Monday, April 6, 2009

We don't want to repeat ourselves but....

State a motherfucking opinion in your motherfucking columns!

We harped on this as early as 2 weeks ago. And well, we'll continue to do so until somebody at the Record shows they got a pair. Let's run down the list again shall we?

Let's start with Fitzy who's Sunday column seems to be warning us that there are Mexican gangs in Stockton. Allow me this moment of faux indignant surprise...

Whoa whoa whoa ! When the fuck did this happen? Gangs from fucking Mexico? Who would have thought that a town where the majority of the population is Latino would have Latin gangs? Thank you Mike Fitzgerald for bringing this to the attention of the people of Stockton. Without this column people would probably just assume that drugs just magically appear out of thin air. I'm just floored that the Norteños and Sureños aren't some sort of club like the Elk's lodge! Those guys are gangs!? Feuding gangs!? Jesus tittyfucking Christ how are we going to combat this? Quick! Get Commissioner Gordon on the phone right away! We need to alert Batman as soon as fucking possible!

Ok, sorry if that was too sarcastic for you, but I was just flabbergasted when I read that column on Sunday. The whole point of the column as far as I can tell is "there's a Mexican drug war". Which is like saying "the economy's not doing so hot right now" or "the Kings aren't an elite team this year". Shit like that just doesn't need to be said, it's just fucking known. Hell, even my 12-year old sister knows about the gangs in Stockton. Anybody who even takes a cursory glance at McNair High knows there's gangs in Stockton. At the very least, if a column's not going to state an opinion, it needs to be informative. This column was neither. Stay tuned for Fitzy's next column entitled "The Earth is round and the Sun will rise tomorrow morning." Although to be fair Peter King thought that column was a fascinating read.

As useless and insulting as Fitzy's column was, at least he didn't pretend it was anything but informing the people of what they already knew. Editor in Chief Mike Klocke's column seems to just be a laundry of list of shit that sucks right now. Which would be fine if:

A. He didn't just do that 2 weeks ago.

B. Was right about half the items on that list. Like saying there's been an uptick in crime when the crime statistics for last year haven't been officially released yet and preliminary glimpses at crime statistics actually indicate a possible slight downturn in violent crimes. (Not to mention we already know that 2008 had the fewest homicides since the days of Disco)

And C. Actually came through with the opinion the headline teases.

For those too lazy, the headline is "There's really only one way to fix Stockton's huge problems". Which would be a fine headline if he actually presented that one way in the actual column. Is he trying to say we should be more like Tracy? Because we can't. Our problems are inherently different. Tracy's not in the middle of a budget crunch. They're not considering layoffs. They're actually increasing hours for cops to find Sandra Cantu. All shit we can't do.

Is he saying we should band together as a community like Tracy has? That's a nice idea but Ann Johnston's been preaching that for months now and that's not really going to fix the problem, it's just a coping mechanism for us. Which is fine, but everybody helping out their neighbor isn't going to make $31 million dollars magically appear. It isn't going to turn the job market around. It isn't going to make downtown profitable. It will just help us get through these tough times.

The only real solution he does offer is this:

"It's becoming more apparent that the only way out of the fiscal mess is through layoffs or contractual concessions with law enforcement (police and fire)."

So, in other words. They're pretty much fucked. Which we really already knew. And that's really only one solution to the growing list of problems facing Stockton and the World today. Even if PD and FD are forced to take concessions and/or layoffs the economy would still suck. Houses with shaggy lawns will still have For Sale signs in front of them. And city workers will definitely still be pissed off at the City Council. Thanks for offering up even the tiniest sliver of hope and then just reminding us that we're completely and totally fucked Mike. Because it's not depressing enough when those thoughts are in the back of my head, you have to go and bring them to the forefront twice in the span of a month.

And then, well, then we get to Don Blount. Don wants you to know that his credit card number got stolen. Why? Frankly I don't know. Why does Don do anything these days? It's becoming more and more apparent that we missed the mark when coming up with a name for Don's column. It's not "Shit Don Blount Saw" it's like we're reading his fucking diary.

No really, observe.

Dear Diary,

Ted Bestolairdes hasn't apologized to me yet. He's such a meany.

Love, Donny

Dear Diary,

I saw some of those old fashioned typewriters and thought about buying one but I didn't. I showed good self control. I think I deserve some Ben and Jerry's for showing such restraint. Americone Dream is just the best.

Love, Donny

Dear Diary,

Some scary dogs were fighting in my driveway. I scared them off though because I'm so big and strong. By the way, did you know Obama's black like me? It's amazing. I bet Obama could scare off stray dogs too. So in a way, President Obama and I are a lot alike. Kind of like we're related. But not brothers, that would be racist. Gotta go, taking the kids on a hike.

Love, Donny

And of course today's entry...

Dear Diary,

Somebody stole my credit card number! Sure I didn't incur any actual losses and my credit card company caught it really quick but if it could happen to me it could happen to anybody! The internet is a scary place.

Love, Donny

The best part is that last one was actually written like a letter to the identity thief. But god Lord, you're writing for a newspaper Don, not your fucking Twitter feed. Quit using the newspaper to update your family and the rest of the world about what's going on in your life. Noone cares. At least this column was somewhat informative. Even if it did miss simple things like "Make sure your anti-virus software and firewall are up-to-date" and "take precautions to prevent keyloggers". Although, to be fair, high-tech phrases like "firewall" and "keyloggers" probably go right over the heads of the average Record reader. I can just see some 70 year old shut in attempting to set the wall behind her computer on fire to prevent those evil hackers from getting those pictures of her grandson her daughter e-mailed to her that she can't figure out how to access. At least it'd give the Fire Department another reason to say "See! You guys need us!"

And that is how you state a motherfucking opinion.

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