Is that you Clyde? Seriously, this isn't cool! I'm the symbol this town needs! Not you!

Yesterday in the Quick Links I relayed the story of a proposed group of vigilantes that would "activate" (their words, not mine) if the city were to lay off 43 police officers this summer. Everybody and their mothers agreed that it was a horrible idea... ok, well everybody with a brain did (oh, and Mike Fitzgerald). Others called in to say "I have a death wish! Sign me up!" Which really wasn't that surprising.

What was surprising was that somebody called up to say they had that idea already. No really, they even have uniforms. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Angels of Christ (Ok, technically it's given by David Siders). They are by far the most depressing militia of all time.

They're run by (or at least represented by) Martin Hernandez of Stockton who decided to protest the proposed layoffs of at least 43 of Stockton's finest. Because, you know, the city wants to lay those officers off.

As if that uniform (which if our knowledge of all things Olden Polynice is correct, can't be legal) wasn't depressing enough, this group comes complete with delusions of grandeur!

From Siders' blog:

"Hernandez said there are 16 people in his group and that he has detained perhaps 20 people in three months for the Stockton Police Department to arrest."

Oh, so their working with Stockton PD. I wonder what they have to say about this uptick in vigilantism.

"Officer Pete Smith, a department spokesman, said, 'I’ve never heard of Angels of Christ.'"

Hmmm, that seems to directly contradict Hernandez's comment. Do they just drop criminals off on the Police Department's stoop? Surely they have more training than the Stockton Armed Militia.

"Hernandez said he learned in Sacramento 10 years ago how to arrest people and use weapons"

Oh, well that's in no way comforting. Nothing says "safety" like 10 year old detainment tactics. At the very least they're a bunch of big guys. You know, like bouncers or something. Somebody imposing looking and this disheveled, unemployed man is just their spokesperson.

"Hernandez, of Angels of Christ, is at the podium... He is introducing Sandra, who he said is also an Angel of Christ."

Aww, isn't that adorable. They let women into their group. Sandra must be some sort of Amazon woman if she can hang with the AoC.

"Sandra said she is a teenager."

What. The. Fuck. Fucking teenagers!?

So let me get this straight. Stockton's proposing laying off upwards of 90 police officers and the residents of our fair city come back with multiple vigilante groups patrolling the streets with one involving teenage girls? Seriously!? This is the best fucking idea we can come up with?

I hate to sound like an elitist (that's Fitzy's schtick) but this is why we have our current government structure. The residents of Stockton can never eeeeeeeeever bitch about the horrible ideas presented by the City Council again. Sure, some of them may present silly ideas like declaring bankruptcy. But that idea pales in comparison to having an armed, overmatched group of vigilantes roaming the most dangerous areas of Stockton or replacing sworn officers with sad-looking dudes and teenagers. Hell, compared to impending vigilante warfare declaring bankruptcy looks like as good an idea as a Scarlett Johannsen topless scene.

Sadly, the national media is picking up on these stories. They love to exploit crazy people apparently. In the previously linked Fitzy article the World's dumbest attorney Ron Stein said he had an appointment his morning to talk to the Associated Press. Great, because if there's one thing Stockton needs it's more negative press. Is it too early to start drinking bourbon?

Rising gas prices the lamest reason to be emo ever?

In case you haven't noticed, gas is fucking expensive again. What? You didn't know $2 and up is the definition of fucking expensive? Well it is, we established that a while ago. Granted none of us travel all too often so it's nothing that's too high on our radar. Although we are worried that we might have to put Joe Goldeen on a suicide watch. His blog is downright depressing. Perhaps most depressing is the last couple sentences from the hilariously titled "Will 2009 bring an even crazier gas story?" post:

"It's been a wild ride this year. Look here for me next year (I'm taking a few days off), continuing to chronicle San Joaquin County's gas scene."

I'm not even sure where to begin. We could start with the fact that fluctuating gas prices was deemed a crazy story even though gas prices always fluctuate, it was just slightly more dramatic this year. Or the poll off to the side that left out the obvious 4th choice "For the love of God why are you still writing about this?" Then, of course, there's the fact that every one of his blogs ends in a request for your gas stories, yet he doesn't seem to have posted any (at least not on the front page). Joe's lonely, will someone please tell him about the time they topped off their tank when the pump clearly said "no topping off"? Bonus points if you did so while talking on a cell phone!

But instead we'd like to focus on the last part. Apparently there's a gas scene. You know, like how 209Vibe covered the music scene, Fitzy covers the affluent white folk scene, and we cover the local media scene (to varying degrees of success). I know there's not really a whole lot to do around these parts, but someone spending time driving around and documenting the rise and fall of the price of a gallon of gas is so depressing it makes me want to curl up in a dark corner in the fetal position with The Cure blasting in the background.

Isn't Joe the business reporter anyway? His blog description now says Health Care/Gasoline but it used to say Health Care/Money or something similar. Considering we're in the middle of the biggest recession since the Great Depression and that President-Elect Barack Obama made health care reform one of his main campaign issues, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to think that maybe the business/health care reporter should be writing about business and health care. Sure, gas prices are part of business. But that's like three blog posts tops, not a post every time the price of a gallon fluctuates by a penny.

I'm not saying completely ignore the issue. I'm saying that there are better ways to tackle it. Write about how gas prices are affecting the price of produce. Get together with David Siders and write about how the erratic prices are affecting the city budget. How do they predict how much money will be allotted towards filling up the tanks of fire trucks and police cruisers? If they underestimate it are they just fucked? If they overestimate it do they get to throw the spare cash into a Christmas party pool? There's more than one way to skin this cat. Or did the Record already use up all of these angles during their 3-part(!) series on gas prices?

Long story short, it's time to move on. It's not like the biggest business story in decades is currently happening or anything.