With tomorrow being Thanksgiving we kicked around some ideas to help local residents out with the holiday season. Considering we're a collection of guys in their mid-twenties, cooking tips are pretty much out of the question. As are decorating tips, although I hear Bris Isaak has some interesting ideas for centerpieces. But there is one thing we can dole out advice on. You guessed it, drinking.
Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.
Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.
Tip #1 Arrive early
Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.
Tip #2 Don't drive
While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.
There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.
There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.
And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.
Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up
Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.
We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.
Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex
While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.
Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?
Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.
Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing
Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.
Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.
Showing posts with label group posts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label group posts. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Rejected Record Headlines!
You may have heard sometime throughout the night that Barack Obama was elected President. Whether you watched it on CNN, the Daily Show special, or heard the excited cries of joy from your upstairs neighbor at 8pm like I did; chances are you'll remember the moment you heard he won for a long time.
Like most papers, the Record had their post-election front page planned well in advance. They went the historical route with their headline and even splashed a "YES WE CAN" across the top. But we got our grubby little hands on a list of rejected headlines that the Record considered going with before they settled on what eventually made it to print. (Note: If you think these are real, you're a moron.)
"America smells what Barack is cooking"
"All aboard the hoooooooooooooope train"
"(Black)light of hope"
"I wanna Barack! Barack!"
"Black to the Future!"
There's also about 90% of the lines from "Blazing Saddles" reworked in hilarious fashion. But we'll leave that for you to come up with on your own.
In all seriousness, this was a historic election. Not that fake kind of history like ESPN tried to claim the last Superbowl was. This is actual history, and we'll all remember this election for a long time. Mostly because is encompassed two years of our lives that we'll never ever get back. Fuck we're glad this election is over.
We'll probably have more on this later, but for now we can't stress enough how disappointed we are that we live in discriminatory state. Fucking Mormons.
Like most papers, the Record had their post-election front page planned well in advance. They went the historical route with their headline and even splashed a "YES WE CAN" across the top. But we got our grubby little hands on a list of rejected headlines that the Record considered going with before they settled on what eventually made it to print. (Note: If you think these are real, you're a moron.)
"America smells what Barack is cooking"
"All aboard the hoooooooooooooope train"
"(Black)light of hope"
"I wanna Barack! Barack!"
"Black to the Future!"
There's also about 90% of the lines from "Blazing Saddles" reworked in hilarious fashion. But we'll leave that for you to come up with on your own.
In all seriousness, this was a historic election. Not that fake kind of history like ESPN tried to claim the last Superbowl was. This is actual history, and we'll all remember this election for a long time. Mostly because is encompassed two years of our lives that we'll never ever get back. Fuck we're glad this election is over.
We'll probably have more on this later, but for now we can't stress enough how disappointed we are that we live in discriminatory state. Fucking Mormons.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Top 5 comics that should replace those other 5
Before we get on with the top 5, we should probably clarify something. If a comic wasn't in the last top 5, that's not an endorsement of that comic. The 5 we listed were just the cream of the suck crop. We actually only read about 4 comics that the Record prints: Get Fuzzy, Zits, Dilbert, and Pearls Before Swine. So as you can see, we didn't want to post a negative, completely juvenile list of shitty comics. We just couldn't come up with a top 5 list of comics they print that we like. It's really their fault. So in the interest of shedding that negativity, we're providing you with this helpful list of comics to replace the last 5. That's right, we're solution oriented. Just wait until we write the top 5 things needed to improve Stockton's music scene (spoiler alert! #1 is the ritual execution of all screamo bands). But until then...
1. Rubes
It may surprise you to know that we're aware of 5 comics that the Record doesn't print. It surprised us too until we realized that we read a combined minimum of 3 papers a day. We're admitted journonerds. Rubes isn't in any paper we read. We stumbled upon it getting links for this and the last top 5. It's a shame it's not printed because it brings back fond memories of perrenial favorite The Far Side. Note to F-Minus, this is how you do offbeat humor. Plus we're suckers for the name. Especially after we started our rube of the month club. Speaking of offbeat humor...
2. Garfield Minus Garfield
Ok, so this is a net comic. That doesn't make it any less fucking hilarious. We'll let Garfield Minus Garfield's creator explain the concept (that's right, we learned how to block quote kinda):
3. Drabble
See, we're not just doing comics only people with our sense of humor would like. Although we kindof like Drabble, so maybe we are. Either way, this is a decent comic that's kind of a middle ground choice. It's not the best comic out their by our comedic standards, but then again not every comic can be Pearls Before Swine (our absolute favorite). Plus my dad always liked Drabble, so soft spot. (All together now, awwwwww.)
4. Brevity
Another classic example for F-Minus at offbeat humor done right. This one actually might have been in the Record for like half a second if our booze addled minds serve us correctly. Either that or we saw it in the Chronicle. Either way, quality comic.
5. Marmaduke
Because let's face it, Marmaduke is just fun to say. Plus we gotta throw the old people a bone. Yes, this is a blatant attempt to butter them up to let us have a Plea for Peace Center.
Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5
1. Rubes
It may surprise you to know that we're aware of 5 comics that the Record doesn't print. It surprised us too until we realized that we read a combined minimum of 3 papers a day. We're admitted journonerds. Rubes isn't in any paper we read. We stumbled upon it getting links for this and the last top 5. It's a shame it's not printed because it brings back fond memories of perrenial favorite The Far Side. Note to F-Minus, this is how you do offbeat humor. Plus we're suckers for the name. Especially after we started our rube of the month club. Speaking of offbeat humor...
2. Garfield Minus Garfield
Ok, so this is a net comic. That doesn't make it any less fucking hilarious. We'll let Garfield Minus Garfield's creator explain the concept (that's right, we learned how to block quote kinda):
"Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb."Kinda makes actual Garfield make a whole lot more sense doesn't it? I always wondered why he let his fat ass cat boss him around. Even Garfield creator Jim Davis thinks it's cool to the point where they're releasing one of those Garfield books fat lonely people always buy, but without Garfield. If he can see the light, so can the Record.
3. Drabble
See, we're not just doing comics only people with our sense of humor would like. Although we kindof like Drabble, so maybe we are. Either way, this is a decent comic that's kind of a middle ground choice. It's not the best comic out their by our comedic standards, but then again not every comic can be Pearls Before Swine (our absolute favorite). Plus my dad always liked Drabble, so soft spot. (All together now, awwwwww.)
4. Brevity
Another classic example for F-Minus at offbeat humor done right. This one actually might have been in the Record for like half a second if our booze addled minds serve us correctly. Either that or we saw it in the Chronicle. Either way, quality comic.
5. Marmaduke
Because let's face it, Marmaduke is just fun to say. Plus we gotta throw the old people a bone. Yes, this is a blatant attempt to butter them up to let us have a Plea for Peace Center.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch
When we heard the news that cartoonist Berkeley Breathed was retiring (again), and ending his comic Opus, we were kind of sad. Sad because Opus was one of the few actually funny comics out there, and kind of because the Record stopped printing it a while ago. Too political apparently. Pussies. Also kind of because we don't really read comics that much anymore. The Record's comics page has always sucked. Which is surprising considering they do surveys periodically and actually seem to make changes based on our input. They must have lost our survey card. They also ignore common sense. Like the last survey they did resulting in, if memory serves correct (have to go by memory, there's no link to those stats. Or at least I pray to God there isn't), "Zits" being one of the higher rated comics. Yet they neglect to include it in the Sunday comics. "Get Fuzzy" is also one of the better comics that's featured in the Mon-Sat editions, but omitted from Sunday. Yet, for some unknown reason, they continue to print "Cathy" every Sunday. And "Classic Peanuts". That shit wasn't funny the first time around. If that's a classic then where the hell is the classic "Calvin and Hobbes"? Prince fucking Valiant? What the fuck is that shit?
So without further blabbering, here's the...
1. "Watch Your Head"
We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?
2." F-Minus"
Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?
3. "Family Circus"
Where's the fucking joke?
I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.
4. "Mutts"
Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).
5. "Dennis the Menace"
A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.
Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.
So without further blabbering, here's the...
Top 5 comics the Record needs to ditch
1. "Watch Your Head"
We started reading this comic when the Record first slapped it on there, and it has yet to be funny. Is this like "For Better or For Worse" or "Family Circus" where there is no joke, just observations on life? Was the "Boondocks" that scarring of an experience for the Record that they had to punish it's old spot with this bullshit?
2." F-Minus"
Technically this comic is on the 3-Minute Record, but that makes it even worse because some days we just skip the comics, but never the 3-Minute Record. (We're suckers for the Quote of the Day) Regardless of placement, it's still painfully unfunny. We get the whole attempt at dry humor thing. But, and take it from us, dry humor is hard to do in a written format. F-Minus has the added bonus of visual aid and it's still unfunny. Can't that space be better used for more celebrity news?
3. "Family Circus"
Where's the fucking joke?
I would gladly hand a dollar to anybody who can show me a funny Family Circus. It's not possible. Dysfunctional Family Circus does not count. Sure, these were funny when you were like 4, but as an adult do you really feel responsible letting your child read that shit? They'll go try blaming shit they did on gay ghosts. Plus kids have to learn they don't leave a dotted line when they go running around the neighborhood by themselves.
4. "Mutts"
Sorry, just not funny. But then again, we doubt we're the target audience. Although what comic's target audience is a bunch of dudes in their mid-twenties. Ok, besides "Pearls Before Swine" (Another glaring Sunday omission).
5. "Dennis the Menace"
A painful but needed choice. We were fans of this one as kids, but that was back in a time where there was no internet. Hell, that was before any of our families even owned a computer. Long story short, the 80s were a crazy time. Plus in real life Mr. Wilson would have gotten a vicious pitbull by now to keep that little fuckshovel out of his yard.
Coming sometime later, the Top 5 comics that should replace the last 5.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Preliminary breakdown of the Record's ad space awards
The Record decided to blitzkreig us with an assload of importanish news today. But all of that stuff we'll have to break down later. Why? Because the Record's end of the year push to increase ad sales Best of San Joaquin 2008 came out today, and as usual it was a complete and utter farce. We'll throw out the highlights/lowlights before we head off to roundly heckle Grant "Peaches" Napear at tonight's Kings/Rockets game.
Most useless category: (tie) Local Pro Sports Team and Cable/Internet/Satellite Provider
There are only 4 fucking local teams and the options are even more limited when it comes to Cable/Internet/Satellite Providers. You want cable? Congradufuckinglations you're getting Comcast. Want satellite? DirectTV or Dish Network? That's fucking it. They have these painfully limited categories but no "Best Local Website"? (An award we most assuredly would walk away with, if not for that whole criticizing everything they do like we're their Bubbe thing. And the fact that they'd probably choose Google becausethey have more money to buy ad space with someone in the county visited that site.)
Most Random category: Fuel-Efficient Car
We were unaware hybrids were made in SJ County. What kind of random fucking category is this? They don't make Toyotas or Hondas in Stockton, it only seems like it because every other person here is driving one (coincidently they're also some of the more frequently stolen cars, gotta keep those title hopes alive). Which still shouldn't be enough to warrant this category. If a Prius can win a category for being a car people use in SJ County then the Kings should have won best local sports team. Hey, they came through Stockton once. Which apparently is enough to be eligible for a category.
Section that made our heads explode with confusion: Spirits
If our Bars We're Down With series (returning tomorrow, honest injun) wasn't enough to clue you in, we know a thing or two about area drinking establishments. Which is why this entire section is so mind boggling. And by "mind boggling" we mean "so skewed towards the Lincoln Village area that it makes us want to puke." 856 has the best cocktails? Are you fucking kidding me? Chili's getting the third place nod for best margaritas!? BJ's(!?) gets 2nd best happy hour? My left nut has a better happy hour than BJ's. (We fully admit El Torito has a kick ass happy hour though) Fuck, this is getting too frustrating, let's move on to the last one for today. I'll let El Duke take this one.
Least deserving of their award: (tie) Mike Torres Band (2nd place Best Local Band), Best Buy (1st place Best Computer Store), Ehler's Health Supply (Only place Home Healthcare Supplies)
I used to work in medical supplies (like I said, I've worked everywhere in Stockton) and not a single day went by where some septuagenarian didn't walk in all flustered. Being the good salesman that I was I would ask how their day was and at least once a day the response would be "Mark Ehler is a money grubbing asshole". When I say every day, I'm not exaggerating. At least once a day I would either hear about how he didn't bill Medicare correctly, or how he bought the wrong part, or how our Rascals were hundreds of dollars less than his, or how he promised to hold something for a customer over the phone only to sell it to someone else 15 mins later. Ehler's Health Supply is by far not the best Healthcare Supply store. For fuck's sake it's not even an actual store anymore, it's a section off to the side in Arthur's Party World. Long story shot, Apria Healthcare is way better.
I also used to work next to a venue the Mike Torres Band played on what seemed to be an hourly basis. For about a year I would be "treated" to the entirety of the Mike Torres Band experience, from sounds check to accidently hitting the cymbal while dismantling the drum set. The Mike Torres Band isn't really bad, they're just not the second best band in the area. Not in any way, shape, or form. They are, at best, a generic bar band. Second String Quintet are fucking tits though.
And Best Buy, oh how I loathe Best Buy. I don't mind seeing them ranked so high in other categories, although being the third best music store on a list that doesn't even include Replay Records is a traveshamockery, but it's placement among best computer stores is the worst fucking decision possible. As with most chain stores their employees know jack shit (outside of the music and dvd section, but everybody knows about music and movies). While trying to set up a hardline network with my roommate I went to Best Buy to buy a router. I saw an actual router for about $50 and something that looked suspiciously like a router called a "hub switch" that was about $20. Now, I'm no computer expert, so as far as I was concerned the only difference between the two was $30. But being the thorough shopper that I am, I decided I should probably get confirmation from someone in the computer section. 20 minutes later I was finally "helped" and I held up the router in one hand and the box in the other and asked a super complicated question. "Does this do the same thing as this?" Sorry to confuse you with such technical jargon. The Best Buy employee assured me that the hub would be fine and I headed home. Well guess fucking what? They're not the same and I had to make another frustrating trip to Best Buy. I should have learned my lesson the first time when I took my computer in to the Geek Squad for reformatting and it took them a month and a half...and they never actually reformatted the computer. Fuck Best Buy.
See ya tomorrow guys.
Most useless category: (tie) Local Pro Sports Team and Cable/Internet/Satellite Provider
There are only 4 fucking local teams and the options are even more limited when it comes to Cable/Internet/Satellite Providers. You want cable? Congradufuckinglations you're getting Comcast. Want satellite? DirectTV or Dish Network? That's fucking it. They have these painfully limited categories but no "Best Local Website"? (An award we most assuredly would walk away with, if not for that whole criticizing everything they do like we're their Bubbe thing. And the fact that they'd probably choose Google because
Most Random category: Fuel-Efficient Car
We were unaware hybrids were made in SJ County. What kind of random fucking category is this? They don't make Toyotas or Hondas in Stockton, it only seems like it because every other person here is driving one (coincidently they're also some of the more frequently stolen cars, gotta keep those title hopes alive). Which still shouldn't be enough to warrant this category. If a Prius can win a category for being a car people use in SJ County then the Kings should have won best local sports team. Hey, they came through Stockton once. Which apparently is enough to be eligible for a category.
Section that made our heads explode with confusion: Spirits
If our Bars We're Down With series (returning tomorrow, honest injun) wasn't enough to clue you in, we know a thing or two about area drinking establishments. Which is why this entire section is so mind boggling. And by "mind boggling" we mean "so skewed towards the Lincoln Village area that it makes us want to puke." 856 has the best cocktails? Are you fucking kidding me? Chili's getting the third place nod for best margaritas!? BJ's(!?) gets 2nd best happy hour? My left nut has a better happy hour than BJ's. (We fully admit El Torito has a kick ass happy hour though) Fuck, this is getting too frustrating, let's move on to the last one for today. I'll let El Duke take this one.
Least deserving of their award: (tie) Mike Torres Band (2nd place Best Local Band), Best Buy (1st place Best Computer Store), Ehler's Health Supply (Only place Home Healthcare Supplies)
I used to work in medical supplies (like I said, I've worked everywhere in Stockton) and not a single day went by where some septuagenarian didn't walk in all flustered. Being the good salesman that I was I would ask how their day was and at least once a day the response would be "Mark Ehler is a money grubbing asshole". When I say every day, I'm not exaggerating. At least once a day I would either hear about how he didn't bill Medicare correctly, or how he bought the wrong part, or how our Rascals were hundreds of dollars less than his, or how he promised to hold something for a customer over the phone only to sell it to someone else 15 mins later. Ehler's Health Supply is by far not the best Healthcare Supply store. For fuck's sake it's not even an actual store anymore, it's a section off to the side in Arthur's Party World. Long story shot, Apria Healthcare is way better.
I also used to work next to a venue the Mike Torres Band played on what seemed to be an hourly basis. For about a year I would be "treated" to the entirety of the Mike Torres Band experience, from sounds check to accidently hitting the cymbal while dismantling the drum set. The Mike Torres Band isn't really bad, they're just not the second best band in the area. Not in any way, shape, or form. They are, at best, a generic bar band. Second String Quintet are fucking tits though.
And Best Buy, oh how I loathe Best Buy. I don't mind seeing them ranked so high in other categories, although being the third best music store on a list that doesn't even include Replay Records is a traveshamockery, but it's placement among best computer stores is the worst fucking decision possible. As with most chain stores their employees know jack shit (outside of the music and dvd section, but everybody knows about music and movies). While trying to set up a hardline network with my roommate I went to Best Buy to buy a router. I saw an actual router for about $50 and something that looked suspiciously like a router called a "hub switch" that was about $20. Now, I'm no computer expert, so as far as I was concerned the only difference between the two was $30. But being the thorough shopper that I am, I decided I should probably get confirmation from someone in the computer section. 20 minutes later I was finally "helped" and I held up the router in one hand and the box in the other and asked a super complicated question. "Does this do the same thing as this?" Sorry to confuse you with such technical jargon. The Best Buy employee assured me that the hub would be fine and I headed home. Well guess fucking what? They're not the same and I had to make another frustrating trip to Best Buy. I should have learned my lesson the first time when I took my computer in to the Geek Squad for reformatting and it took them a month and a half...and they never actually reformatted the computer. Fuck Best Buy.
See ya tomorrow guys.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Top 5 Downtown events that need to happen
If there's one thing that's stalled the revitalization of downtown, it has to be the complete dogshit event booking that's gone on. In the few years that the Arena has been open, there's been exactly one event that they've had that made any of us go "Oh shit! I have to go to that!" (the EliteXC fights).
To be fair we never thought the Arena was a good idea. We're too close in proximity to not one, not two, but 4 major cities with better venues. Who in their right mind would skip over San Jose, SF, or Oakland to come to little ol' Stockton? Just Gwen Stefani apparently.
Besides the Hollaback girl, we've been treated to a cornucopia of county fair-level talent (and we're including Hannah Montana in that category). Part of the problem, as we've stated before, is the piss poor job done advertising events that come downtown. It sends the message to promoters considering Stockton that we won't help at all. And when we do help, it's to the wrong people and done the wrong way. $75,000 of taxpayer money and what did we get? A shitload of now embarassing billboards. (Please tell us that those "postponed" signs aren't going to be up until the Rodeo allegedly happens next year.)
Advertising problems aside, the main problem is fairly obvious. Events we want to see aren't coming to Stockton. IFG's job is to attract promoters to Stockton, they're not doing their job. The problem is, they're not looking in the right places. We may not be big time promoters, but even we can think up 5 events that should not only be easily bookable, but they'll actually sell tickets. That's right, Top 5 downtown events that need to happen. (Note: We did next to zero research on this list, so feel free to tell us if we're wrong or if they've already attempted these things.) Let's do the damn thing.
Play a Thunder game outdoors at Banner Island Ballpark
We'd worry a bit about ice refridgeration issues outside, but the Arena's track record with that hasn't exactly been sterling so we can look past it. The NHL's attempts at outdoor hockey were regarded as successes, so why can't we do it? We're not the biggest hockey fans, but outdoor hockey intrigues us. We can only assume other casual fans might give it a shot too. Great way to advertise the city and garner some interest in a team that, let's face it, isn't very interesting.
Bring back the HS state wrestling tournament
Alright, as former high school wrestlers we'll admit we're a little biased with this one. But Stockton clearly misses the boost the economy got when the best wrestlers from all over the state came to Stockton for a few days. The tournament left for Bakersfield when it outgrew the Spanos Center. Now we have a bigger venue and a convienently located hotel to house them, it's time to try and lure them back. IFG, we're looking at you. Speaking of tournaments...
Collaborate with UOP for a college basketball tournament at the Arena
When we had the initial idea for this list a while ago, one of the ideas tossed around was bringing the Kings back to Stockton. Since that's already happened, this seems like a great alternative. Like the state tournament, bringing in a bunch of college basketball players from all over the country would boost the economy and get people going downtown. All it takes is one decent sized team to anchor the thing as the attraction school (Gonzaga anybody?) and people should come out to see a big time program that we really never get during UOP's regular season. Depending on pricing, a few full days of college basketball at the arena would be a steal. Plus, holding it at the Arena means you can (gasp) drink at a fucking basketball game like God intended.
Book events at the Fox/Bob Hope that people under the age of 40 (but over the age of 15) want to see
The booking of the Bob Hope Theatre has always been fucking horrible. The last time we went there was for the Too Short/Chingy concert a few years back. Chingy was allegedly the headliner, but more than half the audience left after Too Short's set. It was a classic example of how little promoters "get" us. If there's one complaint we have about the booking of any event downtown, it's that there's next to nothing geared towards the college-aged resident. Which is funny since there's 2 fucking colleges in town. And if there's one thing college kids cum all over themselves for, it's indie bands that don't get much mainstream radio play. These are the bands that would actually consider playing a show in Stockon because they're in SF for another show anyways.
Plus, they're cheap. You're trying to tell us you can't afford to bring a band like Cursive or Modest Mouse to Stockton? Bullshit. The people in charge of luring acts have just never heard of them because they haven't been kids since dinosaurs were used as kitchen appliances. Try asking that Middagh guy for help. We hear he knows a few bands and how to lure them to Stockton.
Beerfest
Come on, you had to see this one coming. We're not talking about a secretive beer olympics like the movie of the same name (although that would be a great idea, and we'd win), we want a beer convention. We've stated time and time again that the only thing to do in this town is drink, so why not get together once a year and do so? If the St. Patrick's Day party that Bradley's throws is any indication, it should be fairly popular. But those guys are thinking small scale. We suggest talking with the area's various mircrobreweries (Lodi Beer Co, Valley Brew, BJs (to some extent) and put on a full scale convention.
Also, if we were in charge, we wouldn't allow any wine. All those old white fucks talking about the difference between two types of $12 supermarket wine just get in the way of our good time. If there's going to be any sort of snobbery there, it's going to be... "What's the alcohol content of your beer?" "I'm drinking a Budweiser." "You fucking pussy, try this Indian Pale Ale. It's at 15%, that'll put hair on your momma's nutsack!"
We kid of course. If history's proven anything it's that even though there would be numerous quality beers at this hypothetical event, everybody would be sipping on lukewarm Coronas like pussies. But hey, book pretty much any bar band and put up a bunch of booths and banners and you got a halfway decent event on your hands.
Of course none of these events will probably happen because they make too much sense. Dealing with Stockton promoters and businesses that know the area and don't look like dickholes in cowboy hats? Horrible idea.
To be fair we never thought the Arena was a good idea. We're too close in proximity to not one, not two, but 4 major cities with better venues. Who in their right mind would skip over San Jose, SF, or Oakland to come to little ol' Stockton? Just Gwen Stefani apparently.
Besides the Hollaback girl, we've been treated to a cornucopia of county fair-level talent (and we're including Hannah Montana in that category). Part of the problem, as we've stated before, is the piss poor job done advertising events that come downtown. It sends the message to promoters considering Stockton that we won't help at all. And when we do help, it's to the wrong people and done the wrong way. $75,000 of taxpayer money and what did we get? A shitload of now embarassing billboards. (Please tell us that those "postponed" signs aren't going to be up until the Rodeo allegedly happens next year.)
Advertising problems aside, the main problem is fairly obvious. Events we want to see aren't coming to Stockton. IFG's job is to attract promoters to Stockton, they're not doing their job. The problem is, they're not looking in the right places. We may not be big time promoters, but even we can think up 5 events that should not only be easily bookable, but they'll actually sell tickets. That's right, Top 5 downtown events that need to happen. (Note: We did next to zero research on this list, so feel free to tell us if we're wrong or if they've already attempted these things.) Let's do the damn thing.
Play a Thunder game outdoors at Banner Island Ballpark
We'd worry a bit about ice refridgeration issues outside, but the Arena's track record with that hasn't exactly been sterling so we can look past it. The NHL's attempts at outdoor hockey were regarded as successes, so why can't we do it? We're not the biggest hockey fans, but outdoor hockey intrigues us. We can only assume other casual fans might give it a shot too. Great way to advertise the city and garner some interest in a team that, let's face it, isn't very interesting.
Bring back the HS state wrestling tournament
Alright, as former high school wrestlers we'll admit we're a little biased with this one. But Stockton clearly misses the boost the economy got when the best wrestlers from all over the state came to Stockton for a few days. The tournament left for Bakersfield when it outgrew the Spanos Center. Now we have a bigger venue and a convienently located hotel to house them, it's time to try and lure them back. IFG, we're looking at you. Speaking of tournaments...
Collaborate with UOP for a college basketball tournament at the Arena
When we had the initial idea for this list a while ago, one of the ideas tossed around was bringing the Kings back to Stockton. Since that's already happened, this seems like a great alternative. Like the state tournament, bringing in a bunch of college basketball players from all over the country would boost the economy and get people going downtown. All it takes is one decent sized team to anchor the thing as the attraction school (Gonzaga anybody?) and people should come out to see a big time program that we really never get during UOP's regular season. Depending on pricing, a few full days of college basketball at the arena would be a steal. Plus, holding it at the Arena means you can (gasp) drink at a fucking basketball game like God intended.
Book events at the Fox/Bob Hope that people under the age of 40 (but over the age of 15) want to see
The booking of the Bob Hope Theatre has always been fucking horrible. The last time we went there was for the Too Short/Chingy concert a few years back. Chingy was allegedly the headliner, but more than half the audience left after Too Short's set. It was a classic example of how little promoters "get" us. If there's one complaint we have about the booking of any event downtown, it's that there's next to nothing geared towards the college-aged resident. Which is funny since there's 2 fucking colleges in town. And if there's one thing college kids cum all over themselves for, it's indie bands that don't get much mainstream radio play. These are the bands that would actually consider playing a show in Stockon because they're in SF for another show anyways.
Plus, they're cheap. You're trying to tell us you can't afford to bring a band like Cursive or Modest Mouse to Stockton? Bullshit. The people in charge of luring acts have just never heard of them because they haven't been kids since dinosaurs were used as kitchen appliances. Try asking that Middagh guy for help. We hear he knows a few bands and how to lure them to Stockton.
Beerfest
Come on, you had to see this one coming. We're not talking about a secretive beer olympics like the movie of the same name (although that would be a great idea, and we'd win), we want a beer convention. We've stated time and time again that the only thing to do in this town is drink, so why not get together once a year and do so? If the St. Patrick's Day party that Bradley's throws is any indication, it should be fairly popular. But those guys are thinking small scale. We suggest talking with the area's various mircrobreweries (Lodi Beer Co, Valley Brew, BJs (to some extent) and put on a full scale convention.
Also, if we were in charge, we wouldn't allow any wine. All those old white fucks talking about the difference between two types of $12 supermarket wine just get in the way of our good time. If there's going to be any sort of snobbery there, it's going to be... "What's the alcohol content of your beer?" "I'm drinking a Budweiser." "You fucking pussy, try this Indian Pale Ale. It's at 15%, that'll put hair on your momma's nutsack!"
We kid of course. If history's proven anything it's that even though there would be numerous quality beers at this hypothetical event, everybody would be sipping on lukewarm Coronas like pussies. But hey, book pretty much any bar band and put up a bunch of booths and banners and you got a halfway decent event on your hands.
Of course none of these events will probably happen because they make too much sense. Dealing with Stockton promoters and businesses that know the area and don't look like dickholes in cowboy hats? Horrible idea.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Top 5 things recordnet.com needs to do to actually be eligible for an award
First of all, please join in in welcoming Bris Isaak into the fold finally. We're expecting his second post in approximately 4 months.
When Duké told me Recordnet.com had won an award I thought he misspoke and was actually talking about 209Vibe.com, which is an outstanding site. Then he showed my the half page ad they took out to blow themselves over it and I still can't believe it. Something's fishy. Why? Because as we've stated time and time again, Recordnet.com sucks a bag of dicks. But instead of focusing on the negative like we tend to do, we got the brain trust together and came up with 5 basic things Recordnet needs to do to actually be mentioned anywhere near the word "award". Unless it's an award for frustrating unnavigability. (Yes, this list is still painfully negative, but at least it's constructive criticism this time)
1. Linkback to relevant stories
This has to be one of the most frustrating things they do that's easily fixable. Let's use the recent Stockton Rodeo debacle as an example. Here's the Record's story about the Rodeo being called off/postponed/whatever the fuck they're doing. Now, if you happened to miss the Record's story about the Rodeo coming to Stockton (like Duké did) or perhaps saw the word "Rodeo" and skipped the story completly (like I did), then when you saw the story about it's cancellation your reaction was probably similar to ours. "What fucking rodeo?" The story on the Record's website doesn't linkback to the original story about the Rodeo so you have no idea how some hick duped the city council into giving him $75,000. (Hint: Bring a cowboy hat)
2. Have the search engine organize results in a way that makes sense
So since Recordnet doesn't post a link to the story a followup story is actually following up, your next option is using their search feature. For a story about the Stockton Rodeo it would make sense to just type in the words "Stockton" and "Rodeo". Here's what you get when you do. The first page is all links to the rodeo being called off. Three of those stories have nothing to do about the rodeo. They just happened to contain the link to the story about it's cancellation, so putting quotations around the words "Stockton Rodeo" to narrow the search down to just stories that contain the phrase Stockton Rodeo together won't work.
3. Quit telling us to read about a breaking story in the paper tomorrow
When the rodeo cancellation broke, I found out about it through 209Vibe's Twitter. Ian Hill had an entire story up on the 209Vibe.com. What did the Record have? They told us to come back tomorrow. What's the point of even having a website if you're not going to break already broken news? The reason print journalism is going the way of the dinosaur is for reasons like this. People want their news and they want it fucking now. Telling someone to read about it in the paper on your website is a dickish move to begin with, but at least we understand the reason is that The Record is clearly still dedicated to the pulpy version of news than the current generation of journalism. But if you're going to then post David Siders' story on the website when Ian Hill had already written it a day earlier, that's just spitting in the face of a guy who alrady broke a semi-important story. (We're still debating whether or not anybody should be crestfallen that we'll be denied a rodeo in 08.) And putting that Hill contributed to the story at the end doesn't make up for the fact that Recordnet.com refused to give him his daps.
4. Put your news stories in some discernible order
Let's get away from the rodeo now and focus on something Duké mentioned earlier. (See, a linkback, html isn't that hard. Promise.) He wrote about the story that was on the front page of the Record about the prison guard union trying to recall Gov. Schwarzenegger. Considering our proximity to the state capitol and the amount of time the average Stocktonian spends around prison guards, you'd think this would be a fairly important story. Too bad you'd only read about it if you got the print version of the Record. The story was nowhere in the Recordnet news section. You will however see the stories about the 1-5 crash and Stockton PD blowing up a dufflebag full of clothes (way to earn that raise guys) listed twice! I assumed it was because they only listed stories they wrote and left the AP stuff to the AP. But then I saw not one, not two, but eight AP stories in that same list. The most locally relevant of which was about the morgatge crisis. Go figure. Alright, let's round out this list.
5. User driven content!
This is the most frustrating out of any of the things on this list, it's just not as easily fixable as the first item on the list. It's also one of the simplest ideas of all time. People want to give their opinion on shit to other people. (Hey, I wonder if that'd make for a good website...) The reader feedback used to be a decent feature because it appeared on the same page as the story, made it kind of easy if you needed to reference something in the story. They moved them to the forums probably because most of the time the reader reaction at the bottom of the story was negative towards the Record (Which is actually how I got the idea for this place). Past the forums though, there's no real reader driven content. You can submit photos for them to put up, but you'll only see them if they fit into one of the categories. Look at the rest of the Reader Interaction Homepage. You don't interact worth a shit, it's just their fancy word for "internety" stuff. You can read a bunch of blogs that are updated once every equinox. You can suggest a poll? Buy a photo? Is that really interacting? Buying a photo from the record is interacting like buying a cheeseburger from McDonald's is "interacting" with Ronald McDonald. And it's not like Stocktonians don't want to contribute. 209Vibe thrives off of user contributions and they're run by the Record! (Note: We don't include 209Vibe.com as part of the recordnet.com site's user driven content because for all intents and purposes, it's about as separate from the Record as we are. The only difference is Ian Hill also works for the Record from time to time) In non-San Joaquin Media Group sites, Stockton's creative side still comes bursting out. You ever type Stockton into YouTube? Here, we did it for you. You're saying that can't easily be put into a YouTube channel and put on the Recordnet's website? Hell, I think we might have just done that here with that fucking link.
Now, that isn't all that's wrong with recordnet.com. (#6 would have been "Fire Lori Gilbert", but that's not really the website's domain.) I'm sure if we tried we could find a lot more, but we're starting to feel like we're picking on their webmaster. We don't want to, but we're the audience you're trying to reach, information junkies who get their news mainly on the internet. When print finally dies, all you're going to have is that website. And when it comes to that we want it to be good. Same reason we criticize the paper version of the Record, we just want it to be good.
When Duké told me Recordnet.com had won an award I thought he misspoke and was actually talking about 209Vibe.com, which is an outstanding site. Then he showed my the half page ad they took out to blow themselves over it and I still can't believe it. Something's fishy. Why? Because as we've stated time and time again, Recordnet.com sucks a bag of dicks. But instead of focusing on the negative like we tend to do, we got the brain trust together and came up with 5 basic things Recordnet needs to do to actually be mentioned anywhere near the word "award". Unless it's an award for frustrating unnavigability. (Yes, this list is still painfully negative, but at least it's constructive criticism this time)
1. Linkback to relevant stories
This has to be one of the most frustrating things they do that's easily fixable. Let's use the recent Stockton Rodeo debacle as an example. Here's the Record's story about the Rodeo being called off/postponed/whatever the fuck they're doing. Now, if you happened to miss the Record's story about the Rodeo coming to Stockton (like Duké did) or perhaps saw the word "Rodeo" and skipped the story completly (like I did), then when you saw the story about it's cancellation your reaction was probably similar to ours. "What fucking rodeo?" The story on the Record's website doesn't linkback to the original story about the Rodeo so you have no idea how some hick duped the city council into giving him $75,000. (Hint: Bring a cowboy hat)
2. Have the search engine organize results in a way that makes sense
So since Recordnet doesn't post a link to the story a followup story is actually following up, your next option is using their search feature. For a story about the Stockton Rodeo it would make sense to just type in the words "Stockton" and "Rodeo". Here's what you get when you do. The first page is all links to the rodeo being called off. Three of those stories have nothing to do about the rodeo. They just happened to contain the link to the story about it's cancellation, so putting quotations around the words "Stockton Rodeo" to narrow the search down to just stories that contain the phrase Stockton Rodeo together won't work.
3. Quit telling us to read about a breaking story in the paper tomorrow
When the rodeo cancellation broke, I found out about it through 209Vibe's Twitter. Ian Hill had an entire story up on the 209Vibe.com. What did the Record have? They told us to come back tomorrow. What's the point of even having a website if you're not going to break already broken news? The reason print journalism is going the way of the dinosaur is for reasons like this. People want their news and they want it fucking now. Telling someone to read about it in the paper on your website is a dickish move to begin with, but at least we understand the reason is that The Record is clearly still dedicated to the pulpy version of news than the current generation of journalism. But if you're going to then post David Siders' story on the website when Ian Hill had already written it a day earlier, that's just spitting in the face of a guy who alrady broke a semi-important story. (We're still debating whether or not anybody should be crestfallen that we'll be denied a rodeo in 08.) And putting that Hill contributed to the story at the end doesn't make up for the fact that Recordnet.com refused to give him his daps.
4. Put your news stories in some discernible order
Let's get away from the rodeo now and focus on something Duké mentioned earlier. (See, a linkback, html isn't that hard. Promise.) He wrote about the story that was on the front page of the Record about the prison guard union trying to recall Gov. Schwarzenegger. Considering our proximity to the state capitol and the amount of time the average Stocktonian spends around prison guards, you'd think this would be a fairly important story. Too bad you'd only read about it if you got the print version of the Record. The story was nowhere in the Recordnet news section. You will however see the stories about the 1-5 crash and Stockton PD blowing up a dufflebag full of clothes (way to earn that raise guys) listed twice! I assumed it was because they only listed stories they wrote and left the AP stuff to the AP. But then I saw not one, not two, but eight AP stories in that same list. The most locally relevant of which was about the morgatge crisis. Go figure. Alright, let's round out this list.
5. User driven content!
This is the most frustrating out of any of the things on this list, it's just not as easily fixable as the first item on the list. It's also one of the simplest ideas of all time. People want to give their opinion on shit to other people. (Hey, I wonder if that'd make for a good website...) The reader feedback used to be a decent feature because it appeared on the same page as the story, made it kind of easy if you needed to reference something in the story. They moved them to the forums probably because most of the time the reader reaction at the bottom of the story was negative towards the Record (Which is actually how I got the idea for this place). Past the forums though, there's no real reader driven content. You can submit photos for them to put up, but you'll only see them if they fit into one of the categories. Look at the rest of the Reader Interaction Homepage. You don't interact worth a shit, it's just their fancy word for "internety" stuff. You can read a bunch of blogs that are updated once every equinox. You can suggest a poll? Buy a photo? Is that really interacting? Buying a photo from the record is interacting like buying a cheeseburger from McDonald's is "interacting" with Ronald McDonald. And it's not like Stocktonians don't want to contribute. 209Vibe thrives off of user contributions and they're run by the Record! (Note: We don't include 209Vibe.com as part of the recordnet.com site's user driven content because for all intents and purposes, it's about as separate from the Record as we are. The only difference is Ian Hill also works for the Record from time to time) In non-San Joaquin Media Group sites, Stockton's creative side still comes bursting out. You ever type Stockton into YouTube? Here, we did it for you. You're saying that can't easily be put into a YouTube channel and put on the Recordnet's website? Hell, I think we might have just done that here with that fucking link.
Now, that isn't all that's wrong with recordnet.com. (#6 would have been "Fire Lori Gilbert", but that's not really the website's domain.) I'm sure if we tried we could find a lot more, but we're starting to feel like we're picking on their webmaster. We don't want to, but we're the audience you're trying to reach, information junkies who get their news mainly on the internet. When print finally dies, all you're going to have is that website. And when it comes to that we want it to be good. Same reason we criticize the paper version of the Record, we just want it to be good.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Shit to do for the Labor Day weekend
We're throwing out an early shit to do this weekend because I'm actually doing shit this weekend so I won't be here to do it. El Duke should be here to take care of you Friday and if anything of note happens during the 3-day weekend. That is, if he's sober enough to operate a keyboard.
Thursday 8/28
Novacain will be at the Blackwater at 7 with Yellow Dot Project. If you haven't seen Novacain we highly suggest them. The listing on the 209Vibe website called this "Noise Pop", I'd say that's accurate. Plus Middagh rocks. $5
If you'd rather go the hardcore drinking route, today is sadly the last Thirsty Thursday of the year. Dollar beers and Ports v. Jethawks. Gates open at 6:05. Tickets start at $5.
Friday 8/29
Ocean Evaporate, Solidify, Quick 50, and In The Abscence are playing at BWDW Fats Grill and Bar starting at 9. Fats is always a fun place for shows when the Latin Magic Band isn't there. (Sorry, we're not fans of that band, and they seem to play there every other fucking day.) $5
Saturday 8/30
The Pubcrawl returns this night and is another great route to go for the drinker in all of us. It starts at 5pm and is all over downtown, including a Ports game and probably the event listed below. $35
Minor Dischord is playing at Bradley's at 9pm if you don't feel like paying $35 for Crawler status. Free.
Sunday 8/31
Carcrashlander, French Cassetes, and Alexis Gideon play the Blackwater at 7. This is pretty much the only thing going on Sunday. Unless of course you plan on getting shitfaced on Sunday night because you don't have to work Monday.
Monday 9/1
Go outside, it's Labor Day. Nothing of note is listed on the 209Vibe website. If Duke finds anything he'll update this over the weekend.
Thursday 8/28
Novacain will be at the Blackwater at 7 with Yellow Dot Project. If you haven't seen Novacain we highly suggest them. The listing on the 209Vibe website called this "Noise Pop", I'd say that's accurate. Plus Middagh rocks. $5
If you'd rather go the hardcore drinking route, today is sadly the last Thirsty Thursday of the year. Dollar beers and Ports v. Jethawks. Gates open at 6:05. Tickets start at $5.
Friday 8/29
Ocean Evaporate, Solidify, Quick 50, and In The Abscence are playing at BWDW Fats Grill and Bar starting at 9. Fats is always a fun place for shows when the Latin Magic Band isn't there. (Sorry, we're not fans of that band, and they seem to play there every other fucking day.) $5
Saturday 8/30
The Pubcrawl returns this night and is another great route to go for the drinker in all of us. It starts at 5pm and is all over downtown, including a Ports game and probably the event listed below. $35
Minor Dischord is playing at Bradley's at 9pm if you don't feel like paying $35 for Crawler status. Free.
Sunday 8/31
Carcrashlander, French Cassetes, and Alexis Gideon play the Blackwater at 7. This is pretty much the only thing going on Sunday. Unless of course you plan on getting shitfaced on Sunday night because you don't have to work Monday.
Monday 9/1
Go outside, it's Labor Day. Nothing of note is listed on the 209Vibe website. If Duke finds anything he'll update this over the weekend.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The first ever Bar We're Down With
Not to brag or anything, but we like to consider ourselves an accomplished group of drinkers. Mostly because there's absolutely nothing else to do in this town but get shitty drunk (and watch movies...while shitty drunk). So it seemed only natural that when Duke came aboard we would put our expertise together to give you a list of the best bars in the area.
There are some that are decent, but only these select few will be considered the cream of the crop, a full head, shoulders, and set of huge chesticles above the rest.
Two Fridays ago we posted the criteria, this week we bring you the first inductee in the inaugrual 2008 class of Bars We're Down With (name subject to change). It was a painstaking process to decide which bars to induct. Drinks were drank, girls were unsuccessfully hit on, fights happened, friendships forever altered.
In the end, we came up with a list that will probably change before the year is over. But for now we have an inductee. (Note: Inductees are inducted in no particular order) Following the meticulously laid out judging criteria, we give you...
Fat's has always been a place near and dear to our hearts. Duke spent at least a little bit of pretty much every day of 2007 there. They're always the first place we consider for Mardi Gras. And they have a fantastic crab feed every year. Not to mention that their yearly party bus to and A's game (pictured above) is an awesome excuse to start drinking at 8am on a Sunday.
When we were pretty much extensions of the bar stools the place was owned by Mike. Who's pretty much one of the awesomest dudes around. This year he sold the place to Fat's employees Ben (again, pictured above) and Teresa who have kept the torch of awesomeness alive and well. And of course before we go to the scorecards we would get our asses kicked if we didn't mention that Jenae is 35 different types of awesome. Of course, we've always had a soft spot in our hearts for former female high school wrestlers. Alright, to the judges...
Drink Prices: 7
Maybe as semi-regulars we're probably a bit biased in this (and probably all) categories. That being said I've never felt the prices at Fat's were unfair. They claim to be a restaurant first and a bar second but they still have prices on par with most bars. Going by memory I believe it's $3 for a domestic draft and $4 for an import. I could be off by a dollar or two, looks like I'll have to go back and do more research.
Variety and Quality of Alcohol: 9
Fats boasts an impressive collection of draft beers. Last I checked it was around 30 or so beers ranging from Budweiser to Fat Tire. And don't think we're just beer snobs here, they're collection of hard liquor is also quite a sight to behold. Including those fancy Jagermeister on tap machines (they have Patron ones too) and a Slushie machine that chugs out margaritas.
Proximity to Other Bars: 6
Fats is kind of on an island in it's shopping center. Tora Sushi and John's Incredible Pizza are the nearest establishments that serve alcohol, but those are primarily restaurants, and John's doesn't even have hard liquor. The Graduate is a short jaunt away as is BJ's and Chili's. If you're feeling frisky you can try going to Valley Brew. But if you do, please take a cab. Those UOP cops are always itching for someone to pull over.
Munchies: 10
This, above all else, is Fats' shining star. Their menu is downright impressive. If you're eating on the cheap you can get so Sopapillas. If you have a little bit of scratch to throw around I suggest getting a pizza. It is the unrivaled best pizza in Stockton. BJ's can suck a dick if they think they even belong in the same sentence as Fats'. If you feel like eating until you explode and throw up and eat some more, you can try the Fat's feast. It involves steak, ribs, and I think shrimp. But that's only if you feel like spending a month on the shitter.
Swimsuit Competition: 7
Last I checked, Fats had predominantly male bartenders. So we extended it to their waitresses too. Which is really where they shine in this category. Unfortunately, I think we've sat at a table at Fats all of twice. So we haven't exactly spent the optimal amount of time judging in this category. Luckily their score was also boosted by the women on the aforementioned party bus. Oh hey, more pictures...
Wow, maybe 7 was a bit conservative. Especially for that hottie in the back.
There are some that are decent, but only these select few will be considered the cream of the crop, a full head, shoulders, and set of huge chesticles above the rest.
Two Fridays ago we posted the criteria, this week we bring you the first inductee in the inaugrual 2008 class of Bars We're Down With (name subject to change). It was a painstaking process to decide which bars to induct. Drinks were drank, girls were unsuccessfully hit on, fights happened, friendships forever altered.
In the end, we came up with a list that will probably change before the year is over. But for now we have an inductee. (Note: Inductees are inducted in no particular order) Following the meticulously laid out judging criteria, we give you...
Fats Bar and Grill Grill and Bar
Fats owner Ben on the left. The man, the myth, the legend, Muff on the right. Party bus in background.
Fats owner Ben on the left. The man, the myth, the legend, Muff on the right. Party bus in background.
Fat's has always been a place near and dear to our hearts. Duke spent at least a little bit of pretty much every day of 2007 there. They're always the first place we consider for Mardi Gras. And they have a fantastic crab feed every year. Not to mention that their yearly party bus to and A's game (pictured above) is an awesome excuse to start drinking at 8am on a Sunday.
When we were pretty much extensions of the bar stools the place was owned by Mike. Who's pretty much one of the awesomest dudes around. This year he sold the place to Fat's employees Ben (again, pictured above) and Teresa who have kept the torch of awesomeness alive and well. And of course before we go to the scorecards we would get our asses kicked if we didn't mention that Jenae is 35 different types of awesome. Of course, we've always had a soft spot in our hearts for former female high school wrestlers. Alright, to the judges...
Drink Prices: 7
Maybe as semi-regulars we're probably a bit biased in this (and probably all) categories. That being said I've never felt the prices at Fat's were unfair. They claim to be a restaurant first and a bar second but they still have prices on par with most bars. Going by memory I believe it's $3 for a domestic draft and $4 for an import. I could be off by a dollar or two, looks like I'll have to go back and do more research.
Variety and Quality of Alcohol: 9
Fats boasts an impressive collection of draft beers. Last I checked it was around 30 or so beers ranging from Budweiser to Fat Tire. And don't think we're just beer snobs here, they're collection of hard liquor is also quite a sight to behold. Including those fancy Jagermeister on tap machines (they have Patron ones too) and a Slushie machine that chugs out margaritas.
Proximity to Other Bars: 6
Fats is kind of on an island in it's shopping center. Tora Sushi and John's Incredible Pizza are the nearest establishments that serve alcohol, but those are primarily restaurants, and John's doesn't even have hard liquor. The Graduate is a short jaunt away as is BJ's and Chili's. If you're feeling frisky you can try going to Valley Brew. But if you do, please take a cab. Those UOP cops are always itching for someone to pull over.
Munchies: 10
This, above all else, is Fats' shining star. Their menu is downright impressive. If you're eating on the cheap you can get so Sopapillas. If you have a little bit of scratch to throw around I suggest getting a pizza. It is the unrivaled best pizza in Stockton. BJ's can suck a dick if they think they even belong in the same sentence as Fats'. If you feel like eating until you explode and throw up and eat some more, you can try the Fat's feast. It involves steak, ribs, and I think shrimp. But that's only if you feel like spending a month on the shitter.
Swimsuit Competition: 7
Last I checked, Fats had predominantly male bartenders. So we extended it to their waitresses too. Which is really where they shine in this category. Unfortunately, I think we've sat at a table at Fats all of twice. So we haven't exactly spent the optimal amount of time judging in this category. Luckily their score was also boosted by the women on the aforementioned party bus. Oh hey, more pictures...
Wow, maybe 7 was a bit conservative. Especially for that hottie in the back.
Now that we've gotten that pesky scorecard out of the way, we'll each give you our parting words. More than likely these will be super inside stories that only 4 people will get. But hey, that's how a lot of hall of fame-esque inductions go. We tried to track down Briss Issak, that's what delayed the post. If he sends me his piece before this gets posted Monday, it'll be here. If not, we've found someone even less dedicated than Duke is to Vegas Kings.
Since this is my site, I get to go first. And in honor of our missing friend, it'll only be one sentence. "I've never seen her be affectionate towards men before." Take it away Duke.
Doesn't that just mean...oh wait, we've been over this already. Like Slick stated earlier, I spent pretty much every day of 2007 in Fats. And as I've said before, I'm only half as much of an alcoholic as that statement makes me sound like. I used to work next door and am pretty much the reason for getting those two over to Fats. There's too many stories to tell, Slick touched on one. One of my favorites it when I soloed it to the Kings Viewing Party they held there last season. It resulted in one of my favorite articles/columns/posts I've ever written. So if we leave with anything it has to be the mental image of a man dressed like a lion signing autographs in a bar, then serving me a beer.
Since this is my site, I get to go first. And in honor of our missing friend, it'll only be one sentence. "I've never seen her be affectionate towards men before." Take it away Duke.
Doesn't that just mean...oh wait, we've been over this already. Like Slick stated earlier, I spent pretty much every day of 2007 in Fats. And as I've said before, I'm only half as much of an alcoholic as that statement makes me sound like. I used to work next door and am pretty much the reason for getting those two over to Fats. There's too many stories to tell, Slick touched on one. One of my favorites it when I soloed it to the Kings Viewing Party they held there last season. It resulted in one of my favorite articles/columns/posts I've ever written. So if we leave with anything it has to be the mental image of a man dressed like a lion signing autographs in a bar, then serving me a beer.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Weekend Shit To Do for 8/22-8/24
Hey look, another new feature. Here's the shit happened in Stockton this weekend that caught our eyes.
Tonight on the WPC Lawn at UOP at 8pm they're showing Animal House and Old School for move-in weekend if that's your sort of thing. The Lair should be open by then, somebody let us know if the rumored 3-drink maximum is true. If so, they get the scarlett letter of shitty bars. I'm guessing it's free.
Flava Flav's Block Party is coming to Modesto on Saturday. I said "caught our eyes", not "will be good" $20
I haven't heard of any of the bands playing The Matinee Saturday at 9, but El Duke tells me it's an awesome venue. The bands allegedly play in front of one of the old Stockton Royal movie screens. So, you know, be high. $10
Boomsnake will be at the Blackwater on Sunday at 7pm. If you're into ex-members of Say Anything. El Duke made me put this one because he knows somebody named Jan Fisco and there's a Jan Fisco listed as a supporting act. Plus Boomsnake is a kinda cool name. $8
By the way, kudos to 209Vibe for a quality website. I've never been much for supporting music just because it's local, that's more El Duke's thing. So good job Ian Hill, welcome ot the short list of Record writers I respect.
Tonight on the WPC Lawn at UOP at 8pm they're showing Animal House and Old School for move-in weekend if that's your sort of thing. The Lair should be open by then, somebody let us know if the rumored 3-drink maximum is true. If so, they get the scarlett letter of shitty bars. I'm guessing it's free.
Flava Flav's Block Party is coming to Modesto on Saturday. I said "caught our eyes", not "will be good" $20
I haven't heard of any of the bands playing The Matinee Saturday at 9, but El Duke tells me it's an awesome venue. The bands allegedly play in front of one of the old Stockton Royal movie screens. So, you know, be high. $10
Boomsnake will be at the Blackwater on Sunday at 7pm. If you're into ex-members of Say Anything. El Duke made me put this one because he knows somebody named Jan Fisco and there's a Jan Fisco listed as a supporting act. Plus Boomsnake is a kinda cool name. $8
By the way, kudos to 209Vibe for a quality website. I've never been much for supporting music just because it's local, that's more El Duke's thing. So good job Ian Hill, welcome ot the short list of Record writers I respect.
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