Monday, March 23, 2009

I'd hate agreeing with Fitzy if he wasn't so right (this time)...and wasn't the only columnist giving us something to agree with

One of the many problems we have with the Record is the fact that their columnists suck. All of them. Fitzy writes too much about his pet projects like downtown and our "dying urban forest". Lori Gilbert writes too much about old people. Bob Highfill can't stick to one subject. Don Blount appears to be writing a stream of consciousness column, only that consciousness isn't worth writing about. And Mike Klocke usually reserves his weekly Sunday space to announce cutbacks and layoffs. Regular readers probably already know this, but this weekend provided a clear example of why they suck. They're all pussies who can't seem to actually state an opinion.

Just look at Mike Klocke's column from yesterday. All it pretty much states is that the City Council has a full plate and that their job isn't/won't be easy. Really? I thought navigating the city through a financial/housing market collapse we're largely considered the epicenter for would be a fucking cakewalk. Or negotiating with the local PD, they wouldn't cut the last council any slack and that mayor was an ex-police chief. I thought throwing a bunch of newbs at them would totally make the process go smoother. I would say this column was 100% uninformative, but it did bring to light the hilarious revelation that lesbian City Council member Susan Eggman chose to dress up, of all Harry Potter characters, notorious gay wizard Dumbledore at the Triva Bee/dress up thingy they had a few weeks ago. Although I could be wrong, maybe another character was the gay one. I don't read kids books.

Of course, if you want 100% uninformative, then Don Blount has got you covered. In this week's Shit Don Blount Saw, Don checks out those antiques he blogged about last week. Yes, Don Blount shit out an entire column about roaming what amounts to a higher end flea market. Yeah, it's riveting stuff. Did Don buy the typewriters? (Spoiler: No) Will the antiques come back next month? (Spoiler: Yes) Will anybody show up? (Spoiler: Judging by the pictures, no) Is any of this newsworthy? (Is Don's column ever newsworthy?) And most importantly, will Don buy the typewriters next time!? (Spoiler: Who the fuck cares?) Yes, as usual, Blount's column was a poorly written "Day in the Life" piece. This time about old things and replicas of old things. Lori Gilbert is insanely jealous. My favorite part of this column was the end where people are surprised the city hasn't fucked this event up yet. God I love Stockton. Except for when they fuck up so badly they make me do shit like this.

Mike Fitzgerald's column yesterday was the only column with some fucking balls. The city fucked up the downtown St. Patrick's Day party so much that Fitz actually stated a correct opinion regarding downtown's mismanagement. I'd be surprised, but it was about St. Patrick's Day and his last name is Fitzgerald. He kind of had to get it right lest his family disown him. I'm not entirely sure why he waited a week to blast the event, but at least he did so, because what the Alliance did was unforgivable. They tried to turn St. Patty's Day into a family event.

God damn that's so Stockton I don't even know where to start (Well, you know, besides when we started here). The downsizing of the event was understandable in today's economy, but the rest of Saturday's shenanigans weren't. Charging $5 for the privilege to buy a $5 was just fucking ridiculous. Especially because the event consisted of mediocre local bands playing outside the pay-area in Janet Leigh Plaza (something you can see for free on pretty much a weekly basis), and because the pay-area consisted of a couple of tents, a bunch of folding chairs and tables, a canopy, and a barbecue. All shit I could probably ask my local church for and get for free. They pulled a classic Stockton money grab and tried to squeeze every cent they could out of the increasingly destitute citizens of Stockton.

And all of that's before you get to the fact that they tried to make it a family friendly event. Which is why we're glad Fitzy said something, because a holiday based on the mass consumption of alcohol isn't exactly the best place for kids. Most people drink to get away from their kids! The other half drink because they're depressed about the economy, so thanks for fucking both halves Stockton. At least we know how badly downtown has to fuck up to get Fitzy to disagree with them. It's completely. But hey, at least he actually stated an opinion. For that, we take back 10% of what we said in this post.

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