Friday, February 13, 2009

Quick Links for Sexy Friday the 13th

Damn, this week went by fast and slow all at the same time. Is that even possible? Either way I'm fucking beat and can't wait to sleep in until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow, followed by drinking myself silly and trying to pick up the hottest depressed chick at the bar for some lonely, Valentines Day "I'd pretty much fuck anything" sex. God I love the holidays. You know what I also love? The Quick Links.

The generation will be shaped by the events that affected them!

Wow, I'm really glad this economist came by Stockton to tell us this important, startling information. Who know that the shit that happens to us affects what we do?

It's shit like that that makes me hate rich, white people. Here we are, ground fucking zero for pretty much the whole shebang, and they need to have a seminar at the Country Club of all places to find out that people are altering their spending habits because of the recession? The worst part has top be his examples of the changes the recession has forced us to make. Like this nugget:

If they are staying somewhere less than two years, he said, they will probably just rent instead of buying a home.

Are you fucking kidding me? Besides our former mayor, who does this? If I'm buying a home I'm pretty much planting a flag and saying "I'm in this shit for the long haul". But please Mr. Economist-guy, continue. What do you think is the root cause for this economic downturn?

"Housing and credit are at the center of this cycle," he said.

Wow, you can only get that kind of sound financial analysis from any TV that gets MSNBC. Our spending habits are changing, don't buy a house if you plan on moving in 2 years, housing and credit are to blame for the recession; man, with this kind of quality advice one has to wonder how he's doing financially.

Mitchell admitted, to laughter from the audience, that this is an amazing time for an economist, who gets up every day to another major round of economic news. "It doesn't get any better than this."

No wonder his advice is so generic and obvious, he's not experiencing a recession, we're the ones experiencing a recession. Then we pay the guy to tell us so. Can we put retardation at the center of the cycle too. Fuck, I should become an economist.

Oh sweet, elevator music!

It took me a second to realize that "Time Out" wasn't a new album Brubeck was debuting, it's an album released 50 years ago. So we gotta ask, what's the big fucking deal? Dave Brubeck, again, doesn't even fucking live here. He's not a famous Stocktonian. Shit, he's not even a Stocktonian. He just went to school here, stop blowing his wrinkled, old cock for once and realize this isn't anything resembling news. If this were any other band, say, The Who deciding to perform Tommy it's entirety, it would maybe make it on the 3-Minute Record. And The Who are like infinity-times more awesome than Dave Brubeck. Way to cater to old fogeys. Hey, speaking of old fogeys...

Lori Gilbert's just making this way too easy

If she's not writing about old people, she's writing about old people movies. I thought that Dave Brubeck thing from above had questionable newsworthiness but this has absolutely none. It's pretty much "Hey, the Hope is playing old people shit like usual" with the history of the movie thrown in to make it seem like an actual article.

And don't even get us started on that bullshit "Hollywood terms" wire story that's on the front of the LENS section. Remember when Friday's usually meant there was something informative about local shit? Yeah, it was nice, wasn't it? Now? We get shit like "Musician uses Web as springboard". Holy fuck! You can use the internet to network and help bolster your image? I thought it was just there to do research and look up porn. It's not like the Record has its own website who's specific purpose is to act as a springboard for local musicians.

Can we just rename the LENS section "Bullshit features plus the comics"? It's beginning to rival the Sports section for most useless section of the Record. Which I guess isn't saying much since it's only a 3 horse race now. But still, doesn't the "E" in LENS stand for entertainment? Write about something entertaining! We know you know how because of the aforementioned 209Vibe and the fact that half the online-only stories on Recordnet's entertainment section are local show previews and reviews.

In short, fuck the Record. Thank God It's Sexy Friday.

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