Quick Links for Jan. 15th

Oh hey look! Shit to write about! Let's dive right the fuck in.

NAME! THAT! DOLPHIN!

The Record's been somewhat contest-happy lately. There was that Halloween story contest back in October, the cookie contest in December, the photo contest for that Kings preseason game, Fitzy's yearly 55-word contest, and of course; Fitzy's "Name the already named roof of the Hotel Stockton" contest. And those are just the ones I could remember off the top of my head. But this latest contest, via Recordnet's newish Online blog, might just be the best one.

That's right, a dolphin somehow made it 90 miles inland and is currently swimming around like a dumbass in the deep water channel.

The last time a wayward sea mammal made it's way through the Delta we were "blessed" with the ridiculous overcoverage of whales Delta and Dawn as they made their way up the Sacramento River. It was funny for maybe a day. Those whales would have had more staying power if they had better names then Delta and Dawn. Oh, and if they did more than just fucking swim.

Regardless, this thing needs to be named. And if there's one thing we can do it's give hilarious names to things. I mean come on, somebody had to think up "Bris Isaak". So we got the brain trust together and came up with a few suggestions. Considering the most imaginative name the Record's thought up has been Alex Breitler the Dolphin (which is a fine name, it just doesn't roll of the tongue too well), they could probably use the help. The potential names we came up with range from random Latin names, to the obligatory Flipper jokes, and local references. We'll try and link to the more obscure references.

Rampage
Flipzy (A combo of Flipper and Fitzy)
Slicker (combo of Slick Diaz and Flipper)
Lemmiwinks
Esteban
Alex Spanos' Sanity
Dropout the Dolphin (SUSD will love this one)
Kyle
Boom-Neezy (for BottleNose. We'd also accept Boom-Nizzle)
Scooter
Perseverance (the insult comic dolphin)
Juan
and of course... Delicious

Ok, that's it for now. We'll post more as we think of them.

Ladies and Gentlemen Lodi, CA!

I actually don't have much to add to this one except that this would have been somehow even funnier if the guy had come down from the attic with an actual rope ladder as opposed to a rope and a step ladder. Rope ladders are just more comedic. Also, how do you react in that situation if you're the caught robber. You just got caught breaking in red handed by your mom's shrieking neighbor. Personally, I would have tried to seduce her. Of course, that's my solution for everything.

He was sick?

Controversial former Franklin football Head Coach John Verner (his extended name) died yesterday of a brain tumor. We'll try and keep the jokes tasteful, promise. But first, a quote from former city councilman and local philanthropist (you know, for that "great deal" he gave the city on his property) Ralph Lee White:

"He's the only coach that I know that would take kids back and forth to practice and go pick them up after school, after the buses would stop running at night," said former Councilman Ralph Lee White, a friend. "Coach Verner would always make two or three trips, eight or nine kids piled up in the back of that Cadillac of his."

All together now...
Wow, I didn't know you could drive a Cadillac to American Samoa.

Stephen Malkmus loves his Tuff Juice

Local product (and in our opinion, the most famous/talented local product) Stephen Malkmus took time out of his busy schedule to talk fantasy basketball with RotoWorld.com the other day. As usual with his interviews it's an interesting read. In it he reveals his list of players he tries to avoid when playing fantasy basketball (Brad Miller makes the list!) and laments drafting recent local punching bag Beno Udrih as his point guard. He also lists some words he tries to avoid, my favorite being "cuddle" for some reason. If you can't tell, yes it's a random news day.

Finally a definitive guide to baby-punching

This has absolutely no local angle, it's just fucking hilarious.

Tomorrow we'll be bringing you our full thoughts on the Record's redesign (you're glued to your seats in anticipation, I know.) and who knows what else. Planning is a big part of our lives as you can tell.