Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Top 5 pieces of advice for a drunken Thanksgiving Eve

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving we kicked around some ideas to help local residents out with the holiday season. Considering we're a collection of guys in their mid-twenties, cooking tips are pretty much out of the question. As are decorating tips, although I hear Bris Isaak has some interesting ideas for centerpieces. But there is one thing we can dole out advice on. You guessed it, drinking.

Thanksgiving eve is one of the most underrated drinking holidays there is. All your friends who actually had ambition and moved away for college/actual careers come back for a couple of days. And if you're like us and didn't stray too far from home, it's your job to lie and tell them you're "considering your options" when you really just got laid off. It's also your job to help catch them up as to the local goings on. Feel free to just give them our URL to save time.

Since those visiting for a few days will probably spend the next couple of days catching up with family, tonight's usually the night dedicated to catching up with people you weren't really friends with in high school but now that you've made eye contact you have to at least acknowledge them and make awkward small talk Don't worry, they'll probably be shitfaced shortly anyway, so that'll help with the awkwardness. Being the seasoned drinkers that we are, the brain trust got together to offer up some tips for tonight's impromptu high school reunion.

Tip #1 Arrive early

Tonight, the bar's going to be packed. Noone has to work tomorrow and some people might have just finished a long drive or possibly even flight over here. If you can come up with a better excuse to drink in the middle of the week I'd like to hear it. Most bars will fill to capacity quickly so if you don't get to the ol' watering hole early you're going to be stuck in a line outside in the rain waiting for someone to come out to smoke. Then you'll have to wait as the bouncer explains to the smoker that there's no insies/outsies, even for smokers, and that no, this isn't Soviet Russia/Communist China/Nazi Germany/whatever else hipsters say to voice their displeasure with rule enforcement. It's just Thanksgiving, the bar's at capacity, and there's a cop standing right there to bust their ass the second someone sneaks behind the bouncer putting them 1 person over capacity. Which brings us to our next piece of advice.

Tip #2 Don't drive

While tonight might be an underrated drinking holiday in the eyes of the general public, most police departments tend to go in the other direction and vastly overrate it We usually choose downtown Lodi for our Thanksgiving eve festivities, Lodi is notorious for going into DEFCON 27 the night before Thanksgiving.

There will be more DUI checkpoints tonight than on Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, and Mardi Gras combined. Tonight's double shift night coupled with approved overtime across the board, regardless of whatever budgetary problems the city's been having.

There are roughly 7 bars in downtown Lodi. There will be 2 cops posted up in front of each one of them, sometimes 3. Not cop cars waiting to catch drunk drivers (although, again, they're all over the place too), actual cops standing in front of every bar keeping a mental head count and making sure the bouncer examines your ID as if it contained a mini-YouPorn clip of Natalie Portman eating out Scarlett Johannsen.

And if the cops don't think they vetted your age enough or if their mental head count is off by one, they won't hesitate to stop everything going on in the bar and pull everyone out to be recarded and recounted. We've seen it happen firsthand at Gary's Lounge. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lodi cops are complete pricks.

Tip #3 Call a cab at least 60 mins before you intend to be picked up

Now that we've successfully scared you off even buzzed driving (although if you do choose to drink and drive, the checkpoint locations should be fairly obvious), we'd be giving incomplete advice if we didn't advise you on taxis. We don't have very many. So you should probably call a cab as soon as you realize you need one.

We suggest at least an hour in advance, possibly 2 hours. Everyone will want a cab tonight because they're too drunk/tired from driving all day to get here. Hell, call a cab even if you don't plan on leaving yet, just on the off chance you look at some skinhead's girlfriend wrong and he tries to fight you. The cops posted at the door will shut down the bar for the night immediately, even if it's only 8:30, and everyone will be calling City Cab at the same time trying to get the fuck out of there. Best be ahead of the curve.

Tip #4 Don't sleep with your ex

While this is good advice to adhere too regardless of the time of year, Thanksgiving eve is a particularly tricky beast. Mostly because your cock (or vag if you're ladyfolk) is screaming at you to try and bed that prudish Christian girl you dated sophomore year who was "saving herself" only to give it up to the first drunken frat boy she saw in college all in the name of "experminetation". That cunt didn't even give you pity head when you dropped $300 on prom night but she gladly fucked that stoner fuck in Pike house for an eighth of the Devil's lawn clippings. And while there's nothing more dementedly satisfying than a vengeance fuck, you don't want to have to do the post-hookup legwork.

Sure, you said "no strings attached", and she may have even agreed that it was "just for old time's sake" but you're forgetting the fact that women usually tune out anything a guy says after the word "no". So even thought you made her repeat the phrase "no strings attached" before each time you tax that old school poontang, you're still going to get a "nice 2cu again, I enjoyed 'catching up' :-)" text message the next day. Why did you trade numbers? You dumbass, you knew you weren't planning on keeping in touch. She was planning it the whole fucking time. Sure enough she'll start calling you out of the blue "just to talk" on a random workday. Doesn't that bitch live in New York? Shouldn't she be working or something? Why the fuck is she bothering with an old flame like you?

Because my friend, you rekindled that flame on Thanksgiving eve. That flame may have died out for you the second you dumped her celibate ass for that slutty cheerleader in the summer of '01, but she kept that flame alive for years. Women are fucking crazy like that. That night that fire was down to an ember and your cock was shooting out pure gasoline. It's probably time to change your number and pray she doesn't get fired from her city job (presumably for spending all her time calling guys she fucked) and have to move back home. That would suck. So yeah, just don't fuck your ex.

Tip #5 Don't do the hotel room thing

Some people who plan on engaging in a rather debaucherous night of drinking think it's a good idea to get a hotel room for "the after party or whatever". Those people are wrong. First, you're at least 21 now, if you don't have a place to bring back chicks to fuck by now (again, not your ex) then you're a fucking loser. Second, anytime you make grandiose plans to "keep the party going" those plans will fall through 200% of the time.

Then you'll all be sitting around a hotel room with 3 handles of Jager and 2 girls, one of which who brought her boyfriend. And because you spent money on a hotel room like a fucking rube, you don't want to call it a night because then you'll have wasted $50 on a shitty motel room with stained sheets. So you start pounding Jager shots to make up for the fact that you regret not inviting your ex back to the hotel room because some jackass' blog told you not to. Next thing you know you're waking up at 4 am and your friend visiting from Long Beach is fucking the only available chick in the bed next to you and you're still too drunk to drive home so you're stuck waiting outside in the cold rain for 45 mins smoking a cigarette wondering what they put in the water down in SoCal while kid staminizer finishes up his marathon love making session. But hey, at least there's not a dick cop there making you wait in line to get back in.

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