Quick Links for April 16th

So, Quick Links? Ok, yeah, Quick Links.

What's my favorite word?

So early this morning (ok, around 7, but that's early for me), I got this misleading text message from El Duke that read "Lori Gilbert + rap = comedy gold". Of course, I ran to my computer hoping to see our favorite mature fetishist making a star turn as Queen Laqueefah and was slightly disappointed when that didn't happen. Luckily my disappointment quickly disappeared once I read the headline to her latest article, "Poets slam together rap form, gender issues". Yes, my disappointment was replaced by complete and utter confusion. Poetry AND rap form? Isn't that just called hip-hop? And it's at that point I realized Lori Gilbert was going to be writing about gender issues (a subject in which she doesn't exactly have the best track record) and rap music, which is fitting considering she's probably the only writer less equipped than Tony "Dino" Sauro to write about that subject (and it shows as she pretty much abandons that topic 3 paragraphs in). In other words, this was going to be hilarious.

And it was. It didn't even take 3 paragraphs to elicit a chuckle from me. Mostly this passage:

"The broad view of rap is that it's misogynistic..."

Which is almost immediately followed by this:

"'I never heard that thing about rap,' said Gesine Gerhard, director of Pacific's gender studies program."

It's always nice when an expert in gender studies contradicts your misogyny allegations in their very first quote. Look, we're not saying there aren't misogynistic rap lyrics (after all, the answer to the name of the Too Short song about is "bitch" or more phonetically "beee-yatch!"), but to say that the broad view of rap is that is misogynistic is misleading at best. That's the view old white people have of rap. Mostly because they've listened to one, maybe two rap songs in their entire lives. They don't understand hip hop culture.

But then we get into the discussion about the differences between hip hop and rap (and there is a difference), and that takes us wayyyyy off topic. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that rap really isn't any more misogynistic than any other form of music. Like any form of music it's representative of its culture. And while we as a culture have made great strides in terms of equality, those issues are still there. We're not saying rappers who have derogatory lyrics about women are all socially conscious and trying to bring inequality to the forefront, we're just saying they're representing a part of our culture regardless of how ignorant it is.

Rap has always reflected culture, and a lot of the time it's a part of culture we're not particularly proud of. There's the racial/political issues tackled in the 80s by Public Enemy. Or there's Ice T's "Cop Killer" in which he unleashes his pent up rage at the police for multitude of reasons by cathartically shouting "Fuck the police!" Rap, hip-hop, whatever the fuck you want to call it, is fucking raw. Which is something we may have forgotten recently amongst the overproduced bullshit unleashed upon us by noted gay fish Kanye West.

The worst part about that entire rap rant I just went on? It has nothing to do with the rest of that article because it's actually about a fucking poetry slam, which besides being similar lyrically, has absolutely nothing to do with rap. So why was rap even brought up in this article? Because somebody wanted to make a comment about gender roles in what is otherwise a straight forward article previewing a poetry slam. In other words, Lori Gilbert threw in unresearched bullshit and straight up stated her opinion in an article. Which I hear may be against a main point of journalism or something. Told you she had a poor track record writing about gender issues. But hey, at least you can treat this as the piece on rap and gender issues that the headline of that article teased but didn't follow through with.

Lodi taking progressive steps towards medical pot use? Did I step into the Twilight Zone or something?

So, let me get this straight, because there are no local zoning laws regarding medical marijuana dispensaries, that gives the Lodi City Council the right to impose a moratorium on them for up to 2 years to decide create those zoning laws? Lodi doesn't have pharmacies? Or medical supply stores? Bullshit. Half that town is fucking assisted living communities. They're just scared of what might happen based on archaic views of pot being a "gateway drug" and based on what one dumbass did in Modesto (long story short, he got greedy).

And judging by the report from Lodi Police Chief David Main, they'll be citing the fuck ups more than the people who genuinely need medical marijuana and have to drive to fucking Sacramento to do so. So we're not in the Twilight Zone after all. It's just another day of typical conservative Lodi bullshit.

Using this doll, point to where this woman touched you. Even though we have absolutely no information to indicate that she may have

In what can only be described as a throwback to the initial search for Cantu's body, the Tracy police department is once again admitting that they don't know shit and are now asking the community through the newspaper if they were also "inappropriately contacted" by Melissa Huckaby. Because crowd sourcing the investigation totally worked during the search for Cantu's body. So in 2 weeks look out for some immigrant workers who will come forward and say they found three girls who admitted to being touched by Huckaby (presumably via erotic shoulder rub). God, why won't this story end? Oh hey, what's this? Sandra who?

Here's what we missed...

Sometime we get busy around here and stories fall through the cracks. Here's a couple stories that we missed (including one from today!) in a feature I'm pretty sure we call What We Missed.
Sarcasm only works in writing when the author is good at both writing and sarcasm. Don Blount isn't good at either

Bad sarcasm aside, let's move to the most important part. Where Don Blount comes from, a group of armed dudes wearing similar clothing patrolling the seedier areas of town in their cars is called the Klan. But we're not in where Don Blount comes from. We're in where Slick Diaz comes from. And where I come from, a group of armed dudes wearing similar clothing patrolling dangerous areas in their cars are called fucking GANGS.

What's that? They can't be because they're old and white? Racist!

Situations like the one surrounding the formation of the SAM are the exact same situations gangs are formed. Community members feel abandoned by the people meant to protect them so they take the law into their own hands and protect themselves and their community. Sound familiar? That's because that's exactly what the SAM is doing. And it's also how the gangs they're so hot to combat got started too.

While we can appreciate what Blount was going for, even if the entire column was borderline unreadable, likening the SAM to the Ku Klux Klan is just short sighted for multiple reasons. The biggest one being the fact that the Klan is such a lightening rod of hate that whatever argument Blount was trying to make (no matter how valid) was lost because people see the word "Klan" and go into some sort of knee jerk defense mode. Which (surprise!) is exactly what happened.

A much much much much much much (much much much ) better choice of words would have been to liken them to gangs. Or, if Blount was really set on comparing them to another group of white people, old timey gangsters. You know, the Godfather kind. Those gangs/families also formed to protect their neglected immigrant community. Sure, they're glorified now in movies and on TV, but it's still better than conjuring up images of the KKK. Doing that's almost as bad an idea as patrolling the dangerous streets of Stockton with loaded weapons and no training.

Irony alert!

While Tara Cuslidge writing about her old journalism teacher getting an award seems somewhat conflict of interesty, it's overshadowed by the hilarity of a column preaching diversity in journalism appearing in the Record. We'd outline the Record's history in diversity but if you've been reading this site (or even just the Record for that matter) you know the Record caters to one group and one group alone, rich old white people.

Ok fine, you want an example. How about the ridiculous over-coverage of minor league hockey while a popular Latino fighter spends the weekend earning a decisive victory over one of his sport's legends and only gets two paragraphs in a sports round up?

Or how about the fact that nobody's flipping out about the Cougars actually leaving town but everybody's shitting themselves over the Thunder just being put up for sale?

Or, you know, spending 2 weeks covering that Cantu case even though there was about 2 days worth of information released? Or the Record's apparent decision that the local music scene wasn't worth it and that Ian Hill was better suited standing outside a courthouse shooting video of an uninformative press conference.

And then there's always the fact that if you're a non-athlete above 17 and under 50 the only way you're getting in the paper is sending something to myRecord, while Lori Gilbert regularly writes about old people for doing shit like waiting tables and not dying (except for that one woman who actually died).

So yeah, it's ironic that the Record is writing about diversity when it's anything but. Hilarious, ain't it?

Quick Links for St. Patrick's Day with a bonus Top 5!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Quick Links time.

Because if there's one thing we need on TV, it's more reality shows

Hey, you know what we need? A really boring sports-related reality show. Out of the 3 major sports, which is the lowest rated? Basketball? Ok, that's not boring enough. What if we made it women's basketball? The WNBA's ratings have steadily declined every year it's been in existence. That's a perfect boring reality show! But wait, that Candace Parker might actually be the Jordan with (c-cup) tits that the WNBA has needed for years. We can't take the chance that this show could be good. What about women's college basketball? Wait, their skill level is too high. Somebody might actually be entertained. What's a level of competition that noone outside scouts and parents care about? I got it! High school women's basketball! And better yet, we'll make it a sheltered private school so the smallest percentage of Americans can identify with these girls!

Yeah, if you couldn't tell, we think this is the worstest idea ever presented of all time...ever! It's so bad that, even before he'd read it, I asked Bris for his worst idea for a reality show and his response was "Knight School" but for women's basketball. Which is sadly way too close to reality. While we understand this series is probably destined for Lifetime, if anywhere, and is in no way anywhere near our demographic (which is funny since we're basketball die hards), I still decided to get the brain trust together for a mini top 5.

Top 5 things we'd rather watch than Nationally Ranked

El Duke: I'd rather watch a full season of America's Next Top Granny Porn Star than this shit.

Bris Isaak: I'd rather watch Lori Gilbert go down on her life partner.

Slick: I'd rather watch a locally-based version of The Hills, presumably called "The Foothills".

El Duke: I'd rather watch a remake of The Godfather staring Dane Cook as Don Corleone.

Slick: I'd rather sit through an entire Jonas Brothers concert.

Although, to be fair, Bris noted he is interested in seeing how St. Mary's coach Tom Gonsalves justifies implementing a full court press when his team is up by double digits.

Talk about last second...

Buried beneath the second page of Don Blount's review of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" (isn't relationship humor hilarious? And yes, this is the return of shit Don Blount saw), is actual news. Thanks Record redesign! KRS-One is coming to Stockton....tomorrow. Yes, in a turnaround that would make E-40 jealous, the show was just announced today and takes place at 9 p.m. tomorrow. This is kind of a big deal considering The Blastmaster is one of hip hop legends and he changed the face of battle rapping as we know it. Not to mention he's one of the few socially conscious rappers left. What? Did you forget that rap can have a message? Either way, this show is going to kick ass.

Going back to the well

Lori Gilbert took a break from writing about her favorite subject to write about the state journalism last week, this week she's back inside her wheelhouse. Although this time her subject is slightly younger than her average subjects, she's only 50. Unfortunately that subject is a fucking doll. Lori reveals her painfully lonely childhood (and considering she kept them and felt the need to bring them to the newsroom, adulthood as well) of playing with dolls. It's typical boring Lori Gilbert bullshit. And I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Ok, that's it for today. I can't believe I haven't had a drink yet today. Fucking work.

The only time I'll probably ever partially agree with Lori Gilbert. Ever.

If you don't know what subject/story I'm tackling today, then you must be very new to the site. Hi, I'm El Duke. Nice to meet you. Now everybody please turn to Page A2. Yes, for one Lori Gilbert's not writing about old, dying people. She's writing about an old, dying profession.

Ok, I'm kidding of course. Journalism isn't dying. There will always be a need for someone to chronicle the events of our time. I could spend the next many paragraphs talking about how journalism is a job of passion, how you don't become a writer for the money, that you could work tirelessly for 10 years and then all of the sudden you're back at square one and I probably will get to that. But first I have to point out a couple of things from Gilbert's column.

First and foremost, Bill Davis' Mass Comm class isn't always full because of the quality of the class. While it is a fantastic class that I really enjoyed taking and would suggest to all of my friends, the reason it's always at it's 50-student limit is because it's a prerequisite or fairly easy elective for multiple degrees.

If you want to see the true interest in the profession of journalism you have to look to Mass Comm 2. A class that I tried to take multiple times but only actually took once because the class was never full enough to actually warrant having the class. Or look at the Impact/Collegian, when I was there the class never really topped 20 people. Again, that's not an indictment of Davis' ability. I credit the man with reenergizing my passion for journalism, but to present the Mass Comm class size as an example of the droves of kids who are essentially screwed if they're set on being in print is misleading at best.

Also in the Delta vein, we've heard whispers of a rumor that the Collegian might actually be going under. Possibly to become a club instead of a class. None of us really felt like running with it since rumors aren't really our thing, but if we've heard the rumor there's a good chance others have. I hate to break it to you guys, but we don't exactly have super secret inside sources. If we hear something, chances are everybody's heard it. So if you're doing to do a column about the sad state of print journalism, and you're interviewing the advisor and writers for a paper that's being dogged by rumors of shutting down, you should probably ask them about that. And probably mention it in your column.

Another thing, and this is just me nitpicking really, if you're going to mention the Pacifican (UOP's student newspaper) in the Record, it's probably a good idea to mention that it's Editor in Chief Devon Blount is the daughter of Shit seeer, January Rube of the Month and Record Managing Editor Don Blount. Granted Gilbert didn't quote her or anything, but some disclosure may have been necessary.

Now that I've gotten those out of the way I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do. Say something nice about something Lori Gilbert wrote. In the end she gets it right. While it's a scary time for any profession economically, in the end it boils down to passion. Nobody, I repeat, nobody gets into journalism for the money. Even before the recession, unless you're Bill Simmons or Rick Reilly you ain't gettin' paid shit. If you become a writer it's because you love writing. Hell, I can't even explain why I love doing this shit. I just do. And while everybody wants to talk gloom and doom about ad sales and readership plummeting and all the other shit, at the end of the day even the staunchest of newspaper supporters has to agree this is an exciting as shit time to be in the journalism field.

Look, I understand where all the old, crusty newspaper people are coming from. Shit's been the same forever and they don't want to change now. I get it, change can be scary. Especially because those changes could possibly mean losing their jobs. But, for those willing to learn, for those really into journalism for the love of it I can't think of a better time to be around. People debate the journalistic integrity of self-publishing, the lack of oversight, blogs whatever the fuck you want to call it but they're most people in that discussion miss the bigger picture. We're redefining journalism right now. It's truly becoming a multimedia field. Instead of being handcuffed to the print medium or to TV or radio, the world is a journalist's oyster. If you can't get excited by that, you're in it for the wrong reasons.

So while it's easy to ask why somebody would possibly push someone towards a field with such an initially bleak outlook, anybody with a true passion for the field of journalism can't help but be even a little bit exciting about the prospects for the future. Which I guess in the end means I disagree with Lori Gilbert (whew, all is right with the world). We shouldn't be asking "How could teachers push someone towards this profession" because why wouldn't they want to? It's one of the best times to be journalist...as long as you don't mind not making any money.

Quick Links for Feb. 26th

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won't you please take me...to the Quick Links!

When did the Record learn how to use technology?

Today's State of the City address is apparently being liveblogged by the Record. Ian Hill's at it and David Siders should show up shortly if he's not there already. Mayor Johnston's also allegedly coming by, because if there's one voice that she needs to hear, it's the voice of the biased, racist commenters on Recordnet.com. I'd pop in and participate, but I have work. Somebody tell us how it went. (Update: Ok, so I poked my head in for a sec. I couldn't help myself. It looked about as exciting as a liveblog about a speech would. Plus the SaveStockton guy was there. They were using Cover It Live! so all the comments had to be approved. Which was probably the reason there were so few reader comments. But that's probably a good thing.)

We're gonna need more than this if we want to land Robocop

Christian Burkin breaks down a brochure advertising the Stockton Police Chief job in his latest blog post. Suspiciously missing? Any mention of our violent crime rate. They also say the budget is just over $100 mil when in reality it's just under $100 mil with more cuts coming. Either way it's an interesting read. One would think the search for a new police chief wouldn't resemble a Cragslist personal ad so much.

On a side note, we'd like to ask McClane to say hi to Carl Winslow for us. Now there's a guy who should be police chief. You could pay him in Twinkies!

Ok, so we lied Lori. There won't be any pie. This is an intervention.

Lori, we're here because we love you. Ok, we don't really. We wish you would disappear forever, but we're here to help you. You have a problem, and it's hurting the people around you. Not just your family, friends, and co-workers who have to deal with the constant questions of "Why did Lori write about a dead person turning 100?", but you're also hurting old people. You're making them believe that their stories are interesting, and giving them false hope is mean. Plus, they might start blathering on about their life story to random strangers because they now feel that since they made it in the paper, everybody wants to hear their life story. And we don't. I don't even listen to my Grandpa's stories and he's talking about people I actually know.

I know, it's going to be tough, but you have to get help. This fetish is getting to be too much. I don't think you've written about anybody under the age of 50 since we pointed out your affinity for the elderly. And while we appreciate your efforts to prove us right, frankly we worry about your mental health. Of course being somewhat close to SF, we've learned to accept people for who they are despite whatever weird proclivities they might have. So maybe, instead of quitting old people cold turkey, you could get a job writing the newsletter for a retirement community. Perhaps you could take some time off and write a book of stories old people tell you. Like Tuesdays with Morrie minus the inspiration and anything remotely interesting.

But whatever you do, for the love of Wally stop writing this shit for the Record. It's nowhere near the realm of relevancy.

Quick Links for Feb. 24th (aka the beginning of Mandolph Mania!)

Hey, what's that over there? (Points behind you) Quick Links!

So what you're saying is this crazy old man is a crazy old man?

Don't you just love contentious old people? This guy gets caught with a stockpile of guns that would give a trailer park a boner yet he's still hootin' and hollerin' like the feeble gun nut that he is. I'd try and use reason but, let's face it, that crazy old coot doesn't dwell in the realm of common sense. He had 600 guns on a ranch (which we will from now on be calling a "compound" to make him seem crazier.) out in the foothills. Why? I'm assuming "gun collector" is code for "secessionist" and he's preparing for the South to rise again or something.

But that's not the point. The point is his lawyer knew damn well how batshit crazy this guy was. He's claiming he can't afford a new attorney yet he owns a fucking compound (see? Works, doesn't it?) in the foothills! You knew what you were getting into when you took that old dude's $15,000 Mr. Foley (sadly, not Mick Foley). Shouting, being combative and belligerent, making derogatory statements; these are things old people do! You try shooting sunshine out your ass when you turn 80.

My grandpa is a cantankerous old religious fart, do I fault him for that? No. He's like 1000, he gets a pass. For all Buller knows he's just breaking some balls. His quote said he thought he and his lawyer were friends. I don't know what you do with your friends, but when I'm kicking it with Bris Isaak I break that fat fuck's balls pretty much non-stop. Old people are notoriously lonely, and if you don't believe me go sit at the counter at Denny's for about 20 minutes and you'll know what I mean. Buller just wanted a friend to crack on while sipping cognac and shooting at paint cans with the gun that killed Lincoln. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, this can't be real

This is probably too soon, but I'm going for it anyway. Plus, we're pretty sure it's a typo. But either way, Houston Mandolph is the awesomest porn star name ever. When I'm on vacation next week I'm totally introducing myself to random bar strange as Houston Mandolph. Even if it does kind of sound like a name for an actor in movies with all male casts (like Glengarry Glen Ross, but reimagined kind of like The Wiz). Oh, and condolences to the Mandolphs.

I wanna die with dignity, the way God intended. By falling down in the shower and getting found three weeks later so swelled up they won't know if I'm sofa or man.

Ok, what the fuck's going on. Black guy in the White House, euthanasia debate, shitty alternative bands raping my ears via the radio, a sub-10,000 Dow Jones, outrage of the closure of See's Candies; was I magically transported back to the 90s or something?

I'm a huge supporter of euthanasia because I believe people should be able to go out on their terms. El Duke says the most consistent advice he got from the elderly while working in medical supplies was "Don't get old." At first he would laugh it up as if they were joking, but he quickly realized it wasn't a joke because he heard that bit of advice literally every day. Getting old blows, and if you look to the other side of the A1 section, you'll see it's fucking expensive too.

Why spend a shitload of money to spend the rest of your life sitting in your own feces while mustering up the courage to yell at those darkies to stop selling drugs on the street corner. They won't listen, they never do. They just say "Fuck you old man!" and then threaten to beat your ass. Then, before you know it, your only friend is your stupid Jew lawyer who will eventually stop representing you because you called him your stupid Jew lawyer one too many times That sound like a rich, fulfilling life to you?

Of course that's for other people. Me? I'm going to enjoy getting old. I'm spending my formative years living through the New Depression. No generation that will be alive while I am will have it harder than mine. "Oh, you think you have it so tough having to pay 10 cents per view to watch fuckable hologram porn? Back in aught nine porn was in 2-D and you had to cut your own hole in the magazine! And we had to walk 9 miles in the snow uphill both ways to get it!" It's going to be awesome.

This is getting way too easy

I didn't even have to read this article to know subject was old. I just skimmed the article for his age and name. He's 60. That's old. Keep that streak alive Lori! But, in an example of the shitty journalistic standards that graced her sports column, she neglects to find out "Cowboy's" real name. I actually had to go back an read the entire boring, completely useless column to see if I missed it. I didn't. She finds out where he's from, how old he his, who his wife is, and where she works but she refers to him as "Cowboy" throughout the entire column and it's distracting. Not to mention just fucking stupid. I guess they can't all be Mandolphs.

Rumors of grand, showy, empty gesture at State of the City address...wait, I thought Chavez left

The State of the City address is Thursday, and it promises to be the non-event it always is. Times are tough, we can pull through, take responsibility, blah blah blah . But wait, what's this in the comments?

"Feb-23 - w84urma — According to a City Hall source, the Mayor is going to announce the council has agreed to forgo their council pay and take the lead in the budget crisis. Bravo Council!!!!"

Oh hey! A savvy but largely empty PR move! Awesome! That's how a Real Stocktonian would do the State of the City address after all. Of course, rumors started by internet commenters should always be treated as "probably false". But I figured I'd pass it along. If for no other reason than to get you over to Siders' blog. Which is loaded with interesting posts as usual.

Oh sure, it may help lay the groundwork to stabilize the economy, but WHAT ABOUT THE TREES!!!???

Nevermind the fact that we're $30 mil in the hole, every other house seems to have a for sale sign in front of it, or that businesses are closing every week; why didn't Obama think about the trees!? Yes, while everything else is fucked 6 ways til Sunday, Mike Fitzgerald wants to know why the stimulus package does jack shit for our "dying urban forest". Yeah, he tackles the important issues on his blog. On a side note, are we the only ones who think Ann Johnston's "We blew it" was meant to be sarcastic but Fitzy didn't notice because he was too busy renewing his subscription to Sunset magazine? They're fucking trees, and we live in California. Big Trees is an hour away. Fuck the urban forest, try a real forest. That's why it's federally-protected and the trees in Stockton aren't.

Quick Links for Sexy Friday the 13th

Damn, this week went by fast and slow all at the same time. Is that even possible? Either way I'm fucking beat and can't wait to sleep in until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow, followed by drinking myself silly and trying to pick up the hottest depressed chick at the bar for some lonely, Valentines Day "I'd pretty much fuck anything" sex. God I love the holidays. You know what I also love? The Quick Links.

The generation will be shaped by the events that affected them!

Wow, I'm really glad this economist came by Stockton to tell us this important, startling information. Who know that the shit that happens to us affects what we do?

It's shit like that that makes me hate rich, white people. Here we are, ground fucking zero for pretty much the whole shebang, and they need to have a seminar at the Country Club of all places to find out that people are altering their spending habits because of the recession? The worst part has top be his examples of the changes the recession has forced us to make. Like this nugget:

If they are staying somewhere less than two years, he said, they will probably just rent instead of buying a home.

Are you fucking kidding me? Besides our former mayor, who does this? If I'm buying a home I'm pretty much planting a flag and saying "I'm in this shit for the long haul". But please Mr. Economist-guy, continue. What do you think is the root cause for this economic downturn?

"Housing and credit are at the center of this cycle," he said.

Wow, you can only get that kind of sound financial analysis from any TV that gets MSNBC. Our spending habits are changing, don't buy a house if you plan on moving in 2 years, housing and credit are to blame for the recession; man, with this kind of quality advice one has to wonder how he's doing financially.

Mitchell admitted, to laughter from the audience, that this is an amazing time for an economist, who gets up every day to another major round of economic news. "It doesn't get any better than this."

No wonder his advice is so generic and obvious, he's not experiencing a recession, we're the ones experiencing a recession. Then we pay the guy to tell us so. Can we put retardation at the center of the cycle too. Fuck, I should become an economist.

Oh sweet, elevator music!

It took me a second to realize that "Time Out" wasn't a new album Brubeck was debuting, it's an album released 50 years ago. So we gotta ask, what's the big fucking deal? Dave Brubeck, again, doesn't even fucking live here. He's not a famous Stocktonian. Shit, he's not even a Stocktonian. He just went to school here, stop blowing his wrinkled, old cock for once and realize this isn't anything resembling news. If this were any other band, say, The Who deciding to perform Tommy it's entirety, it would maybe make it on the 3-Minute Record. And The Who are like infinity-times more awesome than Dave Brubeck. Way to cater to old fogeys. Hey, speaking of old fogeys...

Lori Gilbert's just making this way too easy

If she's not writing about old people, she's writing about old people movies. I thought that Dave Brubeck thing from above had questionable newsworthiness but this has absolutely none. It's pretty much "Hey, the Hope is playing old people shit like usual" with the history of the movie thrown in to make it seem like an actual article.

And don't even get us started on that bullshit "Hollywood terms" wire story that's on the front of the LENS section. Remember when Friday's usually meant there was something informative about local shit? Yeah, it was nice, wasn't it? Now? We get shit like "Musician uses Web as springboard". Holy fuck! You can use the internet to network and help bolster your image? I thought it was just there to do research and look up porn. It's not like the Record has its own website who's specific purpose is to act as a springboard for local musicians.

Can we just rename the LENS section "Bullshit features plus the comics"? It's beginning to rival the Sports section for most useless section of the Record. Which I guess isn't saying much since it's only a 3 horse race now. But still, doesn't the "E" in LENS stand for entertainment? Write about something entertaining! We know you know how because of the aforementioned 209Vibe and the fact that half the online-only stories on Recordnet's entertainment section are local show previews and reviews.

In short, fuck the Record. Thank God It's Sexy Friday.

Lori Gilbert: Senoir citizen fetishist

Lori Gilbert needs to be stopped. I don't know if we need to get rhino tranquilizers or if we just need to lure her into a cage with the smell of Bengay and unclipped coupons, but this has to end. Lori Gilbert's fascination with old people needs to stop.

If she wants to live out her days chronicling the stories of the county's incontinent that's fine, just go become a biographer. This shit is boring as fuck. If I wanted to read about people who smell like death I would read the obituaries. I understand the Record's readership is mostly the people Gilbert writes about, but shouldn't they be writing stories to help expand the Record's readership? I hate to be the one to break this to the Record's marketing department, but contests alone don't bring in new readers. Interesting stories about interesting shit does!

But I would like to thank Lori for only waiting 2 days to prove my point. She is officially 1 or 2 more stories away from making this a full blown fetish.

When did Lori Gilbert join the senior tour?

In slightly less miserable news (but only very slightly considering the subject matter), we have a question about Lori Gilbert. Gilbert was removed from the Sports section earlier last year in what can only be described as a mercy killing and shipped off to the obscurity of the LENS section to write soft features. Because if there's one thing the Record needed, it was another feature writer.

I haven't had much of a problem with her since the move. Her sports writing was awful. The classic example I use is the time she set feminism back 50 years by claiming Mike Gundy was being sexist for tearing into a female journalist for criticizing a college athlete. Something we did to Bob Highfill just last week. But hey, equality schmiquality. We await Gilbert's bitching diatribe about how we're biased against fat, old dudes who's facial expressions never change.

So the fact that she's gone from the sports page made her easier to ignore. Mostly because it was easy to pick her apart based on fact in her sports columns because we know an assload about sports. Notsomuch with her new beat. Which brings me to the question I have.

When did Lori Gilbert get put on the old lady beat?

It's taken me a while to notice this, because I largely ignore her work in the LENS section. But since they've been putting her on the new "Page 2" thingy, her subject matter just kind of falls and can't get up jumps out at you.

Here's a sampling of just the past 2 months. There's the 80-year old Denny's waitress from today's Record which has no discernable point beyond that fact that old people apparently can hold jobs. Then a column about quilting which pretty much speaks for itself. Then there's the time she caught up with a member of the old Stockton chapter of the Mickey Mouse Club. And that time she talked to a 100-year old lady.

She's averaging two columns about old fogeys a month. And these are just the columns I pulled from her Lifestyle columnist page. I didn't even attempt to look at the actual articles she wrote. I'm glad she's gone from the sports page and all, but come on. This is a bit much.

Lori Gilbert devours entire LENS page, and Brian McCoy

We're pretty sure we've made our utter contempt for Lori Gilbert's writing known. She hasn't really given us much to post about because she left the Sports page earlier this year (Thank you oh merciful God). Since she left the realm of sports and moved to the entertainment/LENS section we've pretty much found her easily ignorable since all she does now is write soft features about shit nobody cares about. Then we turned to today's LENS section, which can be summed up in 3 words. Just fucking ridiculous.

(Almost as ridiculous as the fact that the 3 stories that grace the front of the LENS section aren't all available on the Entertainment homepage of recordnet.com.)

In the past we've bitched about the Record's overreliance on AP stories, but if a full page of Lori Gilbert is the result, then please give us another bland run down of the shitty new CW shows. Tell us about garage sale season again. Have Tony Sauro tell us a story about how he once did coke with Stills and Nash, but not David Crosby because he was totally demolishing some groupie tail. Fuck, sell the whole page as ad space. The stories she wrote are pretty much ad copy for some bad play anyway. Quit falling alseep at the wheel McCoy. Just because you're moving on doesn't mean you get to phone it in. And yes, subjecting us to a full page of that crap is phoning it in.