Shit to do for the weekend of 9/19 (AKA Talk Like A Pirate Weekend)

Sexy Friday 9/19
This weekend's fairly lopsided as far as shit to do goes. Everybody's got dibs on Saturday and totally neglected Friday and Sunday. The only real show I could find for tonight was a Blackwater Show featuring the Magnolia District, Monica Marie, and Rebecca Goldsmith at either 8 or 9 (there's two listings for it on 209Vibe). Free

Saturday 9/20
Looking to do something this weekend? Well this is the day. Seriously, this day is wicked packed.

There's Minor Dischord and FunkyTim playing by the movie theater at 7pm. Obviously free.

Or if that's too close to nighttime for you to consider going downtown, the old Stockton Royal is being put to good use as Extended Walrus and Sukijames play at 7:30 on the Matinee side. $5

Over on the Empire Theater side of things is the San Francisco International Stand-Up Comedy Competition at 8pm featuring a bunch of comedians you've probably never heard of. (But as the press release notes about 50 times, they could become famous eventually.) $25

Or if you feel like boogeying down (a phrase best said/read by using a Richard Nixon voice), you can make the trek up to Modesto as 209Vibe celebrates it's adults-only 1-year anniversary at the Fat Cat. (Thus fulfilling our requirement to advertise any event who's press release contains the phrase "grown and sexy".) One can only hope the end result is Ian Hill waking up the next morning on the Fat Cat bar with half his beard shaved off. $10

Sunday 9/21
Absolutely nothing is going on Sunday. Unless you're into camp fundraisers. (Which is for a good cause, I've just never heard of the camp or the city it's in but it's in New York. Why is it on 209Vibe?) Luckily Sunday is the best day to have nothing going on. Sundays are for getting your hopes up for no other reason than "Jamarcus looks good today" only to watch his fat ass waddle around in the pocket and throw a 5-yard slant on 3rd and 15. (Sorry, way too easy)

Quick Links for 9/19 Arrrrrrr!

Before we get started with the quick links, happy Talk Like a Pirate Day everybody. Arrrrrrr! Man, that felt good...matey. We'd type like pirates all day but pirates have horrible grammar and reading sentences like "Fitzy, ye be not funny, yar." all day would probably make your eyeballs bleed. Plus we're pretty sure typing like a pirate isn't practical, the hook would get in the way.

Queen Emily made it to the America's Got Talent Top 5 (We'd have a link, but saw this story in the 3-Minute Record and wrote this paragraph, stupidly assuming that the story would be on recordnet.com.), beating out an undetermined number of drag queen celebrity impersonators (we'd have the exact number of drag queens she beat out, but we watch TV shows that are actually entertaining). The Queen said of her experience on the show so far, "It feels grand." Which brings up two thoughts. One, Someone's letting that Queen nickname go to their head a little bit. And two, people still say grand? What's next? I had a gay ol' time winning that competition? We're calling our shot and predicting a "Coronation of a Queen" headline when she wins this thing. And yes, we're well aware we quoted the Flintstones theme a couple sentences ago.

Apparently Fitzy couldn't settle on a column idea so he went with the quick hits format. Which is fine as long as it doesn't become a cructh. (Because we're currently using that crutch.) It does help if the hits contain something resembling humor. Telling people to check out your blog for more info isn't a column, it's an advertisement.

There's a $5,000 reward for information leading to the capture of Mayra Lopez's killer. No funny comment here, just passing along important information.

For some sick reason we find stories like this to be hilarious. Note to the World: If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Especially if that sound is coming from a Canadian.