COPS Hiring Program Explained in Terms even Gordon Palmer can Understand

Ok, let's get this out of the way before I get to today's post. Yesterday I said talking about the underfunded courthouse security when a new courthouse was on deck was kind of stupid. Roughly 4 hours after that was posted, this happened. So yeah, they could probably use that money and I'm a jackass. Luckily this is Stockton so there's a lot of jackassery going around. Let's take a look at some of that jackassery, shall we?

I stumbled upon Oakland blog A Better Oakland this morning and I did so just in time apparently as V Smoothe breaks down the requirements for the COPS Hiring Recovery Program that our own city is relying on to balance the budget. It's a highly suggested read considering Oakland's facing a lot of the same problems we are.

In addition to that, it only takes about 2 minutes to realize that the Department of Justice was right, assuming that money is coming our way is a horrible fucking idea. Gordon Palmer dismissed that accusation as political posturing, saying "Of course they're going to say that. ... Until they grant the money, they aren't going to tell any city, 'You're going to get the money.'" And then he went ahead and said "If I were in their shoes, I'd probably say the same thing."

Well, here's the thing Mr. Palmer, if we want to get the money, the guy in your shoes (aka YOU) has to also be saying the same thing. Let me explain:

According to the grant application guide (and this is in the Better Oakland post, I'm just rehashing it for you here) there are three ways, and only three ways, we can use the grant money. We can hire new cops to fill positions vacated by laid off cops, re-hire laid off cops, or retain cops that were scheduled to be laid off.

That last one is where we run into a little bit of trouble. As of today, the city has only sent layoff notices to 55 cops. Those cops are expected to be laid off according to the budget Palmer wants to adopt that relies on receiving at least half of the COPS money we applied for, barring some sort of last minute concessions by the SPOA (ha!). See the problem yet?

The grant money only applies to cops laid off or scheduled to be laid off (and hiring new cops, but try and get that past the union) at the time of grant application (which was April 14th). So assuming the grant money is there and planning layoffs accordingly can't work because we're supposed to act like we won't get that money (even though we totally qualify for and should get it). If we don't get that money we're expected to layoff upwards of 90 police officers. In other words, we're downplaying our budgetary woes when we should be exaggerating them. Unfortunately it's not politically smart to do that locally because of fuckasses like Alan Pettet scaring the town shitless with threats of an armed gang of vigilantes roaming the streets.

So what does this all mean? Frankly, I'm not totally sure. It could be that official layoff notices weren't needed and they just needed to put the planned amount of layoffs in the grant application. But I really wouldn't put it past the city to have fucked this up royally.

In which Mike Fitzgerald continues his quest to piss off every city employee ever

You know what? Fitzy's column today is pretty bad. So bad that I'm going to FJM it. Something we haven't done in a while. Let's just dive right in to the horrible goodness.

Today: items.

We warned you it was going to be bad didn't we? And with this...umm..sentence(?), Fitzy warns his readers too. Anything that starts off with some variation of "A few items" is like code for saying "I couldn't shit out a whole column on one topic." I know it's the pot calling the kettle black here since the Quick Links are like 70% of our posts. But again, I'm an unpaid blogger. Fitzy does this for a living. But anyways, let's check out these items.

1. A budget-busting deal

Oh this should be rich.

One of the last things the Ed Chavez City Council did was bullet-proof the Stockton Fire Department from budget cuts the city desperately needs to make.

Oh hey, Fitzy's smarter than the Recordnet commenters. He realizes that the City Council mostly responsible for this mess isn't the current one. But, something seems off about his claims that the budget's fucked because of SFD. But I can't quite put my finger on it. Let's continue, I bet it'll come to me.

On Dec. 16 - when the city's budget tsunami was already crashing down - the council approved an amendment to the Fire Department's labor agreement.

"There shall be no layoffs, alterations in total daily staffing, or company closures" until June 2011, reads the agreement.

Can somebody send this part to the Police Department? This is why PD has to deal with layoffs. And why FD's sitting pretty. I guess this means Fitzy agrees with us, which just makes us feel dirty. Wait, what's this...

The deal, yet another instance of insufferably bad city negotiation, was cut two weeks before most council members left office. The turkey has been handed to the new council.

So wait, Fitzy's pissed off pretty much every government worker by bitching about their paychecks and their pensions. Now he's going after FD because they can't be laid off? Is this part of his grand scheme to piss off every public worker ever? Next thing you know he's going to be bitching about coffee breaks or some other petty bullshit. But what does this mean for the city? Let's ask the City Council's resident Fitzy stooge Dale Fritchen!

"It completely gave away any flexibility the city has," Fritchen lamented. "As it stands, the Fire Department can be $6 million over budget, and there's not much that the city can do."

Oh, so we're fucked? If there's one thing you can say about Fritchen it's that he's consistent. We have yet to read a quote where he hasn't said something about how completely fucked the budget is. So unbending union enjoying a sweetheart deal from the Chavez Council. Next verse same as the first. Tell me something I haven't heard.

(Fire Chief Ron) Hittle predicted the union would further renegotiate in the interests of the city.

Oh, so they're going to be flexible. That's refreshing. Hey wait, that nagging feeling is coming back. What's this over here?

"We will make no further concessions - we've made plenty - until every other labor group in the city has matched the concessions we've made," (FD Union President Capt. Dave) Macedo said.

Snap! RACE WAR!!!!! Ok, well, PD/FD war. I thought this only happened in movies and on Reno 911. Wasn't PD just bitching about FD's lack of cuts? Wish you had taken cuts last year when the Council was passing out promises it had no intention of backing up don't you PD?

But we've been talking about all these layoffs way too much lately. Plus, it looks like they're finally realizing pay cuts are better for the public than layoffs. So let's check Fitzy's next item that will assuredly be another great idea to cut excessive government spending.

2. A mountain of Folgers Crystals

Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me?

I asked the city to account for its coffee intake, mindful that in most offices employees buy their own coffee.

2008 tax dollars spent on coffee, etc.: $34,938.24.

I could make some sarcastic joke about how that's some crack investigative journalism right there. But I have a bigger bone to pick right now. You can bitch about pay rates, you can put a hit out on pensions, but you do NOT fuck with the java dude. Especially over 35 grand. We have a $30 million budget shortfall. 35 grand is a drop in the hat. That pays for what? Half a cop? It's just not worth pissing off every city worker ever. Apparently Fitzy doesn't mind waiting 6 hours any time he wants to use a city service. What do you think's going to happen next time you call the city to help you cut a particularly big branch that's up too high on one of the trees in front of your house Fitz? Or what about the next time you need a permit? Fuck that, what about the next time somebody from the Record needs to go to a source working for the city? They're going to say "Fuck you" while they struggle to keep their head up because some pompous fuckshovel brought their coffee budget to the attention of the public.

I want my city workers to be as alert and awake as possible. If that means paying so each office can have their own Starbucks barista on call to Irish up their coffee then so be it. But pointing out a small perk that really has a microscopic affect on the budget just seems short sighted and stupid. Not to mention it's a blatant violation of coffee code. Coffee drinkers look out for each other. Considering Fitzy's in the journalism field we can assume he enjoys a hot cup of mud from time to time, so he should know better. If I don't get my cup or two in in the morning you'd better not talk to me because I will punch you in the face. I don't care who you are. Coffee is the fucking lifeblood. You don't fuck with the lifeblood.

I can't even continue. I'm just too pissed off at this blatant, petty violation of common decency. I'm too angry to talk about the fact that half this article is just a word for word reprint from his blog. What a lazy fucker. I bet if he had coffee he'd put enough effort into his job to not just republish old shit. Plus, the 3rd item is just cheesy and weak. Also it's not funny. Ok, the "Misery Loves Company" one was pretty good, but still, don't fuck with coffee.

Quick Links for Feb. 6th

Woohoo! Weekend! Now I can sleep off tomorrow's hangover as opposed to painfully working through it. Somebody pass me the bong Advil. And now the Quick Links! Which is like Highfill's bulletpoint column, but actually funny and interesting.

And the next futile attempt in securing a raise the city can't possibly afford is...

Arbitration! Yes, because PD apparently still doesn't understand when Dale Fritchen says there's no fucking money. And unfortunately, the arbitrator will probably rule in favor of SPD because technically they are legally required to get that raise. That still doesn't change the fact that there's no money. So in reality, SPD is just shooting themselves in the foot. If the city is forced to pay PD more, that just means they'll have to lay off more officers to compensate. Which is kind of counterproductive to Blair Ulring's whole wanting to keep as many officers on the street as possible thing. Underpaid officers (underpaid by their standards) are still officers on the street asshole! Quit being a dick and make concessions that will keep as many officers on the street as possible. Pay cuts or layoffs? Which one do you want? You have to make a choice. Even the Record thinks so! You know how often we agree on shit? And don't think the city doesn't have the balls to layoff police officers. Wanna know why?

They just did it

Yup, in a classic Friday news dump, the city laid off 29 police officers and threw in the IT guy and the Library director for funzies. Nice job by Ann Johnston trying to act like nothing happened. Luckily David Siders' bullshit detector presumably went off and he was able to find out that shit in fact did go down. We like how it seems Siders was just camped out by Gordon Palmer's office waiting for the recently pink-slipped to emerge. This is how the city announces all layoffs right?

And if the name Natalie Rencher looks familiar it's because she was the apparently controversial absentee Library Director featured in a poorly written Fitzy column last November. At least we think she was controversial. We're not entirely sure. Like I said, it was a poorly written column.

But either way, the message is clear. The City Council doesn't give a fuck, they'll layoff whoever they need to come in under budget. Which we can't blame them for since it's their job. It's time for the Assistant Chief to do his.

Hey guys! Gang war at Lincoln Center!

This has bad idea written all over it, or at least it would if it wasn't in an area so white that bleach would actually make it dirtier. Why not go the distance with this idea and have the southern portion of Lincoln Center offer discounts for those in blue and the northern side get discounts for red. Then everybody can meet at Ben Holt and fight for who gets the 10% discount at the Chevron on the corner. We're convinced Joe Goldeen would bring a crossbow and a mace to this.

California Stockton Cougars soccer! Tickets still available!

The Cougars are finally starting to catch on! Jason Anderson reports that Stockton's favorite group of sexy ladies of advanced age indoor soccer players are...ummm, we're not actually sure what the point is. They're still around, which is more than we expected last year. Sure, they're still losing money, but not as much money. And they're promoting events that raise attendance a whole 600 more people than average! Which makes the Arena slightly more than a quarter full. Total success story! And the team's good! Ok, well, better. Yes, somehow being down 9-2 at the half is better. But hey, they came back to lead! And then promptly lost in OT. Wait, soccer has OT? I thought it was some penalty kick thing. Granted, the last time I watched soccer a French guy was headbutting an Italian, so I'm no expert. But I do know that 23 goals means that both teams played less defense than the Sacamento Kings. If they an only maintain this hot scoring streak they'll have that Arena halfway full by 2021!