How to act at a bar

I go to bars a lot.  A whole lot.  So I would venture a guess that I know where to go and how to act.  Thursdays have been a no brainer of late, due to College Night, a themed night put on by the Downtown Stockton Alliance and Pacific to try and get more Pacific students out and about in Stockton. 

The first theme night was costume.  Interesting, but nothing to write home about.  The second Thursday was cocktail night.  Now we started to cook with some hot sauce.  You can't go wrong with drink specials and girls in cocktail dresses.  Yesterday was comedy night.  Definitely not the right time or place.

Now, I'm assuming whoever was preforming was absolutely funny.  But, in a bar, on a Thursday, around 10?  People are doing the two things they want to at a bar:  get drunk and try to slam some strange.  So listening to a comedy routine?  Not going to happen.  And, I assumed this was a lot of peoples first time at a bar due to how they were acting, so I wanted to help with some of the douchier points.

1.  If you pack a place for a comedy show, it probably helps if you shut the fuck up so you can hear the routine.

2.  If you stop talking to the girl for 15 seconds, I assume she will still be DTF.  In fact, those 15 seconds might be saving you from saying something stupid and earning you a date with Palmela Handerson.

3.  The easiest way to score is to be an athlete.  Or at least pretend to be one.  In fact, one of us earned a feather in the hat (or notch in the bedpost) by telling a girl he was the starting point guard for Pacific's basketball team.  However, it is still comedy gold to see girls throw themselves on an athlete.  Including those who finished ranked 334485967 in the country after losing in the semi-finals of the collegeinsider.com/San Diego County credit union/whatever basketball tournament.  

4.  If someone is at the bar, ordering at the bar, or sitting at the bar in general, the fastest way to a drink is not through them.  In fact, if you notice, the bartenders tend to make you wait.  Why?  So you quit bothering the guys dropping money and learn some respect and go to a place where no one is standing to get your drink.  And the louder you yell, the more pissed the bartenders are.  And I cant emphasize enough that you want to be on good terms with your bartender.  They remember your drink, refill it when its empty, and pour heavy handed.  This might be the most valuable thing you take from this.

5.   Notice if you keep having to apologize for hitting someone when your talking, you're A.  Italian and B.  A douche.  

And that's just the start of the helpful guide to a good time at the bar.