April's Rube of the Month

Well, it's about that time again, time for...

April's Rube of the Month!

This one's more of a throwback to the original rubes in that it involves the stupidity of just an average Stocktonian and really has nothing to do with the Record outside of the fact that they reported it. And I'm glad they did. From the 911 Briefs yesterday:

"Impersonating an officer: A 46-year-old man told police he was driving west on Park Street at about 10 p.m. Tuesday when another driver pulled up behind him and turned on a solid red light that was mounted on the dashboard."

Oh sweet! Olden Polynice is in town! And solid red light? They shined a flashlight at them? I need blinking lights to be fooled dammit! Or at least some official looking radio.

"The victim pulled over, and the other man walked up to him holding a radio and identifying himself as a police officer, according to the Stockton Police Department. The man then walked the victim to the back of his car, searched him and took two wallets and cash, police said. He then drove away on Park."

You know, I always get escorted to the back of an unmarked police car when I run a red light. So I don't see any problem here. Except for the fact that running a red light is like a $250 ticket and that's it. You don't even have to really unbuckle your seatbelt to get one. This guys must have been really convincing. Let's get a description of the guy so we know what to look for.

"The robber's car is described as a white, 1989 Chevy Suburban with dark, 3-inch-wide pin-striping. The robber is described as black, about 25 years old, 6 feet tall with a thin build and short, curly hair."

Seems official so far, what about his uniform? That had to be something really convincing looking that would make the Angels of Christ jealous.

He was clean-shaven and was last seen wearing a dark, short-sleeved polo shirt and pink pajama pants. (emphasis ours)

What. The. Fuck. If someone pulls me over wearing pink pajama pants I'm telling them to kick rocks and driving off. I don't care if everything else about them says cop. They could be driving an official police car, have the uniform shirt, and even the fancy hat with rain guard. But as soon as I see those pink pajamas I'm flipping them off for wasting my time and leaving. End of story. Or I would at least play along until they asked me to get out of the car, pantsed them, and then left.

Somebody got conned by a motherfucker wearing PINK PAJAMA PANTS! So we even need vigilantes? We can all just wake up in the morning and pull people over without even changng out of our fucking PJs! And he didn't even have a gun tucked into the waistband Plaxico-style!

How did this person get a drivers license in the first places if they can't figure out that the guy walking up to their car brandishing a radio and pink pajama pants was a cop!? Isn't that like question 6 on the DMV test? Fuck that, isn't that a question on a kindergarten test? "What do cops wear?" "A. Blue uniforms. B. A hat C. Pink pajama pants D. All but C."

If you can't answer that question, you fail at life. And that's why this anonymous 46 year old man is April's Rube of the Month.

Happy Communist Organizer day! Now what the hell are we forgetting?

So it's the end of March and it feels like something's missing. Let's run down the monthly checklist.

Completely destroy some stupid idea Fitzy wrote about: Check

Take the city to task for horrible timing: Check and check

Point out Lori Gilbert's affinity for the elderly (Which we hear is a 3 seed in the Nasty Fetish NIT): Check (last item)

Get punched by a midget: Check

Drink: Check, check, and check.

Hmmm, it seems like something's missing. Oh wait, now I remember! It's time for...

March's Rube of the Month!

I know you're probably thinking we totally forgot about it since it's the very last day of March, but we didn't. We just saw something earlier this month that had rubian potential and had to wait for it to play out. Well, it played out like we expected and that's why March's Rube of the Month is a man we talk about quite a bit on here, Mr. Michael Fitzgerald. I'm honestly kind of surprised it took this long for him to earn the distinction. Sure, he was directly involved in last's month's ROTM, but this time he actually gets the nod himself. What can I say? He's a double threat. He's the player-coach of rubes.

So why does Fitzy deserve such a lofty distinction? It's simple really, he allowed his man crush on newish booking agent Stephen Grossman to cloud his judgement. Specifically this line:

Grossman said next week he should be able to announce two new events for the arena.

That was two weeks ago. Let me check the paper real quick...yeah big fat goose egg. Again.

Are we nitpicking? Yeah, a little bit. But when we read that our response was "Yeah, whatever. We'll believe it when we see it." But then again, we're horrible skeptics. It's a quality that's easy to develop when you've lived in Stockton as long as we have. We've had guys promise great acts and fall through before *coughRalphWhite*cough*. Thing is, Fitzy's lived here way longer than we have. He should be just as skeptical if not more. Which is really why he's this month's rube. He should know better than to trust the guy with the least enviable job in the city (well, you know, besides Gordon Palmer's).

I could call Grossman every week and he'd probably say something along the lines of "We're really really super close to booking a big act" just to get me off his ass (you know, so Fitzy can reaffix his lips). I wouldn't print anything like that because it's vague and there's really no information in there. Fitzy prints it because he wants to make his pal look good. And then when nothing happens, he looks like a fucking stooge. And that, my friends, is how Mike Fitzgerald earned his very first Rube of the Month award. It almost definitely won't be his last.

Let the countdown to somebody pointing out the event announcement that we probably totally missed begin. (Note: Vincente Fernandez doesn't count because that's a fucking gimmie)

Quick Links for Feb. 2nd (Plus, earliest Rube of the Month award ever!)

Now that we got the typos out of the way, let's see if we can't find ourselves some Quick Links. Today's edition even comes with an added treat!

It's all about that money, money. Yeah, yeah!

Two things: One, when did Cryme Tyme visit Stockton? I thought the WWE was skipping Stockton on their upcoming NoCal swing (which, you know, makes sense since they were one of the few Arena events that actually drew a crowd. You stay classy IFG).

And two, isn't there a police station on Manchester? Sure, it's just UOP public safety, but their jurisdiction extend a mile around the campus. I guess it just proves how respected they are. People aren't afraid to blatantly car jack someone at a relatively early nighttime hour right down the street. Now that's a reason for Pacific students to feel underprotected. But hey, shit that goes down in San Mateo works too.

We're pretty sure we should be naming all the new features the Record's been rolling out

If there's one thing we like about the Record's redesign, is that it resulted in daily columns. Record Managing Editor and January's Rube of the Month Don Blount's Monday column is quickly becoming one of our favorites for being, as far as we can tell, a stream of consciousness column. I'm almost positive he just writes down what he's thinking when he's sitting in front of the computer for "column time".During column time he's apparently often thinking about shit he saw. Like the time he went on a hike with his kids. Or like a few weeks ago when he thought Stockton was represented by stuff he saw. Of course sometimes he just makes observations. Like that one time he remembered he's black (just like President Obama!). Then there's today where he recounts the harrowing story of breaking up an impromptu dog fighting ring scaring off a few strays with a golf club.

His columns are like observational humor minus the humor part. If you want humor, his blog comes highly recommended. Which Parade Magazine will show up next!? Yes, we're almost positive Don Blount is the only black guy who reads Parade. But anyways, back to the point.

Wait, what was the point again? Oh yeah, from here on out we're calling Don Blount's Monday mind droppings "Shit Don Blount Saw". We look forward to next week's edition where he presumably tells us about the time he gave a homeless veteran change.

Oh shit, how did nobody tell us about this?

If you ever needed confirmation that we do little to no work on this site during the weekends, the fact that we just now found out about this should be proof enough. This happened Friday? Really? Damn, we were paying attention at a fairly late hour on Friday too. Note to self/selves: don't start drinking immediately after clocking out. Wait like 10 mins.

Apparently people were actually riveted by our search for the Real Stocktonian of the Year (although not riveted enough to send us e-mail suggestions). And to those people, we apologize for taking so long. We were feverishly searching for the story on a subject that just screamed "Stockton" and, as numerous lists will tell you, nothing shouts "Stockton" quite as loudly as an impending foreclosure.

Note how we're "The local blog" (emphasis ours), we kind of like that. Save Our Stockton can Suck Our Nuts. They're not even really a blog anyways. Oh, and thanks to David Siders for the link (twice in one paragraph even!). We apologize for assuming you were in your 40s based on the picture recordnet.com has of you. They really need to take new ones, if for no other reason than to get a shot of Ian Hill's fauxhawk.

And finally...

February's Rubes of the Month!

Last week we avoided getting lured in by Fitzy's blatant bait job regarding Stockton's bankruptcy options. Others weren't so lucky. And we're making those others the Rubes of the Month! Even worse, these rubes all got taken in by the stupidest thing blamed for Stockton's budgetary woes. Apparently working for the city government makes you rich and elitist! (Yes, Fitzy's still pretending to fight elitism. Don't get us started on that.)

Instead of honing in on the fact that the city's revenue stream is largely contingent on a housing market that's as volatile as all of my exgirlfriends and their moms while PMSing combined, these rubes decided the problem is we're paying our public servants too much. Because everything would be A-OK if Tom Morris had shitty pension and had to stick around for a while.

Fuck, quit trying to lure us in Fitzy! We're smarter than that! Ok, we gotta get out of here. Anybody who thinks we should declare bankruptcy so we can eliminiate incentives for people to come and work for the city and stay is a fucking rube. Other people earn more money than you. Fucking deal with it.

Why not try and get a return on all those investments we've been throwing taxpayer money at? Book anybody and everybody in the Arena and Bob Hope. Tell Paragary's to make food that doesn't taste like it they baked it in an Afghani man's scrotum so more people will eat there an...fuck! Get away from me shitty Fitzy column that's just begging to be torn apart! Back! Back I say!

The return of the Rube of the Month and why I love this city.

After taking a break for the month of December, the Rube of the Month award is back! There's no real reason we didn't pass out this award last month. We just kinda forgot. Plenty of rubeish things happened I'm sure. But that was that month. Now it's 2009. So let's get this shit rolling.

You rube of the month for January is Record Managing Editor Don Blount for this piece of journalistic gold that appeared on Page 2 of the Record last week.

Honestly, we're not entirely sure where to begin. The entire thing is fucking hilarious. It starts out promising enough with the sentence "What comes to mind when thinking of Stockton?" Which is probably the most loaded question ever presented in the Record. Lots of things come to mind when we think of Stockton. None of them appear in this column.

But before we get to what we think of Stockton, let's see what Blount thinks of when he thinks of Stockton.

"...perhaps it's University of the Pacific and its Brubeck Jazz Institute."

Yeah, I don't think of UOP when I think Stockton. Mostly because UOP is only barely in Stockton. Which is an impressive feat considering is smack dab in the middle of the city. One time when trolling the recordnet.com message boards I saw somebody refer to UOP as "the island" and I can't think of a better name for it. UOP doesn't represent Stockton at all. Next!

"Some would argue that crime should be synonymous with a city that traditionally ranks near the top of cities its size for crime, according to FBI crime statistics."

This one at least makes a little sense. And to be honest it probably is what most people think of when they think of Stockton. That doesn't make them right, every city has crime problems. Ours is just bigger. Plus that's kind of a depressing way to think of Stockton. Crime shouldn't define any city. Because, again, every city has it. Same with his claim that foreclosures may define Stockton. Although, foreclosures are at least closer to home. (rimshot) But the foreclosures alone aren't what defines this city, but more on that later.

Let's get to what Don Blount thinks of specifically when he thinks of Stockton, and the main reason he's getting the rube distinction this month. We have to warn you though, we don't suggest reading this next part while eating or drinking anything. Hell, if you're chewing gum you might want to take it out and set it on a napkin for a second. The next couple sentences are a severe choking hazard. You've been warned.

"However, let's put some other words to Stockton. Words like: theater, symphony and opera."

Glad I warned you? Yeah, you're welcome.

It's at this point I thought I was reading a satirical column. There's no way somebody is this disconnected from reality. Especially someone who's job is, you know, the fucking news. Sadly, he was dead serious.

Three things: First, we have a fucking opera? Like fat lady in a Viking helmet singing in Italian? Where the fuck is that? Second, symphony? Really? How many Stocktonians have actually been to a Stockton Symphony concert? I'd really like to know the percentage. I've been but that was solely for a music class at Delta. And it was like pulling teeth. It's quite possibly the stuffiest place in Stockton. Oh no! Someone sneezed during the concerto! Time to write a letter to the Record about nobody respecting the symphony! And third, is he just listing shit he goes to in Stockton? Should my list read "bars, strip clubs, and Food 4 Less"?

But hey, let's continue.

"Most of all, the word that applies to Stockton is home."

Awww, how touching. Of course "home" applies to Stockton. So do the words "city" and "area". But please, be more vague.

Finally he kind of sputters out at the end by saying he likes Stockton despite the myriad of problems that afflict the city. Well gee, thanks.

Only a rube would think any of those things actually represent Stockton. Like I've said, I love Stockton. It's a city that grows on you. Sure, initially you see the crime, the foreclosures, the inexplicable spending of tax dollars and think if it wasn't for those things Stockton might be an OK town. Blount said it himself, he likes the city in spite of all the problems that it has. Well you know what? Fuck that. I love this city because of all the problems it has.

Stockton wouldn't be Stockton without all the weird shit that goes on here. Only in Stockton could escape from jail be as easy as switching uniforms and jumping in another line. Only in Stockton would somebody, after successfully escaping from jail, choose to stay in Stockton instead of fleeing to Mexico. Eric Hu's seen Shawshank, right? Apparently Kelly Drive was his Zihuatenejo.

Only in Stockton could a city be so embarrassed of it's residents. It's really Stockton's biggest problem. The city (and when I say "the city" I mean city government, the decision makers) desperately wants to be something it's not. Just look at Blount's column. Opera, theater and, symphony? Is he talking about Stockton or fucking San Francisco? We're never going to be that kind of city. Stockton leaders are like the awkward nerd in high school who, after years of pining, finally worked up the testicular fortitude to ask the head cheerleader out on a date. Only they're getting unmercifully shut down. It's both hilarious and cringeworthy at the same time. We're like every Michael Cera role ever. We're the George Michael Bluth of cities. And I love that about us.

We love that Stockton's the foreclosure capital of the world? Why? Because it shows we're constantly reaching for a better quality of life. And that's what we think of when we think of Stockton. We're the American fucking dream (Not Dusty Rhodes, and yes, we're aware the cheese-o-meter is pegging right about now). We're a patchwork city of people from every corner of the world. Asians, Latinos, African-Americans, white folk all working hard to provide a better future for the next generation. And sometimes that means buying a house you can't afford. It means doing what you can to be able to afford a better quality of life, even if it means signing a mortgage with a ridiculous interest rate that you don't understand and have to work 12 hours a day to afford (Although if you can find a job/jobs with those kinds of hours you're doing better than most Stocktonians). We're a town of scrappy motherfuckers who have to fight for every opportunity.

Hmmm, when I think of Stockton I think of fighters. Where have I heard that before? Oh wait, I said that 6 months ago. And it still rings true today. Sure, foreclosures mean somebody lost their fight for a better quality of life. But I'd much rather have fought and lost than not fought at all.

When people think of Stockton, they're probably going to think negative things. And you know what? If they want to, that's fine. It's understandable. It's easy to think that way. And while this city seems to find new ways to frustrate me every week, I love it so much that I fight through it. Why? Because as a famous Stocktonian once said, "Real fighters are from Stockton."

The rare time an audit is actually a good thing

We've made our views on Delta's spending of bond dollars fairly clear over the past few months. Mostly because we all were attending Delta when Measure L passed. If you listened to anybody working for the college back then they'd tell you that Measure L was going to solve all of Delta's problems.

Obviously that hasn't been the case. And the State Controller's Office's audit of Delta's spending (actual audit can be found here. No, we don't know why the Record couldn't have just provided this link directly either) provides an awesome summary of their fuckups. Including many things that sounds vaguely familiar.

The key fuckup (technical term) has to be this part:

“This audit shows the (Delta College) Board of Trustees disregarded the priority projects reflected in Measure L and the college’s master plan and instead diverted bonds proceeds to build an Olympic-quality track and other athletic facilities."

That's right, instead of spending money on shit Delta actually needed, they spent $11.4 million on state of the art athletic facilities (and fancy electric signs!)....for a community college. Why the fuck does Delta need an Olympic-quality track? They didn't even need a Special Olympic-quality track. State of the art field? For what? Did they add fucking luxury boxes? A third tier of seats?

Even their excuse is bullshit:

"Old fields were uneven and full of potholes, Delta officials wrote in their response to the draft audit."

You know how you fix an old, uneven field full of potholes? You drive down March Lane to Home Depot and buy some sod and a shovel. Total cost? Maybe $100. The only way spending just $1 million makes sense is if Delta's field resembled Heinz Field. Wasn't there some sort of committee to oversee and stop this sort of ridiculous spending?

"Members of a citizen's oversight committee "worked diligently ... to protect the taxpayers," the college said. Auditors found members of this committee made just one site visit more than three years ago."

Wow. Our tax dollars were protected about a much a Ben Rothlisberger is from the blitz (Can you tell we watched the Steelers game yesterday?). And the Delta Trustees rushed through those gaping holes in our offensive line to sack our tax dollars on every fucking play. They duped us. And now they won't even let us discuss possible changes. Which brings us to our last point...

November's Rube(s) of the Month!

What does the Rube of the Month club have to do with Delta's ludicrious misspending of our bond dollars? We had to approve it! Which means that this month's Rube of the Month is anybody who voted "yes" on Measure L! Sorry, but you got duped by the entire Board of Trustees. And, as documented here over the past couple months, they're not even very smart!

Don't worry, being a rube's not that bad. It happens to the best of us. I once bought a cell phone that retailed for $150 for $50 from a kiosk in the front of the Super King. Being the dumbass I am I didn't turn on the phone before buying it. When I got home the screen was so fucked up it looked like I was looking at a negative of the screen. Of course there were no refunds. I promised myself right then and there to never trust an Asian again. And that's what you rubes will probably do. Never trust any bond measure ever again. Sad thing is, the auditors know that too.

"I am concerned the example set by Delta College could endanger voter-approved bond funding for future public works projects."

You fooled us once Detla, shame on fuck you. We kinda doubt you're going to get a chance to fool us twice.

Our first induction into Stockton's rube of the month club

Thanks to the wonderfulness of the internet, I've pretty much heard every scam attempt known to man. Some of the pitches are pretty good, but even with the best ones, you'd have to be a complete moron (or really really old) to buy into any of them. Fortunatly for con artists, Stockton's full of morons (and old people). Case in point, the story today that a man got duped out of $2,000 by a guy who approached him outside of a Home Depot.

After reading the article numerous times, I can only come to the conclusion that this guy is the biggest rube in all of Stockton...for this month. So please join me in welcoming our newest feature...

Stockton's Rube of the Month

Let's break down just how much of a rube he is, shall we?

So here's how the con goes. A 31-year old Stockton man, let's call him "Mark", is approached by a guy in his mid-20s who claims he's leaving for Africa and would like to leave bundles of cash at some church.

Let's break down just the setup first. For one, why was a guy leaving for Africa hanging out in a Home Depot parking lot? Is he leaving the country or looking for work? And Africa? Really? Was he some South African Prince who wanted to leave Mark money after he paid the requisite $2000 transfer fee? Second, and I haven't been to church in a while so I may not be up to speed on how they do things these days, but who donates money by leaving bundles of cash at the door? But let's move on.

During the conversation, another guy comes by to join the conversation. Now this is where it gets really good/confusing. The Africa guy then proceeds to tell the two men that if they can prove they have their own money, he would leave the bundles of "cash" with them.

Ummm, what? So he was going to ditch the church in exchange for giving the money to two dudes he met at a Home Depot? Did he somehow dupe Mark into thinking there was a $2000 transfer fee for leaving bundles of cash on a church doorstep? How the fuck does this part, the key part to the con, make any sort of fucking sense?

Apparently Mark couldn't be bothered with these basic questions involving common sense, he was off to the bank to take out the cash. Which is hilarious because the nearest bank to that Home Depot is either by the Raley's shopping center or the Union Safe/Starbucks over on Hammer and West. Man, for a guy who is in such a rush to get to Africa that he's leaving bundles of cash with strangers he met at a Home Depot, our con man sure is patient.

So patient in fact that when Mark returns with the cash, which was promptly "bundled up" and "handed back" to Mark, the con man decides he's going to go to lunch with the 3rd man who showed up. Which Mark has no problem with as he heads home with bundles that he eventually finds out are full of newspapers (The Coozer is already trying to find a way to add Mark to the Record's circulation numbers).

So let's recap, guy gives guy he met at Home Depot $2000 for alleged bundles of cash that he's being given for no discernable reason. This is pretty much the laziest con of all time. If some guy approached me in a Home Depot parking lot asking for $2000 my house (hypothetical house, I'm not retarded enough to buy property in this area and economic climate) better have a new roof, my parents' house better have a new roof, and his sister better have given me a blumpkin while their mother washed my balls with a towel moistened by Kim Kardashian's ass sweat before he gets any money. Trust me, I've worked at both of Stockton's Home Depots (I've worked everywhere in Stockton), and I wouldn't trust $2000 with the fucking manager (they'd lose the money while changing the schedule for roughly the 837th time that week).

In this economic climate these stories are going to become more and more common as people desperatly search for economic relief any way they can. But just because times are tough, it doesn't mean you shouldn't exercise common sense. If I've said it before, I've said it a thousand times, if it sounds too good to be true, guess what? It is.

By the way, congrats on winning the Mexican lottery. Didn't even know you entered you say? Well don't worry, we'll get you the 800 million pesos as soon as you pony up the $8000 wire transfer fee. Make the check out to "cash" please.