Quick Links for Nov. 18th

Before we get to the Quick Links, I'd like to extend a hearty "fuck you" to our ISP. You let me do all the link mining for this post, and then promptly shit the bed as I headed over to blogspot to finish up. It's just barely up now and I'm posting this incomplete Quick Links just to get something up in case the network goes down again. How dare you deny the readers another joke at Delta's expense? I'm wrapping this rant up now out of fear the network will go down again. Enjoy the Quick Links.

So the Waterfront is now the Lexington Plaza Waterfront Hotel Feed and Fuel (or something like that), thus giving David Siders another chance to recap the hilarious Sheraton saga. The highlight of course being that someone thought that somebody with $700,000 to throw around was going to voluntarily live in downtown Stockton. Man, that one makes us laugh every damn time.

We booed this before, but we'll throw it out there again. We're all for safety, but the only people hurt by not wearing a seatbelt are the people not wearing seatbelts. How many people does that make? According to state Director of Traffic Safety Chris Murphy, seatlbelt usage surpasses 95%. Which means this is really all just bullshit because it's not like that number's ever going to be 100%. Hooray for excuses to racially profile under the guise of a seatbelt check!

The crazy cat ladies of Lodi called a meeting Monday to let people know they're not crazy. How did they do so? By refuting claims levied at them from former commission members and animal shelter folk. And by remaining civil for an entire meeting! Oh man, we had it all wrong. These people are tooootally sane. Especially when they spout off lines like "(The Monday meeting) will clear a lot up" when the Monday meeting cleared up pretty much nothing. Of course Commissioner Gina Mendes (presumably) said that while visibly trembling because the other commissioners forced her to leave her cat ear headband and costume tail at home this week. They did allow her to keep the face paint whiskers though.

Soft News Mondays not nearly as fun as Sexy Fridays, Quick Links for Nov. 17th

Ok, we're back on track this week I think. Slow news weeks suck, don't they. How is the Record combatting this post-election news wasteland? By God, it's a soft-newsapalooza!!

Addiction programs are unable to pay their licensing fees! They're struggling! But they're also managing!

Guess what? Charities are also struggling! Less people can afford to donate and more people need their services. Prepare to read this story 50 more times before the end of the year.

If charities are struggling, that must also mean that communities are struggling! Old people die and have strokes and now noone can make pies for fundraising! How will West Point survive without their bake sale stars?

And if communities are strugling, kids are struggling! With what? Math! 4-year old preschoolers are being taught math in Valley Springs, cutting into nap times all across the foothills!

Not only that, elementary school children in Lincoln Unified are struggling with how to pronounce their newest trustee's name! Even with the explanation is the article, I still can't figure out how to pronounce it. I'm not even sure it matters because there's absolutely no news in that story. Yay soft journalism!

And finally, newspapers are struggling! Nobody wants to hear their post-election stories. And for some reason Mike Klocke seems surprised. Even after telling us statistics show they readers don't want post-election news, he proceeds to give us post-election stats.

They're also struggling to stay under budget! In that same column Klocke announces the closure of the Record's Lodi branch. The writers are still staying on, home base for them has just moved to Market St. instead of downtown Lodi. We also find out they trade local sports stories with the News-Sentinel. They can't even do original reporting on local sports. Plus, this kind of eliminates the whole concentrating on local teams instead of the localish pro teams excuse doesn't it?

Shit to do for the weekend of 11/14

Sexy Friday 11/14

Hey Manna!, French Cassettes, Lanterns, and Weatherbox are playing the Blackwater at 8 tonight. This is easily the best show of the weekend. That is not a subjective statement. $6

Saturday 11/15

If you thought we weren't going to be watching the biggest fight in MMA history, you'd be wrong. Granted, the biggest fight in MMA history has happened like 8 times in recent years (or in the case of ShamrockPetruzelli/Slice wasn't big in the way they intended it to be), but the Lesnar/Couture fight has to be the biggest. At least until Couture fights Fedor. Elbow Room, Free!

Sunday 11/16

On Sunday the Niners face the Rams and the Raiders face the Dolphins making this Sunday the least watchable sports weekend since the WNBA season ended. I'm also including the Kings/Spurs game because the Spurs are never watchable (refering to style of play, not quality) and the Kings have only been half-watchable this season.

Probably no "Week in Review" post this week since we barely did anything. Sorry again for the suckage this week. And for the suckage of this post.

Tiny explanation

Sorry for the complete lack of decent posts this week. Just know that evaluation week sucks when you spend most of your spare time at work reading/writing for blogs.

The shit to do post with be coming shortly, promise. (Spoiler Alert! Go see Hey Manna at the Blackwater tonight.)

Quick Links for Nov. 13th

The forgetful terrorist is back! (Note: We have no real reason to believe all the explosives being left around are by the same person.) Actually police just found a grenade casing and gun parts in a burning bag behind a Lathrop supermarket, but it does bring us two bits of good news.

A. He's moved further south to Lathrop so Stockton has nothing to fear anymore.

And B. He's apparently run out of explosives so he's just throwing in menacing looking parts.

Whatever happened to the good ol' shit in a burning bag joke? Gun parts and empty grenades are wayyyy easier to wipe off your shoes than some old fashioned dog shit. At least throw some copies of Fitzy's latest columns.

While we're on the subject of weapons that look more dangerous than they actually are, police released a picture of the "replica" gun (via the Record's Crime Blog) used by the stupid kid who was shot by police. Christian Burkin correctly identified it as a pellet gun. The commentors on his blog post think he's being a bit nit picky, and he is but not for the reasons they state. He's not questioning whether or not the officer should have fired upon the kid, he's questioning the SPD's wording. You don't misidentify a weapon to a former military man. That's like asking an MLB fan why they don't use aluminum bats. Or trying to convey an actual non-cynical opinion to a hipster. It's just annoying.

Oh shit! Quick! Marta, Jose, Pepe! Hide! Lupe, whip out those titties and attach them to the milker so they think you're a cow! And where's that 6-year old Panamanian boy that just came in this morning? Of all the fucking days the inspectors come on shower day. Shut off the hose Rodrigo! We'll finish later!

So Delta's teaching kids how to read the want ads now? I know the classes there are easy and all, but really? I was lucky enough to grow up with both parents in my life, but I don't credit them with sitting me down and deciphering such cryptic messages as "Dishwasher needed, BJ's Resturant, flexible hours". Filling out a job application? Quick, mommy help! Why are they asking for my last name first? I understand these are important life skills to know, but it's not like my daddy sat me down and explained how to balance a checkbook to me. It's fucking math. I had $800. I spent $50. How much money do I have now? Fuck, if only Pops were here to help me. Linking college to future income? Man, I wish I had a dad to do that for me, since they don't start hammering the degree/non-degree income thing into your head until the 8th grade!

Also, they couldn't have picked a more stereotypical student to feature. Oh man, he has the same Hendrix poster 80% of college students have, he plays guitar, and he's a music major! He's overcome so much adversity in his life to become just like every other douchebag toiling away at Delta until their late-20s. Plus, music degree? What? Was journalism full? What other degrees that become useless and outdated the second you graduate are there? I hear the pottery major has an open spot.

In painfully obvious news, who the hell thought appointing a bunch of cat ladies to the Animal Advisory Council was a good idea. The only way that could end is with somebody trying to abuse power that they don't technically have. And guess what? That's exactly what happened. Unless the AAC is going to pony up the money for a second animal shelter, then animals are going to get euthanized. Obviously the city of Lodi created the council to try an placate these people, but they forgot one thing. Cat ladies are fucking crazy. They're lonely and they treat their cats like the kids that either left as soon as they got emancipated from crazyville or were never able to have because God blessed us by punishing their wombs. Either way, the solution is simple. Pair these old biddies up with the foster kids from the previous link. Or bribe them with Winnie the Pooh crap.

And finally, while we're still in obviousland, clean air apparently has health benefits. In other news, drinking can impair your judgement, the sun will rise tomorrow morning, the Raiders suck, and we also hear the sky is blue.

Quick Links for Nov. 12th

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Busy week at that pesky actual job-type thing. Hopefully things will pick up around here as the week progresses. No promises though. But let's knock out some quick links while we got some free time.

I know we just spent the last couple months (unsuccessfully) stumping against segregation, but this plan to desgregate prisons has "bad idea" written all over it. Of course this is coming from a guy who's extent of prison experience is watching "American History X" and "Shawshank". But not "Oz". Good lord not "Oz".

Speaking of prisons, Fitzy's column about the prison medical facility that will eventually be built nearby was a fucking chore to get through. The things we do for you guys. Just don't read it. It's fucking boring and he never comes to a viable conclusion. You know what his conclusion is? We're fucked. That's what it is. We're getting that prison hospital or whatever it is whether we like it or not. Which is something we knew before we wasted 5 minutes our lives reading his dogshit column. This guy's won awards? Really?

In future news, can a campus made of mostly portable buildings be foreclosed on? Probably. So consider this us calling our shot.

Quick! Who wants to help us put together a holiday float for Tracy's tree lighting parade? We're thinking of doing a float dedicated to our favorite holiday movies, Die Hard 1 and 2. Who wants to be Fred Thompson?

This kid has to be the most retarded kid ever. Who the fuck points a fake gun at the fucking SWAT team? When they show up, that's when you set the gun down and say "just kidding guys" and hope they won't pretend to not hear your cries for help as you get gangraped in your holding cell. But I guess pretending like you've got big balls while holding a cheap plastic gun works too.

Quick Links for the post-election news wasteland that is Nov. 10th

So after all that talk about needed to find a qualified big city replacment, the backpedaling has already begun. Our new police chief may be promoted from within. Because that's worked so well in the past. They should still at least give Robocop an interview. Also, thanks for letting us know we're not an attractive city. We already knew that, but saying we're less attractive than Tracy? That's just mean and uncalled for.

Speaking of mean and uncalled for, are you fucking kidding us San Joaquin County Superior Court? You really can't make one little concession for a little basic religious freedom? This is really the first time something like this has come up? If Hulk Hogan can get away with wearing his trademark bandana at his son's trial (which did happen btw) then this guy should be able to wear his turban. We've heard of prisoners hanging themselves with their underwear, does that mean prisoners have to freeball it?

I tried to read Fitzy's column yesterday and it literally put me to sleep. Oh man! A pivotal part of WWII miiiiiight have been affected by something local. Fuck, I almost fell asleep just typing that. In a related note, anybody know what gets newspaper ink off the side of your face?

We're linking to this just out of principle. And no, it was not El Duke in an angry drunken rage. Deja Vu is a happy place.

And finally, boooooooo!

Week in Review for Nov. 3rd-Nov. 7th

Fitzy wrote that we shouldn't abandondivert funds away from downtown, we disagreed. Then he did as well.

We heard for mayor-elect Ann Johnston on Election Day. Then got her former opponent's response the following day.

We provided more original Raider analysis in one paragraph than the Record did all week.

And everybody's favorite feature made it's triumphant return! (and only a month or two after promised!)

See you next week.

Shit to do for the weekend of 11/7

Sexy Friday 11/7

Dun Bin Had, Rule 22, Banda Nonsense, and 9:00 News play the Blackwater tonight at 8. If 9:00 News doesn't play at 9 I'm going to be very disappointed. If ever a band had a built in hook, that would be it. $8

The Highway 61 Blues Band plays the Matinee tonight at 9. I've actually seen these guys in action and their a fairly decent blues band. They're popular with the older crowd though, so if you plan on going there be prepared for the place to be filled with a bunch of "way too old to be at the bar this late" guys eyeing women like they were still in their mid-twenties. $10

Saturday 11/8

We don't really include many Modesto shows in these posts, but it's not every weekend that pioneers in both rap and vulgarity come by. Saturday night at the Fat Cat, most of 2 Live Crew (sans Luke) will dazzle the crowd lyrically at 9:30. Opening for them will be local DJs Suga Shane, Bobby Sanchez, and Liquid. Let's see if 2LC can mirror the comeback success of fellow 80s band AC/DC. Something tells me they can't, but it should be a fun show anyways.

Sunday 11/9

So there's good news and bad news for Raider fans this weekend. The good news is that they can't possibly play any worse, and there's rumors floating around that there's somebody out there crazy enough to want to coach them (Stanford's Jim Harbaugh). The bad news? They're playing the 6-2 Panther who come in to Oakland fresh off their bye week. If they gain a single yard in the first half, it has to be considered a moral victory for the silver and black.

Speaking of teams fresh off their bye week, the Niners play the Cardinals on...whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. Does that say Monday Night Football? The Monday Night Football? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Monday 11/10

For some unknown reason MNF features a week 10 battle between two NFC West teams. Shaun Hill gets the start against the Buzzsaw as everybody now realizes that NFL Europe MVP and "less than mediocre NFL player" are the exact same thing.

The return of Bars We're Down With!

After months of delays, everybody's favorite feature returns. That's right....

Bars! We're! Down! With!

I wrestled with the decision of which bar to induct next for a long time. After months of deep personal inflection, we all finally decided on inducting another recently deceased bar. Next one will be a bar you can actually go to, promise. In the meantime, feel free to patronize the original BWDW, Fat's Grill and Bar. They've added 6 HDTVs since we inducted them and even revived their Happy Hour.

But I'm not here to talk about Fat's. I'm here to talk about a place that came and went within the past year. After a controversial opening this bar overcame stereotypes to actually become a decent drinking establishment. Technically it's still open, but has been rebranded as a country-western bar. Which means I'll probably never set foot in it again. I'm, of course, referring to:

On The Beach

On the Beach was a personal favorite because it incorporated something I've been telling other bar owner friends of mine they should be doing for a long time, girls dancing in bikinis. It's opening in Lockeford was fairly controversial as live entertainment requires a special permit, and the county was apprehensive to give it to them. I'd always wondered why, right up until the first time I went there.

When I heard the words "bikini bar" I naturally assumed it was going to be something along the lines of scantily clad women serving you drinks and mini-burgers. You know, like Hooters or Maxim's (Tracy Maxim's, not old Mallard's Maxim's). And it was kind of like that. Only if those establishments also had a stage, stripper pole, and VIP room. That's right, One the Beach was SJ County's second strip club. And I couldn't have been happier.

Don't get me wrong, Deja Vu's is nice and all. It's just that they're the only game in town. Which sometimes led to them not trying that hard. With some competition in town, perhaps it would light a fire under their asses and force Deja Vu raise the quality bar (and it may have, Deja Vu remodeled their VIP room during the time On the Beach was open).

And On the Beach brought it too. Cover charge? While Deja Vu's charges $10, On the Beach let you in for the low, low price of showing them your ID. And in what had to be the smartest move ever, drinking there didn't cost you an arm and a leg. I'm not sure of the exact price of a Coors Light at Deja Vu's (I think it's around $6), On the Beach gave you Rocky Mountain refreshment for $3. Just like most other area bars, except your server not only expected you to be staring at her tits, he job probably depended on it.

One of the bigger knocks against On the Beach was it's location. People heard "Lockeford strip club" and immediatly cringed. They assumed the dancers would be made up of the populous of Lockeford, which any regular strip club visitor like myself can tell you is never the case. Strippers don't dance at the strip club closest to where they live because nothing's more awesomely awkward than getting about 10 minutes into a lap dance and then realizing you went to middle school with the gyrating body on your lap. The last thing you want to hear after tipping extra to relax the "no touching" rule is "Say hi to your sister for me".

So On the Beach wasn't filled with a bunch of Lockeford's finest, it was filled with women from all over Northern California. Including some girls I recognized from Deja Vu's. (And including one girl who spoke with an accent and claimed to be both French and Canadian, but not French-Canadian. I would have asked why, but my question was muffled by her massive cans.)

In the end, On the Beach failed. If I had to guess, the main contribution to it's downfall was probably the fact that it was in Lockeford. Nobody was really keen on making the 15 minute drive out to a place that was cryptically called a bikini bar instead of a gentleman's club. I'm sure the county didn't help either. For a place that overwhemingly approved heterosexual only marriage, they for some reason thought that a guy wanting some titties rubbed in his face wasn't a good thing either. This county needs to make up it's fucking mind.

In the meantime, at least we still got the old Richard's Place.