Sometime we get busy around here and stories fall through the cracks. Here's a couple stories that we missed (including one from today!) in a feature I'm pretty sure we call What We Missed.
Sarcasm only works in writing when the author is good at both writing and sarcasm. Don Blount isn't good at either
Bad sarcasm aside, let's move to the most important part. Where Don Blount comes from, a group of armed dudes wearing similar clothing patrolling the seedier areas of town in their cars is called the Klan. But we're not in where Don Blount comes from. We're in where Slick Diaz comes from. And where I come from, a group of armed dudes wearing similar clothing patrolling dangerous areas in their cars are called fucking GANGS.
What's that? They can't be because they're old and white? Racist!
Situations like the one surrounding the formation of the SAM are the exact same situations gangs are formed. Community members feel abandoned by the people meant to protect them so they take the law into their own hands and protect themselves and their community. Sound familiar? That's because that's exactly what the SAM is doing. And it's also how the gangs they're so hot to combat got started too.
While we can appreciate what Blount was going for, even if the entire column was borderline unreadable, likening the SAM to the Ku Klux Klan is just short sighted for multiple reasons. The biggest one being the fact that the Klan is such a lightening rod of hate that whatever argument Blount was trying to make (no matter how valid) was lost because people see the word "Klan" and go into some sort of knee jerk defense mode. Which (surprise!) is exactly what happened.
A much much much much much much (much much much ) better choice of words would have been to liken them to gangs. Or, if Blount was really set on comparing them to another group of white people, old timey gangsters. You know, the Godfather kind. Those gangs/families also formed to protect their neglected immigrant community. Sure, they're glorified now in movies and on TV, but it's still better than conjuring up images of the KKK. Doing that's almost as bad an idea as patrolling the dangerous streets of Stockton with loaded weapons and no training.
Irony alert!
While Tara Cuslidge writing about her old journalism teacher getting an award seems somewhat conflict of interesty, it's overshadowed by the hilarity of a column preaching diversity in journalism appearing in the Record. We'd outline the Record's history in diversity but if you've been reading this site (or even just the Record for that matter) you know the Record caters to one group and one group alone, rich old white people.
Ok fine, you want an example. How about the ridiculous over-coverage of minor league hockey while a popular Latino fighter spends the weekend earning a decisive victory over one of his sport's legends and only gets two paragraphs in a sports round up?
Or how about the fact that nobody's flipping out about the Cougars actually leaving town but everybody's shitting themselves over the Thunder just being put up for sale?
Or, you know, spending 2 weeks covering that Cantu case even though there was about 2 days worth of information released? Or the Record's apparent decision that the local music scene wasn't worth it and that Ian Hill was better suited standing outside a courthouse shooting video of an uninformative press conference.
And then there's always the fact that if you're a non-athlete above 17 and under 50 the only way you're getting in the paper is sending something to myRecord, while Lori Gilbert regularly writes about old people for doing shit like waiting tables and not dying (except for that one woman who actually died).
So yeah, it's ironic that the Record is writing about diversity when it's anything but. Hilarious, ain't it?
Showing posts with label old people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label old people. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Quick Links for April 14th
It's time for everybody's favorite lazy space filler, Quick Links!
Isn't this how movie supervillians start?
Well, it finally happened. Alan Pettet's most credible supporter, his lawyer/friend Ron Stein admitted that his involvement in the Stockton ArmedGang Militia was meant to be satirical. Because, you know, the Record's basically an unfunny version of the Onion at this point. Yes, in a move that seems to indicate backlash from his employer/clients (or somebody just smacking him on the back of the head and saying "what the matter with you?"), Stein called the proposed militia ridiculous and is "off the ship". Which we can imagine his pal Pettet loved.
There's no way to know how this truly went down, but I like to imagine a meek Stein walking into a dark, cavernous room and saying "Al, I can't do this anymore. It's too risky." While an already corrupted by power Pettet slowly turns around in his electric wheelchair while petting the cat in his lap and says "Too risky? It's too late for too risky! You've seen the attention this thing's gotten! I'm gonna be on Limbaugh! We have hundreds of followers! Hundreds! We can't turn our backs on them now!" Then a cowering Stein says, "But, but Alan, I thought we agreed this was just a joke. It's getting out of hand. Nobody takes me seriously as a lawyer anymore." Which would naturally be followed by an enraged Pettet saying "Joke? This is no joke. It's bigger than the both of us now. You want to leave? Fine. You disgust me." Then he would turn back around and gaze longingly into the fireplace while descending further into madness.
Yes, I have too much free time on my hands.
Why must you crush my dreams Record!?
Well, after cleaning up the awards last week, this week crime statistics continue to decline. While auto theft isn't a violent crime, it does show that crime in general is on the decline. Plus, the article later states that, just in the first 3 months of 2009, violent crimes are down 11%.
This was a big list though. This isn't just auto theft rate in California, this is a nationwide list. And we let fucking Modesto beat us. Modesto. It's hard to see such a promising ex-champion fall from grace like this. Especially on such a grand stage. But we'll be back, I have faith.
On a side note, with violent crime down 11%, property crime down 21.4%, and auto thefts down 27% do we really need a group of vigilantes patrolling the streets? Crime's not exactly on the rise and throwing a bunch of dudes on the street with guns can really only raise the crime rate...wait a minute. That might just be the thing to salvage our title chances! Militias for everybody! 200+ homicides has to bring the title home. It just has to.
This might just save newspapers
Sometimes, in pursuit of an angle to a story or a gimmick, we forget things. Since we started our crusade to end the string of Lori Gilbert penned stories about old people, we forgot that in the right light old people can be downright adorable. Stories about how old people are still useful aren't adorable and are frankly kind of insulting to our county's elderly. What is adorable? Old playing video games. Serious, go look at the main picture attached to this story and tell me that old lady with her tongue sticking out in deep concentration isn't the cutest thing you've seen since myRecord.
I'm deeply disappointed there wasn't a video to compliment this story as watching two old dudes engage in a friendly bout of video game fisticuffs would have been the best thing Recordnet's ever produced. Seriously, tell Tara Cuslidge to stop acting as the word's most expensive tape recorder for reporters and have her start videotaping these bowling matches. Speed them up to double speed in post and add the Benny Hill theme, post it to the Online Blog and you've got yourself a bona fide viral video. It'll be the funniest thing on that blog since Cuslidge's "Sandra Cantu happened to me!" post, only this time it'll be intentional!
Isn't this how movie supervillians start?
Well, it finally happened. Alan Pettet's most credible supporter, his lawyer/friend Ron Stein admitted that his involvement in the Stockton Armed
There's no way to know how this truly went down, but I like to imagine a meek Stein walking into a dark, cavernous room and saying "Al, I can't do this anymore. It's too risky." While an already corrupted by power Pettet slowly turns around in his electric wheelchair while petting the cat in his lap and says "Too risky? It's too late for too risky! You've seen the attention this thing's gotten! I'm gonna be on Limbaugh! We have hundreds of followers! Hundreds! We can't turn our backs on them now!" Then a cowering Stein says, "But, but Alan, I thought we agreed this was just a joke. It's getting out of hand. Nobody takes me seriously as a lawyer anymore." Which would naturally be followed by an enraged Pettet saying "Joke? This is no joke. It's bigger than the both of us now. You want to leave? Fine. You disgust me." Then he would turn back around and gaze longingly into the fireplace while descending further into madness.
Yes, I have too much free time on my hands.
Why must you crush my dreams Record!?
Well, after cleaning up the awards last week, this week crime statistics continue to decline. While auto theft isn't a violent crime, it does show that crime in general is on the decline. Plus, the article later states that, just in the first 3 months of 2009, violent crimes are down 11%.
This was a big list though. This isn't just auto theft rate in California, this is a nationwide list. And we let fucking Modesto beat us. Modesto. It's hard to see such a promising ex-champion fall from grace like this. Especially on such a grand stage. But we'll be back, I have faith.
On a side note, with violent crime down 11%, property crime down 21.4%, and auto thefts down 27% do we really need a group of vigilantes patrolling the streets? Crime's not exactly on the rise and throwing a bunch of dudes on the street with guns can really only raise the crime rate...wait a minute. That might just be the thing to salvage our title chances! Militias for everybody! 200+ homicides has to bring the title home. It just has to.
This might just save newspapers
Sometimes, in pursuit of an angle to a story or a gimmick, we forget things. Since we started our crusade to end the string of Lori Gilbert penned stories about old people, we forgot that in the right light old people can be downright adorable. Stories about how old people are still useful aren't adorable and are frankly kind of insulting to our county's elderly. What is adorable? Old playing video games. Serious, go look at the main picture attached to this story and tell me that old lady with her tongue sticking out in deep concentration isn't the cutest thing you've seen since myRecord.
I'm deeply disappointed there wasn't a video to compliment this story as watching two old dudes engage in a friendly bout of video game fisticuffs would have been the best thing Recordnet's ever produced. Seriously, tell Tara Cuslidge to stop acting as the word's most expensive tape recorder for reporters and have her start videotaping these bowling matches. Speed them up to double speed in post and add the Benny Hill theme, post it to the Online Blog and you've got yourself a bona fide viral video. It'll be the funniest thing on that blog since Cuslidge's "Sandra Cantu happened to me!" post, only this time it'll be intentional!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
An open letter to the Delta hippies
Dear hippies that protest the war in front of Delta,
I don't know if you heard, but Bush isn't President anymore. I know, shocking. You'd think somebody'd have said something about it by now. But yeah, it's true. You know that guy Barack Obama? Black guy, the one running that didn't kind of resemble Skeltor. Only one who ran a competent campaign. Any of that ring a bell? Well yeah, anyways, he won. So he's President now. And well, and you may have missed this since you apparently think we still have a pro-war President, but he's bringing the troops back in like 18 months. So, you know, we won. Go the fuck home. And stop waving at me to honk while I'm stuck at the light. That's why I flipped your old , wrinkled asses off today.
On a related note, now that it's out that you're old people who have actually left the house Lori Gilbert should be calling you any day now. So be ready for that.
Fuck off,
Reclaiming the Title
I don't know if you heard, but Bush isn't President anymore. I know, shocking. You'd think somebody'd have said something about it by now. But yeah, it's true. You know that guy Barack Obama? Black guy, the one running that didn't kind of resemble Skeltor. Only one who ran a competent campaign. Any of that ring a bell? Well yeah, anyways, he won. So he's President now. And well, and you may have missed this since you apparently think we still have a pro-war President, but he's bringing the troops back in like 18 months. So, you know, we won. Go the fuck home. And stop waving at me to honk while I'm stuck at the light. That's why I flipped your old , wrinkled asses off today.
On a related note, now that it's out that you're old people who have actually left the house Lori Gilbert should be calling you any day now. So be ready for that.
Fuck off,
Reclaiming the Title
Quick Links for Feb. 26th
Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won't you please take me...to the Quick Links!
When did the Record learn how to use technology?
Today's State of the City address is apparently being liveblogged by the Record. Ian Hill's at it and David Siders should show up shortly if he's not there already. Mayor Johnston's also allegedly coming by, because if there's one voice that she needs to hear, it's the voice of the biased, racist commenters on Recordnet.com. I'd pop in and participate, but I have work. Somebody tell us how it went. (Update: Ok, so I poked my head in for a sec. I couldn't help myself. It looked about as exciting as a liveblog about a speech would. Plus the SaveStockton guy was there. They were using Cover It Live! so all the comments had to be approved. Which was probably the reason there were so few reader comments. But that's probably a good thing.)
We're gonna need more than this if we want to land Robocop
Christian Burkin breaks down a brochure advertising the Stockton Police Chief job in his latest blog post. Suspiciously missing? Any mention of our violent crime rate. They also say the budget is just over $100 mil when in reality it's just under $100 mil with more cuts coming. Either way it's an interesting read. One would think the search for a new police chief wouldn't resemble a Cragslist personal ad so much.
On a side note, we'd like to ask McClane to say hi to Carl Winslow for us. Now there's a guy who should be police chief. You could pay him in Twinkies!
Ok, so we lied Lori. There won't be any pie. This is an intervention.
Lori, we're here because we love you. Ok, we don't really. We wish you would disappear forever, but we're here to help you. You have a problem, and it's hurting the people around you. Not just your family, friends, and co-workers who have to deal with the constant questions of "Why did Lori write about a dead person turning 100?", but you're also hurting old people. You're making them believe that their stories are interesting, and giving them false hope is mean. Plus, they might start blathering on about their life story to random strangers because they now feel that since they made it in the paper, everybody wants to hear their life story. And we don't. I don't even listen to my Grandpa's stories and he's talking about people I actually know.
I know, it's going to be tough, but you have to get help. This fetish is getting to be too much. I don't think you've written about anybody under the age of 50 since we pointed out your affinity for the elderly. And while we appreciate your efforts to prove us right, frankly we worry about your mental health. Of course being somewhat close to SF, we've learned to accept people for who they are despite whatever weird proclivities they might have. So maybe, instead of quitting old people cold turkey, you could get a job writing the newsletter for a retirement community. Perhaps you could take some time off and write a book of stories old people tell you. Like Tuesdays with Morrie minus the inspiration and anything remotely interesting.
But whatever you do, for the love of Wally stop writing this shit for the Record. It's nowhere near the realm of relevancy.
When did the Record learn how to use technology?
Today's State of the City address is apparently being liveblogged by the Record. Ian Hill's at it and David Siders should show up shortly if he's not there already. Mayor Johnston's also allegedly coming by, because if there's one voice that she needs to hear, it's the voice of the biased, racist commenters on Recordnet.com. I'd pop in and participate, but I have work. Somebody tell us how it went. (Update: Ok, so I poked my head in for a sec. I couldn't help myself. It looked about as exciting as a liveblog about a speech would. Plus the SaveStockton guy was there. They were using Cover It Live! so all the comments had to be approved. Which was probably the reason there were so few reader comments. But that's probably a good thing.)
We're gonna need more than this if we want to land Robocop
Christian Burkin breaks down a brochure advertising the Stockton Police Chief job in his latest blog post. Suspiciously missing? Any mention of our violent crime rate. They also say the budget is just over $100 mil when in reality it's just under $100 mil with more cuts coming. Either way it's an interesting read. One would think the search for a new police chief wouldn't resemble a Cragslist personal ad so much.
On a side note, we'd like to ask McClane to say hi to Carl Winslow for us. Now there's a guy who should be police chief. You could pay him in Twinkies!
Ok, so we lied Lori. There won't be any pie. This is an intervention.
Lori, we're here because we love you. Ok, we don't really. We wish you would disappear forever, but we're here to help you. You have a problem, and it's hurting the people around you. Not just your family, friends, and co-workers who have to deal with the constant questions of "Why did Lori write about a dead person turning 100?", but you're also hurting old people. You're making them believe that their stories are interesting, and giving them false hope is mean. Plus, they might start blathering on about their life story to random strangers because they now feel that since they made it in the paper, everybody wants to hear their life story. And we don't. I don't even listen to my Grandpa's stories and he's talking about people I actually know.
I know, it's going to be tough, but you have to get help. This fetish is getting to be too much. I don't think you've written about anybody under the age of 50 since we pointed out your affinity for the elderly. And while we appreciate your efforts to prove us right, frankly we worry about your mental health. Of course being somewhat close to SF, we've learned to accept people for who they are despite whatever weird proclivities they might have. So maybe, instead of quitting old people cold turkey, you could get a job writing the newsletter for a retirement community. Perhaps you could take some time off and write a book of stories old people tell you. Like Tuesdays with Morrie minus the inspiration and anything remotely interesting.
But whatever you do, for the love of Wally stop writing this shit for the Record. It's nowhere near the realm of relevancy.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Quick Links for Feb. 24th (aka the beginning of Mandolph Mania!)
Hey, what's that over there? (Points behind you) Quick Links!
So what you're saying is this crazy old man is a crazy old man?
Don't you just love contentious old people? This guy gets caught with a stockpile of guns that would give a trailer park a boner yet he's still hootin' and hollerin' like the feeble gun nut that he is. I'd try and use reason but, let's face it, that crazy old coot doesn't dwell in the realm of common sense. He had 600 guns on a ranch (which we will from now on be calling a "compound" to make him seem crazier.) out in the foothills. Why? I'm assuming "gun collector" is code for "secessionist" and he's preparing for the South to rise again or something.
But that's not the point. The point is his lawyer knew damn well how batshit crazy this guy was. He's claiming he can't afford a new attorney yet he owns a fucking compound (see? Works, doesn't it?) in the foothills! You knew what you were getting into when you took that old dude's $15,000 Mr. Foley (sadly, not Mick Foley). Shouting, being combative and belligerent, making derogatory statements; these are things old people do! You try shooting sunshine out your ass when you turn 80.
My grandpa is a cantankerous old religious fart, do I fault him for that? No. He's like 1000, he gets a pass. For all Buller knows he's just breaking some balls. His quote said he thought he and his lawyer were friends. I don't know what you do with your friends, but when I'm kicking it with Bris Isaak I break that fat fuck's balls pretty much non-stop. Old people are notoriously lonely, and if you don't believe me go sit at the counter at Denny's for about 20 minutes and you'll know what I mean. Buller just wanted a friend to crack on while sipping cognac and shooting at paint cans with the gun that killed Lincoln. Is that too much to ask?
Ok, this can't be real
This is probably too soon, but I'm going for it anyway. Plus, we're pretty sure it's a typo. But either way, Houston Mandolph is the awesomest porn star name ever. When I'm on vacation next week I'm totally introducing myself to random bar strange as Houston Mandolph. Even if it does kind of sound like a name for an actor in movies with all male casts (like Glengarry Glen Ross, but reimagined kind of like The Wiz). Oh, and condolences to the Mandolphs.
I wanna die with dignity, the way God intended. By falling down in the shower and getting found three weeks later so swelled up they won't know if I'm sofa or man.
Ok, what the fuck's going on. Black guy in the White House, euthanasia debate, shitty alternative bands raping my ears via the radio, a sub-10,000 Dow Jones, outrage of the closure of See's Candies; was I magically transported back to the 90s or something?
I'm a huge supporter of euthanasia because I believe people should be able to go out on their terms. El Duke says the most consistent advice he got from the elderly while working in medical supplies was "Don't get old." At first he would laugh it up as if they were joking, but he quickly realized it wasn't a joke because he heard that bit of advice literally every day. Getting old blows, and if you look to the other side of the A1 section, you'll see it's fucking expensive too.
Why spend a shitload of money to spend the rest of your life sitting in your own feces while mustering up the courage to yell at those darkies to stop selling drugs on the street corner. They won't listen, they never do. They just say "Fuck you old man!" and then threaten to beat your ass. Then, before you know it, your only friend is your stupid Jew lawyer who will eventually stop representing you because you called him your stupid Jew lawyer one too many times That sound like a rich, fulfilling life to you?
Of course that's for other people. Me? I'm going to enjoy getting old. I'm spending my formative years living through the New Depression. No generation that will be alive while I am will have it harder than mine. "Oh, you think you have it so tough having to pay 10 cents per view to watch fuckable hologram porn? Back in aught nine porn was in 2-D and you had to cut your own hole in the magazine! And we had to walk 9 miles in the snow uphill both ways to get it!" It's going to be awesome.
This is getting way too easy
I didn't even have to read this article to know subject was old. I just skimmed the article for his age and name. He's 60. That's old. Keep that streak alive Lori! But, in an example of the shitty journalistic standards that graced her sports column, she neglects to find out "Cowboy's" real name. I actually had to go back an read the entire boring, completely useless column to see if I missed it. I didn't. She finds out where he's from, how old he his, who his wife is, and where she works but she refers to him as "Cowboy" throughout the entire column and it's distracting. Not to mention just fucking stupid. I guess they can't all be Mandolphs.
Rumors of grand, showy, empty gesture at State of the City address...wait, I thought Chavez left
The State of the City address is Thursday, and it promises to be the non-event it always is. Times are tough, we can pull through, take responsibility, blah blah blah . But wait, what's this in the comments?
"Feb-23 - w84urma — According to a City Hall source, the Mayor is going to announce the council has agreed to forgo their council pay and take the lead in the budget crisis. Bravo Council!!!!"
Oh hey! A savvy but largely empty PR move! Awesome! That's how a Real Stocktonian would do the State of the City address after all. Of course, rumors started by internet commenters should always be treated as "probably false". But I figured I'd pass it along. If for no other reason than to get you over to Siders' blog. Which is loaded with interesting posts as usual.
Oh sure, it may help lay the groundwork to stabilize the economy, but WHAT ABOUT THE TREES!!!???
Nevermind the fact that we're $30 mil in the hole, every other house seems to have a for sale sign in front of it, or that businesses are closing every week; why didn't Obama think about the trees!? Yes, while everything else is fucked 6 ways til Sunday, Mike Fitzgerald wants to know why the stimulus package does jack shit for our "dying urban forest". Yeah, he tackles the important issues on his blog. On a side note, are we the only ones who think Ann Johnston's "We blew it" was meant to be sarcastic but Fitzy didn't notice because he was too busy renewing his subscription to Sunset magazine? They're fucking trees, and we live in California. Big Trees is an hour away. Fuck the urban forest, try a real forest. That's why it's federally-protected and the trees in Stockton aren't.
So what you're saying is this crazy old man is a crazy old man?
Don't you just love contentious old people? This guy gets caught with a stockpile of guns that would give a trailer park a boner yet he's still hootin' and hollerin' like the feeble gun nut that he is. I'd try and use reason but, let's face it, that crazy old coot doesn't dwell in the realm of common sense. He had 600 guns on a ranch (which we will from now on be calling a "compound" to make him seem crazier.) out in the foothills. Why? I'm assuming "gun collector" is code for "secessionist" and he's preparing for the South to rise again or something.
But that's not the point. The point is his lawyer knew damn well how batshit crazy this guy was. He's claiming he can't afford a new attorney yet he owns a fucking compound (see? Works, doesn't it?) in the foothills! You knew what you were getting into when you took that old dude's $15,000 Mr. Foley (sadly, not Mick Foley). Shouting, being combative and belligerent, making derogatory statements; these are things old people do! You try shooting sunshine out your ass when you turn 80.
My grandpa is a cantankerous old religious fart, do I fault him for that? No. He's like 1000, he gets a pass. For all Buller knows he's just breaking some balls. His quote said he thought he and his lawyer were friends. I don't know what you do with your friends, but when I'm kicking it with Bris Isaak I break that fat fuck's balls pretty much non-stop. Old people are notoriously lonely, and if you don't believe me go sit at the counter at Denny's for about 20 minutes and you'll know what I mean. Buller just wanted a friend to crack on while sipping cognac and shooting at paint cans with the gun that killed Lincoln. Is that too much to ask?
Ok, this can't be real
This is probably too soon, but I'm going for it anyway. Plus, we're pretty sure it's a typo. But either way, Houston Mandolph is the awesomest porn star name ever. When I'm on vacation next week I'm totally introducing myself to random bar strange as Houston Mandolph. Even if it does kind of sound like a name for an actor in movies with all male casts (like Glengarry Glen Ross, but reimagined kind of like The Wiz). Oh, and condolences to the Mandolphs.
I wanna die with dignity, the way God intended. By falling down in the shower and getting found three weeks later so swelled up they won't know if I'm sofa or man.
Ok, what the fuck's going on. Black guy in the White House, euthanasia debate, shitty alternative bands raping my ears via the radio, a sub-10,000 Dow Jones, outrage of the closure of See's Candies; was I magically transported back to the 90s or something?
I'm a huge supporter of euthanasia because I believe people should be able to go out on their terms. El Duke says the most consistent advice he got from the elderly while working in medical supplies was "Don't get old." At first he would laugh it up as if they were joking, but he quickly realized it wasn't a joke because he heard that bit of advice literally every day. Getting old blows, and if you look to the other side of the A1 section, you'll see it's fucking expensive too.
Why spend a shitload of money to spend the rest of your life sitting in your own feces while mustering up the courage to yell at those darkies to stop selling drugs on the street corner. They won't listen, they never do. They just say "Fuck you old man!" and then threaten to beat your ass. Then, before you know it, your only friend is your stupid Jew lawyer who will eventually stop representing you because you called him your stupid Jew lawyer one too many times That sound like a rich, fulfilling life to you?
Of course that's for other people. Me? I'm going to enjoy getting old. I'm spending my formative years living through the New Depression. No generation that will be alive while I am will have it harder than mine. "Oh, you think you have it so tough having to pay 10 cents per view to watch fuckable hologram porn? Back in aught nine porn was in 2-D and you had to cut your own hole in the magazine! And we had to walk 9 miles in the snow uphill both ways to get it!" It's going to be awesome.
This is getting way too easy
I didn't even have to read this article to know subject was old. I just skimmed the article for his age and name. He's 60. That's old. Keep that streak alive Lori! But, in an example of the shitty journalistic standards that graced her sports column, she neglects to find out "Cowboy's" real name. I actually had to go back an read the entire boring, completely useless column to see if I missed it. I didn't. She finds out where he's from, how old he his, who his wife is, and where she works but she refers to him as "Cowboy" throughout the entire column and it's distracting. Not to mention just fucking stupid. I guess they can't all be Mandolphs.
Rumors of grand, showy, empty gesture at State of the City address...wait, I thought Chavez left
The State of the City address is Thursday, and it promises to be the non-event it always is. Times are tough, we can pull through, take responsibility, blah blah blah . But wait, what's this in the comments?
"Feb-23 - w84urma — According to a City Hall source, the Mayor is going to announce the council has agreed to forgo their council pay and take the lead in the budget crisis. Bravo Council!!!!"
Oh hey! A savvy but largely empty PR move! Awesome! That's how a Real Stocktonian would do the State of the City address after all. Of course, rumors started by internet commenters should always be treated as "probably false". But I figured I'd pass it along. If for no other reason than to get you over to Siders' blog. Which is loaded with interesting posts as usual.
Oh sure, it may help lay the groundwork to stabilize the economy, but WHAT ABOUT THE TREES!!!???
Nevermind the fact that we're $30 mil in the hole, every other house seems to have a for sale sign in front of it, or that businesses are closing every week; why didn't Obama think about the trees!? Yes, while everything else is fucked 6 ways til Sunday, Mike Fitzgerald wants to know why the stimulus package does jack shit for our "dying urban forest". Yeah, he tackles the important issues on his blog. On a side note, are we the only ones who think Ann Johnston's "We blew it" was meant to be sarcastic but Fitzy didn't notice because he was too busy renewing his subscription to Sunset magazine? They're fucking trees, and we live in California. Big Trees is an hour away. Fuck the urban forest, try a real forest. That's why it's federally-protected and the trees in Stockton aren't.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Quick Links for Sexy Friday the 13th
Damn, this week went by fast and slow all at the same time. Is that even possible? Either way I'm fucking beat and can't wait to sleep in until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow, followed by drinking myself silly and trying to pick up the hottest depressed chick at the bar for some lonely, Valentines Day "I'd pretty much fuck anything" sex. God I love the holidays. You know what I also love? The Quick Links.
The generation will be shaped by the events that affected them!
Wow, I'm really glad this economist came by Stockton to tell us this important, startling information. Who know that the shit that happens to us affects what we do?
It's shit like that that makes me hate rich, white people. Here we are, ground fucking zero for pretty much the whole shebang, and they need to have a seminar at the Country Club of all places to find out that people are altering their spending habits because of the recession? The worst part has top be his examples of the changes the recession has forced us to make. Like this nugget:
If they are staying somewhere less than two years, he said, they will probably just rent instead of buying a home.
Are you fucking kidding me? Besides our former mayor, who does this? If I'm buying a home I'm pretty much planting a flag and saying "I'm in this shit for the long haul". But please Mr. Economist-guy, continue. What do you think is the root cause for this economic downturn?
"Housing and credit are at the center of this cycle," he said.
Wow, you can only get that kind of sound financial analysis from any TV that gets MSNBC. Our spending habits are changing, don't buy a house if you plan on moving in 2 years, housing and credit are to blame for the recession; man, with this kind of quality advice one has to wonder how he's doing financially.
Mitchell admitted, to laughter from the audience, that this is an amazing time for an economist, who gets up every day to another major round of economic news. "It doesn't get any better than this."
No wonder his advice is so generic and obvious, he's not experiencing a recession, we're the ones experiencing a recession. Then we pay the guy to tell us so. Can we put retardation at the center of the cycle too. Fuck, I should become an economist.
Oh sweet, elevator music!
It took me a second to realize that "Time Out" wasn't a new album Brubeck was debuting, it's an album released 50 years ago. So we gotta ask, what's the big fucking deal? Dave Brubeck, again, doesn't even fucking live here. He's not a famous Stocktonian. Shit, he's not even a Stocktonian. He just went to school here, stop blowing his wrinkled, old cock for once and realize this isn't anything resembling news. If this were any other band, say, The Who deciding to perform Tommy it's entirety, it would maybe make it on the 3-Minute Record. And The Who are like infinity-times more awesome than Dave Brubeck. Way to cater to old fogeys. Hey, speaking of old fogeys...
Lori Gilbert's just making this way too easy
If she's not writing about old people, she's writing about old people movies. I thought that Dave Brubeck thing from above had questionable newsworthiness but this has absolutely none. It's pretty much "Hey, the Hope is playing old people shit like usual" with the history of the movie thrown in to make it seem like an actual article.
And don't even get us started on that bullshit "Hollywood terms" wire story that's on the front of the LENS section. Remember when Friday's usually meant there was something informative about local shit? Yeah, it was nice, wasn't it? Now? We get shit like "Musician uses Web as springboard". Holy fuck! You can use the internet to network and help bolster your image? I thought it was just there to do research and look up porn. It's not like the Record has its own website who's specific purpose is to act as a springboard for local musicians.
Can we just rename the LENS section "Bullshit features plus the comics"? It's beginning to rival the Sports section for most useless section of the Record. Which I guess isn't saying much since it's only a 3 horse race now. But still, doesn't the "E" in LENS stand for entertainment? Write about something entertaining! We know you know how because of the aforementioned 209Vibe and the fact that half the online-only stories on Recordnet's entertainment section are local show previews and reviews.
In short, fuck the Record. Thank God It's Sexy Friday.
The generation will be shaped by the events that affected them!
Wow, I'm really glad this economist came by Stockton to tell us this important, startling information. Who know that the shit that happens to us affects what we do?
It's shit like that that makes me hate rich, white people. Here we are, ground fucking zero for pretty much the whole shebang, and they need to have a seminar at the Country Club of all places to find out that people are altering their spending habits because of the recession? The worst part has top be his examples of the changes the recession has forced us to make. Like this nugget:
If they are staying somewhere less than two years, he said, they will probably just rent instead of buying a home.
Are you fucking kidding me? Besides our former mayor, who does this? If I'm buying a home I'm pretty much planting a flag and saying "I'm in this shit for the long haul". But please Mr. Economist-guy, continue. What do you think is the root cause for this economic downturn?
"Housing and credit are at the center of this cycle," he said.
Wow, you can only get that kind of sound financial analysis from any TV that gets MSNBC. Our spending habits are changing, don't buy a house if you plan on moving in 2 years, housing and credit are to blame for the recession; man, with this kind of quality advice one has to wonder how he's doing financially.
Mitchell admitted, to laughter from the audience, that this is an amazing time for an economist, who gets up every day to another major round of economic news. "It doesn't get any better than this."
No wonder his advice is so generic and obvious, he's not experiencing a recession, we're the ones experiencing a recession. Then we pay the guy to tell us so. Can we put retardation at the center of the cycle too. Fuck, I should become an economist.
Oh sweet, elevator music!
It took me a second to realize that "Time Out" wasn't a new album Brubeck was debuting, it's an album released 50 years ago. So we gotta ask, what's the big fucking deal? Dave Brubeck, again, doesn't even fucking live here. He's not a famous Stocktonian. Shit, he's not even a Stocktonian. He just went to school here, stop blowing his wrinkled, old cock for once and realize this isn't anything resembling news. If this were any other band, say, The Who deciding to perform Tommy it's entirety, it would maybe make it on the 3-Minute Record. And The Who are like infinity-times more awesome than Dave Brubeck. Way to cater to old fogeys. Hey, speaking of old fogeys...
Lori Gilbert's just making this way too easy
If she's not writing about old people, she's writing about old people movies. I thought that Dave Brubeck thing from above had questionable newsworthiness but this has absolutely none. It's pretty much "Hey, the Hope is playing old people shit like usual" with the history of the movie thrown in to make it seem like an actual article.
And don't even get us started on that bullshit "Hollywood terms" wire story that's on the front of the LENS section. Remember when Friday's usually meant there was something informative about local shit? Yeah, it was nice, wasn't it? Now? We get shit like "Musician uses Web as springboard". Holy fuck! You can use the internet to network and help bolster your image? I thought it was just there to do research and look up porn. It's not like the Record has its own website who's specific purpose is to act as a springboard for local musicians.
Can we just rename the LENS section "Bullshit features plus the comics"? It's beginning to rival the Sports section for most useless section of the Record. Which I guess isn't saying much since it's only a 3 horse race now. But still, doesn't the "E" in LENS stand for entertainment? Write about something entertaining! We know you know how because of the aforementioned 209Vibe and the fact that half the online-only stories on Recordnet's entertainment section are local show previews and reviews.
In short, fuck the Record. Thank God It's Sexy Friday.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Lori Gilbert: Senoir citizen fetishist
Lori Gilbert needs to be stopped. I don't know if we need to get rhino tranquilizers or if we just need to lure her into a cage with the smell of Bengay and unclipped coupons, but this has to end. Lori Gilbert's fascination with old people needs to stop.
If she wants to live out her days chronicling the stories of the county's incontinent that's fine, just go become a biographer. This shit is boring as fuck. If I wanted to read about people who smell like death I would read the obituaries. I understand the Record's readership is mostly the people Gilbert writes about, but shouldn't they be writing stories to help expand the Record's readership? I hate to be the one to break this to the Record's marketing department, but contests alone don't bring in new readers. Interesting stories about interesting shit does!
But I would like to thank Lori for only waiting 2 days to prove my point. She is officially 1 or 2 more stories away from making this a full blown fetish.
If she wants to live out her days chronicling the stories of the county's incontinent that's fine, just go become a biographer. This shit is boring as fuck. If I wanted to read about people who smell like death I would read the obituaries. I understand the Record's readership is mostly the people Gilbert writes about, but shouldn't they be writing stories to help expand the Record's readership? I hate to be the one to break this to the Record's marketing department, but contests alone don't bring in new readers. Interesting stories about interesting shit does!
But I would like to thank Lori for only waiting 2 days to prove my point. She is officially 1 or 2 more stories away from making this a full blown fetish.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
When did Lori Gilbert join the senior tour?
In slightly less miserable news (but only very slightly considering the subject matter), we have a question about Lori Gilbert. Gilbert was removed from the Sports section earlier last year in what can only be described as a mercy killing and shipped off to the obscurity of the LENS section to write soft features. Because if there's one thing the Record needed, it was another feature writer.
I haven't had much of a problem with her since the move. Her sports writing was awful. The classic example I use is the time she set feminism back 50 years by claiming Mike Gundy was being sexist for tearing into a female journalist for criticizing a college athlete. Something we did to Bob Highfill just last week. But hey, equality schmiquality. We await Gilbert's bitching diatribe about how we're biased against fat, old dudes who's facial expressions never change.
So the fact that she's gone from the sports page made her easier to ignore. Mostly because it was easy to pick her apart based on fact in her sports columns because we know an assload about sports. Notsomuch with her new beat. Which brings me to the question I have.
When did Lori Gilbert get put on the old lady beat?
It's taken me a while to notice this, because I largely ignore her work in the LENS section. But since they've been putting her on the new "Page 2" thingy, her subject matter just kind offalls and can't get up jumps out at you.
Here's a sampling of just the past 2 months. There's the 80-year old Denny's waitress from today's Record which has no discernable point beyond that fact that old people apparently can hold jobs. Then a column about quilting which pretty much speaks for itself. Then there's the time she caught up with a member of the old Stockton chapter of the Mickey Mouse Club. And that time she talked to a 100-year old lady.
She's averaging two columns about old fogeys a month. And these are just the columns I pulled from her Lifestyle columnist page. I didn't even attempt to look at the actual articles she wrote. I'm glad she's gone from the sports page and all, but come on. This is a bit much.
I haven't had much of a problem with her since the move. Her sports writing was awful. The classic example I use is the time she set feminism back 50 years by claiming Mike Gundy was being sexist for tearing into a female journalist for criticizing a college athlete. Something we did to Bob Highfill just last week. But hey, equality schmiquality. We await Gilbert's bitching diatribe about how we're biased against fat, old dudes who's facial expressions never change.
So the fact that she's gone from the sports page made her easier to ignore. Mostly because it was easy to pick her apart based on fact in her sports columns because we know an assload about sports. Notsomuch with her new beat. Which brings me to the question I have.
When did Lori Gilbert get put on the old lady beat?
It's taken me a while to notice this, because I largely ignore her work in the LENS section. But since they've been putting her on the new "Page 2" thingy, her subject matter just kind of
Here's a sampling of just the past 2 months. There's the 80-year old Denny's waitress from today's Record which has no discernable point beyond that fact that old people apparently can hold jobs. Then a column about quilting which pretty much speaks for itself. Then there's the time she caught up with a member of the old Stockton chapter of the Mickey Mouse Club. And that time she talked to a 100-year old lady.
She's averaging two columns about old fogeys a month. And these are just the columns I pulled from her Lifestyle columnist page. I didn't even attempt to look at the actual articles she wrote. I'm glad she's gone from the sports page and all, but come on. This is a bit much.
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