is a scary fucking thought now that I think about it.

So yeah, you've been warned. Complaints can be directed here.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Who wants to piss away some money and a hockey team?

I owe Bris Isaak $25. Let me explain.

Last week the Thunder were put up for sale. Casual fans freaked out because they thought there was a chance the Thunder could move. They're wrong. But of course being wrong never stopped a sports fan before, why start now?

We consider ourselves something resembling experts in these situations because, as Kings fans, we've had to deal with the prospect of our team leaving us like gypsies in the middle of the night for seemingly forever. Which brings me to my debt. When this news broke early last week, my Hebrew homie and I ran down the different possible scenarios that could play out and the resulting media coverage. Because if there's one thing you can count on with the Record, it's that they'll at least cover the minor league hockey team. One scenario was "How long do you think it'll be before some hack suggests the community buys the team Packers-style?" We even narrowed it down to either Bob Highfill or Fitzy. Bris gave it a week, I had more faith in them than that. Why? I'll never know.

Yes, a week to the fucking day since Mike Reinsdorf announced the team was up for sale, Mike Fitzgerald decided he was that hack and suggested that we, the increasingly poor people of Stockton, buy the team. We specifically use the word "hack" because of just how poorly written this column is. We usually don't assail Fitzy's writing ability because our problem is more with his opinions and subject matter, he's usually stylistically-sound. But this time he appears to have gotten an e-mail suggesting an idea that comes up every time any team ever is up for sale, and then did absolutely no research beyond calling Ren Nosky and asking "This is possible in theory, right?" It's a horribly flawed column. So much so that we're going to FJM it. We have a lot of work to do with this one so go refill your coffee real quick. Don't worry, I can wait.

Ready? Ok, good.

"In 2007, in England, 20,000 fans paid about $40 each to purchase a majority share of the Ebbsfleet United Football club, with an option to own the entire team outright," Sherman writes.

Oh, so if a British soccer team can do it, we can. The level of passion Brits have for soccer is exactly the same level Stockton has for hockey. When you're citing soccer as an example, you know you're in for a bumpy ride.

Sherman goes on with this intriguing idea: "Here is the neat part, I think: Each transaction a team makes, all of the owners get to vote on. Coach stinks? Vote him out. Need a center? Vote to pick up a new one! The team has been very successful in England."

Intriguing? When did the definition of intriguing change to "giant clusterfuck"?

They don't micromanage the coach. But they could. Here's a sample Web ballot on fielding the week's team:

» "I want to give the coaches the responsibility of picking the team."

» "I want to pick the team and allow the coaches flexibility."

» "I want to pick the team but not allow the coaches flexibility."

» "I abstain."

They don't micromanage the coach, but here's a ballot where they're micromanaging the coach. Makes total fucking sense. The only result of that could be chaos.

This may sound like a recipe for chaos. It's not. Ebbsfleet won a major trophy last year; it's debt-free; and its Web presence brought in owner-fans from 122 countries.

So wait, polling 20,000 people about lineups and playing time wouldn't result in chaos because they won "a major trophy"? Not the title, just a fucking trophy? What is this? Little league? Have you listened to talk radio lately Fitz? Those are the sports fans you want to give the reins of the team to. The only result is chaos. The second the Thunder have a bad loss, someone will call for the coach's head, we'll have a vote, and because we're owned by a bunch of uninformed fucktards (the very next sentence after the quoted passage notes that some of Ebbsfleet's owners don't even know soccer and just own a share for novelty's sake), the coach could be fired for shit probably wasn't even responsible for. Not to mention who the fuck would want to play for a team where your playing time is dependant on the drunk asshole who yelled at you for fucking up his fantasy hockey league when your knee blew out last season when you were in the pros? (Full disclousre: I may have played the part of "drunk asshole" in this scenario before)

Of course, right now I'm ignoring the fact that this model for team ownership is contradicted in a quote further down in the same story! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's move on.

Offhand, I can think of several good reasons for Thunder fans to buy the team:

Translation: "Here's some unresearched justification for my stupid idea." This should be fucking gold.

We'd be Gods.


Was this written by Fitzy or a bunch of frat dudes headed to Spring Break with a pound of mary jane, a 6-foot beer bong, and 6 kegs of Icehouse in the trunk? ("We're gonna be fucking Gods man!")

Let me get this straight. Owning a minor league hockey team makes us Gods? It's that easy? What does that make the recently deceased Bill Davidson? He owned the Detroit Pistons, the Tampa Bay Lightening, and the Detroit Shock. Three professional teams (well, as professional as the WNBA can be). Does that make him like Ghanddahommed Christ (a combination of Ghandi, Budda, Muhommed, and Jesus)? Although team ownership equaling Godliness would explain how Al Davis has stayed alive for so long.

We could invite Alex Spanos to our sky box, with the bowing and scraping waitress serving cocktails and munchies.

Ummm, ok? Am I missing some sort of inside joke here? Is this some sort of backwards way to try and score some cheap Chargers tickets? An attempt to sell the naming rights to the Arena to him because if there's anybody who'll put his name on anything and everything it's Alex Spanos? And who still fantasizes about bowing and scraping waitresses? They're people too. The only people who make wait staff do that shit are dicks. And munchies? Are we schmoozing Spanos or getting him stoned? I could get behind that idea.

Nobody could move the Thunder.

Even though the only people talking about a move are misinformed fans. Oh and technically we could move the Thunder. Or, you know, if someone from out of town bought enough shares of the team from various fan-owners to gain a majority of the voting shares and voted to move the team to their city. If you think a Stocktonian hard up for cash wouldn't sell their stake to the first decent bidder then you're a dumbass.

Another point in favor of this deal - though I feel guilty saying this - involves the sweet deal the city gave the Thunder.

Quick note: this is coming from the same guy who said this a week ago.

And prepare yourselves, because this is the part where the wheels really come off the bus.

But if we owned the team, this politically and financially intolerable situation would go from "problemo" to "no problemo." We'd benefit from the sweet deal.

This is ignoring the fact that owners don't pocket the money from that deal, it goes directly back into the team. So, you know, the situation actually stays the same. The city will still be struggling to make ends meet. The benefit is spending less out of pocket on operating costs. Which is another flaw we'll get to in a second. First, let's allow Fitzy to explain his backwards logic.

The pressure would be off the politicians to worm out of the contract; the people's faith in City Hall would be restored; local democracy would be refreshed.

So if I'm reading this correctly, our faith in local government would be restored because we banded together and solved one of their contract problems for them. How exactly does that restore our faith in City Hall? He never says, it just does. Was he drunk when he wrote this? He's using drunk guy logic.

There's no legal obstacle, City Attorney Ren Nosky opined.

Nosky then proceeds to list 2 legal obstacles off the top of his head.

"As long as the new owners met the financial criteria" - that means as long as we pay the rent - "and showed a base knowledge of running a sports franchise - and I assume the people would retain somebody with that knowledge - there wouldn't be any impediment," Nosky said.

So we should all be able to vote online on things like lineup changes, but also would need someone to make those decisions for us. So we'd need money (again, something not many Stocktonians have lying around), and a puppet who would assure the ECHL that somebody competent was running the franchise, but would bend to every whim of Joe Sportsfan voter. Makes total sense.

But hey, about that money thing...

Reinsdorf has declined to state the price. Let's play with some math. If the team sells for $5 million - and I have no idea if that's anywhere near the right cost - and if 50,000 people chip in, that would be $100 a piece.

50,000 people, in a warm weather city, paying $100, for hockey. But no, really, this is totally workable. Because the cost of running a sports franchise doesn't fluctuate at all.

Look, the major problem with this entire situation is the same problem owners of teams across the country are dealing with. Revenue streams will eventually go down. Eventually everybody who wants a t-shirt will own a t-shirt. The honeymoon will wear off and the team will post a horrendous record out of the gate and ticket sales will plummet. That sweetheart deal with the city will eventually expire. Then what? That's why millionaires own teams. When the shit starts coming in, they can make it through the storm because they have the spare cash to throw into the team when the team isn't generating that revenue by itself. What happens if that happens to us?

Well, we have two choices, tax the city or sell off our shares at a probable lower price and watch the team move away. That's the most retarded thing about Fitzy's column, the result would actually put us in more danger of losing the team in the future. Sports franchises are rarely good business decisions. Nobody makes money through sports, they do it because they love it. You can only make a profit off a team if you're a nationally recognized brand like the Packers, Yankees, or Celtics. Plus, out of the top 5 sports (Football, baseball, basketball, Nascar, and hockey), hockey is the 5th most popular. Especially without a parking structure to generate revenue, I kind of doubt that merchandising is going to result in enough cash to cover whatever budgetary gap we'd eventually face.

Investing in a minor league hockey team is a guaranteed way to throw away money. While it looks like a good idea in the short term it would only harm the team and actually do no amount of good for the city and could/probably would result in higher taxes. In short, horrible idea, presented by a horrible columnist. And I'll leave you with one more quote that kind of sums up this whole column.

We need detail people.

No shit Sherlock.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Come on man, everyone's doing it

Step aside bank robbing, volunteering is the new trend! Who knew Ann Johnston was psychic?

Quick Links for St. Patrick's Day with a bonus Top 5!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Quick Links time.

Because if there's one thing we need on TV, it's more reality shows

Hey, you know what we need? A really boring sports-related reality show. Out of the 3 major sports, which is the lowest rated? Basketball? Ok, that's not boring enough. What if we made it women's basketball? The WNBA's ratings have steadily declined every year it's been in existence. That's a perfect boring reality show! But wait, that Candace Parker might actually be the Jordan with (c-cup) tits that the WNBA has needed for years. We can't take the chance that this show could be good. What about women's college basketball? Wait, their skill level is too high. Somebody might actually be entertained. What's a level of competition that noone outside scouts and parents care about? I got it! High school women's basketball! And better yet, we'll make it a sheltered private school so the smallest percentage of Americans can identify with these girls!

Yeah, if you couldn't tell, we think this is the worstest idea ever presented of all time...ever! It's so bad that, even before he'd read it, I asked Bris for his worst idea for a reality show and his response was "Knight School" but for women's basketball. Which is sadly way too close to reality. While we understand this series is probably destined for Lifetime, if anywhere, and is in no way anywhere near our demographic (which is funny since we're basketball die hards), I still decided to get the brain trust together for a mini top 5.

Top 5 things we'd rather watch than Nationally Ranked

El Duke: I'd rather watch a full season of America's Next Top Granny Porn Star than this shit.

Bris Isaak: I'd rather watch Lori Gilbert go down on her life partner.

Slick: I'd rather watch a locally-based version of The Hills, presumably called "The Foothills".

El Duke: I'd rather watch a remake of The Godfather staring Dane Cook as Don Corleone.

Slick: I'd rather sit through an entire Jonas Brothers concert.

Although, to be fair, Bris noted he is interested in seeing how St. Mary's coach Tom Gonsalves justifies implementing a full court press when his team is up by double digits.

Talk about last second...

Buried beneath the second page of Don Blount's review of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" (isn't relationship humor hilarious? And yes, this is the return of shit Don Blount saw), is actual news. Thanks Record redesign! KRS-One is coming to Stockton....tomorrow. Yes, in a turnaround that would make E-40 jealous, the show was just announced today and takes place at 9 p.m. tomorrow. This is kind of a big deal considering The Blastmaster is one of hip hop legends and he changed the face of battle rapping as we know it. Not to mention he's one of the few socially conscious rappers left. What? Did you forget that rap can have a message? Either way, this show is going to kick ass.

Going back to the well

Lori Gilbert took a break from writing about her favorite subject to write about the state journalism last week, this week she's back inside her wheelhouse. Although this time her subject is slightly younger than her average subjects, she's only 50. Unfortunately that subject is a fucking doll. Lori reveals her painfully lonely childhood (and considering she kept them and felt the need to bring them to the newsroom, adulthood as well) of playing with dolls. It's typical boring Lori Gilbert bullshit. And I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Ok, that's it for today. I can't believe I haven't had a drink yet today. Fucking work.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Quick Links for March 16th

Note to self: always save periodically. I fucking hate this computer sometimes. Here's Quick Links take 2.

I wonder if they paid by check

Sad news out of Stockton today, Jim Rachels is no longer the primary owner of the Stockton Thunder. He announced the sale of controlling interest of the team to a group based out of Livermore. Unlike with the pending sales of the Thunder and Lightening, there is a chance that the Cougars could move. And very much like those same teams, noone cares. How little to people care? The Cougars won the title of whatever league they're in now and the story didn't even hit the Record's website until, if I'm reading the timestamp correctly, about 20 mins ago.

Rachels earned a place in our hearts as our favorite local team owner after alienating his target fan base a few years back. So we're kind of sad to see him go. Maybe he can come back with an NBADL team and talk about how he wants to make sure the Arena starts serving watermelon and grape drink.

St. Patrick is rolling in his grave

This year's downtown St. Patrick's Day festival fucking blew. It was realllllly disappointing, and not just because we missed an opportunity to drink Christian Burkin under the table. For one, beers in the fenced off outdoor portion of the festivities were fucking $5. That was after you paid $5 just for the privilege to drink in their little fenced off area with a band nearby. And on top of that you still had to pay for the corned beef sandwich. In other words, they took a relatively inexpensive event and turned it into a blatant cash grab. So instead of allowing everybody to watch our wallets get raped in full view of the public in Janet Leigh Plaza, we hoofed it to Bradley's which had no cover, cheaper beer, and a similarly priced corned beef sandwich. So yeah, El Duke apologizes for suggesting Beach Hut over Bradley's. Bradley's was the obvious way to go. Way to fuck up a decent event Downtown Alliance.

All dog's balls go to heaven

I really have nothing to add to this, I just really wanted to use this headline.

Well, it's official. The Harry Potter trend is dead

Sure, the final book was released a while ago, but if there's ever a sign of a trend-apocalypse it's when old white people think something's cool. This is doubly true when it involves politicians. Unless of course that politician is Barry Obama. Then it adds another 5 years of relevancy. So just remember, when the government thinks something is cool, it's usually a sign that that thing is about to die a slow, painful death...oh fuck.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Shit to do for the weekend of 3/13-3/15

Welcome to a semi-extended St. Patrick's Day version of the shit to do post. Sorry there wasn't one last week, I was still recovering from that devastating punch I took from a midget. To make it up to you, I won't phone it in this week like I'd been doing the past couple weeks.

Sexy Friday the 13th

Didn't we just have one of these scary Sexy Fridays? Fucking February. Well, as the bad ass flyer above says, Mr. Plow (that's their name. Their name again, is Mr. Plow), The Atom Age, and 9:00 News are playing the Blackwater tonight at 8. That flyer's pretty dark for a bunch of dudes from Canadia. I didn't know America's hat had a darkside, you know, besides Quebec. $7

Also Tracy's Megan Slankard plays an apparently free show at the Janet Leigh Plaza downtown tonight at 7 as part of the Downtown Alliance's Evenings on the Plaza series. I've heard she's pretty good. Of course, slap a guitar on any hot chick and everybody's perception of "pretty good" gets distorted a bit. Free?

Saturday 3/14 (AKA Pi Day)

For non-math nerds this weekend means one thing, st. Patrick's Day pre-gaming. A lot of bars hedge their bets and celebrate our greatest holiday the Saturday before if the 17th happens to land on a weekday as it does this year. Of course people who dismiss St. Patty's day for something as trivial as work are pussies, but it also means extended drink specials so I'm not going to look a gifthorse in the mouth. For those who may be disappointed that they can't afford to down as many green beers and Irish car bombs as they would like in today's economy, I'd like to direct you towards our feature story on recession drinking for some helpful tips. Our guide to Thanksgiving Eve drinking also mostly applies here minus the high school reunion part. Unless, of course, you're drinking in Lodi. Which is like drinking in one, long, neverending high school reunion.

As far as where to drink, downtown's a good bet. Bradley's is doing their yearly party thing this weekend which means lots of green beer and disgustingly good Irish cuisine. Buy your beer at Beach Hut Deli though, I'm pretty sure it was cheaper their last year.

Keeping with the Irish motif, Finnegan's and their ridiculously awesome drink specials might be the best deal in town. $1 green beer, $4 pints of Guiness, fucking $3 Irish Car Bombs, amd $3 Black and Tans. Read that again. The artist formerly known as Flynn's is really stepping their game up. Plus, if I'm reading their MySpace correctly, those drink specials apply on both Saturday and Tuesday. Show up early to avoid a cover though.

And it wouldn't be a drinking holiday without the suggestion that you check out downtown Lodi. Stooges usually has the cheapest drinks regardless of the time of year and is in a nice central location in relation to Ollie's, Lodi Beer Co., Stogies, and Gary's Lounge making downtown Lodi the ideal place for bar hopping.

But if you must stay sober, you can check out the Blackwater at 8 and see Reggie Ginn, Gardening Not Archecture, John Vecchiarelli, and Chelsea Wolfe. $5

Sunday 3/15

Pop two asprin, downbottle of Pepto, turn on TV, fill out bracket accordingly.

Quick Links for March 13th

Oh hey, it's Sexy Friday. Fucking sweet. Let's knock out some Quick Links to help you get through the home stretch before the weekend. And apologies for this being so late, my internet connection took a shit.

This maverick renegade is so good that the arena will only be empty two-thirds of the time!

After spotting him the rest of 2008 as a lost cause, Fitzy checks in with IFG's Stockton rep Stephen Grossman (presumably not related to Sexy Rexy) today. The verdict? Jack shit. He wants 10 events/concerts in 2009. We're about a quarter of the way in, how many concerts/events have there been? What's that? Oh yeah, GIANT FUCKING GOOSE EGG. Good to see that strategy Grossman was talking about was to call promoters over and over again as if he were Mickey in Swingers. ("Oh hey, LiveNation? This is Stockton again. It's been 12 minutes and you haven't called back. Just wanted to make sure you got my message. Can we have Santana yet? Call me back!")

Oh and Fitzy, we hate to repeat ourselves but, the reason the public thinks redevelopment was wasted was because of the money that went to your pals at Paragary's and the money that went to the Sheraton. What was it we said yesterday? Something about subsidizing a playground for the wealthy in a town where the average resident is well, not wealthy. Again, that's where all the hostility from. We're not stupid, we know the Arena's not going to be a big money maker. It can't even sell off it's naming rights for fuck's sake. It's there so people will come downtown for sporting events the hopefully go see a movie. So when bitching about the Arena, it's foot traffic that's important. Not dollars and cents.

Our only anti-drug PSA

Regular readers are probably aware of our casual attitude towards most drugs. We say "most" because there's one drug that not even we will touch, and that drug is fucking meth. Lately, meth's been a factor in the Paradiso case, the Flag City shooting, and now that crazy dude who tried to run down the cops. And that's just off the top of my head. We're still trying to find the positive in doing meth. Weed mellows you out. Alcohol makes you love everybody (it's not uncommon for the phrase "I'd take a bullet for you man!" to be thrown around like a crowd surfing midget when the RTT crew goes on a bender). Hell, even shrooms and acid makes you see funky shit. What does meth do? Kills your teeth, keeps you awake for a week, and ages you 10 years in 10 minutes. And then you still gotta come down. The "Meth made me crazy" defense needs to be retired because you've got to be fucking crazy to try that shit in the first place. Shit like meth makes me miss the days when the a WTF murder was something like "Drunk guy hits guy in head with rock after he welches on a pool bet." (Have we mentioned how much we miss Jack's Back lately?)

If a team leaves and nobody notices, was it ever really there?

We're linking to this for 2 reasons. One, the opening lines are a laugh riot. The Thunder are not in any way, shape, or form a part of the essential fabric of this city. They haven't even been here for half a fucking decade yet. Worst case scenario if they leave? We have a bunch more available Arena dates open for IFG to ignore and an easy way to tell who all the rubes in the city are. They're the ones wearing Thunder gear. History doesn't happen overnight. We're not just going to magically wake up one day and bleed...err what are the Thunder's team colors again? I'm pretty sure one of them is pink.

See, in-fucking-difference. That's what would happen if the Thunder left. 300,000 people would shrug their shoulders and move on. Then we would point and laugh at the 6,000 people who actually thought going to minor league hockey meant they were a part of something.

And second, this editorial also clears up that whole "which contract are we talking about" debate from the other day. We were right, Fitzy was wrong. We'd be happier if that didn't happen on a regular basis.

Speaking of indifference...

This probably isn't good news for the Record. Of course Gawker was stupid and assumed newspaper editors/publishers use conventional wisdom. Judging from what we've seen here they don't know the meaning of either wisdom or conventional. But hey, they do see a lot of shit!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There's the elitist Mike Fitzgerald that we all know and love

Sometime last year (around election time to be specific) Fitzy recognized that his blatant fellating of downtown redevelopment had caused a rift between him and the average Stocktonian. Most Stocktonians are disenfranchised with the redevelopment that Fitz has been unabashedly supporting so he went about rehabbing his image. He positioned himself as a champion of the working man by calling out city employees for having paychecks larger than that of the average Stockton resident (ignoring the size of, say, his own paycheck) and for the sweetness of their retirement packages (not to mention his attack on the lifegiver). He even finally admitted that the previous councils who got us into this redeveloped mess were "reckless", 2 years after he compared those same councils favorably to a smash mouth football team. Of course he couldn't completely remove himself from downtown campaigning and tried to bring Paragary's along for the ride with hilarious results.

Well, after all that work we seem to have come full circle. Now the reason downtown redevelopment is lagging is because we're bitter, resentful dicks who can't possibly understand something as complicated as subsidies! If we only gave Paragary's a shot we'd realize that it's not that bad of a place (we did, and it is that bad of a place) and that the city had to let them stay there rent free after we took care of building renovations for them. Shit's too expensive downtown! But apparently not too expensive that we can't afford to give away land to a big hotel chain for $1.

Of course, Fitzy's also ignoring the real knock against Paragary's that has nothing to do with government subsidies. Their food tastes like shit. They could be paying the city $100,000 a day in rent and it wouldn't change the fact that you have to pay $10 for a burger that tastes like it was flame broiled in my taint.

And in the end, that's why redevelopment is stalled. It has little to do with the subsidy holdouts because, as Fitzy notes in the comments of his blog post, pretty much anywhere in Stockton has private businesses that benefited from government subsidies (he fails to deny that he basically called us all retards though). The reason downtown is such a "lightening rod for resentment" is because they subsidized the wrong businesses. They subsidized a stuffy restaurant with expensive, bland-tasting food. They sold land that apparently is so expensive it needs to be subsidized for a dollar and then still gave the Sheraton a subsidy on top of all that. The result? An expensive hotel that hosts parties for the city's rich movers and shakers. It has nothing to do with the subsidies and everything to do with what they went towards, a giant playground for the wealthy in a town where the average resident is decidedly not wealthy.

Quick Links for March 12th

Here are some Quick Links to mull over while you search for the working class, blue collar folk that can afford to live in Brookside. Because nothing says "hard working" like a series of gated communities.

Good try, but slightly misguided

The endless Lodi-WalMart feud continues. This time, it's yet another marathon meeting were Wal-Mart's opponents cited the economy as a reason CCR's favorite town doesn't need a Supercenter. We understand their argument, and in theory it works. Local businesses are struggling like a motherfucker right now and opening up a Supercenter could be the final straw for a lot of businesses that are just barely holding on. Which works right up until you consider these 2 things.

For one, Lodi already has a fucking Wal-Mart. All the Supercenter would do is close down the existing Wal-Mart and open up a new one that has a grocery store in it. And considering the shopping center that the current Wal-Mart is in already has a discount supermarket in Food 4 Less in it, I can't imagine the Super Wal-Mart affecting businesses any more negatively than the current one already has. The only businesses that can really, truly claim that a Super Wal-Mart would hurt their business is the one's that would have to share a shopping center with the disheveled corpse of the old Wal-Mart.

The other thing with the economy argument, is that by the time they finish building the Super Wal-Mart there's a good chance the economy will already be on the rebound. I'm not saying it'll be totally recovered. Hell, it might not even be rebounding by then, that was a total guess. But there's a halfway decent chance that during the construction of a massive shopping center and the lengthy hiring process (Wal-Mart lays off all the employees of old Wal-Mart's and makes them reapply for their jobs when replacing stores with Supersized versions) the economy will have enough time to get back on it's feet. And that's also ignoring the fact that the construction of a new shopping center means a bunch of sorely needed construction jobs are available, not to mention the new jobs created by Wal-Mart turning over it's entire Lodi workforce.

So while citing the economy seems like a good idea on the surface, it's really just another desperate attempt to stall this already ridiculously lengthy situation.

Volunteers of for America

We were skeptical of Ann Johnston's plea for volunteers, mostly because VISTAS is a really lame name. Also because we really wanted a big announcement. Ed Chavez spoiled us. She couldn't even lure a Texas Roadhouse over here or something? I demand a restaurant where I can pick out my uncooked steak before it hits the grill dammit!

But if this is the kind of volunteerism she was talking about, it's something we can get behind. Canceling the fireworks during the 4th of July is like canceling the nudity from a strip club, or canceling the green dye during St. Patrick's Day. It's just not the same. Plus, this is Stockton, if you cancel a city-sponsored fireworks show people are going to take it upon themselves to "volunteer" and unsafely shoot off bottle rockets and roman candles in their backyards. How much money do you really save when the fire department is scurrying all over town trying to put out misguided attempts at patriotism?

On a side note: all I need to close down my street is a red vest?

Bank robbing is all the rage right now

Bris touched on this earlier, but Christian Burkin pointed out something that we didn't notice before. Two robberies in a row is totally enough for a trend piece on bank robbing! (Side note: Did the ukelele ever really leave?) All we need now is some interviews with people who've experienced a bank robbery in the past, a quote from an "expert" saying that robberies are on the rise in today's economy, and a quote from Pete Smith denying that there's a significant change in reported bank robberies and bickety bam we gots a trend piece that would make LENS editor Robin Nichols happy she doesn't have to read some bullshit feature about an 80 and over synchronized swimming team.

Although CB did miss the obvious trend piece sweeping the nation, pilots everywhere are doing their best Sully impression! Man, if I wasn't so drunk I probably would have been a lot more worried on our flight back from Vegas. What the fuck's going on with airplanes these days? See, trend piece!


If it works once, try it again.  Twice? Why stop now, you know it works, so lets see if these guys go for the three-peat.  

I find this gold because these guys ripped this bank twice in the same parking lot as the popular underpaid civil servant/PD favorite hangout Da Vinci's.  

Folks, this is the kind of forward thinking that gets Stockton its title back.  You would expect that a bank, after being ripped off, would heighten security.  Normal people think like that.  But I'm assuming the fact that this happened again, the Bank Manager probably said to himself, "You know, these guys are not dumb enough to hit this place twice in a row.  We're in the safest place in Stockton."  Wrong.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Well, two days, two robberies, same bank, same getaway.  

Im really hoping these guys have rocks the size of small asteroids and make it a three-peat.