It being Halloween and all, I figured it might be a good idea to throw a Halloween post up here. Plus if I've found I do anything good it's conveying my complete and utter contempt for something. Which reminds me, I fucking hate Halloween.
Halloween didn't do anything to me personally, it's just a matter of circumstance. Over the years the bane of my existance, Christmas season, seems to arrive earlier and earlier each year. It used to start the day after Thanksgiving, and I had grown to accept that. Within the past couple years though, stores seem to have decided to say "fuck it" and skip Thanksgiving all together and extend the Christmas season to begin on November 1st.
You may write me off as some sort of Scrooge, and you'd probably be correct, but please hear me out. I've worked various retail jobs and if there's anything that makes a guy want to set their eardrums on fire it's 2 straight months of Christmas music. Do you have any idea how many different versions of "Jingle Bell Rock" their are? I'm almost positive it's in the thousands. And stores are determined to play every last God damn one. Oh hey, listen! It's a lounge singer version of "White Christmas"! It hasn't snowed in Stockton in almost 20 fucking years, and even that only barely counted. Plus the only funny lounge covers are of rap songs.
But don't think that my hatred for Halloween is exclusive to the fact that I wish I could just hibernate from Nov. 1st until December 31st. It's also because I've only had a few opportunities to properly celebrate it. When most people get too old to trick or treat, they start the drinking portion of Halloween celebrating. Not me. I had to grow up in a Mormon household. You ever been to a Mormon Halloween? You can't even watch the good fucking horror movies because R rated movies are off limits. Ever spent a Halloween watching Domestic Disturbance? Talk about fucking scary. I still haven't forgiven them for what they tried to do to Vince Vaughn.
Perhaps most egregious of all is the fact that if you go to a Mormon Halloween party, none of the girls let their inner slut out. (And trust me, it's in there) They keep those hushpuppies locked up tight. Halloween was made for women to parade their cans around like the whole world's a fucking renaissance fair. One of my friends posted pictures from a Halloween party she went to on her MySpace, and as far as I could tell she went as a walking tittyfuck waiting to happen. I'm sure there was an actual costume concept in their somewhere but I couldn't take my eyes off of her motorboat bait to be able to discern what it was.
That's what Halloween is all about. I'm not saying I'm going to hate Halloween forever. I'm just saying I have to make up for lost time. So ladies, if you see me and my halfro at the various parties I'll be hitting up tonight, feel free to offer up those mammaries and let a brother play catch up.