Friday, April 17, 2009

April's Rube of the Month

Well, it's about that time again, time for...

April's Rube of the Month!

This one's more of a throwback to the original rubes in that it involves the stupidity of just an average Stocktonian and really has nothing to do with the Record outside of the fact that they reported it. And I'm glad they did. From the 911 Briefs yesterday:

"Impersonating an officer: A 46-year-old man told police he was driving west on Park Street at about 10 p.m. Tuesday when another driver pulled up behind him and turned on a solid red light that was mounted on the dashboard."

Oh sweet! Olden Polynice is in town! And solid red light? They shined a flashlight at them? I need blinking lights to be fooled dammit! Or at least some official looking radio.

"The victim pulled over, and the other man walked up to him holding a radio and identifying himself as a police officer, according to the Stockton Police Department. The man then walked the victim to the back of his car, searched him and took two wallets and cash, police said. He then drove away on Park."

You know, I always get escorted to the back of an unmarked police car when I run a red light. So I don't see any problem here. Except for the fact that running a red light is like a $250 ticket and that's it. You don't even have to really unbuckle your seatbelt to get one. This guys must have been really convincing. Let's get a description of the guy so we know what to look for.

"The robber's car is described as a white, 1989 Chevy Suburban with dark, 3-inch-wide pin-striping. The robber is described as black, about 25 years old, 6 feet tall with a thin build and short, curly hair."

Seems official so far, what about his uniform? That had to be something really convincing looking that would make the Angels of Christ jealous.

He was clean-shaven and was last seen wearing a dark, short-sleeved polo shirt and pink pajama pants. (emphasis ours)

What. The. Fuck. If someone pulls me over wearing pink pajama pants I'm telling them to kick rocks and driving off. I don't care if everything else about them says cop. They could be driving an official police car, have the uniform shirt, and even the fancy hat with rain guard. But as soon as I see those pink pajamas I'm flipping them off for wasting my time and leaving. End of story. Or I would at least play along until they asked me to get out of the car, pantsed them, and then left.

Somebody got conned by a motherfucker wearing PINK PAJAMA PANTS! So we even need vigilantes? We can all just wake up in the morning and pull people over without even changng out of our fucking PJs! And he didn't even have a gun tucked into the waistband Plaxico-style!

How did this person get a drivers license in the first places if they can't figure out that the guy walking up to their car brandishing a radio and pink pajama pants was a cop!? Isn't that like question 6 on the DMV test? Fuck that, isn't that a question on a kindergarten test? "What do cops wear?" "A. Blue uniforms. B. A hat C. Pink pajama pants D. All but C."

If you can't answer that question, you fail at life. And that's why this anonymous 46 year old man is April's Rube of the Month.

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