Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Is that you Clyde? Seriously, this isn't cool! I'm the symbol this town needs! Not you!

Yesterday in the Quick Links I relayed the story of a proposed group of vigilantes that would "activate" (their words, not mine) if the city were to lay off 43 police officers this summer. Everybody and their mothers agreed that it was a horrible idea... ok, well everybody with a brain did (oh, and Mike Fitzgerald). Others called in to say "I have a death wish! Sign me up!" Which really wasn't that surprising.

What was surprising was that somebody called up to say they had that idea already. No really, they even have uniforms. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Angels of Christ (Ok, technically it's given by David Siders). They are by far the most depressing militia of all time.

They're run by (or at least represented by) Martin Hernandez of Stockton who decided to protest the proposed layoffs of at least 43 of Stockton's finest. Because, you know, the city wants to lay those officers off.

As if that uniform (which if our knowledge of all things Olden Polynice is correct, can't be legal) wasn't depressing enough, this group comes complete with delusions of grandeur!

From Siders' blog:

"Hernandez said there are 16 people in his group and that he has detained perhaps 20 people in three months for the Stockton Police Department to arrest."

Oh, so their working with Stockton PD. I wonder what they have to say about this uptick in vigilantism.

"Officer Pete Smith, a department spokesman, said, 'I’ve never heard of Angels of Christ.'"

Hmmm, that seems to directly contradict Hernandez's comment. Do they just drop criminals off on the Police Department's stoop? Surely they have more training than the Stockton Armed Militia.

"Hernandez said he learned in Sacramento 10 years ago how to arrest people and use weapons"

Oh, well that's in no way comforting. Nothing says "safety" like 10 year old detainment tactics. At the very least they're a bunch of big guys. You know, like bouncers or something. Somebody imposing looking and this disheveled, unemployed man is just their spokesperson.

"Hernandez, of Angels of Christ, is at the podium... He is introducing Sandra, who he said is also an Angel of Christ."

Aww, isn't that adorable. They let women into their group. Sandra must be some sort of Amazon woman if she can hang with the AoC.

"Sandra said she is a teenager."

What. The. Fuck. Fucking teenagers!?

So let me get this straight. Stockton's proposing laying off upwards of 90 police officers and the residents of our fair city come back with multiple vigilante groups patrolling the streets with one involving teenage girls? Seriously!? This is the best fucking idea we can come up with?

I hate to sound like an elitist (that's Fitzy's schtick) but this is why we have our current government structure. The residents of Stockton can never eeeeeeeeever bitch about the horrible ideas presented by the City Council again. Sure, some of them may present silly ideas like declaring bankruptcy. But that idea pales in comparison to having an armed, overmatched group of vigilantes roaming the most dangerous areas of Stockton or replacing sworn officers with sad-looking dudes and teenagers. Hell, compared to impending vigilante warfare declaring bankruptcy looks like as good an idea as a Scarlett Johannsen topless scene.

Sadly, the national media is picking up on these stories. They love to exploit crazy people apparently. In the previously linked Fitzy article the World's dumbest attorney Ron Stein said he had an appointment his morning to talk to the Associated Press. Great, because if there's one thing Stockton needs it's more negative press. Is it too early to start drinking bourbon?

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