Tuesday, November 4, 2008

And now a (fake) Election Day message from one of Stockton's Mayoral candidates

(DISCLAIMER: Even though it should be obvious to anybody with a brain, the following is NOT the actual words of Mayoral candidate Ann Johnston. It's satire. Got that? SAT-I-RE. A fucking joke. So please don't get your panties in a wad. Also, that last accusation obviously isn't true. So, hope you have a sense of humor Clem.)

Hi, this is Ann Johnston, democratic candidate for Mayor of Stockton. And I have a messgae for all the good people of this fine city. My opponent, Clem Lee, is going to run a negative campaign. He's said it himself, and it's going to start any day now. Possibly tomorrow. Negative campaigning is the worst, most tasteless action a candidate can take. I can't believe he would stoop so low. I assure you I would never dream of doing such a thing.

I'd also like to remind you that he's the one who messed up our budget. Not the economy, not the destruction of the housing market. CLEM LEE is solely responsible for the budget crisis. He's also going to run a negative campiagn. And we really don't need negativity in a time like this.

Hey, remember downtown? I helped revitalize it during my tenure on Stockton's City Council, but the Clem Lee fucked it all up. That's right, Clem Lee is responsible for downtown failing to attract pretty much anybody. All those subsidies? Classic Clem. He also personally booked Neil Diamond. They "do lunch" every other Sunday. Swear. Those $10 burgers at Paragary's? His idea. It's all Clem's fault. I also here he's very close to running a negative campaign. One that will grow increasingly negative as we move closer to the election.

I also heard he once fucked a goat. Not just any goat, a goat from Stockton. He took one of our city's goats across county lines and anally violated it in Tuolumne County. Their beastiality laws aren't as stringent apparently. He's also going to run a negative campaign. And I would never dream of doing such a thing.

So remember people of Stockton, when you go to vote, remember to vote for the person who would never ever use negative campaigning tactics. Tactics which, if you haven't been paying attention, Clem Lee has said he will eventually employ. That's right, Clem Lee eventual negative campaigner....and alleged goat fucker.

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