So who's ready for rain? It got kind of gnarly there for a second didn't it? Ok, gnarly for Central California. Can't wait until tomorrow so it can rain all over those candy begging brats while we're all out getting shitfaced. I understand that sounds callous, but those little fuckers at my apartment complex always use my front door as home base while playing a 3-year long game of tag for some God forsaken reason. You know how annoying it is to have 80 pounds of giggling humanity slamming into your door every 10 minutes? The lesson I've learned? Never have kids, like ever. On with the Quick Links.
When the Delta gets so polluted that it's killing off fish, the best solution would probably be to clean up the Delta. Or create a race of genetically altered super smelt. We're really going to need Robocop if these suckers make it into the wild. Although it's somewhat puzzling that this smelt thing is ok but we're still denied the legal ability to own glo-fish.
We'd link to the 3MR but we can't, so we'll just use this space to voice our displeasure with them giving John Daly the blue arrow of shame for getting falling down drunk at a North Carolina Hooters. If J.D. deserved the loser arrow for anything, it's for only passing out at Hooters. When we saw the news that he had been arrested we thought it could be for anything from getting in a fight with a lacrosse team to trying to squeeze into a pair of those trademark orange daisy dukes (Hellllo nightmare fuel). That's the kind of leeway he gets. Obviously the 3MR doesn't know J.D. like we know J.D.
White Nelly finally has an alleged name. Police are looking for a guy named Andrew Gonzalez. They of course thought it'd be as easy as just knocking on his door. You don't get a fancy name like the Band-Aid Bandit (it says band twice!) by passing out on the couch playing Madden after taking a monster bong rip. You presumably get that name by robbing places while sporting the latest Spongebob band-aid ("See! This one is special. It's Spongebob, Patrick, and Gary!") So shouldn't they be staking out the adhesive bandage aisle at local pharmacies?
Uh oh, our bias senses are tingling! Apparently this guy went to the Larry Craig school of pleading out. If it was truly self defense, then you probably should have gone with that in the actual trial that you passed up. But hey, playing the race card works too. Although we've always been partial to the Chewbacca defense.
Next time we see an Exxon (what is this, the 80s?) we're totally giving them the vaunted triple moon, while egging them. It takes practice. We also might try and stick theit bosses dick in a pussyclamp (we've already given you the nightmare fuel that is John Daly in hot pants, you don't want to know what a pussyclamp is).
And finally, Ian Hill and Aaron Davis kind of took some of the steam out of tomorrow's Shit to do post with their complete list of quality Halloween parties. Somehow our's will be completer and qualityer. Swear. Or we'll just put up a pic of a sexy lady. Same difference.