Quick Links for Feb 17th (and hopefully the last time we'll have to mention Forbes and their stupid list)

(Insert questionably witty banter here)

QUICK LINKS!

Does anybody really think Stockton is miserable?

Let's face it, if the guy who's job it is to report on crime in Stockton doesn't think the city is miserable, then Stockton's not miserable. We made the argument that Forbes' miserable city list was flawed last week, but Christian Burkin does it a lot better than us (and without cussing!).

Plus he points out something we've been harping on for months. Stockton's too focused on becoming something it's not. We're never going to be that ideal city because the ideal flat out doesn't exist. If our slogan or whatever is "Celebrate Stockton!" then fucking celebrate Stockton. Unfortunately before rolling out that campaign the city neglected to find out what they're celebrating. Are we celebrating Stockton or Fat City? Contrary to popular belief the two aren't one in the same. And until we figure that out the taxpayers are just giving city leaders an unbearably long Dutch rudder. And that's the truly miserable part of Stockton

Don Blount saw that Forbes list too!

Just when that stupid list was leaving the news cycle, Don Blount saw it and decided to give it some more life. Even though pretty much everybody's calling the list bullshit, Don has to run in at the last second and yell "Yeah! Bullshit! Me too guys!" And he does so in typically horrible fashion. At one point he actually says "Central Valley represent!" This is the editor of a newspaper mind you. Not, you know, us.

But if that wasn't embarrassing enough he also wonders out loud with Larry Ruhstaller as to why Stockton didn't get credit for having the Thunder, Cougars, Lightening, and Ports. Pro sports is part of the criteria. Let me say that again pro sports. We have the minor leagues. You may notice a difference in quality between the teams on TV and the teams in Stockton.

I could actually spend a while dissecting Blount's latest offering, but we're weary of giving this stupid Forbes list any more press than it already has. Let us know when a bullet-proof accurate list comes out, like the best beer cities.

It's a good thing they use the AP so much or else we wouldn't get such quality analysis on the Thunder (tickets still available!)

One of our main issues with the Record's sports pages, besides their apparent inability to use Google, is their overwhelming dependance on wire stories. They use wire stories for all the local pro teams (aka the important teams) and concentrate all their efforts on high school (Well, St. Mary's and Lincoln) and the local minor league teams (aka who the fuck cares). The only time you can really twist their arm to write about shit that matters is when a local kid makes one of the pro teams. You may remember Must B. Highfill's blatant fellating of St. Mary's product, Taco King, and Tampa Bay Devil Ray Jason Bartlett from last year, God knows we do. Which is why we're surprised that they settled for an AP article on Stagg graduate Dallas Braden. Granted, we're not totally surprised. As the Record's outsourcing of high school games to other local papers have shown, if it's not about St. Mary's or Lincoln, they don't give a shit. If somebody else can write it, then they'll let them write it. The Record's too busy trying to force us to care about the minor league teams. In other words, much like the city, they're in a futile struggle that can't be won.

The only way we as a city are going to care about the local teams is if they win. Something only the Ports have done so far. You remember how much support they got? Yeah, it wasn't much. And they're the most popular local team. The ceiling for these teams isn't high, so hey, maybe we can spread the coverage out a little bit.

No word yet on when President-Elect Obama is taking office...oh wait

We've made fun of Bob Highfill in the past, but this time we're here to help him out. Bob, this is Google. It is a search engine on this thing called "the Internet". Google searches this inter-connected web of sites ingeniously called "websites" for information that you deem valuable.

For instance, let's search (or "Google") two words that seem to be very popular lately, Stockton and miserable. See, loads of information/articles about Stockton's dubious/bullshit ranking as our nation's most miserable city. I know it's supercomplicated, but you'll get the hang of it.

Flawed rankings based solely on data is kind of our thing though, let's try something in your wheelhouse Ol' Bulletpoint. Say, the words Stockton and sports. Hey look! Info about sports and shit in Stockton! And look on the second page, it's the Record's sports section. And what's this? Why, it's Ol' Bulletpoint's weekly lazyass bulletpoint column. And, by God, what's this part?

"No word when Charles Barkley will return to TNT's "Inside the NBA" studio show. Ratings have dropped 38 percent since the Hall of Fame forward took a leave of absence following his arrest for DUI in December."

Wow, 38 percent? Where'd you get that info? You used that newfangled Google thing didn't you? You know, I wonder when Chuck is coming back too. Let me also use the Google to check out if there's any information on the Round Mound of Rebound's return. Of course, being an editor of a Sports page, Bob Highfill's already done this sort of research, but just for fun we'll type "Charles Barkley return" into Google.

Oh, well will you look at that. The first fucking story is from a week ago saying that Charles is coming back after last Sunday's All-Star game. So there is word on when Chuck is coming back, and it's Thursday. Unfortunately, Bob "Must Be" Highfill couldn't be bothered to search Google to make sure a statement he made in his column was true.

In short, do your research.

Quick Links for Feb 9th

Don't worry, it's not just the misinformed ramblings of pissed off internet commenters today. We just hope that post distracts from the fact that jack shit happened over the weekend. Friday news dumps only work when other, bigger shit happens to overshadow it. And I'll be damned if nothing happened. Oh sure, the Record tweaked it's website a bit. Once we figure out all of what they did we'll tell you it sucks or something. By until then, let's try some Quick Links.

Downtown revitalization set to happen any day now

We could pile on here, so we will. Could somebody please tell us how much longer IFG's contract runs? We'd love to start a countdown clock. The eventual goal being competent booking by 2030! Ok, it's too easy to pile on. Look, the Arena's never going to be a straight up cash cow. The benefit of the Arena is that it gets people downtown whereas before the only way you were getting me downtown involved chains and horses, or a jury summons. It's about getting people downtown and spending money at other downtown businesses. So while it's fun to laugh at the money the Arena has lost, we have to remember that's it's all about how many people come to games. Oh, we're still fucked. Nevermind.

Man unsuccessfully tries to spend as much time away from wife as possible

(Note: We would have loved to have linked to this story, because it's pretty bad. But it's not on the Record's site, at all. Google site searches for both the headline and the lede bring up jack shit.)

There are multiple things wrong with this article. So the fact that it was written by Bob Highfill should come as no surprise. Let's see what we can spot a fairly easily one to pick on. Oh, I know! That convenient calendar on the back page. Highfill claims that "Stockton's Super Fan" Bill Robertson has 20 out of the 28 days of this month filled with events. The first day (the first fucking day!) reads "Alameda Antique Show 9am Super Bowl 3:30pm". Barring a last second cross-country flight to Tampa, how is this a live sporting event? The calendar is titled "Live sporting event schedule for Bill Robertson" after all. The Alameda Antique Show is not a sporting event. Hell, it's not even in fucking Stockton! Do we really need to know this guy's antiquing schedule? It's not like his Feb. 7th entry is any more impressive because he was at the De Anza Flea Market before going to watch women's basketball. Does that mean I get to count my trips to the Natomas Hooters before Kings games as a separate event because I like to stare at tits and drink beer? I haven't seen stats this padded since Barry Bonds.

Don Blount not only sees lines, he sees between them!

Oh hey, it's Monday! Which means the new "Shit Don Blount Saw" came out! In this one he sees an unemployment line! Or a job applicant line! Or...some sort of line, he never really specifies. He also put down Parade magazine long enough to see unemployment statistics. Have you seen these unemployment figures? OMG, I think something might be really wrong with the economy! People are applying for not one, but two jobs! Imagine that! That has to be something new! Luckily, this whole economy thing hasn't reached newspapers, right? Fuck.

Alright, see you guys tomorrow.

Is it OK to crush high school and college athletes?

The Record sports section can be at times humorous, like calling a team by the wrong name.  

The Record sports can make a good call.

But one thing I've always taken issue with is crushing non-pro athletes.  

Yes Pacific lost a bad game to a bad team while getting outplayed.  But to say "no one has the guts to take responsibility and say enough is enough," is a personal shot at everyone in the Pacific basketball organization.

But it doesn't stop there.  The whole article is a shot tearing this team to shreds.  And thats garbage.  

Bad losses are nothing new.

Bob, lets take a step back to when you were in college.  What was on your plate?  Next party?  Getting laid?  Wild class schedule and workload?  Working to support yourself?  

Now, lets take a look at Bob the professional.  Bullet point column involving very broad generalizations?  A BS semi-recap of the game and your viewing venue?  I hope you don't hurt yourself with that workload.

In the end, these are still kids, learning to be responsible adults and working towards a higher education.  And at Pacific, they should be applauded for their work and their 82% graduation rate for student athletes. 

If you want to rip someone to shreds, rip the Kings for re-signing Beno to a 5 year deal.  Rip someone getting paid to do their job if it doesn't meet your standards.

But for some reason I can see you in the hot seat while a college coach has a little chat with you.  

Quick Links for Dec. 16th

We'll get to your irregularly scheduled Quick Links, but first we have to get today's "Called it!" moment out of the way. In yesterday's Kings Kolumn, El Duke called his shot:
"What should be the topic of his entire column will be a bullet point so he can make a joke about St. Mary's that roughly 15 people will get. If they're feeling frisky they might reprint Amick's column."

Wow, that's a fairly specific prediction, let's turn to page C1 and see what we got. Let's see, well lookee here, there's Sam Amick and that article we've already read on that fancy internet thing we've heard so much about. And what's this? Why Ol' Bulletpoint didn't just dedicate only a single bullet point to the Theus firing, he dedicated two bullet points to St. Mary's. Fuck, we hit that dead on. So allow us this moment of gloating. The Record's sport pages are so bad that El Duke predicted the content (and, just for us in the RTT offices, the exact page layout) of the front page of the sport section. What do they pay Bob Highfill for again? Can we take his paycheck and use it to help fund 209Vibe? In conclusion...CALLED IT!

The Teen Slave story has apparently gotten so big that the Record can outsource it to the wire services now. Considering they weren't exactly leading the pack in digging up information on the story despite being the closest daily newspaper we can't say we're surprised. The Record's motto has always been "We report the news, unless someone else can cover it for us" after all. The wire story does throw out a decent amount of new information though. Of course because the Record has this weird theory that you can't even fucking link to wire stories, it took me forfuckingever to find the specific story. But since I love you guys, here it is. It gives a fairly interesting backstory as to how the kid got hooked up with his non-aunt (apparently she was neighbors with his real mom, who's been suspiciously silent through this whole ordeal) and his life pre-Teen Slave.

Back in Stockton, the family of that guy who got shot and killed by the police for wondering what the commotion going on in his south Stockton backyard was is planning on bringing wrongful death charges against Stockton PD. They seem to have a strong case too if you're to believe their lawyer. SPD shot the guy through his screen door which means he didn't even have to leave the fucking house to get gunned down. Then they allegedly trashed the garage/house, presumably to try and find something to justify the shooting. And they didn't. They shot a guy with a legally acquired gun while he was standing inside his house looking to see who was trespassing onto his property. If they spent half the time fighting crime that they use trying to cover up their fuckups our crime rate might actually lower to 3rd in the state. Of course that still doesn't mean they deserve a 9% raise. I feel like I should re-note that all these accusations are just that, accusations. But when the police start stonewalling the media, it's a pretty good indication as to who's story you should believe.

In lighter news, William Choyce was sentenced to death yesterday. Which would be a more vindicating verdict if California wasn't a bunch of pussies and actually executed death row inmates. Instead George Clinton's doppelganger will probably just ride out the rest of his life in prison where they'll assure him the most painless natural death possible. You know, the kind of death his victims weren't afforded.

In actual lighter news, former State Assemblyman Alan Nakanishi is enjoying life in the private sector. After terming out as an assemblyman Nakanishi returned to his hohum life as a doctor where he no longer shoulders the burden of having to do stuff for his constituents. Don't worry, the transition should be easy, he didn't do anything for his constituents when he was in office either! When looking for stuff that Nakanishi actually did for SJ County, the biggest thing found apparently was the transfer of Oak Grove Regional Park from the county to the city of Stockton. Because if there's one thing the city needed, it was another park to take care of. This of course happened after the Asparagus Festival was moved downtown. So ummm, thanks Alan. He blamed his lack of legislative results on the Democratically controlled State Assembly to which we reply, bullshit. Being in the minority party doesn't automatically absolve you of not getting shit done. It's called politics, go out there and fucking shake hands, scratch some backs, make backhanded deals, get your Blagojevich on for fuck's sake. Do anything but fucking sit there and go "but I'm a republican." It just makes you look like a lazy jackass.

Hey wait, this was our idea! Anybody who doesn't vote the Stockton Rodeo number one is a dirty liar...and a communist.

Hey, remember earlier when we called the sports page? Yeah, that was just a few paragraphs ago. Well now we're putting on a different hat because, quess what? We scooped it! Last week we brought you the news that the AFL was considering suspending 2009 operations and may even be folding. Well, they suspended their season on Sunday. Unfortunately it doesn't affect the afl2 league and we'll be "blessed" with another season of Lightening football.